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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Purple - I am hurting for you. You have put up with so much from your WW it's no wonder you let your emotions get the best of you. Guess what?? Emotions are REAL!! There is a very real reason you are angry at your WW....she's treaing you like trash! Talk to a lawyer ASAP.

Laura - Uh, I check OW's fb page every few days. We're not fb "friends" so I can't see her status, but I've been trying since DDay to see what she looks like. For a while the picture she had on her profile was of Audrey Hepburn. (Used to be one of my favorite actresses....not so much anymore. Thank you for ruining that for me! ) She changed that a few months ago to a picture of her holding a small child in her arms, but it's so far away I can't see her very clearly. I have no idea who the child is....supposedly her children are grown or in college. IMHO - when you're ready to stop checking OW's fb page, you will.

Nell - It really burns me up how we feel so bad when we "screw" up or do something that we think we shouldn't have, yet our WS's did so much worse and they expect us to just forgive and forget?? Your WH is just lucky you haven't taken out a full-page ad in your local newspaper!

there is so much more to owning ones shit then just acknowledging the wrong, the wrong needs to be acknowledged at the level it was made
I feel the same way and I think this is where FWH and I find ourselves. I'm not sure he will ever be able to face the damage he has caused. His ego simply won't allow it. Don't get me wrong, he sincerely feels "bad" but for this, feelings bad simply isn't good enough for me. Maybe for some people, better people than me, just hearing "I'm sorry" would be enough, but it's not enough for me. I've told FWH that it is just his bad luck to be married to someone that can't just forgive and forget and it's my bad luck that I'm married to someone that thought it would be okay to sleep with other women. So we both lose.

Miracle - Amazing what a good night's rest can do!

Hugs to the Tribe!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish

...for this, feeling bad simply isn't good enough for me.

It just takes a long time of good behavior. What is good behavior anyway?

Let me share what my W didÖ
- Very aware of my triggers and tried hard to avoid them
- Always acted on any suggestions I had.. For example: IC, Retrouvaille, books
- She was very transparent and she is very transparent
- She gave me three very good heartfelt apologies
- She gave me affirmation over and over.

Let me share what I doÖ
- I am fully aware what she did and I still forgive her
- I do not bring up her A on purpose by my own choice. I started trying this about this same time last year.
- I do not punish her anymore for what she did.
- I donít tell anyone anything that would harm her in any way for what she did.
- I give her mercy and graciousness by treat her with the up most kindness.
- I try hard to heal my heart and I have given myself time. I want to achieve this frame of mind where I never have my mouth speak when my heart hurts.
- I try hard not to allow any bitterness take over my mind. I make myself change my thoughts.
- I donít allow fear to prevent me from acting or changing.
- I try and have fun with my W.

I know this, when I treat my W very well, I get it in return.

Much of your own peace will come with what you do, not what he does.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:39 PM, April 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading and praying for everyone. {{{Nell and Strongish and Still}}}

I wish I had the right words for you. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

{{{{Laura}}} No 2 x 4's from me either. It's hard not to look, but YAY for the karma bus. I don't know if I thanked you myself for the collage, but I love it. I love the beach and a nice getaway there, and the tropical fish ( I love snorkeling) and the guitar.

Miracle, great news on your DS! Great for the college and good news for the prom. They grow up tooooo fast.

Deep, go to a lawyer and see what the best plan of action would be. It just doesn't seem fair that your WW is stepping out like that and she wants YOU to leave. I know how hard it is for you and how much this is eating at you. There is no excuse for her behavior. My first xWH was drinking and constantly out playing softball, not even working, and I did not cheat. There is no excuse for what she is doing.

Ats and Tryn, I wish I knew the answer for you guys. I do know that a lot of women may feel more inclined to .....if there is more romance, without the pressure of sex. It may sound like the opposite, but it's not.

Allgood, maybe it was for the best that your WH knows that you told his sister. He needs to understand that what he did is not in a vaccuum and there are consequences to his actions. If he's angry you told, too damn bad. You gave him so many chances to do the right thing, and kept your mouth shut. I agree with NJgirl, everyone should know what an ass he is!!! ( now I'm mad for YOU!)

As for me, WH and I talked a little about money. He's still blameshifting all the problems of the M on me and tells me if he didn't marry OW, WE would have been divorced a long time ago.

I think he makes it up as he goes along. Tells me I need to be more independent, emotionally. He wasn't there for me to begin with, so WTF???

WH keeps saying he wants no restrictions on him. He wants to be free. He wants to be friends I told him it hurts too much.

There is so much I want to yell at him, but just keeping my mouth shut for now.

Just so sad too, as this will be the last time he would be staying in the house (he doesn't know this yet) If I let him here again, he's staying in the basement for the visit, not upstairs. I don't know what I'll do........

Love to all of you.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,

I love your posts and I can't tell you how much I admire your attitude. I had a very interesting/thought-provoking conversation this evening with my BFF from my high school and college days. We were both raised very strict Catholics and while I'm not so strict anymore, my friend is. I told her about the LTA a few weeks ago when she called me about something else. I had been dodging her phone calls for months as I knew it would be difficult to lie to her about how my life is right now. Anyway, we talked about forgiveness. Here's my take on it for my situation....

I can clearly see myself being able to forgive FWH for the LTA. What I can't see myself doing is allowing him back into the deepest place inside of me again. When my Dad told me I was "dead" to him if I continued to have a relationship with my Mom, his STBXW, a part of me died. This person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, was putting some pretty harsh conditions on that love. My Mom followed that up with conditions of her own. A few months later I was to graduate from college and my Mom refused to come to my graduation if my Dad's sister was there. Nice, huh? So, I had to heal the hurt myself. There was no therapist to go to. I couldn't afford one and my parents wouldn't pay for one because they both thought that they were right and the other one was evil. I'm a pretty strong person and lo and behold, I did heal myself. I was able to open myself up to this very special new man in my life and before too long we were madly in love. When we decided to marry and my fiance learned of my parent's sich, I told him how important is was to me that we NEVER lie to each other. NEVER. EVER. My parent's M was built on lies and I wouldn't have that in my M. Even when I thought FWH would be upset or angry with me for spending too much money on shoes or whatever, I was up front about it. There were times I took stuff back and many times I had to face embarrasment over something I had said or did....but I never lied to my husband. What I did do was trust him 1000% with my heart. I built a new family with FWH and our kids. Little by little I've let people back into my heart, friends, etc., but I've never been able to let my guard down with my parents. Despite my Dad's cruelty, I have completely forgiven him. He is a part of my life but I will never let him have that kind of power to hurt me again.

So, I can see that while I expect that I will be able to forgive FWH for the lies, deceit and hurts, I seriously doubt that I will ever be able to live with him as my H. Unless he makes some very, very significant changes...and I just don't see that happening. He sincerely wants to stay M to me and as much as he is able, I believe he is sorry about what's he's done. But he remains baffled and confused by the depth of my emotions. Granted, he's never seen this side of me before....there was no reason to as our life has been blessed. But I now see that when I really, really need him, he can't be there for me. It's sad, but that's the way it's shaping up to be.

I don't want to be angry and bitter. I want to be happy. I will be happy.

I rarely bring up the A. I rarely speak in anger. Mostly I just want peace.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
You know my theory about this affair crap.
There is nothing wrong with telling the truth.
You did nothing wrong.
You have every right in the world to tell your friends and family about your life.
Your husband made the decision to cheat.
He continues to make decisions to drink and stay out all night.
He wasn't worried that his co-workers might guess, or gossip. He wasn't worried that his children might find out.
He isn't worried about what kind of role model he is now when he stays out all night long.
No...instead he's angry with you.
Not himself. But, with you.
Because you are telling the truth.
Not only are you supposed to put up with the BS....you are also supposed to cover for him, tell lies, and keep his dirty little secrets.

I agree with M33...on a certain level your kids know that things are not right.

All of my family members and my husband's family know about the LTA.
And guess who his family sided with? ME.
When we were separated they sided with me too.
They did not reject him but he knew that they did not approve of his behavior and he knew that the truth was out.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish... Thank you for sharing. It explains a little to me.

There are some "givens" we all must face in life. Everyone does.
People are not loving or loyal all of the time.

Your mother and father were not so loving at that time. Now you find out the man you married does the same.

I've never been able to let my guard down

Interesting you say this.

What that tells me is you might be masking your fear. You are even afraid to talk to your friend.

I have posted this chart over and over. I am certain when you follow these simple YES words, you feel better.

I faced my fear head on. I had 7 people that I was able to "speak up" to over the 18 months of my depression. Everyone knew of my W's A. Some would say, leave the bitch. Some would just listen to me. Some would encourage me to stay. Do not be afraid of any exposure. How you treat others is all that matters.

I seriously doubt that I will ever be able to live with him as my H.

This is your choice. It is called attitude. You can have a postitive outlook or negative.

If you think I didn't have the same feelings and thoughts? Yes, I did. It was a battle in my mind.

Yes, I took a chance, a risk. If I pay close attention today, I can see about everything we do is all good.

Will she hurt me again? I don't know. If it happens, yes I will be scared but I will try and find a new partner. I know love is a selection. I can select to hug, to kiss, to make love, to give a gift, affirmation and all the other parts of love. Feelings change when you stop loving someone. I went through my best friend stop loving his XW.I see him stop loving his GF and starting to date again. He shares his feelings with me. (I know, it sounds gay.. lol)

Some people just hurt you over and over. The power others have over you is self Imposed. I can forgive someone that hurts me over and over, but I won't be with them nor have a relationship with them. This is my power.

But he remains baffled and confused by the depth of my emotions

It is so hard to communicate these feelings. You are just hurt. You are in grief. Your H has no idea what to do or how to make you feel better.

For me, Retrouvaille was the key. My wife "got it". It was very painful for her but also very liberating. I was able to overcome my fears too and finally have the courage to really tell my W how I feel.

And there is a difference between making a choice not to discuss the A, and burying it.

See Retro allows us to talk in such a way we can address our conflicts... in a good way.

Anyway, I hope you peace and a change of looking at life a little different.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:52 PM, April 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of my family members and my husband's family know about the LTA.
And guess who his family sided with?

ME TOO


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: wow, you've had some rotten parenting....i can relate, only by one parent though...and i did forgive my father for what he had done...but when he died i was so overwhelmed by my feelings of loss....not for him but for the loss of the opportunity HE never took, to apologize to me for what he did to our family, for never prioritizing me, for not loving me enough....and sadly history did repeat it itself, this time with pfm for what he did and is doing to our family, for never prioritizing me, for not loving me enough....the wounds from childhood...just never ever in a million years thought pfm would do to me what my dad did to me....weird...

well the next man i choose will do all of it way way before i even think about letting my heart get serious.....i will be prioritized and at least feel like i am loved enough.....i "see" now that i "saw" then the i was never loved enough....very simply by not being the priority on pretty much most if not all occasions....i never felt completely loved, i felt loved but not completely...hard to explain...seems i cannot explain myself today...so i will leave it at that

strong: you are an amazing woman, your thought processes are healthy ones, your plan is sound...i see you giving him every opportunity and i see you preparing for his failure....

did you have a good marriage before?....that might help you if he does not fail....

honest: well i must say i think your ws belongs in pfm's family...the size of the balls to say the things he says...

so his getting married saved your marriage at the time...i wish i could say i have never heard that one, but i have....he is a piece of work...and i would think that it would have been better if he DID divorce you years ago, when you were younger and it was easier, or when the economy was sound so that you could get a job if need be...so what favor did he really do you....

and thank god you will never let him sleep there again...and i am so proud of you for sticking to YOUR guns on this...and on his wanting to be friends...tell him that with friends like him you don't need anymore enemies...on second thought just keep feeding him whatever bullshit you need to get what you need....


aarrgghhh.. ..your ws fustrates me as much as my own....thats not good...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Honest,

The A saving the M, yaa FWW tossed that one out at me too after dday. In her view I was to be thankful she found a way to stay with me, and now it was easier for her to forgive me for being such an awful husband since I had to forgive her for the As.

As for romance, FWW has always gotten cards from me to her at work, flowers on special occasions, scented candles and flowers, etc, etc. The fact is she is unable to love me until she loves (or at least likes) herself. Add sexual abuse from an Uncle and rape as her first sex... The problem is hers. It has nothing to do with romance.

Tribe, I posted about a link wal posted with a lecture by Brene Brown. This woman studies shame and talks about barriers to a happy life. Very good stuff. FWW is so fast to be caught up in shame. Her sister, late mother and DD control her with shame. Our WS's cannot love us until they love themselves.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:12 PM, April 11th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, you are right, unless your WW feels better about herself, it will be difficult for her to let go.

Oh, Miracle, talk about balls, WH tried to get in bed the other night, telling me I could hold him if I wanted to......NPD much???

Oh, yes, WH says he was such a good husband to me. I was too emotionally dependent on him...... Oh, yes, I put restrictions on him....I didn't want him to marry another woman!!!! He doesn't want any more restrictions.
And.... our relationship will be better if we are divorced, especially how badly I treated him these past 2 years!!!!

I think if I look back over my posts, rarely would I actually see I "yelled" at him.

Miracle, I do understand fully what you are saying. I felt the same about my father. I'm finding out I didn't have a "before" either with WH, nor a during. According to WH I should be grateful he stayed with me, at least I had a man.

Oh, what else? WH says something to the effect that now it will take a long time for me to get over that he D me.

I can't wait until he leaves.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
who?me?
♀ Member
Member # 30927
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know how I fit here. You seem to know each other all so well. I am the newbie. But I feel the hurt just as much.

I am dealing with a 6 year affair of some sorts. It hurts. He claims it was nothing. He stopped having sex with her for 4 years or so. But constant texting...

I don;t know what to think or type... I need help...So so sad...


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi who? me?

Sorry there was no one here to welcome you.

You are welcome. Very welcome.

You haven't posted your story in your profile but I will look at your other posts to find it when I'm finished this.

Yes we do know one another quite well but new friends are always welcome.

We at LTA share a special kind of pain. We all know what it is and so we have a bond. You will get to know us over time. Don't worry if you can't follow all our stories. You can read mine in my profile and most of the others have their stories there too.

Some of us are heading for S, some for D, some reconciling and some reconciled.

Most of us are beyond those horrific first few months. But we haven't forgotten them. So we know what you are feeling.

Just post as you feel like it when you can. Don't worry about us - let us worry about you.

Welcome and big HUGS from the tribe at LTA

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who?me? - Yes, YOU.
I need help
Help is right here. I'm glad you posted today. Yes, 6 years is a LTA. It hurts. Picture a man crying everyday, several timese a day, for just over 90 days. That was me. Do you want to be happy again?

For me, it took a change.

ats - thanks for the book recommendation...It looks like something I would like.

honest... I see you now knowing the real man you married. He's been wearing this mask for so long. You are slowly peeling it away. I wish you courage.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:35 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

Why are you posting at 3.25am?

Are you OK??

You should still be in bed!!!

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Who Me....

Tell us a little about yourself.

Hi Tribe: Just checking in. Have been reading everyone's posts. Staying quiet myself. Lots going on at home. Some good things. I'm on the feeling good ride today. Hope it lasts.

Hugs to all...

Honest - Your WH is a real tool!!! I could slap him!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who?me?,
It would be helpful to post your details in your profile, at least at first while we're getting to know you. I'm not saying you have to go overboard like I did, just the barebones facts. In any event, welcome! I lurked here for quite some time before I gathered up the courage to post and many of us wondered if we "qualified" to be here. A many-years-long affair, whether it was PA or EA or a combination of both is definitely an LTA!!!

nofun,
I'm glad some of your stuff is good, and I hope the rest is manageable.

Laura,
I came on specifically to say hello to you. HELLO!

I gots nothing else. I have been getting in touch with my inner one-year-old a bit more lately and WH the last couple of times he has left the house is concerned that I know that he's not "doing anything I shouldn't" and doesn't know how to do that... phone calls? he wonders. Yeah, that would be fine. Sounds like a positive step. Too bad I don't care. It might be way too little, much too late or I might just be taking a little break. I honestly don't know what's going on in there. I'm tapping at my feelings and shouting, "hello?!?!" but no answer.

I have been spending a lot of time lately decorating my happy place in my mind, and ruminating on how I should have kicked WH out immediately, when the Boyos wouldn't (didn't) miss him at all because he had stopped interacting with any of us.

BUT! I get to go to work again today! Yay!

I no longer have my daily drinkypoo... don't know if I ever told you that I did that for quite some time. I not terribly long ago finally got to a place where the pros of staying away from alcohol during the week outweighed the cons, so I quit. I guess that takes care of my concerns that I was turning into an addict!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see that the diva is giving my 60 seconds to get this done, so here it is:

Fun: Glad you are well. Good for you!

Who: Welcome.

Honest: Good job talking to him about money. Any progress? Will you be able to continue that conversation with him while he is overseas? I think you should. I don't think you should save these kind of conversations for when he visits, the combination of stressors is too much.

As for me: yes, I understand my H is the one who did these things, that I am only telling the truth. I also understand that it is not in my children's best interests to know what their father did. It has no bearing on who he is as a father. It has no place in their relationship with their father. So, if I take actions that lead to the children knowing, I do take the blame for it. The issue with telling his family is that there is very good chance that the kids will wind up knowing. There are a lot of kids in his extended family and the parents are not always careful to watch if they are around or listening. My kids are very good friends with their cousins and see them often. So, all it takes is 1 of the older kids overhearing a parent, then confronting 1 of my kids & then there it goes. It just blows that what's best for the kids comes at my expense and to his benefit. I agree Honest, that he's been in a vacuum for too long. I must say the friends that know us both (other than his partner) & know of the A, he doesn't stay in touch with them much anymore. This sister would be the only 1 I would have any interest in telling because I'm close with her. I'm fond of everyone else, but I'm not close with them. She said people will know something happened anyway because the break up will appear to be so abrupt & for no real reason. (It's not like we've been arguing or not getting a long at family functions, etc.)

Strongish: I have similar feelings as you on the issue of forgiveness. I came to the conclusion a long time ago, that I could forgive him, but the way I would have to do it would be pretty inconsistent with reconciliation, unless I saw the big changes you were talking about. IT's easier to say, he's a good person ina lot of ways, but has issues with intimacy, fidelity,etc. Or, he was broken, made some mistakes, etc. Doesn't have to mean that he is my #1 trusted person in the world, which is to me what a spouse should be.

Alright - gotta run.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Who?Me? to our little corner of SI. The people here are wonderful and caring. Just read and post and vent. We are here for each other.

Nell: It sounds like you are on a bit of a plateau with your feelings, and that is good. We all need a break from the strong feelings we have. The emotions can overwhelm us and drown us and sometimes we cannot think properly.
I love the way you write. You have a gift. You often write things that I'm feeling that I cannot put into words. Thank you.

Hi Laura, Strongish!

Nofun, I'm glad that there are some good things happening with you. Let us know how things are going "post vacation" and after your latest discovery of your WH's.

Tryn, yes, I'm peeling away the mask, and he's noticing and starting to put it back on so I don't notice. That's why I'm putting it here. He's distracted me for soooo long and I fell in love with the mask, and unfortunately WANT the person he pretended to be.

WH can ACT so nice, sweet, charming, etc, but then he has let out his motives, and real feelings, and how cold and uncaring he can be.

Allgood: We do need to talk more about the finances. I am biting my tongue like crazy whenever he makes some asinine comment about how good a husband he always was to me!! I know just starting an argument or answering in a sarcastic way is counterproductive, but GOD!!

Allgood, you can tell whomever you want in whatever way you feel the best. I understand that in your WH's family sitch, your kids may find out the real reason why so you are keeping quiet. But otherwise, don't protect his ass anymore.

<sigh> WH is a SOB who is STILL trying to cake eat, but I'm hiding the cake.

Give me strength.

Love to each and every one of you.

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also understand that it is not in my children's best interests to know what their father did. It has no bearing on who he is as a father.

Allgood - I do agree with your first sentence - because of the ages of your children but I have to say that I totally disagree with your second one. There is a saying (please if anyone knows the exact quote feel free to post it) that goes something like this: The most loving thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Think about that Allgood.
Your H is not loving his children anymore than he is loving you when he fails to work with you to save your M.
He is not loving them when he stays out all night while you sit at home anxious, angry and concerned about where he is. And he certainly was not loving them when he was busy staying out so that he could fuck another woman. I'm sorry this may sound harsh but I feel sometimes you are way too easy on him on this topic. Any parent who betrays the other also betrays the children they brought into the world.
When my adult children learned of their father's 8 year A, they felt betrayed and angry not just for me but for themselves. They knew then that the many times he didn't come home on time to tuck them into bed, to read them their bedtime story or to attend a game or function with them was not because he had to work but because he was too preoccupied f'ing the OW. This is NOT love. This is total self-indulgent behavior.
I do know on some level why you say this but I hope you, at some point, make sure to let him know that every offense against you is indeed an offense against his children as well.
Please forgive my rant but this is one thing I feel so, so strongly about.

Honest - What more can be said about your totally narcisstic H??? What a complete fucktard. I hope you find some peace once he is gone. He is so far gone in his thinking that it would take years of IC'ing to ever penetrate the bullshit he feeds himself daily. Good riddance Mr. DisHonest!!! (((Honest)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can clearly see myself being able to forgive FWH for the LTA. What I can't see myself doing is allowing him back into the deepest place inside of me again.

(((Strong))) I can completely and totally relate to this. It has been 5 years and still I am unable to let my H back in but let me say this, it can be a very lonely existence and I'm going to preach what I do not practice - If there is any way you can work on this, I would hope that someday you are able to let him back in if you choose to stay. To me, the key is consistent commitment on our S's part, including no further abuses, lies, or hurtful words or behavior. If you can see this from your H over time, then maybe you don't have to close your heart to him forever. I hope he is strong enough and loving enough to give you what you need to feel safe enough to love him completely again.

WhoMe? - Welcome. This is a great place to be even if just to read but you will find that sharing your story and your hurts will be so helpful in getting through this initital period of pain.
And once you do you will find that it hard to leave here. Trust me, I know. I have tried several times but I keep coming back because the love and support here is just too great to leave.
(((Who Me))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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