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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I have not posted in this forum in a long time, I was posting in general. I think you folks here understand the fall out of lta's and I think I will stop lurking here and start posting.

My wh has not stopped contact with mow. He has been in a pa with her when we were dating and says the pa stopped when we married but the ea continued. He said he would stop the conversations, he has said that multiple times. I confronted again last week. This time he said he understands that it is another betrayal and a new hurt when he has personal conversations.

We were on the brink of divorce in Dec, he actually asked for one and I agreed, then he said he wanted to work on the marriage. I want him to be congruent in his words and actions but have yet to see it.

Thanks for listening. I think I will hang out here if you don't mind. :) Happy Easter.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitz

it's a PA and has been the whole time. I'm 100% sure of that. Men almost never ask for a divorce without a backup plan.

What you need to do is get a PI and catch them.

I heard all this BS from my WH. And what I did to save the PI money was confront OW. If you act like your WH confessed the PA she'll confirm it. Because she is either stupid or under the impression that she and your WH are engaged. which they might be.

I am so sorry.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitz: welcome back...

first: of course you can hang out here...

second: a few questions...and some are hard ones

why are you still married to him if nc is not established?...

by nc not being in place he is basically having it all...

why do you believe its ea only?

the odds are so against that, to go from having sex with someone to not having sex and the no sex is not because you don't want to,...once you've been there, its not so easy not to go there again...

what is he doing right?

does mow bh know of the 'a'...if not you need to tell him,...it will hopefully be one way to stop contact..

why did he ask you for a divorce?

it almost sounds like he asked you for a divorce and changed his mind because since ow is married, she may not want to leave her husband...thereby your ws will stay, especially since he has the best of both worlds...and financially this probably suits him better...

i think that is enough for now...i dont want to scare you away...


ats: i think she needs to stay with her ic, she is doing so much introspection, if she is depressed, its because she is facing what she needs to face and unfortanately the ups and downs are a part of her journey, she needs to feel it all, face it all...it is the only way through...and the best thing you can do is NOT TAKE HER COMMENTS PERSONALLY....even though she may say she see's a monster in your face....the monster she see's is her own reflection...keep that in mind, please...and it might be helpful to talk to her ic yourself for a gage of where she is at....that also might help....the more shit she faces the closer she gets to the other side...and she's got lots of shit...sorry,


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Mitz.
I hate to have to agree with M33 but IMHO 99% of the time it turns out that EA was actually a PA.
Men just don't 'hang around' these OW for long without a payoff.
So..since its been going on for awhile and his asking for a D all point to a PA.
Is the OW married? does her BH know?
I called the MOWs BH right after d-day-and guess what? he already knew about the LTA. Had known for over 2 yrs but never called me or outted the LTA because he was just planning his exit strategy. This was not MOW's first affair-he had forgiven her before but now he was done.
I sure do wish that the BH had told me...
But, that's a whole other story.

Does your WH say he wants to stay married? Does he work with the OW?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mitz: Please stay and vent here.

I agree with the others, you need to OUT this to the MOW's BH. This secret relationship needs to be exposed.
It doesn't really matter if this is an EA or PA. I'm sure that if the of them were together and the opportunity was there, it would be a PA, whether or not it is once a year, once a month or even every few years.

You have a lot of decisions to make.

After almost 2 years of going through this horrible journey, I finally, finally realized deep down (even though intellectually I understood) that unless your WH is willing to go to MC or IC, true R cannot happen.

Your WH has been on the fence for years. There are times he said he wants to D you because you were not following his "rules" to be complacent or you were coming too close to the truth. Also, I think , like my WH, he may realize that this is not the thing to do and will D you and not lead you along. THEN, he doesn't want to give you up either.

It's CAKE EATING.

I'm sorry, but he does need both of you for himself.

Don't focus on HIM, but YOU now. Don't do what I did and put the power in HIM and what HE wants. Decide for yourself.

{{{{Mitz}}}}

Thank you, Miracle. I have been reading here. A lot of introspection.

One learns new info, thanks to the damn TT, and it takes time to digest that too. The new info I had posted, but it's just that I NEVER had WH to myself EVER. He NEVER was committed to me. And I guess to anyone else for that matter.

It hurts and it helps.

Funny thing, what is hurting is the discovery that he was seeing both his "former" gf (but was never "former") and me at the same time and perhaps through the beginning of our marriage. I do NOT blame her at all. She didn't know either.

You'll be happy to know, Miracle, I really starting to get MAD!!!

Sorry for the following vent:

So, WH was seeing both of us, and yet he wants to get married to me, buy a house. So what do I do? I leave my house, take my older ds's out of school, buy a house with WH. Then, after a year, I get pregnant and leave my job for HIM.

Not only did he have me change my life, but my DS's!!!

Yes, it was MY decision to do this, but I did it on good faith, and WH was still seeing the old gf and not committed to me!!! (of course I had no idea)

It's not like he was cheating on gf's he messed up my life and older DS's lives. Now he is messing up my life, olders Ds's, OUR ds's, the OW and the 3 OC's and he looking at another OW!! How much destruction does he have to do????

Sorry, vent over.

Now comes another hard process, one that I've been through before, but it doesn't make it any easier: D.

Allgood, thinking of you.

Ats, well, Miracle doesn't agree with me

I do agree that your FWW has worked so very very hard at all of this and so have you. You do love her very much. You have been supporting her like a hero, but you also need support. We are here for you.
Are you still in IC? Sometimes I see the co-dependency in you coming out again. I know I am going to follow NJgal's advice and join a co-depency group. Maybe this is something that you can look into: a group that are spouses of those who are recovering from abuse/emotional disorders etc?

Love to all

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

Ats, well, Miracle doesn't agree with me

well i didn't agree with the previous post, but i do agree with the new one..

as you all know i can be so disagreeable..


honest also about never having him to yourself...damn, damn and damn can i relate......it was never ever just me and him...worse he doesn't get that because she always existed it means he never really loved me....did he love me...yes but not the way you are supposed to love someone you choose to marry...if he did, she would never have existed, she would have disappeared....instead she was there, she was always there, in his heart, and she was there in my bed....when we had sex, it was her he called for...i just didn't realize it....now i know....

you know whats wonderful, there was a time, and i am sure that there will be again that here i am typing this hurtful hurtful devastating experience...and i am ok, i am not balling, i am not sniffling...I AM OK....a bit angry, but only a bit....I KNOW I WILL BE FINE...and honest so will you.....

you are on the next leg of your journey now...and yes i am happy that you are MAD, it will help propel you to where you need to be emotionally, you should be mad, what he did to you and your kids is reprehensible...so getting angry at it is healthy..process the anger so that you could finally finally let it all go....along with him, let it go...

you have processed alot of your pain, but in your processing the pain you took ownership of some of it which didn't belong to you...you were forever making and finding excuses and holding onto false hope....now your processes will be honest with yourself....as honest as you are you took on others faults...=...<honesttoafault>

i think joining the group will probably be very helpful...any group where you will be encouraged to voice yourself will be helpful, you've not had a voice in quite some time...its your time honest, your time to shine and shine you will....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest- I think joining a IRL support group would be a big help.

Miracle- Just sending you hugs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle:

did he love me...yes but not the way you are supposed to love someone you choose to marry.

I know. We all have/had this in different degrees.

Have a Happy Easter to all who are celebrating.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey honest and miracle - at least he didn't introduce you to them and have you take vacations together and be friends


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey M33

You are up late. Are you ok?

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, all! Popping in to wish everyone a happy Easter! And also to feed my SI habit for the day... love you guys!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning tribe....

i too would like to wish everyone a happy bunny day for the little one, and to just say that easter is all about renewal, new life....and that is my wish for all of you....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I'm fine. Paddy woke up in the middle of the night.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{M3}}}} Yes, you had a double betrayal and it's very hard to process. Not only do you have to process the betrayal from your WH, but also from someone who you thought was your friend.

{{{{M3}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helllooooooooo.......?

Where are y'all?

O. I know. I forget.
Some of you more responsible people are probably cooking, doing prep work for tomorrow, etc.

Hmmm. Now I feel like a slacker.

Aight.
Night folks.
Happy Easter.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i have to confess whenever i see one of your posts like the one above this...i SMILE....


happy easter again all...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

I must admit I do not know what to do with myself.

Of all days, the diva is still asleep, but as my eldest got up about 1 1/2 hrs ago (to play video games of course), I thought she'd be up "any minute".

So, I'm all "caffeined up" with nothing to do.

This usually means trouble. Lol.

God bless all of us that need to spend a lot of time with our in-laws today & may our spouses not piss us off or do anything stupid today.

Personally, my only goal for today is (M3 cover your eyes) get through church without having to curse at 1 of my kids...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Easter to the tribe.

We have discovered in our lives that reality came with a different plan. People are not always loving or loyal.

Pain and hurt comes when we are forced to to let go when we want to hold on... or we are forced to hold on when we want to let go.

We are powerless to control so many things. If you can somehow embrace and accept that stuff like this happens to everyone, understand it, and make that change needed to make yourself happy. I am living proof this can help you gain courage, compasson and wisdom to find real happiness.

Nothing is stopping us or preventing us from loving again. I hope many of you can end being afraid and begin being free.

Peace!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:27 AM, April 24th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring to the Tribe!

Spring is the time of new beginnings and wherever you are, I pray that you can feel renewal within yourself.

Love to all.

{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't know about new beginnings for me just yet, but definitely renewed in the knowledge that i married an idiot...

the day is young and i would love to stick a few eggs where the easter bunny would never tread....


instead of building up my anger i am here finding humor....and also renewed in my path.....

hope you'all are having a wonderful day, filled with good company, good food and maybe some booze...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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