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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh -- and I can't believe UKG and Dip are cheating on us!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

I can't belive it either. I don't know what I was thinking, Its complicated, I can't remember, I forget, and I did not think anyone would care........


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip -


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...but you never meant to hurt us.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sick and crazy.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also... "It just happened"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't mean it and you're the luuuurrrrv of my life...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. it is time to get over it. You know all you need to know. The past is the past. We need to move forward. I am sorry and I probably won't do it again.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, look at that, dip! We're all healed up!

I've got a rockin' visual going on in my head. Too bad I don't have the skillz for marzipan-type videos.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Gators Gators!

(((((((miracle)))))))

LOve

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i love you guys...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right back atcha, Miracle!
(((miracle)))


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me too.

Ok -- ask for Retrouvaille or D? I'm at the end of my rope. Trying to R fills me with a level of self-loathing that is difficult to describe.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

Trying to R fills me with a level of self-loathing that is difficult to describe

then why m3, why???



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As my Dad would say, fra-zactly.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to R fills me with a level of self-loathing that is difficult to describe.

I think it's because it goes against all logical or rational thought and yielding to one's emotions, makes one feel weak.

NOT trying to be offensive AT ALL. But, I've felt the same way & I believe this is the inner-dialogue that leads to this kind of self-loathing.

And, of course, we all know I was dealing with the highly resistant to change type of WS. I might not have felt that way if I saw real commitment post DDay to saving the marriage.



Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to R fills me with a level of self-loathing that is difficult to describe.
Ahhhh.....this was one of the subjects of my IC today. I read on another forum about someone that thinks that they are actually hoping that their WS will do something bad that will make the decision to D a slam dunk. I have to say that it started me thinking....Is that what I'm doing?? In some ways, yes, yes I am. The burden of making such a decision, a decision that goes against the vows that I took, is tremendous and I think part of what I am struggling with. In so many ways it would be easier if FWH had made the decision for me by breaking NC, refusing to go to MC or something like that. Instead, the burden falls to me to decide the fate of our M. That is quite a heavy load for anyone to have to shoulder.

This is one of the things that I plan to focus on during my week-long workshop/retreat. I have been told that it is like have a years worth of counseeling in one week and that by the end of the time there, I will be mentally and emotionally exhausted. But....my IC showed me the form that the workshop had sent to her asking for her input into my sich. I'm pleased that everyone is talking to everyone. I can certainly use all the help I can get!

ats - You are welcome. The Tribe has come to mean so much to me. The selfless support by so many that are hurting themselves is humbling. And hearing the everyone else's stories make me feel like I'm not so alone. The Tribe has had my back when FWH hasn't and I can't imagine how much more painful this journey would be without this group in my life. You are going to be okay. No matter what happens with you and FWW, you are going to be okay. You're too strong not to be!

Miracle - Good to see that you have come up for air. My heart is hurting for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace this afternoon.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciling after a LTA is very difficult because it goes against everything we believed in terms of how we would or should react!

Never in a million years would I have believed that my husband could have had a LTA and never in a million years would I have predicted that I would reconcile after a LTA.

I struggled with that every day for years and years after d-day.

I used to have real black and white thinking about the world.
Things were either right or wrong. And... if you did wrong then there should be consequences.

Well, life isn't black and white...it's mostly a gray area.

And...until you have walked in someone else's shoes then you really have no idea what they are going through.

I was totally unprepared for a husband that had a LTA but was devastated at the thought of losing me.
Who knew that was possible?
I assumed that if someone was involved in a LTA that meant they were 'in love' with the OP....well, I come to find out that is not always true.
My other assumption was that if you were involved in a LTA that meant you wanted out of your marriage.
Well... I find out that is also not always the case!

My husband did not want a divorce. Even after I kicked him out and exposed the LTA to everyone he wanted to save the marriage.
He had the chance to leave, go to the OW,start a new life, avoid dealing with the aftermath of the LTA, drink as much as he wanted to without me nagging him about it...and yet..he did not want to do this.

Our children were older...the youngest just graduated from college and was out of the house....so he did not have to stay for the kids.

Financially we were in a good place and he could have afforded to live on his quite comfortably ( we had been maintaining two households for 6 months already).

But, he did not want to be single again.

Go figure.

The one thing that I know for sure is that reconciling after a LTA is NOT easy...but, if you can get through it... your marriage can survive and even thrive.

Ats- Just wanted to say thank you for all the times that you were there for me also!

hugs to all



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Quote]Trying to R fills me with a level of self-loathing that is difficult to describe.

m334455, do you feel like you are trying harder than your FWS? Lots harder? Maybe that is the source of the loathing. I too feel at times as I am betraying myself in staying, and this is with a FWS who is doing her best. I think it is important that the FWS demonstrate through actions beyond no longer dating OP, how they will be different. How the M can be better. This gives the BS a reason to take the risk again with a person who has proven what they are capable of.

And we guys love you too iwam


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: I hope the workshop helps you. It certainly sounds encouraging. And, I understand COMPLETELY what you mean about the burden of making the decision. It is just that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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