Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still- My heart goes out to you on the loss of the baby. I cannot imagine how painful that must have been.

Miracle- Don't give up on your goal. We are all rusty and I don't know about you but ever since d-day my memory has not been what it used to be! The trauma and PTSD does cause memory lapses.Do you have to take the test to get into nursing school? or is this a sample test for your license? Maybe if you start out slowly and take one class at night at a community college....slowly..it will all begin to come back to- the rhythm of listening to lectures, reading, writing papers, taking tests etc.
Why not go to see an admissions person at the school and talk about it? They are usually very happy to have 'older' returning students because they bring so much life experience to the class discussions etc.

Strongish-
I told my daughter right after d-day. I was a mess. She was very sympathetic and told me that I would be OK and that I would meet someone new!
She was very supportive- a kind of role reversal-where for the first time she was taking care of her mom.
My son lived out of state at this point and she called him and told him the story.
They were both very concerned and worried about me (they had never seen me like this) and they were very angry with their father.

My husband did call both of the kids and apologized to them etc. To this day I do not know the details of what he said. I didn't ask the kids. He did also call my sister and apologized to her for hurting me and for disapppointing everyone in the family.

My kids were wary about the reconciliation.

On the day that my husband was moving back home (our 30th wedding anniversary) I decided to have the recomittment ceremony in the hopes that I could reclaim that date! I decided at the last minute to ask my kids if they wanted to come with us (both happened to be home that weekend).
Well...
my kids looked at me like I was crazy...and they both said that they would prefer not to go.

Looking back I realize that was a good thing because of the way the actual ceremony went. We exchanged new rings, my husband read a lovely letter to me and I cried and sobbed...

what I agreed to was to commit to 'try' to work on saving our marriage.
I was not recomitting to the marriage at that point-instead it was a commitment to try to reconcile.
I also said stuff like "no one had ever hurt me like this" etc. etc.
So, it was definitely better that my kids were not present.
It wasn't all warm and fuzzy.
The minister did know our whole story (he had counseled both of us ) and he was great in terms of his prayers and advice for the future.
So ..back to your question...
my kids were very supportive of me... angry with my H at first, wary and suspicious of the R, but with time...they warmed up to him as they saw how committed he was to reconciliation and to making things up to me.

They are now very supportive of my husband and our reconciliation.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks njgal. It helps to see that they were able to process the information without going off the deep end. Hopefully, I'll be the only one to do that!

Tribe - I would like to ask a favor of you. No matter your politics or religion, I would ask that you keep our service men and women, and their families, in your thoughts and prayers tonight. I cannot give any details but tragedy has struck very close to home today. I hope I haven't broken any rules by asking this. If so, my apologies.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will keep the servicemen and women in my prayers.
My heart breaks whenever I see the names, faces, and often such young ages of the soldiers that have given their lives in service to their country.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always. Always in my thoughts. Hugs, strongish, for whomever is going through loss.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: I'll keep you and the those who give service to our country in my prayers.

Still: I am so very sorry about the death of your child. I know how extremely difficult it is to go through that horrible experience. My daughter was 4 months old when she died. WH named his first OC with the OW the same name as our daughter.
For the thoughtlessness of these WS's is unfathomable.

Dip, oldest DS came with me to the lawyer, I was an emotional wreck. I've been shaking and my teeth have been chattering on and off.

I did not get very good news, and am more or less financially screwed just as I thought. My gut was right about me placating WH all along. Now, I have to try to listen to it again if I can hear it above all the other emotional chatter in my brain and my heart.

Miracle, with practice you will start to remember some of those things that you think you have forgotten. I know you will be able to pass that admissions test!! I would love to help you in any way I can, even just sitting with you while you take the practice tests or study.

Miracle, it is soooo hard to detach and not get angry. It's old habits too. (x)WH, DS16 and I went out to get some things, and stopped to get something to eat. As usual, WH forgets that the woman should follow the hostess first to the table (ladies first, old fashioned, but still) and just goes ahead regardless of me. It has nothing to do with the D, it's him. My first reaction was to get angry, but I took a deep breath and let it go. I put it on a mental list I've started of the things that WH does or have done that show that he has no regard for anyone else.

At dinner, WH got quiet, and my first reaction was to say or do something to "fix" it, but again, I took a deep breath, and took my focus off him and said to myself, whatever is bothering him or he is thinking about is his problem, not mine, and just continued listening to my DS16 telling some story about school.

It is not easy changing actions and reactions I have been doing for over 23 years. I have to stop worrying about what WH thinks and does.

I'm starting to feel free and then get an anxiety attack. Hopefully, the free feeling will come more often.

Love and prayers to each and every one of you.

Nofun, give us an update.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I'm sorry that the news at the lawyer's office was not good but.... I am glad to hear that you are moving forward to reclaim your life.
How wonderful that you have such a close relationship with your DS. It's great that he was able to go with you for support.
Now...about the placating of your STBXH.
Do you really think that there is anything that you could do to make him develop a conscience and do right by you and the boys?
My guess would be that his initial reaction to the divorce will be anger and he may use it as an excuse to with hold money....but, don't you think that eventually he would realize that his relationship with his son's will be forever tainted if he does not support them financially?
Do you think he would abandon the boys?
And..what would placating him involve?
can you handle more months, years of pain?

You have been through so much already. The loss of your little girl-so tragic.
You deserve to have some peace and happiness.
When you write about the 'fix everything' personality....well, I think that comes from growing up with a BPD mother. Someone you could never please. So, you spend your life trying to please everyone else.
Been there...done that.
I am working hard on changing that behavior too.

I hope that you will have more happy and free moments and less anxiety about the D etc.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip
Thanks for the picture. That was really good. Is the guy grilling ats or Deep. It can't be me. My butt is not that big. Or does that outfit make my butt look big?

Sorry its not my butt - I can barely file a pair of jeans.

Strong - thoughts are with you & those close to you at this time.

There is a lot of pain within the tribe right now - take care of yourselves - you are all very special people.

Allgood - in house separation - as you know I live it everyday & have done so for sometine now. Ive found with time it gets easier & that you slip into apattern or groove so to speak. Its a little harder at the moment as I'm home more while I look for a new job - its tense but we tolerate each other & try not to get into each others space to often.I wish it wasnt this way but my kids are so young - as we both grew up in single parent households i guess we both want our kids to have both parents around - core belief value.I'm resigned to the fact that eventually we will go our separate ways & the dynamic of the family will change forever. For what - some selfish need which neither of us understand.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun:

Two of my kids expressed maybe needing to speak to a counselor. So it does still bother them and it's been almost 2 years. It is what it is

this is a really good thing you know...because all kids, no matter how much they may say so, need some kind of help or guidance when having to deal with parent crap...not that they can't deal with it on their own in time, but the time it would take them on their own is substantially longer...and even then there will sometimes be residual hurts that stay and linger, buried, but still there...


so find them reputable counselers....and i say if they do not have ins to cover it your ws needs to step up and do so for them...

strong: sending prayers for our service men and women, i actually try to remember to do just that on a regular basis....every friday where i power walk its service men and women day, and many of the walkers wear red in support of our troops....and every friday i wear red....


honest: ok, i am glad you went to the lawyer, and even though the news was not good, thats ok, because its not like you didn't already expect it and more so because its the next step you need to move on with your life....and i am glad your son went with you for support..you did good momma honest...

have your younger sons been told?...


m3: thanks for the sentiments of wishing to see me "whole" again, or for you for the first time...tis my goal...and i am getting there.....


laura: i am sorry that i triggered you....it sucks for us, so many of us now have these triggers about shit that we shouldn't have....so many things that are seemingly harmless are no more...whether it be a place, a name, a profession even a song....it just sucks that so much of our lives are forever more tainted...well, i am going to take that back, not forever more.....just for the time being, til we get "whole" again and these things no longer "trigger" us...but merely invoke a small distant memory....although i think that we all will still have a few triggers that will forever more help us laugh....i know for one will be ducks...fucking ducks to be precise...we have all grown some new triggers to bring us smiles...and may the ones that bring us pain fade away...


milkshake...its nice that he is reading diligently...


nell: i don't know if i really want to do boxing....i might look into target practice at the range...oh, no...can't do that, guns terrify me right up there with motorcyles....although i did try a beebee gun once and i did really well....i could learn how to shoot it better....can't those things get into the eyes and make someone blind....my target can't "see" anything worth a damn anways...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle

Once again you have come to my aid.

From now on whenever I think of his nurse whores I will think FUCKING DUCKS I will see their heads on FDs

I'm sure that will help cancel out the trigger!!!

I am home from work early and FWH will be here soon so can't chat much.

Will go as long as I can.

Strong

Prayers for them all tonight.

NJgal

You are my hero

Fun

How are you honey??


DP

That could be you grilling!!

Honest

Stay strong love. As I said before get cunning - get what you can!!! Surely there must be an emergency. You have something major broken which you can get fixed for a cash payment cheaply. He could give you the cash, yes? He could put $ in a bank account for you?? Think honey. Find a problem that can get fixed for a few thousand instead of many thousand if paid in cash.

Come on tribe. Come up with some plans. We are clever people. Who has a business who can send her an invoice for some dummy work?? She can then pay and the tribesman/woman can pay her back. Together we must be able to help honest get some cash to squirrel away!!!

There must be some major repairs needed in the house. Heavens we can make up the invoices. (oops I might get in trouble for that. I better cancel that idea - I take it back. Bad idea )

Anyway - get your thinking caps on.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: Good job moving forward with seeing an attorney. I'm glad your son went with you for support, but also so that he can learn what you are up against 1st hand & maybe be a bit more supportive. (Is this the son who said he wasn't going to talk to you if you didn't end it with WH?)

Anyway, don't let the bad news stop you. You still need to make plans to move forward. And, I agree with NJGal that there's no reason to assume that he will not voluntarily support you & the kids, on some level at least. See if you can get him to fund you going back to school, this way you will be less of a "drain" on him financially & can help support the kids better. Maybe if you present it like that he will go for it?

Don't let this stop you. Keep moving forward. (ANd good job not reacting to WH's antics.)

Stongish: I will pray for the armed forces. I hope you are ok...

As for me - H has been sleeping in the basement for the past few days. I guess this is going to be the case from here on out as I told him he didn't have to sleep there (it's damn cold down there) the other day & he still goes down there. He doesn't kiss me goodbye anymore either. So, moving forward. I'm glad he's not in my bed anymore, to be honest. The kiss goodbye bothers me though. I liked the idea that maybe he couldn't let go completely. O well. I just have to remember that I will find someone else someday.
ALright. Got to go.

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Allgood))))

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep,
I am betting that when your emotions settle, you will fill out those jeans again! I weigh myself often (never did before) to see if I'm finally gaining weight. Not really happening. I need to start lifing weights and drinking protein shakes or something. (Yuck.)

honest,
How are you feeling post-lawyer visit? What did your DS have to say about the info? My FIL is a narcissist. He loans money to his kids when they are in dire straights, regardless of why they don't have money, but the kids always have to cry for it. (Histrionics and drama... WH's two favorite things. Thank you, FOO!) I think it makes him feel important and shows both his love and magnanomous nature. He then tells everyone that he lent the money, and the amount. As far as I know, he doesn't ask for receipts or invoices or whatever... it would be too much work but on the other hand he does know or has at least been told how they are using the money and what their current financial situation is. I don't know if you can use any of that. Sharing FWIW.

fun,
I would also make sure they understand that if a counselor isn't helping them after a couple of sessions, they can find someone else. (I never felt better after our first MC's sessions but thought it was because I wasn't doing something right; having never been in counseling before, I wasted far too many sessions on someone who wasn't right for me/us. Have I mentioned my sense of hyper-responsibility?)

miracle,
I have shot a rifle, shotgun and Dirty-Harry handgun. (Can't remember what caliber it is... just that it was like the one Dirty Harry used.) All just one time. I couldn't hit a damn thing, but at least the handgun didn't knock me on my ass.

Laura,
You're being very Lisbethian today!

Allgood,

I'm glad he's not in my bed anymore, to be honest.

That's how I feel much of the time right now. The sound of his breathing puts my teeth on edge. Thank goodness for my MP3 player. I set my Latin music as low as it will go and fall asleep listening to it instead of lying there, battling the urge to kick WH awake and scream at him. and a little bit of

Okay, must go order that McDonald book now. I am a little wary of doing it, though, I must admit. I fear his NOT reading it will be my personal last straw, and then I will have to alter my kids' world.

Which pisses me off.

Year Two. Anger. Super.

Hugs, tribe. Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nell

Daylight saving has finished here so some of you are on at a civilised hour for me.

I love knowing you are out there in real time.

"Lisbethian". Interesting thought. I should have put my alter ego in the pic. Might just do that.

Year Two. Anger. Super.

(((Nell)))

Can't chat more as FWH is calling me to bed

Hugs to all the tribe

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - I dont think so. I've been wearing the same 2 pairs of Levi's for the last 25 years (yes they still fit me).


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Labels
I've done a little update of the labels. Hope I have them right

Thought I'd add myself but needed to add another category. Wondering if anyone feels this way too.
If we're just talking R'd to the A, then yes, that would be where I'd put myself. But there's another dimension that I'd add.
To put it simply, I have not yet reconciled myself to the fact that my H is not the man I believed him to be - the man I fell in love with, the man I can respect, put my faith and trust into, the man I know with absolute certainty could never hurt me again.
This is what holds me back from really coming to a place of complete healing.
I believe everyone of us in this forum since d-day have asked ourselves at one time or another "Who is this person I am married to?
How could someone we loved and trusted have fooled us so completely? How could we have been so blind?"
The question about whether we have wasted our lives is asked because we now see someone so different in front of us and not the person we thought we knew and loved.
It takes time to see if the person we now see with open eyes is in fact someone we can love, respect and trust.
If we knew then what we know now, would we have ever fallen in love with this person?
I've been spending a lot of time with my grandchildren lately, singing songs and reading books and nursery rhymes. After one of their visits I turned to my H and said, I'm like Humpty Dumpty, I just haven't been put back together again. He looked so sad and just nodded and said, I know. I can't help but wonder if we are ever the same after something so devastating happens to us. Of all the things I miss, I miss most the feeling of complete love I once had for my H.

M3 - in your book about acceptance and complete forgiveness, did the author talk about restoring respect?
This is the area that I struggle with even 5 years later. I believe I have forgiven my H, I no longer have fits of anger, depression, anxiety or intense pain as a result of his A but I just can't seem to look at him without feeling utter disappointment in him as a husband, father, and man of integrity.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't leave him so that he could find someone who would love and respect him in a way that I wonder if I ever will be able to do again. But then I think, hell, this was his doing not mine.
So, I'm not exactly sure what that label would be, but thought I'd add my 2cents, FWIW.


Laura, I loved the collage. Really beautiful! Thank you for taking the time to do this for us.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:29 AM, April 7th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I am so sorry for all the suffering your H has put you through but I am relieved that he has finally "set you free." It was almost as if he read your post about the Supreme's song and realized that he owed you that. I can't imagine how scared you must be in terms of the financial implications but I do hope he is man enough to honor his financial responsibility to you and your sons. I don't understannd why the lawyers are so pesimistic but I'm guessing that since your H's assets are in another country this must be the main issue.
I think it was Nell who asked for ideas for you and my immediate thought was to take every piece of jewelry he ever gave you to a reputable jeweler and get whatever cash you can for them. A few months back I went to someone in NY and was very pleased with the amount they offered me for jewelry I no longer wore or wanted. (PM me if you want the name.)
Strongish - sending out prayers and hugs for your loss. As the daughter of a WWII POW, I can assure you that my sympathies and sentiments are always with the men and women in our country's service. (((Strongish & Family))))
Miracle - What a great idea to start looking into nursing for yourself. I can only say that you would be one of the most compassionate and caring nurses and one who if I ever became sick, I want by my side. As to going back to school, in my late 20's I decided to do just that. The school I chose had a program for returning students to ease you back in. It was wonderful. It helped ease the anxiety, brushed us up on some lost skills, and like this forum, provided us with a support group to give us the confidence and courage to make the leap. It was one of the best decisions I made for myself. GO FOR IT!!!! You will meet some wonderful people, you will feel amazingly proud of yourself with each and every credit you earn and you DESERVE to do this for yourself. Keep us posted and feel free to contact me if you have any questions about returning to school as an adult.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H has been sleeping in the basement for the past few days. I guess this is going to be the case from here on out as I told him he didn't have to sleep there (it's damn cold down there) the other day & he still goes down there. He doesn't kiss me goodbye anymore either.

Allgood - first of all huge hugs. What a jackass he is being. I did have a thought and wondered if you thought this too. Is it possible your H is doing his own version of a 180 hoping you'll break and come to him on his terms??? Just a thought that popped into my head when I read your post.
Every time you talk about him spending time with his friends at work, I can't help but wonder what their conversations sound like and what awful advice they must offer to each other. Since he recently spent a night out with one of them, his moving out of the bedroom almost immediately afterwards seems a little suspicious to me. Well, just a thought.
I hope you don't mind me asking this but I was wondering if you are planning on telling his parents why you decided to D him when that time arrives? I know you want to protect your children but I would think there would be some pressure from them to understand your decision.
(((Allgood))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,

If we're just talking R'd to the A, then yes, that would be where I'd put myself. But there's another dimension that I'd add.
To put it simply, I have yet reconciled myself to the fact that my H is not the man I believed him to be -

That is how I look at it. I am for the most part over the A stuff, and I might as well be because she has not been willing to provide any additional information for about a year now. I still struggle with the reality of who she really is. What it means to be married to a person who is not really capable of an emotionally intimate relationship, who fears me, who prefers not to tell me anything that may upset me, who does not know who she is, let alone what her needs are.

Dip and DP have both demured on the picture, so I guess that is my fat ass grilling; which begs the question, who is driving my boat??


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What it means to be married to a person who is not really capable of an emotionally intimate relationship, who fears me, who prefers not to tell me anything that may upset me, who does not know who she is, let alone what her needs are.

ATS - does it help though to see her working so damn hard to get these answers for herself. When I read your posts first, I am amazed at your devotion and patience. But I have to say, your W's willingness to open up these old wounds, to face her demons, really makes me admire her capacity to do this. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for her and I have to say that I don't believe she is doing this just for herself - I really believe she must love you to the best of her ability and wants very much to be the wife you so deserve, someone who can be emotionally available and open and love you without fear.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip and DP have both demured on the picture, so I guess that is my fat ass grilling; which begs the question, who is driving my boat??

ME! Mine are both on dry land right now. Guess I should have asked first ...

FNF --

The book does not say anything about restoring respect. That is a fine question and I'm glad you addressed it to me, because each and every problem you listed here is something I also struggle with. I feel cosmically challenged by your question.

How could someone we loved and trusted have fooled us so completely?

One thing the book discusses is self-acceptance and self-forgiveness as well. It also gives you tools to analyze a question like this.

For example, in my case, I should have picked up on the A much sooner. My radar did go off multiple times over the years, and I've learned the various ways in which I should have dealt with that much differently. In fact, I now know that the first time my radar went off was actually 3 months BEFORE my WH resumed his PA with OW (the PA was dormant through the first 3 years of my relationship with WH.)

So, the answer to this will differ for everyone, as will the reasons to forgive yourself. But the tools are there.

It takes time to see if the person we now see with open eyes is in fact someone we can love, respect and trust.

It does. But one thing I like about this book is that it hammers into you over and over that acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation are three different things. You can have only one, two or all three. You can have reconciliation without acceptance or forgiveness, though I doubt this is a happy state of affairs for at least one person...

I can't help but wonder if we are ever the same after something so devastating happens to us.

No, of course not. You will never be the same. You've been permanently altered and I think it's no coincidence that you often see that an OP was formerly a BS/BP. My WH was a BBF on at least two occasions. I think it deadens you in a way. But, at your inner core, you should still be the same person. You need to find that core and live from there now. It's a nice chance to clear out all the garbage.

Of all the things I miss, I miss most the feeling of complete love I once had for my H.

I missed that at first too. But I'm religious, and I think that the level of love I felt towards WH is best reserved for God. perhaps on one level WH was my "false god" that I held before the real one. My husband is just some dude. He'll never be more than just a man while he's in this life and it ain't right for me to make him my great white hope. Loving him that much wasn't about him anyway, it was about me and what I needed to feel safe -- only I wasn't safe at all. So, how futile was that?

M3 - in your book about acceptance and complete forgiveness, did the author talk about restoring respect?
I just can't seem to look at him without feeling utter disappointment in him as a husband, father, and man of integrity.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't leave him so that he could find someone who would love and respect him in a way that I wonder if I ever will be able to do again.

I think it's important to first consider that it might not be possible to restore respect. I think where it is possible would be either if you decide in the process of acceptance that perhaps your own culpability is greater than that of the person who has wronged you or if they go through the process of reparations that would give genuine forgiveness. In fact, for an A probably only the second -- you would have to be convinced they have worked hard to become someone very different from who they once were.

As for the guilt? (A) he chose the action, therefore he chose to accept whatever consequences the action would create. (B) gently, maybe it is better for him to live with a constant reminder of how much disappointment and hurt we can inflict on others and ourselves when we indulge the worst parts of ourselves.

But, most importantly, you must do what is best for you. Even if it's been 5 or 6 years. it's still OK to say -- nope. Not gonna work. And D. Or, to say, you know, we're R and I've learned to accept that this is reality, but I don't forgive you. I thought I had, but that was just cheap forgiveness.

You can still ask for more. OR, conversely, for less. Less contact, a D, whatever.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.