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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Laura. No problems, really. Just the weekend blehs.

Must run and get dinner on the table.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- no 2x4s from me.
I don't know how you stay sane knowing that he still works with two of the OW!
So..IMHO monitoring their FB activity is not too unusual.
I did a lot of that for years.
I think for me it had to do with the feeling that the OW knew everything about me etc. and what was going on so now.. I want to know as much as possible about her and her miserable life.
I finally am calming down about focusing on the OW but it has taken me 4 yrs to get to this point!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJgal

FWH could leave his job but because of the employment sich here he would be unemployed. It's a really good job and just another thing I would "lose" if he left it.

In a strange way knowing he sees them often and stays away helps. I suppose it reinforces for me that he really HAS chosen me. I realise it is fraught with danger and it does bother me at timesnbut I believe if he wanted to cheat again he'd do it anywhere with anyone so .....He has to choose. I believe he has.

Thanks for the support

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

purple....you have said several times that she needs to be the one to leave or that you will kick her to curb.....will she leave the kids behind with you...????


Well I fired the first shot of the battle this sunday evening. I let my emotions get the better of me as i could have been more tactful.For the 4th sunday in row home after 6 pm so as she walked thru the door said
:"if you dont want to be here pack your bags & leave"

WW " No you fucking pack your bags & leave"

She wont leave I know she wont. Total cold war 180 both ways at the moment. I remain pleasant & friendly for the benefit of the kids. She is pissed big time but Im not entertaining her game.
Next step to commence the financial seperation.

Time will tell.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 8:00 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((DP))))

Have you identified OM yet? This is abominable.

I don't know what to say.

I think you need to out her to everyone including her family. Call a member of her family. Tell them to come look after the kids because she's off screwing OM, pack your bags and leave.

Things are now desperate. You shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura: no 2x4's from me either....i think for as long as you need the reassurance...get it...at some point though in your future i hope you no longer need it.....


nell: me thinks there is lots more anger then flatness for you....


flatness is the one emotion i have never felt, anger...lots, hurt and pain...more then i can bare at times....sadness...feeling that one big time tonite.. ...god bless xanax though....hopefully it will kick in soon....

you know what is amazing....i have written and written, deleted and deleted over and over again, getting it out, and even though i am not posting most of what i wrote over and over it still feels good, feels cathartic to get it out, even if i am the only one who saw it, read it....it feels good to just be able to ramble away, purging .....

and yes if he were not a constant reader here i probably would have posted instead of deleted...yet something i have lost, that he has taken.....


oh, its been confirmed..manchild has a girlfreind for all of a week...and he is taking her to the prom....my baby is growing up....although i think i knew that already when i caught him looking at porn on the pc....but somehow this feels more real...i guess because she is not just a picture but a breathing human...

(((tribe)))


purple there is a song that everytime i hear it i think of you.....unfaithful i think its by rhianna....its scary how similar....

purple ...a personal question....and you do not have to answer...

what kind of a husband were you before?....

eta: laura i love when i have to scroll and i see the collage, it makes me smile everytime...and just now when i scrolled i really needed to smile..so thanks again for it, and thanks especially for putting it on the first page...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:36 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I believe that the husband I am now is the husband I was early in our marriage. Then along came our family & WW asoired to be super mom. I felt left out & indeed unimportant to her. In her words I was the breadwinner. We grew apart & as the demands of work incraesed I spent more time working. Work life balance out the window.
I believe that I have worked hard over the last 12 mths being a better husband, father & man overall.I am so much closer to my children but right now ever so distant to my wife.

If I leave it will be financial ruin. I cant pay a mortgage, support a family & pay to put a roof over my head so logistically she has to go. If I leave the house has to be sold &a whole new scenario is created.
Its a mess - she is stubborn but really i feel for our kids & his because of their selfishness they are the ones to ultimately suffer in the long term.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

So many of you are struggling, that makes me so sad.
(Nell)
(Miracle)
(Deep Purple)

DP- Good for you making it be known to her that you are not her babysitter/doormat. (Not my opinion of you btw, but she probably sees it this way). Please make sure you see a lawyer if you haven't already so that you have a solid idea of what would be happening if you guys do s/d. Believe, me it's not necessarily a sensible solution - so make sure you know what you are up against.

Laura- I agree - do what you need to do for your own peace. You will know when it's time to end it and I'm glad to hear that you have faith in your H again. That is really just great. That's what it's all about, isn't it?

In "Me" news, out of the clear blue sky I decided to tell my sil the general details. She wasn't shocked, sad, but not surprised. Said she would've left him a long time ago & he's an idiot. She knows its a secret, so I hope she keeps her promise. It felt good to get that out.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother deeppurple... You need to somehow find a way to move forward in a physical way. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. It's going to take letting go and accepting a new way of life.

The following are the things I see you need to do.

You must have the courage to go ahead and tell you wife you are starting the Divorce proceedings. See, In about every situation. cheaters are too weak to divorce. That's why they don't D. They cannot because they feel this is one more stab with Satan's fork in you... and of course, they just cannot do it.

Just take the $2500 needed for retainer out of both of your money. If I was you, I would take all the cash you both have and hide it. Tell her that once the attorney figures all of this out it will be split evenly. Assure her she will get 50% of assets and debt. Get your S going.

Tell her you will go ahead and get a Realtor. Say, We will price the house to sell.

Start looking for apartments.

And finally, tell her if she wants, you are willing to try and change and make this work, only if you attend Retrouvaille.

Make sure she knows that all will be Ok. You are finally ready in your heart to move on.

You can do this. If you start now, it will be amazing where you can be in just 12 months. Just do it!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all....

Nell - I am glad your seminar went well and the drive:) I understand your comments about flatness...numbness and just plain tired of it all:( I agree the weekends tend to be harder....is it because they are around more or because we are busy doing things witht he family and trying to act like everything is ok? Not sure but they are harder.

I know we laughed your vision of ripping off his arm...but only because I think we all have those over the top thoughts...they remind me of something you would see on a warped sitcom...except that like I believe Laura said there is a lot of pain behind them and they are our real lives :(

ATS - I liked when you said that WW had to prove to you that you were safe. My WH keeps saying that I am not affectionate and he doesn't think I will ever love him again....I am not the one that stopeed loving him:( I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again....I need to know that it is ok to love him again.

Strongish....hang in there. My husband has thrown around the D word and then backed off...any time though he did I think he felt that there was nothing he could do. MY MC keeps saying that I need to give him hope...show him that I recognize the good things he is doing....so hard to do when you are not 100% convinced that they are sincere and faithful:(

Someone referenced Florence and the Machine...love that song about the Dog Days are OVer....inspiring....also has a little edge of anger I think...any how I sometimes thing I would like to change Dog Days to DDays:) I listen to it and start to believe that someday I will be able to sing along with that song and really know that the hard stuff is over and I am in the down hill stretch....

Laura - still trying to learn everbody and have seen the much referenced collage but don't really get any of the references:) Obviously someone is a colts fan :) but it is cheery and uplifting.

Deep purple - Sounds like you WW is expecting you to do all of the clean up of her mess...sorry. As far as how your marriage changed when the kids were born...I think that is what happened to us too...I became supermom and my husband kept getting promoted and focused on his job...we grew apart.

Peace to you all


Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared,

I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again..

During our first year after dday, FWW would catch me just staring at her. It would annoy her and she asked what I was doing. I was trying to "see" her. I had missed so much, she was so not who I thought that she was that I could not help but stare and study her face. I remember it was a wierd feeling for me too, trying to figure out who my wife really is.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS...it is a constant question...is my WH ultimately still the man I married but got lost or was he never who I thought he was? And the LTA of over 3 years makes it harder for me to believe that he was just lost....that's a long time to be lost and not look for your way back. Kinda of a scary thought that the man you have lived with for over 20 years and have shared a bed...that you really didn;t know him. Goes back to your comment about being safe...just wanting to know that what I see is reality:)

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP - you need to ID OM. I don't know about the law in Texas, but here in Va. if I'd had WH followed to get proof of the A I would get the kids, alimony, child support and 70% of our assets. This is a big deal. And she's EASY to catch because she's so open about this.

ETA -- DO NOT under any circumstances move out without consulting a lawyer first either...

[This message edited by m334455 at 7:50 AM, April 11th (Monday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp,
After I saw a lawyer (twice, actually, because I had more questions once the shock wore off) I felt much better knowing the facts, what I could and could not count on... I'm a data girl, so being able to write down a monthly budget based on a worst-case scenario (where WH has to pay only minimal child support and no spousal support) and seeing that I would have to make some changes but could make it was helpful.

I am so happy to be employed. I was singing all the way into work today.

Laura,
Do what you have to do. Eventually you'll have to stop, but right now I would be monitoring everything. (If I cared, which apparently I do not.)

miracle and scared,
I think I just am unable to sustain the anger for long periods of time. It's exhausting. Being around WH is also exhausting... I keep wondering WTF is going on in that muddled brain and only have peace when I'm not around him and can put him out of my own muddled brain.

m3 and dp,
I'm in a no-fault state. So however either of us chooses to screw over the spouse is not taken into consideration. I couldn't even talk about it in court. However. I can bring it up when I say that I want to be paid back for the money he spent during his affair for things like her birthday and Christmas gifts. I don't have receipts, but I have his written statements and I have his bank statements showing how much he was withdrawing before, during and after the A. So the judge would know in that way, and (the hope is) be more generous to the faithful spouse.

Allgood,
I'm glad you told your SIL and got support. Is this WH's sister or someone on your side? If it's WH's sister, remember that blood is thicker than water and try not to get blindsided by a change of support in the future...

Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I forgot to mention that WH now thinks that he might have adult ADHD. Interesting. I'll add that to the list.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my gosh i feel so so much better this am....thanks to that little itty bitty half a pill i slept for the first time in days and days without tossing and turning...its amazing how just getting enough of a peaceful sleep is enough to put me back to right...

then of course this am on my walk i encountered some major compliments, so that was enough to put me happy happyville....


purple: i know you had said before that you were a workaholic....so that meant you were not around, but when you were around if i may ask what kind of a husband were you...now i am not giving her any excuses here, pfm was a workaholic, 7 days a week, many nites included...some into the wee hours...some of it was mixed in with his ow, some of it was just work, and some still was him being on the phone with his foo...he checked out pretty much every waking hour and when he was around especially that last year prior to dday he was a monster...and still i never once considered stepping out...now i understand that there are some people who would have the in their makeup, i was not one of them....

so again you do not have to answer....but i cannot understand how she can be so cruel about it all...and it is the incessant need i have to solve or fix things or that very basic try to understand them....so i apologize again if i am intruding here....


nell: i understand, anger takes up so so much energy...but its always there isn't it just below the surface...and with your gift of sarcasm, im thinkin it comes out all the time, just not the fighting kind...but anger just the same........

still:


I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again....I need to know that it is ok to love him again.


you love who you thought he was, can you love who he really is???.....right now i get the sense that he is still not being all of who he really is, he is also not owning his shit from what i have read...

owning shit...had this little bit with pfm last nite, so many ws's just don't seem to get the gravity of what they have done...and by not getting it they continue to hurt us, continue to live without regard to us......there is so much more to owning ones shit then just acknowledging the wrong, the wrong needs to be acknowledged at the level it was made, and restitution needs to be made, and restitution when you hurt someone so deeply by betrayal is living a life to allow the bs to feel safe and that encompasses all the bs needs there....putting his or her needs behind the bs's....and learning how to finally get their needs met the right way, the way that helps the bs not hurts them....i don't think i am explaining myself well here, i hate when i know what i am trying to say and no matter how many words i find i can't seem to find the right words in the right sequence...i may have to come back to this topic later...

allgood: i am so glad you told someone, i too am curious as to the relationship with this sil, is she married into the family on his side your side, or is she his sister...and be careful with putting faith in her if she belongs to his side, she may decide that is where her loyalty will lie...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - glad you got some sleep and have found happy happyville today.

Nell & Miracle - this is my H's sister. He is not close to her, never was. On the other hand, I would say I'm legitimately friends with her & have been for a very long time. So, we shall see if she switches 'sides'. In my conversation with her I did mention that one of the reasons I wanted her to know was because I didn't want anyone to think the un-doing of the M was my fault based upon my recent scaling back from family events. She said she didn't know how anyone would think it was my fault, even without knowing about the A.
If my H knew I told her, he'd have shit fit. But, they really don't have much to do with each other even at family events, so I'm not too worried.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm an ass.
About an hour after I posted, I sent a text meant for my sil to my H by accident. The text basically said to make sure her H doesn't mention it to my H, because he would be pissed if he knew I told them.
So, then there's my H asking why I would tell her & laying a pretty good guilt trip on me , that now the kids will wind up knowing. I shot off a bunch or remarks back at him, laying the blame at his feet, but I must say I am all stressed out now that the kids will find out, not only that we are splitting, but why.
Spoke with sil, who assures me her kids didn't overhear her speaking to me & will make sure it stays that way. (Her kids are very close to my kids).
Ugh. More shit piled on top of my heap of shit.
The only thing good out of this was that I was starting to have good feelings about my H again & now that we are arguing, I am able to dismiss any romantic notions that the he may have been coming around.
Now Im beyond pissed at myself for not making the final changes to our agreement & have him sign it already.
Arrrrgggggh.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allgood)))

relax says the kettle to the pot....you have covered your bases....hopefully your sil will be smart enough to keep this secret for your kids...

as for him, mr nogood...too damned bad, don't do the crime if you cant do the time.....he needs to take a chill pill and deal with his own consequences....

everytime someone new on my end knows or learns the truth i feel like its a little bit of that karma bus giving them a little taste of their actions...


prepare your answers for your kids should they learn the truth...until then work out what YOU WILL tell them and it needs to be based in truth so that when the time comes for them to learn the real reason, or i should say the whole reason they don't feel betrayed by you......

when they are old enough they will deserve to know why their family is not together as will mine....


and remember this is NOT your doing but his for having the actions in the first place...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, your kids have ears. The older ones probably know what's going on already anyway, or have a good idea. heck, don't forget it was my DS who (at then 7 yrs. old) said "mommy, would you be mad at Daddy if he had a girlfriend?" Kids are short and unsophisticated, but not dumb.

Nell -- here you still get more $ if you file no fault and show an A contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, and the burden of proof is lower -- but you have to wait a year whereas for fault you can file immediately.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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