Tribe, I had a wonderful weekend in Southern IN. W says Yes, she wants to renew vows. So, we are.
As I think back to my feeling 24 months ago, I was in so much pain.
Somebody asked this weekend how we stayed married for so long. I said, it’s a miracle. (sorry Iwant for taking your line)
So... Life goes on.
allgood, allgood, allgood... I'm sorry Mr. Nogood is being such a butt-pimple. Tell me, when you're not angry at him these days, what are you feeling toward him? I'm hoping I have the right answer (detatched).
Congratulations! Can I put together the song list for your wedding.
(Yeah, okay, so not such a good idea. Unless "pissed off white women" is the theme you've chosen, in which case you really should ask me.)
Oh, scaredstill, I'm so sorry. It does sound like he's hiding something, doesn't it? It's quacking like a duck and walking like a duck. Here's hoping it looks more like cats in a sock.
(Seriously? Somebody's GRANDMA used to say that?! I don't think my grandmas even knew there was such a word. Though I've used up the whole family's allotment at this point anyway.)
My birthday is actually tomorrow. Thanks, all. I have never been very big on birthdays, but WH's family makes a big stink about them.
WH "read" for about an hour with the TV on last night... got six pages farther. Not sure how much he retained. If he has adult ADHD like he thinks, perhaps he shouldn't watch TV while reading. JMO.
Meanwhile, in the real world... WH's brother and his family (the only nearby relatives of either of us) have not been in contact r.e. Easter. We spend all holidays together. I wonder if that means that FIL finally spilled the beans and they are uncomfortable? I called yesterday and left a message.
I had a nice day for myself yesterday. Did a couple nice things for WH, but mostly just took care of me and spent time with my Boyos. Then watched the moon rise from my deck (and thought about getting a glass of wine to class things up a bit, but it would have taken far too much effort to get it, so just listened to my mp3 instead).
I'm glad your first session wasn't too bad! Keep us posted.
Laura - I'm so glad your H is opening up. It does feel good when they do this. Have fun on your mini trip.
Tryn - Happy that you're happy. I knew your W would marry you all over again. It is a "miracle" that most of us here in LTA are still under the same roof with our spouses and that some of us have "made it." I'm not there yet, but I'm still here.
Strongish - Does your son know?
Ats - Your W has come such a long long way. It feels good when they recognize their issues and are truly working on themselves. How was the picnic?
Miracle, Honest, Allgood, Dip, NJGal, M3333 and whoever I have forgotten to write down, know that you are all in my thoughts. Hugs!!
Tell me, when you're not angry at him these days, what are you feeling toward him?
No, I'm not feeling detached. At best, I'm feeling resigned. I'm feeling confident in the decision that s/d is the right answer.
Other than that, if I look at him (I try to avoid it), I miss him, miss what we had & what I thought we could have again. When he's gone I miss him. When I look at thekids I think about what their faces will look like when I tell them we are s/d & Daddy is moving out. A lot of things my daughter says includes the whole family - & she says what she wants us to do & lists everyone in the family by name & all I can think is what is she going to think when the list doesn't include Daddy anymore.
I'm sad & then I'm mad. I guess I thought I meant more to him than this. I thought he took me for granted, but would never let it come to this.
He appears to be having no problem with this of any kind. So, he can be nice, funny, etc. like a normal regular person, I take any nice gesture as remorse, which is completely misguided I know, but it then leads to a whole big downward spiral of emotion.
Knowing you're doing the right thing never does seem to make it any easier, does it?
Seriously? Somebody's GRANDMA used to say that?!
ATS, I'm deeply touched by your post. I think it's truly wonderful.
And tryn -- I knew she'd say yes!
Laura, I was also very touched by your post as well.
And, I'd just like to say to everyone here -- good for you for giving your WS a chance! It's so easy to think (a million billion times every five minutes or so...) TOO LITTLE TOO LATE! Yep.
Well, nanny was married this friday.
WH gave her away and I had a great time, but I did think of OW and her BH during the reception. Nanny came to this country to care for their children, and spent two years in their home.
You know, a little human decency goes a long way people!! Jeesh. If you just open your heart to people ... OW treated nanny like trash, berated her, hit her, nanny still has nightmares. I appreciated her for who she is, a smart, hardworking, lovely young woman who is exceptionally kind and gentle and smart. So, WH and I are mother and father of the bride and WH gets to make a lovely toast -- and you know if OW just hadn't been cruel and acted like trash herself ... anyway, just another of the many illustrations of how bad behavior can bite you on the ass for a long time. Not that OW probably cares anyhow. And I don't really care either per se -- I don't know. I guess their very appropriate absence sort of reminded me of what jerks people can be.
Baby Paddy is walking! Even her PT is amazed and over the moon.
My new IC said I need a shirt that says What Would Baby Paddy Do?
My life mission: to be even half as awesome as my daughter. She's self-confident, hard-working, unflappable, determined, she'll try to do something 5 or 6 times without getting frustrated, and it that doesn't work, instead of getting frustrated she tries another way. She cheers for herself by yelling "I did it!" or by shouting her own name at the top of her lungs. She claps for herself...
Surely I can be half as cool as a 13 month old???
Allgood - So sorry. My WH can do that too...I can be falling apart and he can go on with his life like he doesn;t have a care in the world....I have come to realize though that we are reacting normal...they are not. "Shake him into being the person that he was suppose to be in the first place" I can relate. the most upsetting part is realizing that this person you build your life with may have never existed. And that the person that we have cared for for so long doesn't love us the way they should????
Been away for a few days and still trying to catch up on everyone's posts.
NJgal - saw a license plate with NJgirly on it this weekend:)
i am glad that you did at least enjoy the wedding even if you got a little introspective.....its a good thing to do btw, it keeps you doing right...it keeps you feeling that doing right is the way to go.....
tryn: we all knew she would say yes, you were the only one i think that had a slight, ever so slight doubt.....i think that was a bit of fear...i hope her response helped to also give you a bit more healing....and borrow my name anytime....
ats: keep the faith, allow the relationship to grow, she is growing in leaps and bounds...i don't think she will see you as a monster for long....and its really not you you know but what she sees when she sees you and that is her own reflection....that is what most people do, they see who they are reflected back to them....that is why some people will rub you the wrong way, when you see your own traits in them....
of course then there are the people who rub you the wrong way just because of who they are, even if you never met them...i think we could all say that about mr dischonest.....
laura: i believe him.....i believe he has stopped his lying to you.....his story does not change and it makes sense (at least as far as it can, because lets face it, the behavior he had made no sense not for him not for any of them)...but there doesnt seem to be any gaps for you....and thats big...
nell: i hope you have a great day planned for yourself....when i read how its your ws's family that does this, make a big stink out of birthdays i once again could relate...pfms family used to do that too...of course it depended upon whether or not they liked you, on how big of a stink they made..
allgood: i don't think that he doesn't feel it, more like he isn't facing it, dealing with it and realizing the impact....compartmentalizing at its best...he is not going to think about that which hurts him...PERIOD...
and it sucks,.....because it feels like further slaps in the face to you.....(((allgood)))
fun: can you imagine how nuts it is to tell laura that his opening up about such hurtful shit is "good" to hear....did you ever think you would feel this way....???.....and worse i envy it, pfm never opened up about anything and i have so so many missing pieces in my life...but then again i try to put myself in another category, my life for me, for my perspective is what it was, it may not have been for him but it was for me.....so i will have to find another way to heal without that closure of knowing all i needed to know...and i am getting there....that window is closing...the window of wanting and caring to know.....because as much as i know it really does not matter because i am not reconcilling, the heart and head have quite different perspectives....kwim...
and no i do not power walk on weekends, and right now the boys are off from school so i will be going at different times....this am, no ego strokes, but a bit of warmth for my soul....from a precious child who touched me both physically and emotionally....
still: how are you today?
thinking of all our lurkers too today....spring is supposed to bring renewal...new life...my hope is that we all have just that...
When I was pregnant with Paddy -- walking through the grocery store one morning a small child, maybe three, maybe a little smaller, came over to me, patted my belly, put a sticker on my hand and said "thank you" and then waltzed back to his mother.
Some days are tougher than others. It's hard to think why. I would love to find some sort of a pattern to it or reason for it, but I can't.
It sucks when you don't have the whole truth whether you are trying to R or not. I am one of those people that need to know everything. And honestly, I don't think I have the whole truth, the whole story or if there are even more OW. I will always have my doubts, and it will always bother me until the day I die whether we R or D. I am still not convinced that we are going to make it.
I used to be a very happy person. I guess I wore those rose colored glasses. And I wish I still had a pair. A part of me will always be sad and that part of me I will take to my grave. I will always hate my H for what he did to me and my kids.
Wow..I got carried away.
We should have a big ol' bonfire, sit around it and sing kumbaya. It would make a hell of a way to end a busy day on the ass-kicking karma bus, no?
M33- Yay!! for baby Paddy! walking! how wonderful.
And.. I must say you are very strong to be able to attend a wedding without triggering...especially the former nanny's wedding.And you had fun! You are amazing.
Scared- the Jersey girl license plate! I love it!
Hope your triggers have passed. But, like I said to Nofun it's a part of the process...getting over a LTA takes a very long time.
Tell your FWH to buckle his seat belt and get ready for a bumpy ride!
Allgood-Sorry that Mr. Nogood continues to act like a jerk. He just refuses to step up to the plate and fight for his marriage and his family. I wonder if he still thinks that it will not happen.
Laura- Hope you have a great trip. Enjoy. It does sound like you and your hubby may be on your way to a successful reconciliation.
Hugs to the rest of the tribe.
I am still not convinced that we are going to make it.
I'm not sure either. Who knows what life is going to bring us?
I do know this, I am not going to allow that unknown to stop me from having fun. I enjoy taking pictures these days. Happiness is also that feeling I have after a good run on some path through a beautiful neighborhood or nature. I love when my minds hears a new song that catches my attention. I love it when I see my kids and they tell me the stories about their college experience. I like to read about the Colts, and LSU Tigers. I love it when my friends go through things that are new, exciting, and share it. I love it when my W treats me well. I like it when I am successful at work…
BTW.. took this over the weekend in the woods near a winery in Southern Indiana woods..
Don't let da turkeys get you down
Oh well, let me head out to enjoy the snow I will see in Milwaukee.
[This message edited by trynhard at 4:37 AM, April 19th (Tuesday)]
Tryn - Love the picture of the turkey.
I too am basically a happy person. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things and people in my life. And for now, my H is doing what he can to be a better H. I just don't trust him, I don't have the connection or feelings I had pre dday. I keep hoping that maybe that will come back? But then my mind wanders back to the A. My mind seems to always be there. Maybe this is what the rest of my life will be like? I read, I've gone to MC, IC, I try to keep myself busy but it just NEVER goes away. I drink too much, I get anxiety attacks. I don't even know who I am anymore. And I can put a great front on, because if you met me, you'd never in a million years know there was anything wrong.
Have you thought of trying EMDR?
I found that the mind movies, the anger, and the constant suspicion got better once FWW convinced me that she owned her issues that resulted in her having her A's, and that she was serious about addressing these issues. Note I said “got better”, some of it is still here. I would be worried if I was feeling better with nothing but time to point to as the cause, that would indicate to me the continuing and likely potential for my WS to betray me again, and that it was a “temporal rug sweeping” causing the improvement rather than having dealt with the issues. The FWS can be nice and help around the house more, but that is not dealing with the issues and fixing the problem. Until he or she can identify the real internal reasons why he or she had an A, agrees that those reasons are not healthy, and makes progress changing his or her internal perceptions, there is not hope for a healthy M. Hopefully, the recent behavior change you are seeing in your H is the beginning of a longer trajectory to healthy.
nofun, I accept that I will never have the full truth or details. I know enough to know that she was wrapped up in her lives with the OM and checking out of her M to me. I know they said things that “made” her feel good about herself, and that she traded sex for the continuing affirmations that she was pretty, sophisticated, and smart. I know that for 3 years she had more sex with the OM than with me, and that she did things with them she has never, and likely will never, do with me. I know her DDS, sister, and best friend all knew about the OM and her plans to leave me, and yet said nothing to me. Beyond this is speculation and fitting odd pieces together. I just focus on her actions post dday as a new start, she gets a pass on all her behavior pre-dday. That which I know about, and that which I will never know.
Honest, how are you doing? It has been a while.
Tryn: Congrats to you too! You worked so hard for this and I'm glad you are happy now!
Nofun: It's hard to shift gears in our thinking when all the WS's actions showed something else. I pray that your WH is really getting out of the fog and fully realizing what he did and is ready to build a new life with you.
Are you still in IC nofun? You may consider AD's. They will help with the anxiety attacks and it is a better choice than drinking alcohol ( and less fattening ) Even a low dose can help.
Ats, thanks for asking.
Nothing much here. WH called over the weekend. If you guys don't mind, I'll share things he says or does as they come up, so I can stay on my 180 train and detaching.
It seems WH put a GPS app on my phone and DS's to see where we are. He said it was in case we lost our phones!
DS 16 removed the app, and I asked him to see if I had it and remove it. This was a while back.
So, when WH came again, he put it on my phone again. I had DS 16 take it off. (I have no idea what the name of the app is or how to remove it!)
So, WH puts it on my phone again!!
One day, while WH was still here, he's looking at his phone and I can see (without my glasses) that he was looking at a list of 4 people and looks at the map. He was checking on OW.
Anyway, after WH leaves overseas the other day, I asked DS to see if it's on my phone again, and it is and he removed it. So WH calls on Sunday and sounds upset and angry asking why I removed it!!!!!! "I can't see where you are!!" I just acted like I didn't know what he was talking about. Then I said call me at home and you'll see where I am! He says he trusts me
I just said, "I swear I didn't remove it. I don't even know the name of the app or how to remove it!" (I'm still "honest" because it's true!)
WH says "I believe you, I trust you"
I bit my tongue. I wanted to scream at him at the top of my lungs: YOU DIVORCED ME!!! What excuse does he have to do this!!!!
Sorry, but have to add this to the list of crazy things Mr. Dishonest does and says.
To add the cherry on top, he tells me he misses me and loves me!!
Allgood, I truly understand what you are feeling. WH didn't call yesterday, and although I do want to detach and not see or hear from him anymore, it hurts in a weird way that he doesn't seem to care.
Feelings make no logical sense, yet they are valid all the same and we feel what we feel and have every right to them.
My IC keeps telling me that just because I feel something, doesn't necessarily make it true. (This is opposed to the "gut")
fun: you will never be the same, your feelings will never be the same, your marriage will never be the same...its time to let go of that one...and instead grow from where you are NOW....he is not the same, he is NOW connected to you where before he was not...you are a different person due to the experience and will hopefully learn to be able to cherish whatever the experience brings you as far as new insights, soul growth and a whole lot of 'stuff'.....your marriage is different, and hopefully will be better because he is connected whereas before he was not....he is NOW devoted to you, to his family...
sure the way it all came about sucks because you lost a piece of your innocence, a piece of that happily ever after dream...but life is not happily ever after and it never was...does not mean that you cannot be happy, it means you find your happy, you make your happy, you create your happy and you do what you gotta do to keep that happy...
you NOW have a willing partner, it will take time to move on from all the shit, but it is not only possible but reachable.....
"surrender" we cannot control anyone but us.....we cannot control any sich, any person with exception to ourselves.....there is a post in new beginnings to ssm, she is going through a really tough time and around page 29ish truth wrote a couple of posts on surrender...very much worth reading....those posts really resonated with me...
ok...one last thing
honest: post away...and good for you, you certainly did not remove that app yourself....you are doing wonderful.....
ok, gotta run now...
Happy Birthday Nell! hope you are able to enjoy your day with the boyos & your H.
hugs to all! I'm off to my weight loss support group so I'll try to read SI later.