So can we label ourselves??
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:39 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
What are you doing up so early?It's 9.30 pm here so I guess about 5.30 am there.
I'm not used to being able to chat live with my yankee friends
I still commit to cherishing the one I choose to love. A risk taker and doing it with courage
What all the BWs on here wish they had
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:43 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:58 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
I'm really tired - have had a busy week at school. FWH is working a double shift which has unsettled me a little (he used to lie about doing this to be with OWs) and I have had far too many Merlots.
So I am going to bed.
I will think of you as I go to sleep. Hoping your FWW realises how lucky she is.
Have a great day my friend. Nice chatting to you in real time.
Okey dokey - so put me in the S/D column.
And, I liked this thought:
He needs to be the man that he appears to be to everyone else.
Got into a huge fight with H last night & told him I don't want to wait til school ends for him to move out. The fight itself was primarily about how I do 95% of what needs to be done around here & then I work outside the home too. And none of it is appreciated. This all came to a head last night because I had a million things to do and asked him to make sure my one son had done something. Of course, it wasn't done when I got home, nor was his homework, all of this I find out when I finally get the chance to check everything at 9:30pm, so I have to p ull this kid out of bed to do this work. And, my H then starts on my son, yet doesn't acknowledge that he did anything wrong by not checking on anything. Guess it's pretty hard to check homework while you're sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just a fight, but still, I'm just growing more & more impatient with him & every day it's something else - me running around like a lunatic while he's relaxing. But, he'll never admit that's the case.
I really do think that it would be best not to distress the kids with this news during the school year, but I don't know if I can keep up the happy face in front of them that long. Last night's incident reminded me that if we start to argue about the kids now, they will start to think it's their fault.
Alright. Time for a refill.
Peace to all today.
The plan - commence full financial separation - he's screwing her he can pay for her!
MIL - Mother / daughter talk
Hopefully by end may affair is exposed to POSOM's BW.
Then the shit begins - BRING IT ON - she is either in or out the door - bye bye WW
Okay, must get ready for work. That peaceful feeling I had when I was away sure wore off quickly!
However, I don't know how long that will last. I think I have some 2 x 4's coming. But, I'm not brave or strong, yet. *sigh*
Scared - I forgot to mention that if/when you inform OW BH do not let your WH know you are doing that. Keep it to yourself. If your WH and OW have a warning that you are going to tell they will/could make BH think that some bat shit crazy lady is going to contact him and tell him some crazy story. They will make him think you are a psycho.
ATS - I think you are such a special man. It takes a very special man to put up with and deal with all your W's deep emotional issues. She is so lucky to have you. On the other hand, if you feel that you can not do it anymore, no one could hold it against you. You tried your best, and you shouldn't have to drown while trying to help rescue your wife.
Allgood - Did your WH come up with some lame excuse for the allnighter, or did you not even go there?
Honest - just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I always think of that when I think of you. It is someone else's tag line, but I think it is apropos for your sitch.
Have a great day, Tribe.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Our issues now are her issues. Her not knowing who "she" is, wanting to be the person everyone else wants. Her lack of interest and desire for sex. Her unwillingness to be vulnerable, and to form an intimate attachment. Her shame, codependency, and black or white thinking. Still putting desires of her family (sister, DD) over OUR family, us. These are not really A issues, but are at the core as to how and why she had her LTA's. She can identify many of the times she has faulty thinking, and knows it is wrong. What she does not yet know, is how to replace the faulty with healthy. How to be herself, she claims she does not know who she is or what she wants. To feel free to express her honest feeling, even when she knows it will upset me, or not be what I want to hear.
I realize that FWW's whole way of life was her A's. This is how she sought and received affirmation. This is how she exerted control on her life. When there was a crisis there was an OM to soothe her and tell her how wonderful she was. She has lost that support. I can see that she is struggling to evolve into the person she wants to be. She went through most of thei emotional unpacking and working on life issues at the end of her first M. The problem is, she was having an A with a boss at that time too, and his influence prevented much of the true work and growth she needed to go through to address her issues with sex, intimacy, and vulnerablility. She says that she wants to get it right this time.
I really do think that it would be best not to distress the kids with this news during the school year, but I don't know if I can keep up the happy face in front of them that long.
Here is another perspective. School provides a rich resource of peers to process information with, and a very structured "normalcy" that may not be as available in the summer. During times of stress in the home, children enjoy the predictable routines and structure of school. Just a thought.
It takes a very special man to put up with and deal with all your W's deep emotional issues.
Thank you SisterMilkshake. I truly hope that what is special for me is not that I am a co-dependent “nice guy” who is unwilling to put himself and his own needs first. I do not think this is the case anymore, but I do worry about it.
So if he wants to be by my side....he needs to step up.
In my opinion, a big part of this stepping up is doing the introspective work, likely with an IC, to determine what needs within him he was trying to meet with the A’s, and what new and appropriate methods he can learn to meet these needs himself. I do not believe that a BS can make an informed decision to try and R or not until they know what the underlying issues were/are, and the course from emotionally dysfunctional to functional for the WS.
As you try to figure this all out, many people will recommend the book Not Just Friends by Glass. I would also add to that the book Sexual Detours by Heins. This book really did a lot for me in helping me to understand the dynamics of the A, what needs it was meeting, and was the first step in my being able to extricate myself from the feelings of cause or fault for her A.
When you told the OP BS...did you do it in person, phone or letter?
I think if you post this question in the General Forum you will get alot of reponses on how to inform the BS. Make the topic something like "HELP, how do I tell OW's BS of Affair" you will get many good ideas.
Someone here in LTA maybe able to help you, also.
Good luck, keep us posted.
You all are amazingly strong people ...
Others here are, in my case it just looks that way in retrospect. You do not see all of the bottles and pill containers littering the path, the loss of emotional control from rage to sobbing, the 1+ year of MC and IC.
Just as Honest is doing now, and Allgood, DP, and others, you do what you have to do and put one foot in front of the other. The 180 is a REALLY good skill to develop for when you need a break.
Participants in M where LTA's have occurred have long-term problems that need to be identified and resolved. Not just the WS, but I believe the BS should work to identify why he or she was willing to accept the condition of the M prior to and during the A. Maybe it was great, but for most of us, I believe there was an element of settling and avoiding conflict.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:45 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
but for most of us, I believe there was an element of settling and avoiding conflict.