Maybe Retro is in order. One last ditch effort?
I don't follow exactly all that taught us because I have modified it to my own personality.
We meet our spouse, we both wear mask hiding what we think are our flaws, or for sure, one does. The years pass and we somehow do all the right things by staying married, having kids, taking jobs and living that "normal" life. We slowly erode what we had when we first met start to fall into not being desirable to each other. All marriages, all relationships, will go through periods when you just won't agree. So, how you react, how you communicate, how you act, how you approach the conflict is so important. How you commit to each other to being desirable. These are all things you can do after going to Retrou when you try.
You can learn to not communicating in an accusatory, judging, controlling, hurtful, punishing way, but by caring for each other enough listening, understanding, knowing your partners true feelings. The awareness you gain by going with all the others in the same situation gives you strength. You then make a choice to do everything within your current power to make that person have good feelings. Can you imagine your H listen to what you need, then actually doing it? I can tell you, it makes you feel good. It makes you happy.
It is impossible to know if your H will somehow be open to change meaning changing the way he treats you and communicates to you. But to give him this chance to try is a gift you won’t ever regret.
We know 80% of marriage work after going through Retrou.
It is amazing how I use my feelings at work too. It works!
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:56 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]
I do not see Retro as benefitting you and your H.
You know how strongly I feel this saved my marriage. I honestly beleive I would be D right now.
Some people are not good readers.
This would be like a firefighters training weekend. You just learn more. You are around others and that feeling of I am not alone helps.
Broken Souls can change with effort.
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:05 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]
A new start, a different way, a new partner in the next phase of life can be very rewarding.
Make is so!
I so wish you peace.
I'm accepting that I'm not seeing his signs of struggle akin to mine is because he was never fully invested in the marriage
I think that can be true of a lot of WS's and it's not because of the BS. It is something in the WS that they somehow can't or do invest to the best of thier ability, but it's not enough to maintain an emotional intimacy of mature love. If it's any consolation, I really believe WH loves you and like the rest of his behaviors, he's like a little boy who did something wrong and is accepting his punishment. He is just not capable of doing what he needs to do.
You are absolutely right, my emotional health is tied to s/d with WH. "A leap of faith" is a very good way to put it. Thank you.
Strong and Nell, big hugs to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Nofun: Cards and flowers an apology for what? For saying it was over? I agree with Tryn, that Retrou may be in order now.
If you both go in with the feeling that you are going to try your best, I truly feel that YOU will know deep down that you did everything humanly possible to save your M no matter what the outcome.
I think your WH is emotionally constipated and doesn't know how to express his love, hurt, anger, happiness.
Miracle: Thank you for sharing those song lyrics, they are great. I'm glad you are still letting go of your anger, but I sense that you are starting to come to more of an acceptance stage and more peace within.
I think this is more common than not in a WS, an intimacy issue that prevents full commitment to the M and other person. FWW always had one foot out the door, or put another way, wore an emotional body condom (both examples her words). To her, full emotional commitment would mean losing herself.
Even my WH alluded to the last sentence above. I believe you are absolutely right about many WS's not fully committing and it's not because they don't love us enough. I think for a lot of BS's and I feel many here on LTA, we just don't understand that. WE invested fully and without conviction to our Spouses. We weren't afraid of losing ourselves in the process, but somehow they are.
You know, this may be related to something my WH used to say about the idea of infinity and forever. When discussing how big the universe is or "infinite" or the concept of life after death or heaven as being "forever" he said those concepts scare him. He was afraid of that. I didn't understand at the time why, because it didn't bother me at all.
I think this fear is connected. Something to think about.
Ats, you are right, I have to move forward more and more. My own fear of completely losing WH has kept me in one place. It's time to lift anchor.
i hate him....i hate that he a world class liar.....
We are here for you. Vent away, please.
You're thinking deeply! And in the right direction. Good stuff.
I'm so glad things have improved. I think your dips on the rollercoaster aren't quite so scary now and that's good. Right?
I spent some time trying to come up with a plan to attend a Retro (as Mr. Nell was able to experience a wee little breakthrough in what I may have been feeling for several years now). There's one several hundred miles from us, which means that I would have to play an intense game of who-can-stay-with-the-Boyos just to go for that weekend, and then do without any followup stuff. Whatever I find for us to attend will be a giant pain in the ass logistically but necessary. I guess. *sigh* *grumble*
I'm so sorry Mr. No is being such a stubborn ass. What is he SO AFRAID of? Criminy. Give us your mailing address and we can all send him some big-girl panties to borrow.
You really do sound so much better since you made your decision. Yay for you!
I'm kicking ass today; gonna get back to it. Ciao!
I am impressed how infrequently this is occurs for you given your situation.
We're here for you!
Hugs to you mother hen. Let everybody know what you need. At least vent.
The black and white thinking usually does cover all things. It does here at my house. Everything can be negative which can really make you wonder just what you did to cause that mind set. They know they should not always look at things this way. They just can't stop from doing it. It is ingrained in them.
Did I read that you thought UKgirl and Dip were on vacation together? I can assure you that we are not. She would not go with me.
I have been trying to keep up with everybody but I am short on time.
Hugs to the tribe.
It's funny that you just checked in because I was just about to accuse you & UKGirl of defecting to some alternate infidelity site.
Ok, then UKGirl..... where are you?!?
And, Miracle, of course, big hugs to you.
It is ok to say you can't do it anymore. Your kids would be ok. In fact, a strong argument could be made that during these pivotal years, maybe a little less pfm would not be a bad thing...
It's too hard. These things are just going to keep happening when the men are who they are and are not changing.
tomorrow is another day and tomorrow i will be back even if it means i have to take some drastic measure...
nite tribe, and thanks for all the hugs, they mean more then i can ever say...
Hoping tomorrow will bring a better day for you!
we can all send him some big-girl panties to borrow.
I am picturing these panties coming to my house...lot of them!!! Nell I needed that laugh!
Allgood - if you think your confused, try living in my house. Oh wait...you have your own confusing issues going on over there. Yes, H apologized for saying "it's over"...oh my....it's not really what he meant....he does not want a D. He's actually driving me crazy. I've been holding off on smoking the whacky weed but I really think tonight it may be in order...
Tryn and Honest - I have to muster up the courage to go to Retro...I'm nervous about it.
I have been sharing some with old_dipstick, there is a lot of insight there. One reality that hit me is I realize I am better off than many in LTA, but regardless, this is shitty monkey crap to work through.
I know that I am better off than most in LTA, but I appreciate being able to process my shallow crap along with all of the deep issues. Compared to my FWW who is trying, I cannot imagine resolving my issues with a less than engaged FWS.
This is tough shit to work through.
Thank you to Strongish, IamNellNow, honesttoafault, bjgal480, Zlsura28, iwam, allgood amesgone, old_dipstick, deep purple, and all the others who have patiently been here for me.
Yes, I too was nervous about going to Retrou. It is a long weekend but very interesting. You listen to real stories about other couples. Both sides. Infidelity was involved in all but one. They demonstrate how to share feelings. Everyone was so nice and none of us, not once, talked about each others problems.
I hope you go.
Iwant.. I do exactly the same thing! I run! But I drink a glass of wine to slow me down.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:25 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]
having a really really bad day....i cannot go into it....i just want the pain to go away...
i hate him....i hate that he a world class liar.....
I am sending you strength and lots of love!!
The path you have chosen is so very hard and you have traveled it with grace and optimism... but maybe it's time to take a new road!!
You have been doing this for your children, and that is admirable... but I think that the time has come for you to do for you! Your kids will thank you for it, because if you think the don't know your struggle, then think again! They need to also learn that once you have tried to the best of your ability then it's time to cut your losses and move on and away from the pain.
My heart is heavy for you and your spirit needs some sunshine and happiness...
Wishing I could give you a hug IRL, but you know how to reach me--- so if you need to rant or talk or cry, then please do!!
I LOVE YOU!!
[This message edited by lovinlife at 7:51 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
I signed my Mom up for this a few years back. She was the 2nd Mom.
Mom loved it. Partially because she has MS but I didn't put it in her bio -- so she said it was nice to be treated "normal" again for a change.
Anyway, just made me think of this.