Why was I willing to accept the state of the M before Dday? If I had to boil it down to one thing, because I did not want to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. My M consisted of sex, fishing, actually our $ was separate for the first 6 or 7 years, talking about the kids or common topics of interest. I really didn't care if he did much of anything around here -- I was in therapy trying to get better from my bipolar for at least two years before I wanted more. Frankly, I really hate to admit it, but I'm not even sure the "old me" would have been bothered by an A. I even thought of having one myself at one point, but opted out for reasons having nothing to do with my H or morals even. So, I changed and when I started to become a more whole person I wanted more from WH and just didn't seem to be able to get it. It took me almost 3 more years to figure out the A. But now, the healthier me looks back and is completely traumatized by the whole thing.
The problem: trust. not feeling connected to WH. Not wanting to feel connected to WH due to lack of trust. Wanting to be in a relationship that is connected.
My first M was deeply emotionally intimate. I was still grieving that intensely when I got M to WH. I didn't offer that because I couldn't bear to be hurt like that again if I lost the M.
Anyway, a lot of hurt, mental illness, immaturity, etc. and that's just me.
Did your WH come up with some lame excuse for the allnighter, or did you not even go there?
Just so that you know, he feels no need to give a reason. He went out at 12, what time did I think he would come back was more or less his response as if it's the most normal thing in the world to come home when your daughter and wife are just waking up. I actually called him at 6am and I could overhear that he was still in the car talking with his friend (a male).
I'm actually fuming mad right now and wish he could just get out already. Im bringing the agreement home to be signed today. Maybe that will set my mind at ease. I am taking your comment into account Ats as far as the support that the school setting could offer. I just really don't know what to do.
ok laura its a roll call of sorts....here goes
i am not in reconcilliation, i am in an in house separation, my kids do not know, they are all teens and believe we are working on our marriage....i have chosen to stay or rather allow him to stay until at the very least the last one is out of high school...he is in 10th grade now....
no matter what happens we will always be family but no more then that....it could have been different, but he didn't do all the work and didn't commit himself to honoring my new boundaries which were dealbreakers, including being open, honest, transparent and coming completely clean within the time frame i provided, which was 6 months....
my ws is also here on si, his name is prayformiracle (pfm), he reads i believe all my posts as well as most posts here on the lta, he still wants reconcilliation but is still a liar, is still not coming completely clean and fustrates me regularly with his insistance that he has told all there is when i know otherwise and worse cannot even own what he has acknoweldged, this is where i need to detach detach detach......
i can say for anyone comtemplating it, in house separation is rough, fustrating and really really hard to do.....your emotions are everywhere...you go from intense anger to intense sadness at times....and it makes it all so surreal...and this everyone i am sure can relate to...here is this person, he looks the same, talks the same, walks the same, has the same jokes but he is not the same person....almost like when someone dies and you watch a video of them, it makes it seem not real, like it can't be....how can this person be dead...when for us its how can this person be the same person who did all of this...
m334455....remember 50% of the marriage...0% of the affair
very well said still...i believe you have more strength then you yourself realize you possess....
allgood: you have only 2 more months to go...you can do this and i think you are right about arguing in front of the kids especially about stuff for or about the kids...they will think its their fault...kids do that all the time....and they have long elephant memories too....by the time this is over i think we will hold our own version of the oscars for best acting....
keep remembering its for them, roll your eyes and let it go....in the future head it off at the pass, assume at all times that he will not do what he is supposed to do, kind of like the teenage babysitter....so use him as such....there is the one plus is that your teenage babysitter is a live in making it that much easier.....and harder....
honest: when does he leave?
and keep the faith, we are here for ya, i don't think you are venting enough, but i like that you are getting mad more frequently...
gots to go, that is all i have time for.....
The question I was answering was the question about why I tolerated the pre-A M situation.
Also, I'd like to add in my situation that I'm unconvinced that the A is even over. I have no reason to think it's ongoing, but then again I had no reason to think it existed at all. And you can't prove a negative.
I also put up with bullshit while the A was going on (12 years). I put up with it because I was hoping it was something H was going through and would get over. I was going to IC at the time thinking it was me. Couldn't get H to go. I'm a conflict avoider also.
I only have a few minutes but wanted to check in.
in house separation is rough, fustrating and really really hard to do.....your emotions are everywhere...you go from intense anger to intense sadness at times....and it makes it all so surreal...and this everyone i am sure can relate to...here is this person, he looks the same, talks the same, walks the same, has the same jokes but he is not the same person....almost like when someone dies and you watch a video of them, it makes it seem not real, like it can't be....how can this person be dead...when for us its how can this person be the same person who did all of this...
I'd like to say that I'm 100% in either the R or S/D camp but that's just not the case. This was the topic of conversation at IC this morning and I still don't have the answer. I only know that I'm sick and tired of being in a crappy mood. And I blame FWH!
Gotta go...I'll check in later!
Status: I am in limbo - finances and family issues would make an S/D very difficult right now. WS would love nothing better than for me to "forgive and move forward". He is showing remorse, regret, and is making real efforts to change but I feel it is only to please me and make life easier for him. While he answers questions, he will give me only the info he thinks will be enough to shut me up - never volunteers any more than he has too. The old "ask for an orange" routine. (I sure loved that thread - anyone save it?) Plus - I am a great "Mommy". I fold his laundry just right and know how he likes his eggs. Like Strongish, I am in a crappy mood a good part of the time.
Allgood: passive/agressive I'll show you behavior?? You could almost laugh if it weren't so in your face...
Honest: Thinking of you...
In fact, thinking of all of you ((Tribe))
My husband was extremely remorseful immediately after d-day. He started begging and pleading for me to forgive him and to take him back.
I told everyone about the affair-our friends, family, our 2 young adult children (they were in their early 20's at the time).
My husband got sober right after d-day and started attending AA (90 meetings in 90 days to start-he still attends AA now). He also went to IC -for over 1 and 1/2 yrs. The first 6 months he went to IC 2x per week then 1x per week. The psych thought he was suicidal.
After two months of separation I agreed to withdraw the divorce complaint.
Oh, yeah..I forgot that detail. I did go to an attorney and filed for divorce about 1 month post d-day.
so 2 months post d-day we were still living apart but I agreed to go to MC.
Slowly, we began to 'date' as well.
After 6 months he moved back home.
It was our 30th wedding anniversary-so we had a recomittment ceremony in a minister's office before he moved back. We also went away for the weekend to a romantic B&B.
I felt that I needed to do something to take back that anniversary date-and having that recomittment ceremony did help me. Now, when I think of our wedding anniversary I don't look at it with regret for broken dreams etc.
Instead I look at it as the date of a new beginning for our marriage.
now, I don't want any of the newbies to think that this was an easy journey for me... it has not been easy. In fact, it is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I have been seeing an IC for 4 yrs. and had to go on ADs for over 2 yrs. I still take Xanax at times for anxiety.
so...you get the idea...not an instantaneous happy ending...but I'm getting there.
What I believe...
It's never too late to live happily ever after.
so, that's my story (sorry it was long winded)
[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:16 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
Reconciled: NJGal, Tryn, Sister Milkshake, Ats.
S/D: Miracle, Allgood, Deep Purple
Limboland: M3, Fun, Strongish, Broken Promise, Nell
ETA: Forgot to add you Laura and Dip to reconciled and Honest to S/D.
Haven't heard from UKGirl in a while -
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:35 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
P.S. ats, don't think I didn't notice your reference to that the other day. I hope things are going better for you today.
How you doin'? Are you not bothered by Nogood's latest or are you putting a big face on for us?
Methinks you need to start kickboxing or maybe even regular boxing.
I have no reason to think it's ongoing, but then again I had no reason to think it existed at all.
I love your "I told the world" story. I told a few important people but everyone WH worked with knew and either averted their eyes or didn't much care. WH already told his only friend and his twin, who both thought he should stop but didn't think strongly enough to do anything about it (other than avoid me). I told my parents, a few good friends and encouraged him to tell his parents. His dad can't keep a secret so I assume the rest of his family knows or will sooner rather than later. Definitely if we S or D, it will be known. WH just lies and takes things underground. He's sneaky like that. Lots of good training in FOO.
I loved that thread, too. I wonder if you could google "survivinginfidelity" and "orange" and find it?
Anxiety under control today? Thinking about you.
Thinking about all y'all. strongish, tryn, dip, UKgirl, Laura, deep, etc... hugs all around. I'm out for the night.
On 12/28 1995 I was 1 week overdue with my first son....went for a stress test and there was no heart beat. My baby had died inside of me....they started inducing me right away.....after hours of labor it was time to push. I pushed for over 2 hours. It was me my H, the doctor and the nurse...I was tired and devasted...tired of pushing....didn't really want to deliver b/c I knew my son would be gone from me forever....in a way i just wanted to lay on that table and die with my baby....The doctor told me I really needed to start pushing again....I looked at my H and then I thought of my parents outside and knew as much as I wanted to stay on that table and die with my baby I couldn;t do that to them. So I started pushing again and delivered my first son....14 years later on that very day I found out that the same H was having an affair. What a horrible day.Immediately my H said that he had decided months ago that he chose me (ugh) and that he had been trying to get out of the A and work on our marriage. He says he was praying he could get out of it without me knowing (why the heck didn't he then). this is the same man that before I knew about the A but would question it would say things like "you are the only woman for me", "my only mistress is alcohol", and when watching the Tiger Woods story said "why did he even bother getting married" and my favorite "you're stuck with me". Since the initial DDay I discovered that he lied about OW identity, length of the A, and that she had quit work. He had promised me NC...I discovered after DDay 1 week later contact...then again in Feb, then again in April...he moved out at my request....by this time he had lied to 2 MC...he worked hard to move back in and bought me a new wedding ring for our 20th anniversary. I am not convinced that there is NC...they work in the same place and a very large place...and my WH is a very good liar. He is very attentive and has been very accountable about his time....I can always reach him (during the A I would call his cell and often would go to VM), the discovery of the Cialis is very disturbing....but at the same time I canlt figure out when they would have time....he really has been accountable with his time. I ramble...sorry...my whole point is I am not in Limboland....I am on the table again and I know if I stay here it will kill me....however I can't end my marriage unless I know without a doubt that he is still being unfaithful....and I cannot really move forward unless I know he is being faithful...but I can't stay on this table....
My son who is now 26, and a good kid BTW, told a contractor that works for me that his father is "not right." He told him that when he was a little boy, his father would go into a store and put things in my son's pocket so he wouldn't have to pay for them! Small items..but still, stealing is stealing. What a horrible example to set.
Do you know how hard that was for me to even write that? What did I marry?
I don't know what to do? Do I let this go? Talk to my son? Slit my husband's throat?
OMG!! I'm married to not only a liar and a cheater but a thief!
It just seems like there is more and more things I am learning. Where have I been all these years? I'm so angry right now.
We find all sorts of things once the scales fall from our eyes. That is just sad.
Nell: As to the allnighter. THis is the way it is when he goes out with certain people. As soon as he said he was going with this guy, I knew the end result. That I actually heard the guy when I called him at 6am did reassure me that he wasnt with OW. If I didn't have that, maybe I would be upset.
Actually, I am upset. This living together while waiting for the ax to drop sux. Over the past 24 hours I probably told him to make arrangements to find a new place asap a dozen times, waffled back & forth as to whether we should tell the kids this week or not a dozen times. And, the reality that there will come a time, whether it be this week or in a few months, that I will have to look at my little boys and tell them this. Well, I'm all twisted up about it. And, thankfully my daughter is just too young - she probably will have no recollection of Mommy & Daddy ever being together - and that's sad too.
I've been very angry with my H. I blame him for a lot of things. That I will have to take part in doing this to my kids because of him - well, I hate him for it.
I also hate that he can't find any semblance of respect or affection to give a shit when I'm this upset.
In good news, however, he made sure the kids' homeworks was done and he's probably done about 5 loads of laundry tonight.
now don't go gettin all excited for me just yet....anyways i brought the book home because i wanted to try out the practice exams and see how poorly i will do....its been ions and ions since i have used any math skills that are more difficult then balancing a checkbook....
so pfm sees the book and asks...so i tell him, that i was thinking about going back to school because i need to start thinkin about my future because i don't think he will do right by me....he smiled, a little smile, but he smiled....so i guess that confirms what i know in my heart...the man will screw me over once again.... ...in ic tonite my counseler asked why did i tell him about going back to school...my reply.."because i really wanted him to tell me, no iwam i will take care of you, i will do right by you".... ...all i got was a smile...
took the first practice exam...well i did really well in spelling and vocab...and totally bombed the rest, including reading comprehension....that last one surprised me...tomorrow i will look further into the comparisons, i did not have time today for that...was a busy day...
pfm is little by little turing back into the man he was prior to d-day, not the monstrous man, but the man who has been doing so much little shit for me is disappearing....he is detaching....i knew it would come, i knew he would get tired of trying....and i am torn between being relieved because it makes my detachment that much easier and man because he lied when he said he would be doing all these things he was doing for as long as it took....
allgood: for your kids, remember that path kkkk.....2 more months....it will go faster then you can believe now that the weather is getting warmer, or at least it is supposed to get warmer....and keep busy busy busy.....
and yay, he did hw and laundry....see that is even better then the teenage babysitter...
What did I marry?
you married a man who has some serious issues...and you gotta wonder where he even learned to do that in the first place...
I don't know what to do? Do I let this go? Talk to my son? Slit my husband's throat?
talk to both of them, separately of course....
when you speak with your son keep your cool...and just listen and validate his feelings on the matter...that would be really good for him for his future....we all take shit from our parents and it becomes issues within our future relationships...so give your son the outlet he needs so that later on it does not come back in some other form...
and then speak with your ws, calmly....and see what he has to say and at the end of it, cuggest that he go to your son and rectify what he's done by telling his son that he was wrong in doing that to him, that he obviously has some issues and IS dealing with them...your son deserves the apology...
its mind boggling when you learn just who you are married to, or at least another facet of who they are or were....
laura: everytime i log in and go through page 1 i love love love seeing the tribes picture....so thank you again....
eta: and i would love the link to the big picture...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:54 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)]