Must run and get dinner on the table.
FWH could leave his job but because of the employment sich here he would be unemployed. It's a really good job and just another thing I would "lose" if he left it.
In a strange way knowing he sees them often and stays away helps. I suppose it reinforces for me that he really HAS chosen me. I realise it is fraught with danger and it does bother me at timesnbut I believe if he wanted to cheat again he'd do it anywhere with anyone so .....He has to choose. I believe he has.
Thanks for the support
Well I fired the first shot of the battle this sunday evening. I let my emotions get the better of me as i could have been more tactful.For the 4th sunday in row home after 6 pm so as she walked thru the door said
:"if you dont want to be here pack your bags & leave"
WW " No you fucking pack your bags & leave"
She wont leave I know she wont. Total cold war 180 both ways at the moment. I remain pleasant & friendly for the benefit of the kids. She is pissed big time but Im not entertaining her game.
Next step to commence the financial seperation.
Time will tell.
[This message edited by deeppurple at 8:00 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]
Have you identified OM yet? This is abominable.
I don't know what to say.
I think you need to out her to everyone including her family. Call a member of her family. Tell them to come look after the kids because she's off screwing OM, pack your bags and leave.
Things are now desperate. You shouldn't have to put up with this shit.
nell: me thinks there is lots more anger then flatness for you....
flatness is the one emotion i have never felt, anger...lots, hurt and pain...more then i can bare at times....sadness...feeling that one big time tonite.. ...god bless xanax though....hopefully it will kick in soon....
you know what is amazing....i have written and written, deleted and deleted over and over again, getting it out, and even though i am not posting most of what i wrote over and over it still feels good, feels cathartic to get it out, even if i am the only one who saw it, read it....it feels good to just be able to ramble away, purging .....
and yes if he were not a constant reader here i probably would have posted instead of deleted...yet something i have lost, that he has taken.....
oh, its been confirmed..manchild has a girlfreind for all of a week...and he is taking her to the prom....my baby is growing up....although i think i knew that already when i caught him looking at porn on the pc....but somehow this feels more real...i guess because she is not just a picture but a breathing human...
purple there is a song that everytime i hear it i think of you.....unfaithful i think its by rhianna....its scary how similar....
purple ...a personal question....and you do not have to answer...
what kind of a husband were you before?....
eta: laura i love when i have to scroll and i see the collage, it makes me smile everytime...and just now when i scrolled i really needed to smile..so thanks again for it, and thanks especially for putting it on the first page...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:36 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]
If I leave it will be financial ruin. I cant pay a mortgage, support a family & pay to put a roof over my head so logistically she has to go. If I leave the house has to be sold &a whole new scenario is created.
Its a mess - she is stubborn but really i feel for our kids & his because of their selfishness they are the ones to ultimately suffer in the long term.
So many of you are struggling, that makes me so sad.
DP- Good for you making it be known to her that you are not her babysitter/doormat. (Not my opinion of you btw, but she probably sees it this way). Please make sure you see a lawyer if you haven't already so that you have a solid idea of what would be happening if you guys do s/d. Believe, me it's not necessarily a sensible solution - so make sure you know what you are up against.
Laura- I agree - do what you need to do for your own peace. You will know when it's time to end it and I'm glad to hear that you have faith in your H again. That is really just great. That's what it's all about, isn't it?
In "Me" news, out of the clear blue sky I decided to tell my sil the general details. She wasn't shocked, sad, but not surprised. Said she would've left him a long time ago & he's an idiot. She knows its a secret, so I hope she keeps her promise. It felt good to get that out.
The following are the things I see you need to do.
You must have the courage to go ahead and tell you wife you are starting the Divorce proceedings. See, In about every situation. cheaters are too weak to divorce. That's why they don't D. They cannot because they feel this is one more stab with Satan's fork in you... and of course, they just cannot do it.
Just take the $2500 needed for retainer out of both of your money. If I was you, I would take all the cash you both have and hide it. Tell her that once the attorney figures all of this out it will be split evenly. Assure her she will get 50% of assets and debt. Get your S going.
Tell her you will go ahead and get a Realtor. Say, We will price the house to sell.
Start looking for apartments.
And finally, tell her if she wants, you are willing to try and change and make this work, only if you attend Retrouvaille.
Make sure she knows that all will be Ok. You are finally ready in your heart to move on.
You can do this. If you start now, it will be amazing where you can be in just 12 months. Just do it!
Nell - I am glad your seminar went well and the drive:) I understand your comments about flatness...numbness and just plain tired of it all:( I agree the weekends tend to be harder....is it because they are around more or because we are busy doing things witht he family and trying to act like everything is ok? Not sure but they are harder.
I know we laughed your vision of ripping off his arm...but only because I think we all have those over the top thoughts...they remind me of something you would see on a warped sitcom...except that like I believe Laura said there is a lot of pain behind them and they are our real lives :(
ATS - I liked when you said that WW had to prove to you that you were safe. My WH keeps saying that I am not affectionate and he doesn't think I will ever love him again....I am not the one that stopeed loving him:( I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again....I need to know that it is ok to love him again.
Strongish....hang in there. My husband has thrown around the D word and then backed off...any time though he did I think he felt that there was nothing he could do. MY MC keeps saying that I need to give him hope...show him that I recognize the good things he is doing....so hard to do when you are not 100% convinced that they are sincere and faithful:(
Someone referenced Florence and the Machine...love that song about the Dog Days are OVer....inspiring....also has a little edge of anger I think...any how I sometimes thing I would like to change Dog Days to DDays:) I listen to it and start to believe that someday I will be able to sing along with that song and really know that the hard stuff is over and I am in the down hill stretch....
Laura - still trying to learn everbody and have seen the much referenced collage but don't really get any of the references:) Obviously someone is a colts fan :) but it is cheery and uplifting.
Deep purple - Sounds like you WW is expecting you to do all of the clean up of her mess...sorry. As far as how your marriage changed when the kids were born...I think that is what happened to us too...I became supermom and my husband kept getting promoted and focused on his job...we grew apart.
Peace to you all
I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again..
During our first year after dday, FWW would catch me just staring at her. It would annoy her and she asked what I was doing. I was trying to "see" her. I had missed so much, she was so not who I thought that she was that I could not help but stare and study her face. I remember it was a wierd feeling for me too, trying to figure out who my wife really is.
ETA -- DO NOT under any circumstances move out without consulting a lawyer first either...
[This message edited by m334455 at 7:50 AM, April 11th (Monday)]
I am so happy to be employed. I was singing all the way into work today.
Do what you have to do. Eventually you'll have to stop, but right now I would be monitoring everything. (If I cared, which apparently I do not.)
miracle and scared,
I think I just am unable to sustain the anger for long periods of time. It's exhausting. Being around WH is also exhausting... I keep wondering WTF is going on in that muddled brain and only have peace when I'm not around him and can put him out of my own muddled brain.
m3 and dp,
I'm in a no-fault state. So however either of us chooses to screw over the spouse is not taken into consideration. I couldn't even talk about it in court. However. I can bring it up when I say that I want to be paid back for the money he spent during his affair for things like her birthday and Christmas gifts. I don't have receipts, but I have his written statements and I have his bank statements showing how much he was withdrawing before, during and after the A. So the judge would know in that way, and (the hope is) be more generous to the faithful spouse.
I'm glad you told your SIL and got support. Is this WH's sister or someone on your side? If it's WH's sister, remember that blood is thicker than water and try not to get blindsided by a change of support in the future...
then of course this am on my walk i encountered some major compliments, so that was enough to put me happy happyville....
purple: i know you had said before that you were a workaholic....so that meant you were not around, but when you were around if i may ask what kind of a husband were you...now i am not giving her any excuses here, pfm was a workaholic, 7 days a week, many nites included...some into the wee hours...some of it was mixed in with his ow, some of it was just work, and some still was him being on the phone with his foo...he checked out pretty much every waking hour and when he was around especially that last year prior to dday he was a monster...and still i never once considered stepping out...now i understand that there are some people who would have the in their makeup, i was not one of them....
so again you do not have to answer....but i cannot understand how she can be so cruel about it all...and it is the incessant need i have to solve or fix things or that very basic try to understand them....so i apologize again if i am intruding here....
nell: i understand, anger takes up so so much energy...but its always there isn't it just below the surface...and with your gift of sarcasm, im thinkin it comes out all the time, just not the fighting kind...but anger just the same........
I am just not sure who he really is and if the man I loved still exists or ever existed...It is not that I can't love him again....I need to know that it is ok to love him again.
you love who you thought he was, can you love who he really is???.....right now i get the sense that he is still not being all of who he really is, he is also not owning his shit from what i have read...
owning shit...had this little bit with pfm last nite, so many ws's just don't seem to get the gravity of what they have done...and by not getting it they continue to hurt us, continue to live without regard to us......there is so much more to owning ones shit then just acknowledging the wrong, the wrong needs to be acknowledged at the level it was made, and restitution needs to be made, and restitution when you hurt someone so deeply by betrayal is living a life to allow the bs to feel safe and that encompasses all the bs needs there....putting his or her needs behind the bs's....and learning how to finally get their needs met the right way, the way that helps the bs not hurts them....i don't think i am explaining myself well here, i hate when i know what i am trying to say and no matter how many words i find i can't seem to find the right words in the right sequence...i may have to come back to this topic later...
allgood: i am so glad you told someone, i too am curious as to the relationship with this sil, is she married into the family on his side your side, or is she his sister...and be careful with putting faith in her if she belongs to his side, she may decide that is where her loyalty will lie...
Nell & Miracle - this is my H's sister. He is not close to her, never was. On the other hand, I would say I'm legitimately friends with her & have been for a very long time. So, we shall see if she switches 'sides'. In my conversation with her I did mention that one of the reasons I wanted her to know was because I didn't want anyone to think the un-doing of the M was my fault based upon my recent scaling back from family events. She said she didn't know how anyone would think it was my fault, even without knowing about the A.
If my H knew I told her, he'd have shit fit. But, they really don't have much to do with each other even at family events, so I'm not too worried.
relax says the kettle to the pot....you have covered your bases....hopefully your sil will be smart enough to keep this secret for your kids...
as for him, mr nogood...too damned bad, don't do the crime if you cant do the time.....he needs to take a chill pill and deal with his own consequences....
everytime someone new on my end knows or learns the truth i feel like its a little bit of that karma bus giving them a little taste of their actions...
prepare your answers for your kids should they learn the truth...until then work out what YOU WILL tell them and it needs to be based in truth so that when the time comes for them to learn the real reason, or i should say the whole reason they don't feel betrayed by you......
when they are old enough they will deserve to know why their family is not together as will mine....
and remember this is NOT your doing but his for having the actions in the first place...
Nell -- here you still get more $ if you file no fault and show an A contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, and the burden of proof is lower -- but you have to wait a year whereas for fault you can file immediately.