Gotta love the Karma Bus!
"You better be good for goodness sake!!!"
Hugs to all!!!
Can't help it but all day long I've been singing to myself "The Karma Bus is Coming to Town" to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
"You better be good for goodness sake!!!"
dip: happy to here that your socks match...
m3: no 2x4's for that list...
Saw the doc - got my referral to EMDR. Did a check on my emotional situation - series of questions. 10 is great 50 is suicidal.I scored 37!!!! Wonder why???
Got my hair cut and coloured!! Looks great
My H was a constant liar, treated me like shit for years, abused me when things didn't go well for him. Lots of emotional blackmail shit and neglected the kids. never around. Too busy for us. Worst part was he just fucked me once a fortnight(wham bam thank you mam) for years. His lack of stamina I thought came with age. I didn't know he was with his whores 2 or 3 times a week. (Little vent there )
When I busted him he lied, denied and lied some more until I gave him irrefutable proof. He then TT for months. I probably still don't have the whole story. Some days I care some days I don't. I remember that, like you, I was desperate to know it all in the early days.
After Dday when I found SI I took on TWO key points.
1. Don't make any major decisions for 12 months
2. Take care of ME.
I have done both and am very pleased. FWH and I now look like we may have a future together and I no longer look like an old woman. Lost 30+lbs (Size 16 to size 12), New hair, new clothes, new makeup- new life!!!! When he commented I told him I needed to be ready to "go back on the market if things don't work out between us". And I meant it. I have told him that if he cheats again or makes me unhappy we are done! I'm not putting up with any more shit. I plan to be happy for the rest of my life and he can be part of that or not. (Yes I had some extraordinary rages too).
He once asked me why I am giving him a chance. I told him that it was because I didn't want to be sitting alone somewhere in 5 yrs wondering what if? What if I had given him a chance. Maybe he could have been the H I always wanted......
Someone on here (I think it may have been TRYN) said the best way to save your marriage is to be prepared to lose it. If he disappoints me I will hate him and leave with no regrets. He's getting his one and only chance.
So honey I know your sich seems impossible. I thought mine was. God.... 16yrs at least with at least 3 OWs - 2 or 3 times a week and he overlapped OW2 and OW3. How sick is that??? I know others who've never experienced it would say "Why on earth are you staying?" Sometimes I wonder myself BUT I am taking the "path of least regret". He is making me happy at present and I am making him happy. Do I love him? Honestly don't know. Do I care? Don't know.
I am taking the time to give him a chance and to get my head back together.
Maybe you could consider doing the same.
Remember you have all the time in the world.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 10:23 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]
Yep the time difference gets to me too. I am 14hours ahead of most of you.
It is 2.15 Wed afternoon here so must be 10.15pm Tues night at your house??
Hope you have all had a nice evening.
Honest- yay! for that karma bus running over STBX.
Time to put yourself first.
so many of his comments are unbelievable-getting married to another woman helped your marriage and he has been good to you and the kids....
yeah right, he's been spending his money supporting another wife and 3 OC instead of paying off your debt, your mortgage,or funding your boys college funds! yeah...real nice....
[This message edited by njgal480 at 1:01 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]
FWH is due home soon so can only pop in from time to time.
Sorry you can't sleep honey.
Is anything else bothering you or just your tummy?
Do you have any coke or pepsi? I don't usually drink this but find it often helps a difficult stomach.
Yep your STBXH is the King - the KING of dickheads, fucktards, dipshits ...
I continue to rejoice at the arrival of the karma bus.
I also rejoice that he has finally shown you exactly who he is. Because now you are free!!!!
The mask is off. The monster is revealed. Honey you cannot love him. He is unlovable. The man you loved never existed. I'm so sorry but now you need to feel liberated. You are no longer tied down by an unrequited love.
So now is YOUR time.
As I said before just use all your cunning to get what you need for you and your family.
Tribe thanks for your support. I have spoken to a lawyer (a casual chat with someone I know). For me D is the very last straw & Im not there yet. I know that if I start the process there is no turning back.Im not strong enough at the moment not with so many other things on the go. No 1 priority is getting a new job. Hopefully I should have a job by may.
I hadnt planned on confronting her on sunday it just came out so my game plan is a little out of order. Finacial separation starts at the end of month so Easter isnt spoilt for the kids.
My outburst has had some impact - very withdrawn from me or probably avoiding me but also withdrawn from the kids. Its certainly playing on her mind which is good - it may or may not unsettle om. Mil is talking to her in may when she is back from holidays so the pressure will be slowly increased.
Tryin - I understand what yr saying - Im just moving at my pace.
Who - welcome to our little corner of the world.
Tribe - take care.
Back to my journaling out loud about the "full nature of the injury"
I was befriended by OW -- so on Dday I also lost one of my best "friends". My oldest son also lost his best friend and still asks for him. In addition, my nanny chose to go NC as well, even though she lived with OW's family for 2 years and OW was never there so nanny was practically raising the kids that whole time -- spending as much as 14 hours a day caring for them, which, lets face it, is about how long kids are awake. She was especially close to the youngest who was 18 months old when she came and just shy of age 5 on Dday.
Other losses: My self-esteem. My sense of safety. And, a really important (possibly most important one) the feeling that I can make good judgments about other people!!! Especially other women. In all my years on this earth, I've NEVER, EVER had a female friend betray me. Not even once. I've only ever even had one friend who would date a man I dumped. And that happened after she checked with me first and we had a very long conversation about the man (it was my XH. She became his second wife. I was very candid with her. And also made it clear that we could not be friends if she did this, but that was not because I didn't like her but because I wanted NC with him. We went back to being friends after their divorce) And then MEN as well -- I have a confession: this is the first time I've ever been dumped. Because, your spouse has dumped you in secret if they have an A. So, my first unexpected heartbreak as well. Getting dumped is HARD. Who knew? No one dumps me! I'm awesome. But there you go, that was changed too. And now I'm supposed to R with the worst breakup ever, and a mean, dishonest, sneaky one too? Another loss.
I also am one of the people who thought an A is an automatic dealbreaker. And I think this is why I'm still deciding -- not from some preconceived notion warring with my reality -- but because I still haven't found a way that feels genuine and satisfying to me for that NOT to be my reality. I still think I'm one of those A = game over people. BUT I didn't expect that you would still love someone if they acted this way.
More losses: a huge portion of my love for my husband. Almost my entire sense of the ways in which he's great.
AND -- my parenting. At first, I couldn't even bear to LOOK at the children because they all look so much like him. I'm shorter tempered. I've thought repeatedly about leaving the whole family and being single. The number one reason I'm here is that I cannot leave Baby Paddy. I suppose that sounds really horrible. I do love my boys dearly too, but I could handle the standard one night a week and every other weekend away from them. But not Paddy, and more importantly I abhor the idea of her having a stepmother. Especially given WH's taste in AP (s?) and his apparent fear of being alone.
1st, I love the lists you are working on, although I will admit that your first list was a trigger episode for me yesterday. I had not thought about the reality of FWW's betrayal for quite a while. I do have a slightly different perspective than you on one of the parts, and maybe this will be helpful.
No one dumps me! I'm awesome. But there you go, that was changed too. And now I'm supposed to R with the worst breakup ever, and a mean, dishonest, sneaky one too? Another loss.
During the M I lost my confidence and optimism because no matter what I did FWW was angry with me. Since dday it has been really huge to recover my self-confidence and optimism now that I knwo the problem was primarily on FWW's end. I was working off bad data or purposely skewed information. There was no way I could have run the maze that was my M successfully. No longer am I trapped in her maze. I no longer feel like a failure or "dumped".
We all follow our own paths, but if your WW was really interested in your children having a good Easter (and lives) she would try to repair herself, repair her broken M, or D you and leave the dysfunctional relationship to rebuild a healthy life. In doing so she would model healthy behavior for maintaining or ending a relationship. All of these things would be a much better gift to your children than some baskets with marshmallow and lollipop treats in them. Taking action to repair or end the broken M would stop teaching the children that there are no boundaries or consequences in life, that people can do whatever they want regardless of the impact on others.
Honest, I am glad you were able to get a glimpse of the bus schedule. Just be aware of him projecting his feelings about himself and the OW on to you. I think there already was some of this in his request for paternity testing.
I feel so gipped by my old IC too -- because there were SO many times she encouraged me NOT to leave him over his bad behavior. AAAGH. I guess on one level if the M fails now I'll certainly have no regret over ending it, so that is good.
I also can see and accept that me and IC did the best we could with the information we had. Over and over she told me my bipolar had caused a huge amount of damage to my M and I had to keep working to repair that.
I do see that too -- it was only when WH and I went to see my IC last October that he said I'm "starting" to be the woman he fell in love with again (as is again from back when I had 1st child) Ugh. The A blinded him to me getting well (as did he and OW working to keep me sick).
And this is another problem -- I feel like it's his mission in life to create enough chaos that it is impossible for me to be well. And this is a huge life trigger for me because my Mom has Munchausen's by proxy and I was her proxy, so I've had enough of people trying to make and keep me sick for this lifetime.
Oh, ATS, I envy your ability to have processed this so well. Tryn's as well. And even Allgood. I'm so far behind even though I feel like I'm working so hard.
3rd morning in a row for me for the ego boosting....
will be back later to catch up, right now i am feelin pretty good...
It is nice to hear that you are getting the ego boost. We all need one from time to time.
Since you were happy that my socks matched would it make you happy to know that my underwear matched my socks? Well the color matched but the brand was not the same.
You WH is getting some of his own medicine. That is great. I wonder what made him think about having her watched? Do you think he might have you watched after he leaves?
It showed that your post to me about the time difference was at 10:14 pm. Your math is correct.
LTA house = Hotel California. How true.
The LTA causes a loss of respect you have for the WS. I was very proud of my W and how good she was doing in her job. I know that the A and her work performance have nothing to do with one another, but it makes it hard to be proud of someone who has betrayed you. Then there is the lack of being able to have total trust in them again. Having 100% trust is what allowed this shit to happen, so how can you trust 100% again?
I can understand why you have those feelings about Baby Paddy. It is not horrible of you. Speaking of Baby Paddy, isn't it about time for a Baby Paddy update? Please.
Hugs to the tribe.
Bwah-hah-hah-haaaaaaaah. I don't think he's had nearly enough pain and suffering, but it's nice to see a little something he dishes out rolling back on him. My eyeballs hurt, though, from the words that are comin' out of his mouth and his immediate check-in with his old GF to see if she'll pick up where wife#1 and wife#2 left off. I hope his next victim is evil and makes his life hell.
Chamomile and peppermint tea are also both supposed to be very good for upset tummies. With a side benefit of being warm and comforting in the middle of the night. I do love my herbal teas. (And wine. But herbal tea is better for me. )
nofun and fnf,
I have missed you both!
It's so hard to figure out the logistics when you're trying to mitigate all the negative effects on children. You have my understanding. It would be so much easier to have the selfish "they'll be fine as long as I'm happy" outlook of WSs and their OWs. (Marshmallow lollipop babytalk.)
Kudos to you on the socks/underwear combo. You nailed it. I myself have not worn socks for quite some time and the only pedicure I've had in over a year is long past saving. Need to get back on that, as flip-flop weather is here.
WH asked me what I want for my birthday. I told him nothing, then I gave him a list of stuff that I would like to do for me (180 stuff, like a drum set and drum lessons). He might as well finance my healing myself, right?
Amazon delivered the two books yesterday afternoon. I'm going to read WH's book first (vet it) and then hand it to him and ask him to talk to me about it as he reads. I may or may not read the forgiveness book in front of him. I know he thinks that we'll be alllllll better if I forgive him (and make up for saying mean things to and about him while reeling from his confessions and fog language), but the book also includes "or not" in the title, so I'm not quite sure.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:53 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]
I thought of one other thing: it changed the way I view sex from something sacred that bonds two people together to just something cheap that you can get anywhere. I can't make love to my husband anymore. That's not an experience I ever had before and it's not a great one -- it's just barely above masturbation, except when it's below masturbation.
Step 2: You give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution.
Some examples she uses: deciding to accept your cheating spouse but still getting a divorce and hiring an attorney to get you the best financial and child custody settlement possible.
Other things she says: ultimately does it matter what happens to the offender so long as I restore my self-esteem and lead a good life?
Goal: to feel less scared, less scarred and more in control.
For me -- I have largely a financial need to meet in this area. So I decided some time ago that I need either a post-nup or a divorce.
Step 3: You stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.
Something that struck me here: if you're having a lot of conversations with yourself you're not having enough conversations with the person who hurt you -- BUT if they can't or won't hear your pain there is still a way to stop obsesssing.
(1) Challenge your negative thoughts and talk back to ones that are mistaken or maladaptive.
(2) Questioning your habitual response to injury
(4) Distraction with positive activities
(5) Thought Stopping
(6) Social Support
(7) Normalizing your response
This one points out that some obsessing is normal and needed to recover.
(8) Relaxation, visualization and meditation
(9) Stimulus Control -- this is obsessing full tilt for a set period of time then turning to something else
m3: i love that you are "journaling out loud"...what i also think might be helpful is for you to go back and reread all of your posts and your "out loud journaling"....there are many times when we "see" what we are posting and then there are other times when we just post, randomly typing without thought....and then we move on because mostly we are busy people....sometimes though when you go back in time whether its to see your progression or even to see what your first thoughts were on each matter...often, actually more often then not our first thoughts are usually spot on, those are the intuitive thoughts to some measure.....it is when we try to rationalize and try to civilize all of it that we sometimes get off course....sometimes there is just no explaining, sometimes our first raw thoughts are "it".....we tend to get caught up in all of it, the drama, the love, omg do we get caught up in the love....but do we really love who they really are, or do we love who we thought they were, should be and could be......sure there are certain things that don't change...for instance, pfm has an amazing sense of humor, its one of the biggest things i loved about him....that is still intact...that part of him that he showed me was real...but had i seen the rest of who i now know him to be that trait would mean nothing because of the rest that would overshadow it....deep down our ws's are children stunted in their growth as adults....they are wounded, they are hurting...and they are reacting like children instead of "manning up" or "womanning up"
and the last thing i want, desire or need is to be married to a child....i want, desire and need to be with someone who has already grown up and is moving on to the next phase of their life.....someone who knows who they are, someone with integrity instead of a child with a tit for tat attitude or a child who retreats within themselves, or a child who refuses to take responsiblity for their actions....i think you get the drift here....
damn i gotta go...i was on a ramblin role, didnt think i would get so carried away...
anyways m3 keep posting....keep writing it all out....
BTW HONEST - I forgot to comment on the Karma Bus. Don't get too excited. It isn't going to mean to him what it meant to you. I mean, my WH can't show remorse but he's still all worked up about the car I totaled last year (it was his favorite car ever...)
I copy and paste my posts and responses in my journal. It's amazing to see what I've worked through and how far I've come. (Does that translate to "I'm amazing"? Yeah. Truthiness. )
If you're interested, I posted one of OW's e-mails to WH (I call it the death scene of their "relationship") in General under an OW Victim thread. It's pretty funny. And cathartic to have posted it.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 1:29 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]