Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:25 AM, April 8th (Friday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Ive made my decision, Ive done my work - she steps up or leaves - very simple

I'm so pleased for you. The situation you are living in is cruel. I know you worry so much about your kids but for them to be happy they need a happy healthy dad.

It has taken so much for you to get to this point. You have given her every chance. You have been amazingly strong and patient.

She knows what she is doing but goes on regardless.

She has left you with no alternative.

FWH is busy peeling prawns for our dinner. In the past I would have immediately said "It's OK. I'll do that". Now I'm on the computer and just said "Thanks for doing that" when he started. This shit has changed us. In some ways for the good. I am no longer wanting to do everything to please him.

Now is my time.

Now is your time.

We need to stop always thinking of pleasing our partners and trying to make them happy. WE have been totally unselfish for a long time while they were totally selfish in their As. Now the scales need to be more balanced.

((((DP))))

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning, I mean evening Laura! (U still there?)

Maybe the karma bus would ruin the positive mojo of the collage, but I am imagining all of those women as concealing weapons anyway. Lol

Thanks to all who chimed in on the what to tell the family/kids debate. O - and telling me mother - I'd rather not. I'm not close to her at all & she almost never says the right thing. In fact, when I wound up pregnant for the 4th time, I told her via email since her reaction to me telling her I was pregnant the 3rd time was not something I was looking to repeat. Ultimately, she will be there for me if I need something, but emotional support, no, I don't think so. She's a loving person btw, but she's just very, very critical. Fun stuff.

O- I spoke with my H last night & just briefly explained that I would rather wait til the kids finish school before telling them, just that I'm having a hard time with this & sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't have to see
him so much. Told him it was really pissing me off that he seemed fine. He says he's not. I told him that I will never understand how he came to the conclusion that he's better off with us splitting up than us staying together. He says he didn't that was my choice, that I said I was unhappy. He just makes me shake my head. THat is really what he gets from all this. I reminded him that he was the one who flipped out last month, packed his crap & left me a note saying it's over, then proceeded to tell me that he would've moved out sooner if it wasn't for the kids because I never let anything go. He said he didn't think that was what he really said. I told him it's saved on my phone if he'd like to see it (it was via text). He had no comment & we resumed watching Swamp People. Lol.
Personally, I like to keep all of his little gems saved on my phone so when I feel weak, like is this s/d really the right thing to do, I can review the texts for support. Lol.

HONEST: You stopped making his tea?!? How dare you! I would divorce you too. Lol.
So, you were too needy? Well, apparently I'm cold. I guess you were needy cuz your needs weren't being met & I was cold because I stopped expecting my H to give a crap about me, so I stopped acting like I was in a relationship with him. Apparently so did he. Lol.

See, I'm smiling again Honest.

Ok, gots to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AGNG

Oh dear.. I've heard of rewriting the marriage... now he seems to be rewriting the aftermath of the affair.

Sorry honey. I don't know what to say.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
He says he didn't that was my choice, that I said I was unhappy.

I see nothing wrong with you making it your choice to D. Fact is Yes, it was you because you took the actions to draw up the documents.

Your H did not
- know how
- was unwilling
- could not change
and be the man capable of a healthy marriage. He continued to live the life of a married but single person. And still does.

Fact is, it was your H who is a chicken shit. He was the one unable to tell you he didn't want to love you any more and did not have the morality to do the right thing. The right thing being D, then find another someone to love.

It sounds like you still have some lingering regret about your decision. Please remember that you cannot control what others do. You can dream about finding a new partner in life forward that will consider your needs in a relationship.

And you know what? you may make another poor choice in a man. But this next time, I think you are wise enough to make a good selection.

Life is not always fair. Say ouch and work toward being happy again.

You are a woman of steel. A powerful person of strenght with a very soft loving soul.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:04 AM, April 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

Good morning

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still new here...can some one help me and tell me what the D in DD and DS stands for?:) I get that it is son or daughter.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear son
Dear daughter

It does take a while to learn the language.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - My boy3 has ADD and is on medication...I really resisted and struggled with the decision...tried diet, exercise, you name it...but his school work was being affected more than I even realized and it was affecting his relationship with his brothers and classmates. On meds now and he is exceling in school...even made the Academically Talented group...he teacher seemed surprised. I will say that finding the right medication was difficult....Many made him too zoned out and he was not him:( and he couldn;t sleep. He is on medication now that just gets him through the school day...we can handle his ADD at home. like the others said though...each kid is different and as moms we know best...just wanted to share.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS...Thanks:)

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote a long post and as I was near the end it went away. Why can't that shit happen when you are on the first sentence? I am so slow it takes me forever to write the stupid stuff I write.

Thanks for the comments about my W's strange statements. I know we all have heard dumb things like this, but I thought this one was a little different.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Scared. Or Still? SS? Not sure what to call you. Certainly can't do the whole moniker... too un-Nell-like.

Boyo2 info... I am comfortable with the ADHD diagnosis; it fits. We (or rather, the school psychologist with our input) has put some mechanisms in place in the classroom that seem to help (special chair, altering expectations, etc.) and I am thinking that now--end of school year--would be a good time to try the meds to see if they help a bit more. His relationships with others is affected by his hyperfocusing on some details and not focusing on others (like social "cues"), and that is not okay. If the meds don't help, or if they make things worse, now would be the time to figure that out IMO. Mr. Nell will come around to this solution; I think he needs to find someone he respects (a man) to tell him that he (the man) has done that and it's a good solution. Because he sure as shit doesn't respect me. He does think that I act in a way that is respectable, but he doesn't respect me. I don't know if he could show respect to me at this point in his life. I'm a woman, and the FOO issues taught him that a man doesn't show respect for a woman's opinions... that would make him a wussy (but with a "p"). The woman is supposed to do whatever the man wants and be happy doing it.

Huh, talked myself around to blaming WH's FOO issues for our problems again. Gee, that seems to be a theme, Nell. Wonder if perhaps you should do something about that? Wonder what you COULD do about that? Lead the horse to the water, perhaps, and tell him that he can either drink or die of dehydration without you?

Allgood,
It's nice to keep evidence or journals around, just to reassure yourself that YOU are not the crazy one. I have a yellow file at work marked "evidence" along with my journaling that keeps me from accidentally believing any marshmallow lollipop babytalk thinking that WH throws my way. Mr. Nell likes "I'm sure I didn't MEAN..." That way, he's not arguing the facts, he's just making sure I know that I misinterpreted what he said, because I believe the worst about him, because I'm mean and horrible. And I should probably apologize and maybe make some brownies and definitely not ask any questions ever again.

Laura,

Now is my time.
Now is your time.

E-fist bump.

tryn,

A powerful person of strength with a very soft loving soul.

Love this. This is what I wanna be when I grow up and dislodge the poison apple from my throat.

I vented for a bit so this took me a loooooong time to finish. (I talked myself calm so moved the vent into my journal... I'm already too damn chatty.) Must get a few things done today. Hugs to the tribe.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Venting....last night WH told me that I have been cold and unloving the last 2 to 3 weeks (can't have anything to do with finding the hidden empty bottle of Cialis in a sock in his truck) and that he really needed me because he had a really hard week at work. How does everything come back to being my fault? And of course him hiding the Cialis from me was my fault too because of my history of overreacting?????? Really what does he expect of me? I do not think I have been cold and unloving...I do think I have been guarded and with good reason. I asked WH if I gave him my love would he promise not to SH*T on it...of course he did. Swears he is not talking to OW ever again that our M and our future means too much to him. Of course my guard is also in hyper mode bc yesterday I had a missed call on my cell from an UNKNOWN number. Only other times I got a call from an UNKNOWN number on my cell before it was OW to drop a bomb on me. :( Don't want to sabotage his efforts if they are honest...Do I just let my guard down and give this R my all? Give my love freely and if I get sideswiped again so be it....and then find my effing boot straps :) and pull myself up and get on with it?

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - End of school year is a good idea bc like I mentioned we had to try at least 4 before we found the right one. Also you will want to see for yourself how the meds affect him and not have to rely on the teachers and others to tell you. You know him best.:)

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared,
What your WH is doing is called blameshifting. He is telling you that you are the cause of the hurts in your marriage, when the truth is that his actions have destroyed the very foundation of your marriage. He burned that f*cker to the ground and is now standing there telling you that it's your fault because you turned down the thermostat and he was chilly so he was forced to pour a tanker-full of gasoline over the roof and light a match. And your sense of loss makes him uncomfortable and that's your fault, too.

Really? REALLY?!?! Don't buy into that.

Thanks for the msg about Boyo1. I know what we need to do. Unfortunately, I've got WH's dragging feet to deal with.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell....I know you are right. I should know better then to engage in these conversations with him esp after he has had about 5 or 6 beers Oh forgot to mention that he used the classic WS line...You always think the worse of me...

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooooooooooooooh myyyyyyyyyyyyyy Guuuuuuuuuuuuud... I am soooooooooooooo angry... there is no way that I can be alone with WH right now and we are supposed to go to a seminar on parenting a child with ADHD tomorrow in a town 30-45 minutes away... and I am very afraid that at some point while driving he will try to touch me and I will rip his arm off and beat him to death with it. I simply cannot go to jail. I am way too small to survive a rage-fueled bitchfight.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,
What's going on?
(And, I disagree - you could win the fight. Lol)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just random burning anger. There are triggers, but mostly it's just a feeling of rage sitting on my lungs. Someone else called it My Year Of Living Angrily. Gonna do whatever necessary to avoid WH today, possibly tomorrow. Maybe the rest of his life.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nell))...i hate when that happens...unless of course its before a workout....then i use it...more often then not its a time that totally inconvenient....


still: i like this version of your name, i picture you do some sort of meditation, stilling your mind...

anyways...yup, pfm has said quite alot of what mr still says....it quite maddening...truly truly maddening....i have often said he was the most fustrating person i have met in my life....his foo comes next...and there they flip flop from his sister, his father, his mother, his brother, his other sister, his other brother...etc....


allgood: of course you made the decision....how could he think otherwise, that would make him evolved...


dip: of course its the long posts that just *poof*, it cannot be in the beginning because then it wouldn't fustrate you....and that would be contradictory to the gods that be...


laura:

Now is my time.

Now is your time

i completely agree


WE have been totally unselfish for a long time while they were totally selfish in their As. Now the scales need to be more balanced.

again i completely agree...although the scales will never balance for many of us....sad truth


how are you today honest???


purple....you have said several times that she needs to be the one to leave or that you will kick her to curb.....will she leave the kids behind with you...????


ats: did i miss something did mrs ats go away...i thought the next trip was supposed to be both of you....

and ats she is doing so well....i know its still fustrating for you because rightfully you should not have to still put some of your shit aside...very fustrating because its still all about her....but chin up because i don't think that will last...she is slowly coming into a "its all about us" form.....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.