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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Miracle))

It's an impossible situation.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I hope that today is better for you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Miracle)))

I am so, so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Are you really sure that staying in this sich until your kids are older is the best thing to do? I don't know how you can keep up this charade. We are here for you....keep venting.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everybody for all the hugs, the icr's and the pm's....that little itty bitty half a pill was saving grace...

i was going to post the highlights and then decided to delete the whole thing...the bottom line is that he is a child, he has no clue about who he is, he has no clue how to earn the kids respect much less mine....he pretty much confirmed that he will screw me over financially.....he is under the impression that he never screwed me over financially, hiding all that money from me, and only telling me about after i found it....lying to me about how much money he had, taking money from my mother, who had nothing, she lost interest while his money gained interest...no, that is not screwing me over financially...me doing without because i believed we were without....because i told him i have to protect my financial future that means i am hiding money now from him....the fact that he knows i am looking into going back to school so that i can stand on my own 2 feet, i guess that doesn't qualify for planning for my financial future...a job that not only pays enough but has benefits too, like medical/dental...all i would lose in a divorce.....he is such a fucking idiot....

and then he accuses me of being him....the angry him...well hello, if you cross my boundaries something you have een doing no stop since i met you....and i told him, to really think long and hard, his being able to stay in the house is a gift to him and a gift to my kids...there is nothing in it for me, except some time before i DO HAVE TO FINANICALLY STRUGGLE...whoopdie fuckin do....what a happy life i live,....ultimately i told him i want to be more then coparents...idiot starts to think that i mean getting back together...i tell him...NO, i would like us to be friends, or at least friendly for our kids, i don't want to hate him, i want to be able to get along with him, and develop that kind of a relationship because that is what is best for our kids....fucking idiot....

whew....thanks for being there for me tribe, it is SO SO APPRECIATED...and i know i am not alone, and that helps so tremendously...i heard from a friend who is open to going out so i will make some plans for my mini escape...its been a while, i and i know she needs it too...

yesterday i had wanted to come back to respond to others,...as to

it never goes away..

no it doesn't, but it does change, it evolves, and if you have a remorseful genuine ws it will change for the better, of course you will still have some melancholy moments, but that is hopefully what they will become, no longer with that stabbing pain that accompanies those moments now.....

as for the support system....there are many who do not come here as often, the support you need takes on a different level, but you check in, for your own well being check and to let others know that life is and can be good again....lovinlife is one of those people.....

then you have the others who just need the once in a while affirmation, validation to not feel alone, to feel like they can relate....that is a huge validation of sorts for all of us no matter the stage...when you feel like you can relate to someone it forms a connection and it validates you, it helps you feel like you are normal even when you question it...not sure if i am making any sense....


i keep getting interrupted, so i think i need to go for now....i don't have alittle diva...just a mom and some teens...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I'm sorry you had a rough night.

A conversation in my house from a few months ago:

WH: Blah, blah, bait, bait
Me: Start to fume
The Pharaoh: (puts his hand gently on my forearm) Let it go, Mom. He's just trying to torment you.

Yes, they will see him for who he is, even at a very young age. No, it is not your responsibility to foster their relationships with one another. yes, you have every right to be angry.

Maybe now is the time to start dismantling things. See if there are steps you can take to protect yourself financially right away.

((miracle))


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- So sorry.
Have you gone to a very good lawyer yet? You need someone that others would describe as a 'shark'.
The fee for a consultation would be worth it.
You may be all wrong in terms of what you are thinking.
There may be a lot of different things that you could do to protect yourself and the kids financially.

My own sister was actually much better off financially after her divorce!
She had a long term marriage and she had stayed home with the kids while he pursued his career so she received alimony from him to make up for those lost years.
Then she got child support and then she got a new job that was surprisingly high paying!
And...she bought him out of the house!(she gave up some of his pension for the house)
So, her kids got to stay in the house.

Her husband moved out when my niece was 10 yrs old and my nephew was 6 yrs old.

It took a few years for the divorce to be final.

But, just wanted to let you know that the kids turned out great! My niece graduated med school, nephew has a Masters degree and went to school on a full merit scholarship.

The father had minimal contact with them over the years...just the minimum visitation.
My sister was their role model and inspiration-still is!

Kids can survive this.

Check things out with am attorney..you may be surprised.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 1:48 PM, April 20th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur with njgal.

I am entitled to much more than I thought I was. And if you found the "hidden" money -- it's not hidden anymore, now is it?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-
It may be that you will NOT lose your health benefits.
He has to continue keeping the kids on his insurance and usually they have to keep the spouse on the health insurance for a time until she gets a job etc.
But, that's negotiable.

And as for the being 'friends' part.
It is way too soon to expect that. He will think that you want to get back together.
And... when you begin divorce proceedings -that's always a bit adversarial.
So... maybe in the future you might be friends but amicable co-parents would be fine.
It took my sister 15 yrs to get to the point where she and her ex are 'friendly'.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to share with you all my H's latest act of stupidity.

I snooped.
I found that he is looking at an apt tomorrow.
I'm not happy with the location - close enough to the kids, but not a good neighborhood.
Almost makes no sense. I showed him an apt a few weeks ago in our town for the same rent & he said it was too early to look.
Now, he's actually looking at something, which is sort of sad as a small part of me thought his reluctance to sign the agreement was a sign of not actually wanting to separate, and looking at this random neighborhood.

But here's the kicker: the ad for the apt says: NO KIDS!
WTF??!!!???

I know we both thought the kids would be more comfortable with him visiting here & that he probably cant afford a place to comfortably house all the kids, but I did tell him that I didn't know if that was going to be realistic. I dont think I want to see him everyday. When do I get some free time to do anything?
It's one thing to be conservative with your money, but another to choose someplace that actually bans kids?!?
I'm so pissed & I can't say anything because I really shouldn't know any of this.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - Remember Miracle's mantra....you can only control yourself. Don't waste precious energy on trying to figure out what Mr. Nogood is thinking. It will just give you a migraine....so don't do it. This is one of those lessons he will have to figure out on his own. And for what it's worth, I don't think your kids will really care to go to his apt. They might be curious initially, but the "novelty" will wear off quickly and they'll be happy that they don't have to go to his place.

(((Miracle))) - Been keeping you in my thoughts today. It's been a crappy day in the Strongish household so I don't really have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that you're being thought of.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good -

2 x 4 from one of the few here in LTA with an XS:

No more snooping.

You have decided to divorce. He is not your husband anymore.

No more snooping!

2 x 4 over.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I would be surprised if kids cannot "visit" at the apartment. My folks live in a senior community (55+), but kids visit a week at a time.

DS (younger) is coming with me to pick up DS (older). We will go a couple days early and camp while we do some diving and tubing at the springs. FWW said he would not want to come, but I guess I am not such a bad Dad after all. It is a rough night for me, I had meeting this morning near last OM's office. She so totally rejected me, and now I want to make nice.

iwam, I agree you will not do so bad as you think in the divorce.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everyone for being there..


allgood: you snooped, i understand completely....do it myself too....the issue comes into play that you know you will be divorcing and once he is gone from the house there is alot that is no longer your business and that is hard for you...i know how much you want to control your world and i know how much of your world you cannot control...like pretty much most of it, if not all of it...kids pretty much have their own minds too...so control there is pretty much in spurts and usually under severe penalty to the kid...

ok, take a deep breath now....first off ats has a point, just because its no kids, does not mean he cannot have visitors...second the bad neighborhood part....i wouldn't worry too much on that score, he is a cop and i am sure he is more then able to protect them....and he is probably looking to get away with as cheap as he can.....once he starts taking the kids for overnights and weekends he may change his address....

i disagree with strong...your kids are young and will want to spend time with daddy....only your little diva may not when she feels like she is 100% girl...daddys house will be too much of man cave for her im bettin....but it is good for them to spend time with him...and they as well you and mr nogood will fall into a routine before long....

and i would keep all visits where he takes them unless its a school nite, then if you are ok with it let him visit at your house and you could go shopping or to the gym while he is with them....even if you go meet a freind for the couple of hours....get out of the house and use him as a babysitter just so you can get some adult time....it will help your sanity...


and yes allgood it sucks monkey nuts, it all sucks monkey nuts....(((allgood)))


(((ats))) deep breath ats, a really deep breath and repeat after me...."this too shall pass"...go on, did you say it....again.."this too shall pass"...then whisper in your own ear, this sucks some big monkey nuts but it will pass....and then maybe you could go find your lion or maybe an alligator for her ass..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in DS18 room. Too much vodka tea and sad songs. am better off alone tonite. Sorry for never being what I have perceived as what you wanted Am not able to connect beyond suface

This is what she fucking texts to me after avoiding me most of the night. So sorry I am such a f'ing problem for her.

Is there an official cocktail name for Bacardi's and Tylenol 3s?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:13 AM, April 21st (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep breath ats...

i don't read this text as you being the problem...i read that she is sorry she cant be what she thinks you want...big big difference my friend....she feels sorry for herself because she feels less then...

remember when she talks shit like this its not about you, its completely about herself and her inabilities to deal with herself...so she escapes and hides out of SHAME....

not about you....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, too late for any of us to be awake. I went to get a pack of smokes. Frustrating how our WSs can head off to sleep leaving us, again, dealing with their crap. I know it is her issue, I just wonder if there is really hope at the end of the tunnel. These are her issues, shame about herself, and inability to talk to me as a husband and confident. My issue is trying to decide if this is my path, or if I need to find a new path. I first confronted her 4 years ago before last OM. I have worked on this 18 months, I am not spending my life like Dip wondering and waiting. I need her to work through this shit.

She said it tonight, she cannot connect.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats, ats, ats....

deep breaths...really really deep breaths...

she is working on them, and she is working on them as fast as humanly possible for her, for now...she is making strides...and again separate yourself from this...taking what she has right now personally is not the way to see this clearly..

if once you do see this clearly and are not taking it personally and you still feel the same...then do what you gotta do...

but ats, i don't think you want out, i really don't...and i understand you want her to be who you need her to be...and she is trying ats, she really is...and this is again one of those times where you cannot see it...so take a deep breath and go to bed...

and i would be there too and will be there...but right now another member is in some trouble and i don't feel comfy leaving....and then i saw you in trouble too...

try to get some sleep ats...for both of us..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, one more smoke andf then I crash, I am ready for bed. 'night iwam, I know I am better off than many, just want to be done.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know ats... i really do...

(((ats)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone.
Just to clarify, however, the snooping was limited to looking at what was pretty obviously an ad from a paper on his dresser. I assumed it had to do with an apartment.
And, my outrage stems from his choice of apt in that he doesn't seem to be considering the fact that I will want him to take the kids to his place. He has resisted this idea in the past, so maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.
And, yes, I acknowledge that there may be no problem with kids visiting.
But, I still think it's odd, odd, odd. He doesn't follow up on apts that don't have any kind of no kid policy in our neighborhood cause it's "too early", then 2 weeks later, he's checking this out.
Makes no sense.
I guess I will just have to wait this one out.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think everyone had a touch of the crazies yesterday. Lots of weird stuff happening around me (mostly nothing to do with me) and here, too... is mercury in retrograde or something?

How is everyone?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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