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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who - Welcome. We are a chatty bunch but you don't have to join in unless or until you are ready. I din't know your DDay but it sounds like it is recent. When the pain is so overwhelming, just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your kids (if you have any in your care). We'll be here day or night, right Laura? Thank goodness the Aussie has us covered on the night shift!

Honest - I am actually relieved the WH is being such a jerk. It makes it easier for you to detach and do what needs to be done. If he was being nice and charming, it would be so much harder. You're on the right path....keep your strength up! This sounds corny, but I'm so proud of you!!

Tryn - I've seen the chart and it's one that I try to live by. I have been and to some degree continue to grieve for the M and husband that I thought I had. And now I'm letting go.

I tell FWH that I put all my eggs into his basket. While trying to keep my own identity, I supported his hopes and dreams, even when it meant he would be traveling for not one, but two jobs. Don't get me wrong, he supported me too...on the surface at least. I thought we had a true partnership. As it turns out, I was wrong.

Miracle - I know our experience with our fathers is similar. It would be foolish to assume that we didn't "learn" something from what happened. I learned that at the end of the day, I only had myself to lean on...until I met my FWH. I then knew that I would always have someone in my corner....always. So now the sense of betrayal is somewhat familiar. I have left myself open to R for quite some time, but at this point, like Nell, I'm trying to tap into feelings for FWH and they're just not there. Nada. Zip. Zilch. He is just annoying to me. Pretty sad state of affairs if you ask me.

My plan is to spend the next two months working on me. I want to make sure that my reasoning for S/D is sound. This is a decision that needs to be made with my head AND my heart.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who?me? welcome to our little corner of si....we can be chatty, and yes we have all learned about one another and are still learning...it is one of the primary reasons this corner has been so helpful to most of us if not all of us......

when we all first arrived here to this corner we were all so new, so raw and so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all we learned and continued learning...for some of us it seemed as though the info just kept coming, mostly because we were trickle truthed to the point for some of us to no return....

i too looked up your profile and your recent posts, and all i could assimilate is that your d-day was a bit over 3 months ago, and that because of the sich your smoking has escalated as is your use of alcohol....

well youre not alone in that one either...some of us have a glass a nite, some have had quite alot more then that, some of us have been on meds...and those of us who smoke became chain smokers i think....they are all crutches one uses when in pain....its familiar, it takes the edge off and it helps you just get through the day which some days, or most days when you are newbie is impossible...

in reading your post in reconcilliation i loved loved fallen's response to you.....i also know though what it is to be a trickle truther...it is a the most cruel experience...there are many of us here on the lta board who never got it all and never will....

we would love to help you as much as we can by sharing...so share with us when you are ready....

in the meantime, breathe, eat and try to get some regular form of exercise, even just walking...take care of your basic needs first and foremost, and if you have children, obviously their basics too.....

((((who)))


fun: glad to hear that things are on the feeling good ride....hope they continue


nell: the numbness that has the double edged sword....you feel like its all the same, nothing changes he is all yada yada yada until he says something that triggers a response whether it be out loud or just in your head, and the response of course is not pretty.....the is what it is category til he tells you the what isn't.....yada yada yada it begins again the cycle of yada....


decorating happy place....me too....but in my happy place i am no longer alone... gotta dream it first, right


i am glad you are no longer having your drink....at least not every nite, weekends though or when needed, that what i do with my xanax....my little itty bitty half a pill.....its amazing to me that something so so tiny could make such a difference in that edge....


allgood: you already know my thoughts on the matter of your kids and knowing...they are way too young and do not need to deal with adult sich....but when they are old enough they have the right to know....and i agree with fnf...he may be a good father in most respects save the most important one...and that is by honoring their mother....he is the one who is taking their family and ripping it apart....not a good thing for a dad to do...although in his mind its probably you because you can't just get over it and let it all be and let it go....which is why he is an idiot first class...


honest: i am so proud of you, you are doing so well considering what you are living with in so many aspects....stick to your guns, kkkk and keep posting all of his shit here, ALL OF IT, i know you hold back some...but i want you to post it more because i know you reread, and you reread later, and you reread even later then that.....his arrogance, his balls....major league big time....one of the biggest set i think i have ever heard next to pfms and his family....his sense of entitlement is so warped as is he....

would love to set up a line up of most of our ws's, the kind where they all get slapped, hit with a bat, shaken up and whatever else strikes your fancy to do.....honest i would put your ws in the front of the line, his sense of entitlement i think has earned him first place...


strong: you amaze me woman, you are indeed strong, your smart and you WILL BE BETTER THEN FINE.....your perspective, your willingness and your ability to see beyond what is presented will get you through this and onto the other side intact..beaten up a bit, but intact....with all your most important parts present and accounted for...like your heart, your soul, your sense of humor, your sense of right and wrong...etc....

as for me...this am on my walk i gots some more major compliments...major ones that put a smile on my face so wide....i feel good...really good

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning, peeps!

Who?

Welcome. How can we help? I found these fine folks in December of 2009 and they've saved my life in some ways. Tryn painted you a picture of him -- imagine me -- 5 months pregnant, 8 month old baby, 3 year old, 7 year old -- crying all day, 4 or 5 or 6 hours a day. I couldn't stop. The betrayal, the pregnancy . . .

I'm better now. I really am. But I sank as low as you can and still live.

Tied Together With A Smile lyrics
Songwriters: Rose, Liz; Swift, Taylor Alison

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, 'cause I know you

Hold on baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go and no one knows

That you cry but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
'Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain

Oh, 'cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay

Who? We are here to help. Please don't worry about our stories or needs right now. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

I think the standard thing they say about recovering from an A taking 2 to 5 years is pretty true. It's a bit different for an LTA -- but what I've seen here is this: usually if the BS is working hard on themselves and some on the the marriage, after about 18 months the BS has a great idea about whether the result is going to be reconciliation or divorce. They also know what type of future relationship they want with the WS. The rest is continuing to grieve their loss in a healthy way AND working with the WS. The WS is much more dysfunctional, so the rest of the "healing" time is getting those boundaries firm with the WS so that they really "stick"

For example, ATS, Allgood, Honest and I all started about the same time. Allgood and Honest have both recently decided to divorce (recent as in within the last few months.) ATS is trying for R but his FWW has huge issues (fact -- not being judgmental -- she was dealt a crap hand early in life and is just now learning how to fold it a deal herself a new one) and she's going to have to keep making some steady progress for R to keep moving forward -- which she is doing! And good for her! Me? I want to R, but I haven't decided on what terms. I haven't decided yet whether or not I can R if my husband does not earn my Genuine Forgiveness.

Ah, Strongish -- this brings me to you.

You have not forgiven your father. You have completely accepted your father, and have also accepted that he will never do what you would need him to do to completely forgive him. And you've decided that you can still have some fashion of a father-daughter relationship with him even without that complete forgiveness and that it's in your own best interest to do so.

You have also decided that it is not in your best interest to be married to someone you cannot completely forgive. Complete forgiveness requires a huge amount of effort and participation on the part of the perpetrator. You don't see an indication from your WH that he is capable of doing what would be needed for you to offer complete forgiveness and you don't know if you have the emotional energy to even try to get him to see any of that.

That would be my translation of what you wrote. I think you would hugely benefit from that book How Can I Forgive You?

Anyway, I submit that if you won't allow yourself to resume emotional intimacy then you haven't forgiven.

FNF -- Howdy!!! No! Don't leave! LTA is the Hotel California of Internet support groups.

Allgood -- I can just imagine the diva, Sunshine and Baby Paddy making a huge mess. Too funny.

So, last night I dreamt that I was in college and Barack Obama was my only friend in town (and, yes, he was President in my dream) and we ate lunch together in the White House cafeteria every day (do they even have a cafeteria? Plus, the President likes burger joints...) and my out of town friends were all worried about me because I've only got one friend in town!

At least it's less disturbing than that night a few weeks ago where I had like 7 dreams in a row that were tryn being divorced and having romantic al fresco lunches with a string of lovely 40-ish women. Wow, tryn, you really get around when you're divorced in my imagination!

Dreams. Weird.

Nell, Sometimes I think I would like to meet you IRL someday but then I get scared that I'll set off some pet peeve of yours and you'll hurt me (some sort of 'yeah, I know all us LTA'ers drove X many miles for a g2g and supposedly we all like M3 but her socks don't match so I'm going to have to kill her' kind of thing. Nothing personal. Just business.)

Point? How are you going to accomplish anything in your R with all that anger out there? Second point? Can you get marzipan to teach you how to make those movies -- because I think you could make an excellent companion series to Soulmate Schmoopies...

ATS -- I just want to see that I am always very impressed by how you've recovered from this experience. I don't know if you see that you've recovered, but you have. I know your M still needs work as does your FWW, but I am officially graduating you! Watching you gives me hope for myself.

I've got to run. I am the lucky ducky who gets to be Mystery Reader at The Pasha's preschool this AM so I'd better finish up my "real" work and get myself over there for my very important date.

OH -- ME --

I wanted to let you all know that my WH came home a little early by surprise last night and my heart leapt with joy when he walked in. I was spectacularly happy to see him unexpectedly and to have that extra half hour with him at home.

I'm not going to assign any meaning to it right now, but I thought I should mention it for two reasons. (1) For those of you who wonder if you'll ever feel that way about your WS again -- maybe. Some people do. (2) That's always in the background of everything I'm working on here. It's hard to describe how ridiculously in love with my WH I am, and always have been. I didn't even stop loving him on Dday. I have spent YEARS in therapy trying to figure out what's wrong with me for loving him -- or if I am calling some sort of codependency love -- well, no and no. The best I've been able to do is to simply accept that sometimes people we love are not good for us. I think this is what keeps me, personally, on the fence, this realization that the best choice for me and my kids might be to leave someone I do love.

Anyway, you would have thought I'd won the slots when he walked in.

[This message edited by m334455 at 7:59 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
who?me?
♀ Member
Member # 30927
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your wonderful words. I will reread them as I am battling a hangover right now. But your sincere interest in me made me write the following for my profile. So I wanted to give you some background.

Here goes...

December 23rd 2010, I found a series of texts on my H's phone to a woman reminiscing about how crazy they were, how they had sex, where they had sex, which cities...It went onto unbelievable graphic descriptions of sex acts done in those cities.

I now am informed that this originally took place 6 years ago, right after the birth of our first son, for about 6 mos. He then had one more session with the same partner, 2 years after, one night only. Since then they have been sexting.

He minimizes his involvement, saying she was not a girlfriend. No dates, no dinners, just sex initially, then turned into this sexting relationship. He doesn't remember what he said to her in texts for the last 4.5 years when I press for more. He told me he had possibly texted a couple of times with her with the last year, couple of messages each. When I was able to get the phone records. In the last 14 months, 600 messages. 200 him, the rest her...A couple of short phone calls on his cell monthly.


One caveat, I busted him for tryign to find a hooker the first year of our marriage. He claimed he never went through with having sex with her. I was dealing with my parents messy divorce at the time. We went to counseling, thought we dealt with it.

He has taken a poly. Seems he may be telling the truth about her being the only other woman he cheated on with. He travels a lot, so I am not sure. All these happened during his travels.


He claims she never meant anything, he did everything he did as he wanted affirmation. She was like a quick hit, she accepted him for who he was, so made him feel better somehow to keep in touch with her.

He is now remorseful, trying to become aware of himself, his actions. He is a liar, for the 10 years we have been married, has lied about many things, big and small. He know says he knows and is working on it. He stopped travelling since I found out. He has taken on dealing with the kids and the house. Is in IC. We are trying to do MC when we can.

I am loosing my hope. I want to be one of those people who have it in themselves to forgive, but I am afraid I am not. I don't see that ability to get over this fully in my heart.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Don't be scared... I'm really an Unconditional Love and Friendship kind of girl. (I have never maimed anyone over their choice in undergarments, really.) I do talk a good game, I enjoy getting my anger out in over-the-top words. I am also big into live-and-let-live, giving the benefit of the doubt, etc. But, dammit, when someone I trust rips my heart out, stomps all over it, spits on it, throws in in the trash and walks away from it to let the coyotes gnosh on it if they want and then tells me he luuuuuurvs me while leaving my heart exactly where he last threw it... then I get a little torqued. IRL I control it, go for long walks, yoga, journaling etc., but here I let it fly.

[Would it help if I gave you a couple friend references?]

I bought that forgiveness book you talked about and am waiting for it to arrive. I bought WH that other book that he can read or ignore. At some point, if necessary, I will go through EMDR therapy. If WH and I split, I don't think I will need it. I've learned a lot about myself over the last several years and I think I will be ready to let go soon. Right now, there's no reason for me to let my guard down, to feel safe, to believe anything WH says, to NOT feel angry. So I feel all that stuff.

R is not possible with my anger. R is not possible with WH's actions. He's getting what he wants right now. I'm angry toward him here. I'm loving toward him IRL. And yet I get nothing.

ETA: Sorry, had to go before finishing.

..."I get nothing" is not true. WH picks and chooses from among the things I ask for, and gives me those things that are easiest for him to deliver. It's up to him to decide what he's willing to do to heal this relationship, and I'm watching his actions. It's up to me to decide if that's enough. But in the meantime, it pisses me off.

I understand him better than I ever have. I sympathize with his childhood; both his parents sucked and really should not have had any children. But it makes me angry at him that he's not getting help for himself, and it makes me angry at me that I didn't fucking run away when we were dating and he did stuff that I look at now and think "OMG NELL! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT WAS LOVE?!" and I'm pissed as hell at both of us for bringing two innocent lives into this mess.

So there ya go. My anger is not helping the R process, but the R process is all-but-dead in the water anyway.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:44 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who?,
You've got minimizing pegged. You've also got blameshifting in the "I needed affection... she accepted me..."

Is his IC helping? There are many out there who suck, no matter what their degrees state. My WH went to a PhD all throughout his A whose only advice was that WH should really decide what he wanted... while WH was putting my health at risk by having unprotected sex with both of us for two years.

What is he doing to show his remorse, besides not travelling, being more present in the home and going to IC?

Your hope will wax and wane but eventually the rollercoaster will even out a bit and you'll be able to make some decent decisions with your new knowledge.

Come here often. It helps.

(But make sure your socks match your outfit. )


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
who?me?
♀ Member
Member # 30927
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Nell, the minimization is one of my frustrations. He does not really minimize the impact of it on me, more like, it did not mean much to him. So he is very sad he will loose everything over nothing.

WHat is he doing...
He took the poly. My feeling was if this was his way of dealing with problems, there has to be other ones. The survey says no other affairs, and no sexual acitvity with this woman after the time he told me. Not sure how correct these things are, but it is better than the other way around. The question about whether he dated her, or spent the night with her, came out inconlusive. He says the test giver told him he would gave graded him as passing, but the machine has its own settings. I don't believe it perse.

My trouble is I would like to really understand his involvement without all the minimization. Will any answer be good enough, I don't know...But I need to know, and he does not get the fact that I need to know to move on...

This man has not read a single book since I have known him for 15 years. In the last sic months he read The power of now, the other tolle book, 4 agreements, After the affair etc..

HE tries to control his actions and behaviour toward me, used to short. We got into very bad arguements. Happened less frequently.

His IC is good. He is the only person that got thru to him. Explaining him he never throughly loved me, his narcicistic layers, he needs to start loving himself to be a better person and truely love and cherish his family. His vocabulary know includes "pain body"...

He has been doing most of the work around the house. I am starting to slowly get more involved with the kids and house as I get better.

He stopped travel till now.

He keeps saying he will be next to me no matter what. He is trying to learn how to deal with my anger and outburst.

He says he never realized his illusion, what a lie it all had been. He wanted to avoid conflict with me,was scared of me as I hurt him bad by putting him down, being angry all the time. So he became passive aggressive, lied, twisted everthing to get what he wanted. He says he did this with everyone, not just me, or because of me. He did not know any other way. He wasn;t aware of what he was doing... Now he finally is!

I stayed away fromm the family on couple of occasions for a couple of weeks, he stayed with the kids. I am taking a trip with a gf to a great luxury resort in Bahamas in a couple weeks. We are both turning 40( more on that later!) soon. He will take the kids and go see his family, which he has not been able to do since they found out..,He talks to my mom and sister. not to his mother about this. Only his dad from what I know.

I will write if I can think of anything else.

What other things he should be doing or saying from your experiences...


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But make sure your socks match your outfit.

Jeesh, Nell. You have too much faith in me. Forget the OUTFIT -- I meant my socks don't even match EACH OTHER! Well, actually they do right now because I spent an extra few minutes finding two that match today for you just in case...

Who?

Good heavens! Your WH is busting his ass. Look, there is no magic pill. If you want to stay with him, and he keeps this up, you still have to go through all the stages of grief and that just takes as long as it takes. I'm currently working on "acceptance" which is the last stage and it's been more than 16 months since Dday. Heck, I cried around the clock for the first 4 or 5 months. THEN I started to get angry. So, I'm slow.

Anyway, I'm impressed by your WH. My WH was still hiding texts from OW's BH 6 months after Dday.

The answer to your question -- what other things should he be doing or saying -- well, what do you need? As far as saying goes -- let's try accepting responsibility. As I say to my kids -- any sentence that starts with the words "I was just..." is bullshit and does not need to be finished.

Worried if the socks match my outfit... (shakes head...)

Nell, I expressed a huge amount of my anger here too.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Just don't wear socks. Easy-peasey.

WH texted me to thank me for doing something this morning he said he needs from me. And I did not text him back the snarky response that immediately leapt to mind, nor did I stomp the phone into bits. Good girl, Nell. (head pat)

Now off to get three things done.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28... I get up to feed the chickens! I had to get my coffee, SI and paper before I get going.

who?me?... It's good you shared your story. At 4 months is when my journey started. Have you hit him with a frying pan yet? That anger part of the grief is a killer. I wish I could tell you what to do to get rid of all those feeling you have right now but NOTHING anyone can do to make them go away. Just feel what you feel and never be afraid to tell you H your feelings. He needs to know them.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:15 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn is right. You can't heal it until you feel it. Cheesy, but true.

NELL!!! -- if I don't wear socks you'll find out that I haven't cut my toenails since Super Bowl Sunday. Ok. That's it. I'm getting a pedicure. TODAY.

You can get three things done on one day? Wow. You're healed! Ok, maybe not but I'm still really impressed.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang, lost the post!!!

Who me: It's good that you were able to get away with your family for a while and are able to take a vacation. The reason that it is advised that one waits a while before making a life altering decision is that one doesn't make the decision from emotions, but from the heart and head and was well thought out.
Keep posting and venting. The first months are the hardest and the roller coaster runs rampant.


BEEP BEEP!!!!!!

KARMA BUS!!!!!!!!

I'm not revealing how I know this, but it seems that WH has been having OW trailed while he's been here. It seems that she has been seen with another man!!! (don't know what the extent of this is, might be an EA) She is lying to WH about her whereabouts, etc!!! Staying out late!!!

This doesn't change a thing between me and WH, but I am sooooooo happy. I really wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine!!!

WH and I have been talking more reasonably and respectfully. He keeps saying that what happened was for the best, that he D where I couldn't do it (I think he's right) and it's for the best.

We are resigned to that. I was crying (it is the end of a 23 year relationship and 18 yrs marriage) and told him I still love him, and he said he loved me too, I was the love of his life, but we can't live together. This is true. We've been trying to make something work that can't work. This was said before I found the Karma bus!!

WOW, oh, WOW.

Now, I can see that he is looking for his old gf that he dated while with me. Geez.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE the Karma Bus!! Yay!! Honest, it couldn't have hit anyone better!!

this am on my walk i gots some more major compliments...major ones that put a smile on my face so wide....i feel good...really good
Uhhhh, yeah girl!! I'm picturing you walking past a construction site and all the workers are whistling at you!

m3 - I'm going to look at that book. Forgiveness is such a individual thing and there's so much of it I don't understand. Kind of like the question of what is normal? What's normal for me may not be normal for you? Thank you for the book suggestion.

WH picks and chooses from among the things I ask for, and gives me those things that are easiest for him to deliver. It's up to him to decide what he's willing to do to heal this relationship, and I'm watching his actions. It's up to me to decide if that's enough.
Nell, I feel your pain here. It seems FWH only remembers 1/2 of what I tell him I need for him to do. I have told him over and over that I NEED for him to acknowledge that I didn't have to give him a second/third/fourth chance...but the only time he says anything about it is when I bring it up. Otherwise, he's more concerned about making sure that I'm doing at least my share of the work of R. The next two months should be telling. Like you, I'm going to be watching his actions as I know I can't depend on his words.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
who?me?
♀ Member
Member # 30927
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,

I wish I was as impressed. This is all coming from being busted. My last 5 6yeard have been complete hell. Gone more than 50% of the time, pretending to be busy when he is here, always acting as the perfect little husband in front of everybody, where as he has shown no support to me emotioanally the years. Just the opposite, chipping away at my love. Fighting for everything, ignorant and not willing to admit it. As I said the guy did not read a book for 15 years. And he was a world class job, where he wines and dines people for a living. Always lying, never once truthful. I now here that there were times he hated me, wanted to divorce, but I wasnt told any of that.

I was made out to be the crazy, nagging wife. It was always a power struggle, no harmony, no real caring for each other. It was always "what is wrong with you! why can't you be happy with what you have"...Where as I had a cheating SOB for a husband, who was actively driving me crazy. I knew somethings were not right, I just could not have imagined the extend of his relationship. To have had a life on the side, for years...

And now I am supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy because he stays here and tends to his family. The one he just faked to be there for all these years...

I don't think so. I feel too little, too late, too not coming from a good place...too tainted, too sad, too broken.

No vacation, no child picking up from school, no cooking, no nothing will bring those years back I was lied to...

But I need to get better, and I will make sure I use him as best as I can while he is here. Just like he took advantage of me being here, taking care of my kids, sacrificing a career, while he entertained himself with his "not-even girlfiend", what ever the hell you call it, his text buddy, fuck buddy...I dont know...

When and if he doesn't, there is the door...

Nell,
Yeah I have done my fair share, knocked him out, (I take kickboxing! He is gotten his lip split with aphone I threw. I remember biting him, when he was trying to hold me down...

What a mess! He still has no control at times when I attack him verbally. He goes on to say how my relationship with everyone else is fucked up, meaning my family, that my kids are gonna hate me, I am going to die alone and unhappy, how I am just like my father who is a completely self centric, cares about no one...HE will say everything to hurt me that he knows of. HE will yell and scream in my face harder, not able to calm me down...This was every weekend he came home, how every month or so. Getting more frequent as he grows his balls.
But yeah, I will go on a vacation, that should make up for it..


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who -- my husband acted the exact same way for the exact same length of time. And did much less after Dday at first. I guess what I'm saying is -- you're going to be ok again. Whether or not you want to stay married is a totally different story -- but you personally will be great again, and your relationship with your WH will be improved too, even if you decide you want a polite but distant co parenting kind of thing once you've worked through this.

Vent as much as you need. I just want you to know that we've been there.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who...i am so torn reading your posts and can relate to much of it...on one hand you have a ws who is actively working on who he is NOW...he cannot change the past, he cannot fix the past...the past is done....so one would think that he would need to just fix who he is in the here and now...

but for us it does not work that way...not until we feel that they "get it", really get all that they have done..and this varies by each individual...your ws it would seem was not a nice man prior...and on this there are quite a few of us here who could relate to this....

he also needs to realize that you will now question everything from the beginning of time in the relationship that is just the nature of the infidelity beast...

so now you have this man who is actively doing everything he is supposed to with some obvious lapses that should never ever occur anymore...because i am sure you feel that if really did "get it", those lapses would disappear...

but this is the thing, people cannot completely change who they are overnight, habits are hard worn and they need to be replaces with new ones....one cannot just drop a habit without picking up another.....its how we are unfortunately designed as humans...


now for his saying that she didn't mean anything...she probably didn't....my ws had 2 lta's...simultaneously...one he was in love with the other...not at all.....

for some the lta became a habit....and once developed...hard to break, impossible if the ap doesn't want it, because the ap can threaten exposure....and for the most part the ws does not want to break it, the sorry truth is the ap makes them feel good in more then one way...the ap does not have any designs on the ws except for wanting more of them, and that feeds into the ego even more...

for you...take your time before you make any decisions, time is on your side...i am big proponet of the taking the path of least regret...which means you need to picture yourself a year and even 5 years out, which choices and decisions will you have wished you made now.....review every possible of outcome of every possible scenario and that will help you narrow the field of decisions....and with very few exceptions time is on your side...so take as much time as you need...not him, YOU....

i don't know if you have read the healing library yet, please do so, it is filled with so much information, validations and genuine healing....

and thank you for sharing so much of your story, keep sharing....i may address more later....

oh and enjoy your vacation with your friend, soak up the feelings, regenerate and concentrate on you...so this is a yay...


honest: love love love it..karma bus, i love the karma bus and if anyone deserved for it to make a stop its you hon....

now i wonder why he was having her tailed to begin with....and interestingly he was talking to you in the beginning of this visit about divorcing her and taking her kids....sounds like he knew something was up...and then you were not the nice compliant honest anymore..... i love it....he deserves so much more then this though so i am hopen that bux is not through and makes another run or 2 or 3 or ?????

nell and strong....it just sucks sometimes waiting and watching, and then being disappointed yet again, neither of your ws's seem to be making the effort truly needed....


strong:

I'm picturing you walking past a construction site and all the workers are whistling at you!

cannot go into it, but better!!!


m3: those were some interesting dreams....

gotta run


(((tribe)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 2:05 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Admittedly skimming cuz I have too much going on - but had to comment on

HONEST:

YAYY!!!!!!!!
Whooo hooo!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Can't chat.Have docs appointment in 1 hour and hair in 2hours. But had to run in quick to say:

((((((who))))))

Honest

YAY. LOVE IT!!!!!


Miracle

cannot go into it, but better!!!

Love to all

Be back later

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome who? me?

Laura.

Is it yesterday or day after tomorrow there in Aussie land? I always get that screwed up.

Nell.

My socks match. They are both white and are even the same brand.

Tribe. I can never catch up. This bunch is too chatty. I need to take notes next time.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, tribe. Back to work! I'm going to take us through the steps to acceptance in my new book that I'm loving.

Step 1: You honor the full sweep of your emotions.

I need your help with these steps. Ruminating isn't going to do the trick here. I need input, and challenges and 2 x 4's even.

So, you have to grasp the magnitude of the wrong that was done to you and give full voice to the violation.

So, what are some of the wrongs/violations of LTA?

The marriage vows are broken. That's a solemn promise before God. So you don't expect the promise to be broken. It shows that your spouse will only keep a promise to you if it is expedient. It shows your spouse disrespects you. It also shows your spouse disrespects God.

There is the lie of exclusivity - your spouse is out there looking for a better deal while you're making compromises of your own needs for the good of the relationship.

There's exposure to STD's at a time when you believe you don't need to protect yourself from them.

There is a theft of intimacy. And time. And money. And sex.

There is usually bashing you going on. But it's secret and passive aggressive so there isn't even anything you can do to improve the situation because you don't even know there IS a situation.

My H was abusive to me verbally and emotionally. He was controlling about money. He neglected the children and was often verbally abusive when he did spend time with them. He grabbed and shook the 2 year old which set in motion the events that led to Dday (I.e. You need rehab, etc...)

I'm sure I'll think of other damages. What LTA damages can you think of?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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