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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

E-gad, Nell, I hear ya. You are hot & funny & a million other things that make you great. And he is a dumbass for not appreciating you.

Tryn: thanks for your pep talk.

I am bummed about the agreement. Bummed that there is little to no reaction from Nogood. After I signed the agreement today I sent him atext to tell him I did & that he was now free to pursue whatever it is that makes him happy. Childish, I know, but it's a huge improvement over what I wanted to say.
No response to that either.
I think this whole thing would have been far simpler had he not given me mixed messages. If he had just said, you know, for whatever reason, this isn't for me anymore, let's go our separate ways. But, don't tell me you love me, don't want this, etc. and act this way. I'm going to chalk it all up to the fact that he must just be too much of a coward to say it directly. His feelings are gone as they have been. He was into saving our marrige when it meant a lot of good things, like more date nights, more sex, etc., but once it got down to the nitty gritty, he just wasn't interested.

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i dont think he gave you mixed messages i think your expectations of him did not match and could not possibly match his intentions...

all along his intentions were defeatest and that you could not let it go was what he could not and would not deal with.....

from the getgo his tune stayed the same, he does love you the best he knows how, he does want the marriage he just doesn't want to do what it takes....so in his head its you ending it because he will not do it on your terms....he is quite stupid for so so many reasons as are many of our ws's....they have to be willing to meet the expectations we set forth after d-day because anything less will never work for us.....we may tolerate less for a while, but when we do we never find that safe happy place we long for.....


m3:

I guess what I want is to be compensated in some way -- but that's not possible.

no, its not possible, making amends for this is just not a realistic expectation or goal....having said that it does not mean that the perpertrator does not have to try anyways...this is not something that can be "made up" to someone, but the perpertrator still has to show remorse doing, showing action whilst if could never make it up, it helps find the forgiveness knowing that the perpertrator is truly sorry....because it means that on some level they "get" what they did...so it can't make it up to us but it can show us that they "know" what they have done...and again the amends, or restitution has to match the crime...


nell: you are hot...and he needs to work at the marriage, at being a better husband...


foo issues are as deep as they can be...rooted from birth...not easy to undo the damage if ever....and i am not sure that the damage ever gets undone, like the infidelity cannot be undone...but the issues caused from it need to be identified and dealt with on an emotional level, if they are not dealt with they will not be resolved resulting in more bad behavior coming forth....

ok, gots to go get scrawny boy from school now...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to chalk it all up to the fact that he must just be too much of a coward to say it directly. His feelings are gone as they have been. He was into saving our marrige when it meant a lot of good things, like more date nights, more sex, etc., but once it got down to the nitty gritty, he just wasn't interested

allgood, I think this is very insightful, and probably accurate.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW I had a meeting with a woman who makes everyone she comes into contact with feel genuinely GOOD about themselves and about her. And now I feel much better than I did before. And now I'm going home to walk the dog.

Namaste.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, who is this woman and how do I meet her?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Nell, I so agree with what you wrote....especially the part about not being attracted to FWH. How could anyone be attracted to someone that treated you so horribly?? That's how I feel anyway....

Crappy day today. Why? FWH got a call last night on his cell. He picks up the phone in the room next to where I'm watching the tube and enthusiastically greets the caller and says, "Are you just back from XYZ country?" (Same country OW lives in and where most of their meetings were) He says this as he's walking out of the house to talk outside in the back yard. I'm ashamed to say that I tried to hear what I could of the conversation, but I couldn't hear much. I did gather enough to guess that he was talking to another pilot friend, one that flies to same countries as FWH used to and where OW (flight attendant for same airline) is. So, I'm wondering....why does he need to go outside?

He finishes the conversation in the house but FWH never volunteers who is calling or what they're calling about. I stewed about it all night and this morning I asked FWH to explain to me who had called and why he felt the need to go outside to talk. He confirmed that it was his pilot friend and said that he went outside just to walk while talking (Actually this is a habit of his). He says he didn't even think how it would be a trigger for me to hear the country talked about or that I would wonder why he was going outside to talk. Honestly, and sadly, I think that that is true. He just doesn't think. He doesn't see the triggers unless they are pointed out to him. He genuinely feels bad afterward, but this is tearing me up.

The forgiveness book brought up a good point....Something along the lines of, when the WS holds themselves fully accountable for the transgression, then the BS will no longer feel like they have to. One aspect of this is for the WS to pay attention to what might be a trigger for the BS and address it before the BS even has a chance to. The fact that my FWH can't or doesn't do this makes me feel like my feelings are just not as important as the other things he is paying attention to. And while I was used to making excuses for that before DDay, I'm not so willing to now.

So, I had my meltdown but instead of feeling better I feel like it's hopeless. I want the numbness back!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To hell with meeting her. I want to BE her. (No goofy face here. I can't imagine a better legacy.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish... For me, I have learned in Retro to make sure if I don't feel right, don't feel good, to speak up. You did it. That is most important.

Now it is up to him to not do that kind of stuff again.

When or if he does it again, You stop him, and tell him how what he is doing make you feel. It makes you feel unsafe. If he continues, then for sure, he does not care about how you feel. Divorce the rat bastard.(A friend reminded me this week about those rat bastards)

Oh heck Nell, you're already the La Princesa de la Salsa!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:28 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: shit like that sucks monkey guts...i still trigger and need to talk myself down when pfm is talking on his cell phone which is all the fucking time....and i already know i no longer want the marriage...i hear that cell phone though and its like triggers on overdrive...i usually tend to get a bit testier with him at those times....yup i turn on my inner bitch.. and i love my inner bitch sometimes...she is my hero..


m3: have a very happy birthday tomorrow yung'in...36 feels like eons ago...i hope you gots some nice plans that include some pampering and being waited on...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday M3!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday M3


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 - Hope you can do something just for YOU today. Happy Birthday!!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday m334455,
Happy Birthday to You!

You are still young. FWW was 37 when we got married and started our family.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy happy birthday, m3!!!
XOXO


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! Some of you remembered my birthday before I did! I got up and bathed those babies, they were sort of sticky and smelly since I played with them last night instead of doing bath time, and it wasn't until they were all dressed and having their bottles that I remembered -- when nanny gave me chocolates and a gift card! WH gave me a wii game I asked for. I also bought myself 2 new dresses yesterday (made of T-shirt material, what an awesome invention for Moms! I look dressed up but really I'm wearing a T-shirt, how awesome is that?)

I had a meeting with my boss because I'm behind at work, and right before that I twisted my ankle in the hall and sprained my foot -- so it's a crazy day, but I am going to do something just for me, go home early and grill out because the weather here in DC has been fabulous. Usually spring goes from too cold to too hot overnight, so a few weeks of decent weather this time of year is a huge treat.

Hugs to the tribe! I'm going to finish up my work things and get in a little M3 time :)


Oh -- no fun:

I also feel like I've aged 10 years. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that woman who had self esteem, was confident, liked herself and liked the way she looked.

Near-instant fixes:
make sure your bra fits right.
make sure your pants fit right
heels
spanx
tanning bed
teeth whitening
highlights and the right haircut
pink lipstick
glamourous sunglasses
bangs
botox
mani-pedi
lasik
spider vein removal

medium term fixes
retin-A
endermologie
weight lifiting plus 25 mins of cardio 6 days a week
microdermabrasion
drinking lots of water
using lots of body lotion
exfoliation
eating better foods

long-term fixes
surgeries...

I have had plastic surgery once -- I broke my nose and had it changed a little (bump taken off) when it was being fixed.

I think miracle had a tummy tuck last year too.

my experience was positive overall, but not so positive that I wouldn't do every non-surgical thing first before considering it...

I think making extreme self care a priority after Dday is a great idea. it can be a hard habit to get into -- but if anyone has earned the right to become "high-maintenance" it's you :)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday M3!!

I'm sorry about your ankle! I hope it feels better soon.

Lol, I read your list and thought to myself "I have to do it all to look decent again!"

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then do it, lady!

My boss was very nice today. She said the important thing is that I'm actively getting help and working to get better. She also agreed with me that it takes time, it's not smart to rush into making any decisions and that my "extreme" reaction is not extreme considering the circumstances. It's not often a (then 34) year old woman finds out her husband has been involved in an affair for 20+ years. It just takes time.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I've gotta start making appointments to get some of m3's list taken care of. I've never been "high-maintenance" and I don't foresee getting any pleasure from this, but it has to be done and WH might as well pay for a big chunk of it.

Did I mention that WH invited me to a trainwreck last night (Lead topic: I am not meeting his need to call him repeatedly throughout the day and answer his calls immediately when he's bored at work to make him feel important and loved), and I decided that it would be good idea to not only join right in, but to wallow around in the mud and pigsh!t as long as I was there. Tired and cranky today, though I got quite a few zingers out and feel less ragey than I did yesterday at this time. But more eyerolly.

Oh, it was hours of fun. I just luuuurv talking to Mr. Nell. He's soooooooooo supportive and strong when it comes to my pain... not at all a defensive baby weiner ass-talker.

Let me explain... no, there is too much... let me sum up: At the end of it, Mr. Nell was boohoohoo-ing on me about how "I'm the best thing that ever happened to him" and I said, look, this is going to be hard work... what we're doing is NOT WORKING. (...pause while he tries to see if there's a way to make me backpedal or if it would be better just to agree, seeing as how I'm not giving him any actual work to do...) "Okay."

So this morning I called him per his needs. Then, receiving nothing in return, I texted him a compliment to myself. To which he responded with an eloquent version of "Yeah, right + i luv u + smiley-face emoticon." Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

Happy birthday. Take care of that ankle.

Now about that list. I will make sure my bra fits right but I am not changing to pink lipstick! I prefer darker colors.

Nell.

I know I am a day or so late but you are HOT. Smokin HOT!
Feel better now?

Gotta go.
Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip,

1. Thank you.

2. It's spring. Darker lip-colors should really be used only in the fall and winter.

(m3, worry not... this is not a pet peeve... I don't even know if it's true.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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