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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your emotions will always be there honest...learn to use them, learn to put them perspective and most importantly learn when your emotions are not in your own best interest,,,


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: Just because the laws overseas don't acknowledge you does not mean that our courts do not take into consideration that he has assets of value over there. You are not the only person to be married to a spouse with assets, even real property out of the country. The assets will be valued and you will be awarded a share of it.
And you do have an asset here - your home!
Does he handle all of the money here? You must have some access since he's physically not here often. Can't you fudge some expenses here and there and start saving? Or, get a credit card now with a big credit limit that you can rely on when you need to.

Here's the thing: you cannot do nothing. Go back to school, try to save a little and then you must make the leap of faith. Existing like this is not an option. And, who's to say he doesn't pull the plug when he's ready, a definite possibility since you are not really being the good little soldier anymore.

You are a bright, hard working woman and you can support yourself if need be.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Laura… I love horses… All kinds.. If I was in your collage.. maybe a horse… a Colt like this one…

Honest, my mom went back to school at 48 and she became nurse. She worked until she was 62 and paid off a small little house. You can do it anything you place your mind to. You live is a very expensive part of the country. You can move. With internet you can see your son’s every day. This is your chance to change your whole life. Move to anywhere you want and have dreamed. This should be about you.

I say plan a sneak attack. Start placing key logger on your computer and somehow find all his passwords. Get access to his money. Then on your own set up secret accounts. Then you have your own dday… wham, take it all (or at least half). Move, file D, leave him for good all at once! We’ll call it this a mind cleanser HOLY COW.. He will shit… lol…

Hey Henny, I hope you are doing well.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:38 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Very bad night but now I think I finally have it.

Tonight I finally got the stories of OW2 and OW3. (only after I told him a variation of the "orange" story.)

Summary: he's been fucking someone else at least once a week ,mostly 2-3 times a week for the last 8 yrs.

Oh well. Can only get better from here can't it?

How in hell do I put this behind me?

He is remorseful, honest and trying very hard. So I guess I have to try too. God this is hard.

Honest

I love Tryn's plan!!!Get a keylogger ASAP

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 8:24 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura is the someone else #4....???


i am glad he is purging...as hurtful as it is, it will help you heal one way or another....

and you have been amazing, so strong when you must be feeling so so hurt...we are here for you....

don't forget you will need an outlet to let out your negative feelings, whether its by exercise or coming here and running with a vent...it needs to be purged...

the more that is purged by both of you the better...


((((((laura))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strange that the colt's gums appear so healthy given the desperate state of his/her teeth...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Laura28,

Summary: he's been fucking someone else at least once a week ,mostly 2-3 times a week for the last 8 yrs.

It is not just the fucking; he was relying on this OP relationship for validation, soothing, excitement, whatever...

Oh well. Can only get better from here can't it?

It can get better moving forward, and the past probably can't get any worse. It also could stay the same if he does not address the needs the OW met, and why he chose to have these needs met by people outside of his M.

He is remorseful, honest and trying very hard.

Good, this is a beginning. How is he progressing on the why, and how he will change and be different going forward? Other than the OW, how will the next 8 years of his life be different from the last 8 years? What changes is he making to be happy and satisfied within your M?

So I guess I have to try too.

Only if you want to, if you perceive that the potential reward outweighs the costs then you may choose to put in the hard work to try and R.

God this is hard.

yes, it is.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I agree with Miracle that you need to USE your anger. Don't supress it...use it to motivate you to do what needs to be done to secure your future! And I also think taking your DS to IC would be a smart thing to do. He can learn what to say and do to help you instead of brining you down. His frustration is adding to your frustration and God knows you don't need any more of that! As for letting go....

For the most part I'm a very pragmatic person and not overly sentimental. I don't really believe in "signs" that point me in any specific direction or things like that. But there is a song that came on my ipod when I was running this morning that is pretty spot on with what most of us are going through. The lyrics alone won't do it justice so see if you can find the song and play it for yourself. The song is "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.

Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts.
Close my eyes; and leap.


It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down.

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change
but till I try, I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, it that's love
it comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down.

I think I'll play this every morning.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh well. Can only get better from here can't it?

How in hell do I put this behind me?

Yes, My W had sex with her OM about every week for 8 years on average. I figure about 250 times. She does not like to hear that number.

For some reason, my mind has just settled, accepted, and absorbed the fact that people in our lives just are not always loving or loyal. I don’t sting over it anymore. It took a long time to not feel what I felt was stolen from me.

That life is over now. I’m enjoying today. It can be for you too Laura.

I’m OK. My daily thoughts are now just something I do. Is it crazy that I now like to feel emotions these days?

I thought my M was doing so well but now I know she is not at peace. She now feels her whole life men have taken advantage of her in sexual ways.

I am pretty sure now she had some sort of lesbian experience in her youth too. The other night she could not believe I have never fantasized about sex with a man. Not once in my life. Nope, I just have not. Is that normal, hell, I don’t know? However, her best friend from high school is now a lesbian and never married. They have not been close since I started dating my W. It is just an assumption.

She also cannot believe I never cheated on her. I said only in fantasy. She attacked me with the, “what is the difference?” I just couldn’t go on and ended up doing what that last sex book advised. I just told her just tell me NO if didn’t want to have sex with me. No more obligatory sex. I would work on my "body Language" after the NO and take it graciously. I went on to make it clear this is not my issue. I am not the one feeling “pressure”. I want to have sex, I ask for it. Now I’m supposing know all the rules of when to ask and not ask.

She also felt angry hurt when I said I beleive infidelity should be punished by law. This all started with people who commit crimes like Bernie Madoff I feel should be put to death. I also believe laws against infidelity might have made her and OM think about it before they did it. Another deterrent. Not a good ending with her saying why am I with her... oh well, we are back in the happy mode now.

I do consider this a relationship issue brought on by all her bad decision made in her life. She was a woman unable to say No and always feeling trampled on by us men. Anyway, I told her it is only fair she initiates having sex and that would make me feel good. Kinda left it at that.

I’m almost ready to just stop my own initiation like ats. I am not going to live the rest of my life living on the "edge" because of a "sex" issue. What a mess. I would love some comments ats.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:18 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: is your wife in ic?...sounds to me as though she has some unresolved issues that need resolving...

and that question of whats the difference of you having sex in fantasy with others as opposed to reality....i am struggling with the words to use here....and the only thing i come up with is that is a whole lot of bullcrap and i think she has to know that....blameshifting or deflection,,,,whatever it is it certainly is bullcrap


strong: love those lyrics..

gotta run..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, she is not in IC. She thinks she knows what they will ask, do, etc. because this is what she wanted to do as a career and studied in college. I said she might need to go back. We might even need some help with this issue. But I feel healthy right now. It's not like I'm some sex crazy guy. We been going at it about once or twice a week. I love to be with her like this about twice a week. I'm having such a hard time understanding why this is not fun, happy, good thing to have with each other. I just don't get the "pressure".

Hey Strong... I saw Wicked and pulled up that song again.. When we went to that play last year, it hit me inside too.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:11 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
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Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Henny!

Tryn, I dreamt about you all night one night last week. It kept waking me up because it was creeping me out -- since I had the same dream 3 or 4 times that night. It was a very simple dream. I dreamt about you finding a new relationship with a nice woman, your kids liked her and you were happy, but cautious.

Who knows, maybe the dream was really about me, but my mind put you in as a "safe" stand-in! Ha!

As you like to say, this is always a possibility for any of us.

It's not fair to you, as it is also not fair to ATS, for your wives to punish you because they allowed other men to use them in the past. But they feel safe with you, and that is part of why they do it. I have no idea how to end that dynamic, maybe you can find an IC who does?

I also think that ATS's observation that maybe the safe person they chose when they were unhealthy isn't the best partner for them when they do get healthy -- that might be true.


Ok, moving on:

HI HENNY!

Honest -- do something. ANYTHING.

Laura,

It is what it is. You cannot change it. Yes, you do have to find a way to learn to live with it. No, that does not have to include saving the marriage. This is simple advice -- you know like other simple things such as saving money (make more and/or spend less) or losing weight (eat less and exercise). Ha! See? So easy.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love some comments ats.

Tryn,

Careful what you ask for.... This got a little long.

The other night she could not believe I have never fantasized about sex with a man.

At the risk of this insulting or upsetting the LTA women, it is my understanding that fantasies involving other women are common for women. This has been my experience with FWW, and I read this recently in one of the many books.

However, her best friend from high school is now a lesbian and never married.

A woman I dated for a year in college is now married to another woman, but I am not a lesbian.

... I know she is not at peace. She now feels her whole life men have taken advantage of her in sexual ways.

It is possible; I now understand how the SAb in FWW's history affects her. FWW is working on this with her IC and her reading. BTW, FWW is reading that book you recommended Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back Into Your Life and it is helping. Just the other week, I "asked FWW for flowers", and she delivered. I later found that she felt angry that I "just wanted her for sex." She then read in the book about re-framing. It discussed how a woman with low sex desire may negatively perceive a request for sex, and then proposes some reframing of reasons husbands may ask for sex. FWW noticed the reframing reasons were all similar to the reasons I have told her I wanted sex. Sex for me is comforting, calming, restores intimacy, is fun, and reinforces the bond of love. I have told her that when I ask her for sex it is almost never about "meeting a physical need". It is usually an emotional desire; I want to feel close to my wife, to share a special and fun activity. She read this in the book and it clicked for her.

I’m almost ready to just stop my own initiation like ats. I am not going to live the rest of my life living on the "edge" because of a "sex" issue.

The book is clear that unless your spouse is comfortable saying no, asking your spouse for sex can be a problem if your spouse has sexual desire issues. FWW is not yet at the point of being comfortable with saying no, so I really try to wait for her to initiate. FWW also knows that sex is important to me, and that I will not wait forever for her to deal with her issues with sex, desire, and frequency. We discussed this in a MC session, and the C made sure FWW heard and understood that she could take whatever time she needed to resolve her sexual desire issue, or even decide her low desire was “normal” and that she did not need to do anything more. The risk she is taking in that course of action is that I will reach the point of calling it quits. This is not a threat on my part, but an honest expression of a need that I have that can only be fulfilled with my wife so long as I am married.

As I wrote, she is reading Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back Into Your Life . There is gold in that book, but it does no good for you to read it, she has to read it, and has to want to find answers. FWW has dog-ears on many of the pages marking the passages she has found helpful.

Good luck,

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it does no good for you to read it, she has to read it,

I have that darn kindle and she has the nook. What the heck happened to just regular books? I'm going to look at the "borrowing" Thanks at..

m3... Who knows. I had a dream I was with my X-GF from back in College having sex and my W walked in on us... What the heck does that mean?

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:17 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,

The book we have referred to talks about the negative feedback loop created when the husband asks for sex, the wife does not have desire, but gives in out of obligation. According to the book, that ultimately makes things worse. I thought about this when you posted about asking your FWW and making it her responsibility to say no. Eventually, I hope that my FWW is healthy enough that I will be able to ask for sex and she will be able to say no without a sense of obligation. At the same time, I hope that in working through these issues her desire will return. I do not know how much longer I will be accepting of having more months where sex occurs just once or twice that month than months with sex occurring more often.

My FWW’s IC sessions have opened many boxes tucked away in her head, including her past incidents sexual abuse at the hands of friends and relatives. She had thought these issues were resolved, but they were not. These past issues were parts of her behavior during her A's, and are part of her current difficulties in establishing an emotionally intimate connection. It has been, and continues to be painful for her to re-visit and re-process these issues, but these are her demons to slay. The best that I can do is be supportive and provide her some time and space in which to work through what she needs to work through. When you write of your W’s history of bad decisions leading her to where she is now, she too may have some old demons to address.

While I am at it, sex is not the only issue that FWW is working on and needs to fix or improve, it just may be more noticeable. Your FWW may also have internal misperceptions or incorrect thinking that she needs to address to be fully comfortable in an intimate relationship.

For example, I want a relationship with FWW in my life, but I can imagine living OK without her. FWW says she “fears” me, because I am so important in her life. She worries about becoming too connected to me emotionally and then I decide to give up and leave her? Her natural response is to keep “one foot out the door” emotionally, and prevent a deep emotional connection. In her experience, people you love or are important to you will hurt you.

FWW does not believe that good times can be sustained all (or most) the time. She believes that a bad time or event must follow any good time. Her natural response is to not have too much fun, and to back off if things get too good, to try to control emotions to a “middle of the road” neither too good nor too bad. The problem is that the limiter she puts on us emotionally starts the downward spiral she hopes to avoid.

I understand that your W changed jobs, and that the two of you communicate much better now since dday. But, if your W’s underlying perceptions are out of alignment (as my FWW’s were/are), if she has old, but painful issues rotting away in the basement of her subconscious, these will be like the drag of a brake on her emotional connection and your relationship.

FWW was able to go NC and find remorse on her own. With some books and MC help, we were able to learn to communicate better with each other. That fixed some surface issues, but I do not believe that FWW would have been able to identify her underlying issues, and learn new coping mechanisms on her own.

I understand your W not wanting to do more MC or IC. When we started MC and exploring what happened, FWW became resentful. She did not like the labels: ACOA, BPD, FOO issues, cheater/betrayer/liar, etc. She thought she had already dealt with those issues, and did not think the time in MC was productive for her. She still dislikes going to IC, but she continues to go. I can see the changes, and our life is better the last 6 months than anytime I can remember. I work at fixing the things I can: my attitude, resentment and anger, my insecurity. Frankly, I am surprised, but pleased that FWW persists in attending IC and reading the box to address the issues that only she can fix to have a healthy emotional relationship.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
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Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-It's interesting that your WW and Ats' WW seem to have very similar issues and attitudes about men, marriage, sex, etc.
I think a helpful book for both you and Ats might be:Women, Sex, and Addiction-A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte Kasl.
I read that book when I was trying to figure out my husband's MOW....
( Yes, that's how obsessed I got about the LTA. I needed to knoweverything about the affair.... including what kind of woman is a serial cheater,and what kind of woman allows herself to be used like this?)
But, it might be a helpful book. I wonder if you will see any similarities to your wife in the book's description of female sex addicts (who, incidentally are very different from male sex addicts because often the women do not even LIKE sex! it's all about trying to regain the power. Often there was some kind of childhood trauma or abandonment.

Allgood and Strongish- Sorry to see that both of you seem to heading for D. The end of a long term marriage is never easy.

Laura- Good for you for finally getting all of the gory details out of your WH.
As hard as it is I think it is helpful in that you will finally feel like you 'know'.
You are no longer in the dark. You know all the nasty details.
Those details have been triggering for me over the years but overall I feel like it was better for me to know everything as opposed to feel as if I was still in the dark about what was going on in my marriage!

I know it may not feel this was but for me it would have been easier if there were multiple OW. This way I would not have wasted so much time fantasizing about the OW and giving her way too much importance. My husband insisted from day one that the OW meant NOTHING to him and that he never had any feelings for her. (I know Tryin.. that this always gets you going...) But, I do believe that men (and some women) do exist where sex is just sex and they do not have any romantic feelings for the affair partner.
I have turned this over and over in my head and in MC and IC for years now and I do finally believe my husband.
I think that when there are multiple affair partners it does at least show you that he was not invested in any of these women...they were basically interchangeable...he liked the rush of the affair... and he may have been addicted to that rush and that is why the behavior continued for years. But, it really didn't matter who the woman was...


Honest- sending out long distance hugs.

At this point where do you see yourself a year from now? 2 years from now?
would you want to still be in this house? with your husband paying the expenses, etc.?
do you see yourself working?
moving?
what do you think would happen to you and the kids if you filed for divorce?

do you really think that your WH would walk away from all of his financial responsibilities with your boys?
and if he did walk away because he was angry with you (because you did not accept the fact that he wanted to commit bigamy and have two wives and two families......).
OK..if he was angry after you filed for divorce what do you imagine would happen next? what do you think the scenario will be?
would he stop paying the mortgage? would your house go into foreclosure?
is there anywhere that you could live?
could your mother help out financially?how about other relatives?
Does anyone other than your sons know about the situation?
Maybe a friend or distant relative would be willing to help you out financially until you can get back on your feet. Juts hearing this story would be enough for anyone to realize that you need to get away from this man!
In NJ we have something called Homesharing. Typically, it's an older person (usually a widow) who has a big house and needs either some help around the house or some help to pay the property taxes etc. And often she wants to rent out rooms to a divorced mom with kids...so, there's no down payment that the renter has to pay, usually no lease, just month to month. And you share the kitchen etc.
many times the rent is very low because the renter helps out by doing some errands for the homeowner,etc.

There are options out there ...is there a Women's Center near you? They often have free advice for situations like yours. Often lawyers volunteer and/ or social workers from the community.

You may not feel like an abused wife because your WH is not physically abusive but IMHO he is emotionally and psychologically abusive.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW does not believe that good times can be sustained all (or most) the time. She believes that a bad time or event must follow any good time. Her natural response is to not have too much fun, and to back off if things get too good, to try to control emotions to a “middle of the road” neither too good nor too bad. The problem is that the limiter she puts on us emotionally starts the downward spiral she hopes to avoid.

Ats, I understand your wife's feelings. In the past, I often felt guilty if I was having a good time. It was like I waiting for someone to tell me I didn't deserve it, or how dare I have a good time when my mother was so unhappy? This dynamic is getting better with IC.

About having fantansies with other women? HEll NO! LOL.

I want to thank everyone for your input. I do have to do something. I have to get out of this Limbo.

NJgal: I am an only child. Only 3 first cousins, one uncle who I am not very close to. My father died 10 years ago and as you know, my mother is BPD with no money and she wants to move in with ME for me to take care of HER.

My neighbor scared me when she said that if I divorce, my sons would be very resentful to me that I put them in poverty. They would look at it like why I couldn't put up with the situation. (my younger sons)

It hit me very hard today that OW has been with WH more than I have over the past 10 years. When I was in the US visiting during the summer and Christmas, she had him all to herself for 2-3 months at a time. When I was overseas, WH saw her and me at the same time. I didn't have WH to myself, maybe a few weeks to a month every once in a while, and then he was calling her all the time.

What does this tell me?

I feel like I'm the OW in this sitch. Me and my kids are NOT his priority. He gets off the plane and his phone shows he calls her immediately on landing while I'm out there in the airport waiting for him. He calls me next to tell me he's landed. Even common sense would dictate that one would call the person who is waiting outside to pick you up first. When I confronted him, he says because she asks him to call. I said I did too once upon a time and he didn't....thus started last night's argument.

Anyway, sorry for venting. I really need to. I do need perspective and reality checks. I always end up giving others excuses to treat me badly.

Tomorrow is DS's 16th birthday. DS35 said he won't come to the house while WH is here.

I hate my life.

Tryn, I'm sorry, but I'm not moving away from my sons. I have very little family as it is.

Also, I would live in a cardboard box if it was just me. I would have left on DDay or kicked WH out. Matter of fact, I would have left way before that if it was just me. But it's not.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

My neighbor scared me when she said that if I divorce, my sons would be very resentful to me that I put them in poverty. They would look at it like why I couldn't put up with the situation. (my younger sons)

she is wrong..i think if your sons see you put up with what you are putting up with they will learn what they live....i don't believe that you want them to turn into husbands like their dad....your neighbor is projecting her own shit onto you....and poverty is a pretty strong statement...i lived in poverty growing up, trust me you won't be living like that...you are the type of woman who will do what it takes, of that i am certain...not to mention that your older sons will not allow their mother to live in squallor....so you do what you have to do....and it starts with you honest, you are the one who has to do something...

I do have to do something. I have to get out of this Limbo.

you are not in limbo dear heart, you are frozen with fear....you are letting your fears misguide you right now....use your fear to motivate you to go forward instead of staying in this very toxic relationship...


It hit me very hard today that OW has been with WH more than I have over the past 10 years

i know it hurts, but it is what it is, you cannot change it, you cannot fix this, you cannot live this way....each time you "see" something like this what does it tell you honest...im thinkin its tellin you to move on, kick his ass the hell out!!!thats what im thinkin it is tellin you....how much do you need? when will it be enough? when will you do what you have to do for yourself and YOUR BOYS?


and btw your older son not coming for his brother..he is wrong, and it sucks that he will let his brother pay the price for his issues with his brothers father...he needs to put aside his feelings and do whats right for his brother, his brother is only 16..still a child...i do understand though his need to stay away if he feels he cannot control himself temper wise...so if that is the case, he is right to stay away...


ats: not only has your wife progressed so much but so have you, i see it all the time in your posts, your perspective, your objectivity (most of the time) and your ability to "see" so much more then you did before...especially realizing that her issues have nothing to do with you...

on my end...we had some good new in the miracle house tonite...manchild was accepted into the college of his choice...so one hurdle down.. ...next hurdle...getting him graduated with all passing grades!!!


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats to manchild!! I bet you are so relieved to have an acceptance letter in hand!

Honest - You have come a long, long way in the past few months since I've "known" you here at SI. You are much more aware of WH's abusive behavior toward you. HE IS WRONG! There's no other way to say it...it is wrong to have two wives! End of story. You need to get away from this man that thinks that this is okay. It's not okay and you deserve so much better.

(((Honest)))


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