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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for supporting this Karma bus moment.

I really want to answer everyone, but kind of hanging on to some sanity for myself right now.

I know, that this Karma bus won't really affect him. But, it validates ME in a stupid way. Ats, he probably is projecting on me too, and Dip, he already put a GPS thingie on my phone to show where I am. DS 16 removed it from mine and his phone already. I KNOW WH keeps track of me and where I am and asks people especially our tenant. Doesn't bother me, since I have nothing to hide.

I think (x)WH has a "Can you top this?" with his insane comments. Just trying to act nice and polite, and he says to me last night that if I would consider writing that we had a separation agreement 8 years ago so he could get the OC's passports.

When I said that was a hurtful thing to ask for, he says that he thought I had nothing against the OC's

I have to make a list. I know they have in general stupid things your WS says, but I think mine wins the prize.

It's still upsetting, though.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Step 3: You stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.

m334455,

What seems to have/ is working for me is reading and implementing the advice of Pema Chodron. Especially her books: When Things Fall Apart, The Places that Scare You, and Start Where you Are. Interestingly, Pema Chodron was referenced in the book on shame by Brene Brown that FWW was reading, and now she is interested in reading Chodron too.

I'm so far behind even though I feel like I'm working so hard.

You are doing great m334455. I have the advantage of no rugrats underfoot to care for and "distract" me from my mission, and most importantly a WS who is owning her crap and working to fix things, even if I have been frustrated with the speed.

Damn Dip, matching socks and drawers! I will have to check my Dress for Sucess book, I did not thing matching up all three was necessary. I guess I will have to find socks with a madras plaid pattern or little tiny hearts, or some argyl underwear. I am doing well to get my belt and shoes to match.

YourNellNow,
I use the journal feature on SI to keep copies of posts and actual journal entires. I consider it a nice safe location, and it is interesting to go back and read early posts. So much pain and anger back then. I also really had no clue what the real issues were/are. I also have a copy of FWW's "full" disclosure from April 2010 posted there. I revisit it from time to time, and I am almost to the point where I can read through it without being affected or wanting some of the obvious blanks to be filled in.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ATS. Now I'm keeping Amazon in business again -- and they just delivered three cases of diapers today, LOL (yes, sigh, three CASES...that is a lot of poo...like I'm not knee deep in sh*t anyway)

Honest -- EEW. GPS. I think it's kind of crazy when the BS does this -- but the WS?! Just when I think your WH can't get any crazier...that is just creepy!!!

As for the separation agreement -- HELL NO. That could have an effect on a D settlement. NO WAY. And, I know the OC's are children, but they're not your children. I could never hate an OW enough to help someone steal her children -- that's why he wants passports. And he will steal them, and it will be legal too because of his crap home country.

AND...

THIS MAN IS TELLING YOU STRAIGHT UP IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT HE WILL STEAL YOUR CHILDREN. Listen to that. Never, ever, ever let your kids go see him overseas. And get some sort of RO that is registered with TSA and Homeland Security so they can't be taken out of the country either.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I agree - do not cooperate with his request, at all. I think you already know this so I won't belabor the point. And, as to the karma bus - it's still awesome for someone to be sneaking around on the WS. Now he's losing both his wives at the same time. That's priceless. Who knows? Maybe OW said "I divorce you Mr. Dishonest" under her breath & off she goes, guilt free. Lol.

Nell: I just read a blog, something like Stories from Mommyland or something. It reminded me of the way you write. It was funny as Hell.

I'm pretty sure my H was up to something today. Just irks me. Just didn't seem like he was at work, but I can't piece it together. No sense asking either. I guess I will reference it if and when he tries to get all up close & personal with me - that for all I know he's carrying on with OW.

Revised the agreement for the last time. Bringing it home tonight. H making stupid remarks like "O - I mean your house", etc.
It's beyond annoying.
Peace out all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
You've already said that you are not letting Mr. Dishonest anywhere near the passports. Keep it up. Remember when he goes back home that he will steal your kids at the first opportunity and keep one eye open. Stupid fucktard. I hate him.

Allgood,

"O - I mean your house",

Well, you repeated his words in a high-pitched sing-songy voice, right? Because that is the proper response. Good lord. I have about had it with these mental 16-year-olds.

ats,
Can you make the journal private? I think I looked at it once, but I preferred writing long-hand at that time and wondered if everyone who registered could read it. (Why did I care when I write personal stuff here all the time?)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Y'know, the other day I was watching my husband coach my son's team and I was thinking how everyone else must think he's just the bomb - nice looking, so kind to the kids, wonderful dad, etc. No one would believe any of this crapthat is reality. And it just burns me up, that he will have no problem finding someone else (if he didn't already) & maintain a successful relationship, because it will just be about going out and partying with his gf - no conflict.
Anyone else feel this way?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

THIS MAN IS TELLING YOU STRAIGHT UP IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT HE WILL STEAL YOUR CHILDREN. Listen to that. Never, ever, ever let your kids go see him overseas. And get some sort of RO that is registered with TSA and Homeland Security so they can't be taken out of the country either

M33 has nailed this. It has been mentioned more than once. It is on his mind. Take great care. Him saying he always loved you blah blah bullshit may be his way of lulling you into a false sense of security. Be very careful. I don't know the details of how to protect yourself over there but I'm sure HS has had to do this before and will be very sympathetic and helpful esp once you tell them he has "D" you verbally and has another wife OS.

Nell and Ats

I started using the journal feature too but have gotten lazy. I will have to get back to doing it. I think it is important to track your progress. It's like my taxes I always have great intentions but ....

AGNG

I'm pretty sure my H was up to something today. Just irks me. Just didn't seem like he was at work, but I can't piece it together.


(((((((AGNG))))))

H making stupid remarks like "O - I mean your house", etc.

FUCKTARD

At Laura's Place

FWH has gone to work. He just rang and said OW2 and OW3 not working to day. Told me OW2 said "hello" as she was leaving and he ignored her. Another tick. I think there has probably been more of this since dday and he hasn't told me for fear of upsetting me. I responded "Thanks for saying" and left it at that. He needs to know it is OK. Contact with them is unavoidable I know but it reassures me when he tells me.

It's a lovely sunny day.I need to do laundry as we are going to see the kids tonight and then I am seeing psychologist to start EMDR on Sat. Getting nervous. I had a pm from another forum member (not LTA) who said she did it and it was a great help. Will let you all know.

LOVE and HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
Reality check time.
he will have no problem finding someone else (if he didn't already) & maintain a successful relationship

I can't imagine HIM maintaining anything remotely resembling a "successful relationship." Not by my definition, anyway. If he can manage to rope another beautiful, smart, successful woman into managing a relationship for him, then he might have what looks like a successful one for a while, but honestly what are the chances of that happening twice in his lifetime? I mean, look at his second choice? (Actually, don't look. And for God's sake don't make me look. Heebie-jeebies.)

YOU, on the other hand, are a fucking catch. If I were you, I'd be more worried about what standards you'll be setting for your future dating partners than thinking about the poor woman Mr. Nogood is going to fall up with next.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
It sounds like you are on your way to a successful R.
Kudos to your FWH for sharing this with you.
Make sure you tell him how important it is for him to reassure you in this way.
About EMDR...I think you will do great with that also!

Honest- Your STBXH continues to leave me speechless.
His arrogance and selfishness is beyond belief!
He thinks he did you and your kids some kind of favor by marrying another woman in a foreign country and fathering 3 children with her? Think of all the money he has spent on that woman and those children! Money that a good father should have been putting aside for his son's colllege education. Or money that he should have been using to pay down the mortgage on his son's home! Instead he was spending his money on a second family! How did that help your boys?

Just curious... how long have your youngest boys known about the OW and OC? what do they say about the situation?

and...like I've said before... do not trust your STBXH at all-not with your children not with money...nothing. He is a very sick individual.
He has hurt so many people and continues to just worry about himself and worry about how he can manipulate and control everyone.
Please take care of yourself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Nell is right.

And BTW. Good luck to Mr Nogood explaining to any future partner why his marriage broke up. Any lady with ANY brains would run a mile from a cheater!!!! And if she happens to be a cheater herself they will be able to spend the rest of their lives worrying about infidelity.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I'm going to quote you
Nell is right.

out of context and pretty constantly. Get ready. And HELLO! Look, you're here and so are we!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the laughs guys.
You know why he'll say he divorced me - cuz I'm a biatch!

Yes, yes I am.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
I agree with Nell. Mr. Nogood is not a good catch. You will probably see him fall deeper into his alcoholism...things will get worse before they get better.
He has not hit bottom yet.

M33-
For your list...one of the most traumatizing aspects of the LTA for me was the loss of security and trust. I basically was so devastated to realize that my entire view of reality was wrong. I now questioned everything. Nothing seemed safe anymore. That was why I had PTSD.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

Forgot to say I read the "death scene".

Gave me a great laugh.

Am also continuing to smile and rejoice over honest's STBXH's Karma bus. Yay!!!

Haven't yet identified OW3's Karma bus but enjoying the anticipation. Nothing more on FB (even though some have asked) which means it is probably very private and so really bad.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks M3, but I didn't entertain for one second the thought of agreeing to that false "separation agreement"!!

Allgood, you were right, I can't seem to talk to him about money or anything right now, too many "stressors" as you said. He keeps saying hurtful things to me about how unhappy he has been all these years, blah blah blah. Blameshifting has gone up many notches with him now.

He's now leaving Friday. I can't wait. My heart is pounding like crazy.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it just burns me up, that he will have no problem finding someone else
The first MC/IC actually told me that if we D she expected that FWH would be with someone new within a few months. He would be considered a great catch, unless you could see inside and realize that he's really kinda sad. And any woman who would be with a man that has cheated once is a fool and gets what she deserves!

Honest - ditto what everyone else has said. I wouldn't trust Mr. Dishonest as far as I could throw him. Of course, I'd be happy to try and throw him....just to practice??

Miracle - Glad to hear that you've now been "noticed" several days in a row. Perhaps some of the rest of the Tribe should come with you on your jaunts and see if we couldn't scare up some wolf-whistles of our own??

Laura - Your FWH gives me hope! It makes me smile to know that he may finally be getting it and realizing that what he has is so precious!

m3 - Your list is in some ways validating and in a lot of ways depressing. There are days I can reach deep for the energy to feel anger about what FWH has taken from me, but today I'm just a veg.

FWH and I had a calm conversation this morning. Why can't more of them be this way? Oh yeah....because I'm a biatch! I told him that for the next few months I would be concentrating on myself. To that end I am looking into an out-of-town workshop/retreat for me. This particular one was recommended to me by a friend that has been through infidelity in her M. She and her FWH had been separated for several months and he decided to go on his own. She says he came back a different person. She truly says that this is what made the difference for her. My friend waited a few months to see if her FWH would revert back to his "old" ways and when he didn't she decided to go herself. She did and was very happy she did. I also asked my IC about this particular workshop and she gives it very high marks. In my case, she said that she knows I am struggling with "clarity" about how to proceed and she said that she feels confident that if I attended one of these sessions that it would definitely help that issue. She has seen many patients that have attended these workshops and not a single one felt it was not worth it.

Somehow it feels even just a little better to be doing something...anything that can help me get some peace of mind. I feel like I'm just like a ping-pong ball that keeps going back and forth. It's exhausting.

Journaling on SI - I think I finished one entry and never got back to it. I can hardly keep up here in LTA! I've given up going to any other forums....they are too depressing. I'd rather hang here with the Tribe.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

Laura - Your FWH gives me hope! It makes me smile to know that he may finally be getting it and realizing that what he has is so precious!

Thanks honey

I am looking into an out-of-town workshop/retreat for me. ......Somehow it feels even just a little better to be doing something

She has seen many patients that have attended these workshops and not a single one felt it was not worth it.

You should definitely go. Please go. If you have strong recommendations from others it will be worth it. This is how I feel about EMDR. I think many of us on here are "problem solvers'. That's why we are here. In the early day I was too overwhelmed to do anything but now I can't just sit and wait for it all to happen. I have to take action. I think you need to as well. Go for it.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right Laura. We wouldn't be here if we weren't pretty strong men and women. No one here is curled up in a ball waiting for the world to end. That doesn't mean that we're not angry, depressed, frustrated or biatchy; we can be those things but we're also looking for a way out of the pain. It's like that song....


"I get knocked down, but I get up again.
You're never going to keep me down."
by Chumbawumba.

That's us folks!! I'm proud to be associated with this group. To have someone on the other side of the world, someone that has never met me, send me encouragement is what helps me get through the day. In the midst of your own pain, the members here will reach out again and again to help each other out. You are remarkable people.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - Love the post in General about the Victim OW....are you shitting me? How pathetic. Boo fucking hoo!!

M3 - I've been reading the same book. Love your posts...some of your sentiments are mine too.

Allgood - Mr. Nogood is a douche...stupid stupid man to not see that what he has with you and his children he will never have again in his lifetime. He's a fool.

Miracle - Can I come with you some morning? I need an ego boost!

Strongish - Where is this retreat? What is it called?

Dip - I didn't realize that mens socks and underwear should match. I will not tell my H this as he may want his to match also.

I've been afraid to post a couple of positive things because I'm afraid it's too good to be true. FWH has been making some positives. The first one was OW's girlfriend contacted FWH's friend and has been fishing for info about H and I. FWH told me right away.

He bought me flowers the other night for no reason and when I asked why; he said because he appreciates me and last night he grilled supper. This from a man that has never ever boiled water let alone grill.

This is seriously huge at my house. I got affirmation, a bit of emotion, gifts and service all in one week.

God knows what next week will bring.

Hugs to the tribe....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun

YAY!!!!! I could hug FWH (well almost but not quite - maybe he is finally getting it???? )

Now to his retraining. These are big steps for him. Remember the old "conditioning" approach. Lots of positive reinforcement when he does good and little slaps when he stuffs up.

We want to keep him on the right track.

Strong

That's us folks!! I'm proud to be associated with this group.

To have someone on the other side of the world, someone that has never met me, send me encouragement is what helps me get through the day. In the midst of your own pain, the members here will reach out again and again to help each other out. You are remarkable people.

Owww. You made me cry. But it was a nice cry!!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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