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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell -

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Congratulations!! What wonderful news. Now you need to go on a second honeymoon to celebrate!!!

Nell: It's great that you are giving yourself those affirmations! I wish Mr. Nell would learn his puppy training!!

Strongish: I'm glad that the Botox and fillers (what is that?) worked well. Good luck on your retreat. I hope it helps you in steering your course for a brighter future.

Nofun: Please give us an update with Mr. Nofun and let us know what is going on. Are you still considering Retrou?

Allgood: You sound good. Your WH is still the little boy playing with his friends. He gets me soooo angry. He is so much like my first xWH was in the M, but then again, I hope that he is like my first xWH as being a responsible xH with payments and seeing the kids, being cooperative, etc. I think you understand what I'm saying.

M3: keep venting here. We are here to help you. Journaling helps with the anger and so is beating up the bed, seriously.

Miracle: I'm glad that you are feeling a little better today. Hang in there and keep venting here.

NJgal: So, you were on the bad list with your Mom all these years? My mother can change who is on the bad list very easily. I would call it "DS" bashing or honest bashing, etc. where we could do nothing right. I hope you can find some peace this Mother's Day.

Dip: LOL, it is ALWAYS about my mother whenever she comes to visit, not just because it's Mother's Day and her birthday. Now, my oldest DS is 35 and I don't remember ever having a Mother's Day for ME, it was always about HER. Oh well, that's ok, as long as I survive the weekend.

Laura: I hope your sessions are going well. Ats had a picture of a Marshmallow Peep in the "Peep-a-tini" pic. It's the odd looking yellow blob in the martini glass. It's a marshmallow candy shaped somewhat like a chick..."Peep" for the chick sound, traditionally yellow, although they have been making them in different pastel colors recently and different shapes like bunnies. Pure sugar.
LOL, aren't you sorry you asked?

Hi Ats, hope you are having a good week.

{{{DP}}} let us know how you are.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:24 PM, May 5th (Thursday)]

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omfg....i feel like i did in the beginning....he is now following me trying to explain, shifting some blame....and all around asshole

this part of a 4some of them that meet on the train...but this one woman is the only one who knows everything...because the poor bastard has noone to listen to him

maybe they are all fucking tired of telling you what to do and all you fucking do is the same shit....they are tired of hearing your one buys your stories anymore....not a fucking soul sees it your why...why the fuck would that be...not even your therapist sees your point of view....give me a fucking break....

i know he was grooming her, i know he is hungry for the fucking affirmations...but what he is not hungry for and never was is our marriage....

so now he wants to know what if he does do it all right..what if he does do everything on the fucking list....i cannot take this much more....i feel it coming to a head

tonite dd came to me and offered to take money out of her bank to send me on a cruise to alaska...

damn hes knocking at the fucking door again..leave me the fuck alone..

ok..anyways...she wants to send me to alaska for mothers the course of the convo i tell her to wait till she is making lots of dough being a teacher in our neighborhood (they make enormous amounts of money..most over $100,000)....i told her that when she is teaching here i won't care what the teachers make because i will most likely not be living here....

later on..pfm: you are planning on not living in this house anymore

me: why will you let me keep the house

him: i dont understand, i want us to live here forever

me: no i want out of the marriage and will you let me keep the house and that will tell you whether or not i will be living here...

pfm: " "

he is insisting that he had all intentions of telling me about this woman, but one day led to a week then weeks and then months...

he claims it is just friendship after all why would i tell you about it so we could go see her boyfriend race

me: well maybe because you thought this would please her since she asked....

it went on and on and on and on...and i am pretty sure my kids heard a lot of it...i kept telling him convo over andpointed to where our kids were...dd coming down stair, in the next room...wherever and he would not let up...

finally i told him a little bit ago that we need to get through manchild graduation at the very least, i would like to stick it out longer if we can, but at least through his graduation..and if he didn't shut up and leave me alone that might be the end of it allgood i might just be with you in the summer...

damn him..i knew it was going too easy lately....he was detaching from me and it made life easier....of course it was because he was attaching to this new woman....but he does not see that either...

and he thinks he came clean about this woman..meanwhile i know things concerning this that he has not come clean on....he wants a sit down with me, him his therapist and my therapist...this man is insane...totally insane...

thank god for going out tomorrow....

oh and when i told him he is living with secrets like he always did...his response

"well dont you have secrets"

i never claimed to be working on the marriage...whether or not i have secrets is not the fucking issue...blameshift much...


so much for feeling better today...

at least my day with my little charge was filled with joy, otherwise i think i would be on the evening news....

yup i still wish him dead!!!

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ YourNellNow
I loved your take on two grown men texting all night!

Honest, focus on how you are acting, how you are feeling, what you are saying, not your Mother. The BPD makes a poor mirror to judge a relationship by, but I know you know that.

FWW and I are flying out of state for her older DD's graduation as a nurse. This is the DD that despises me. FWW's xH will be there too. FWW's x, his wife, younger DD and younger DD's boyfriend are all staying with older DD and her fiance in their small house. Older DD is like FWW and stresses with company. She is sick with all of them there. For tomorrow night while we are there, we are paying for hotel rooms where we are staying for each of the DD's and their boyfriends.

FWW actually wanted to meditate with me tonight. She went 10 minutes was very restless, but said it calmed her tachycardia

I am focusing on the present and presenting the person I want to be this weekend. I am trying to set aside the awful things older DD has screamed at me, and that her fiance has hit her during a fight. Did I mention FWW's xH, despite being married again is a closet gay? Ironically he preaches against homosexuality in his church. I really married into a fucking nuthouse.

On the positive side, I am seeing small whisps of responsibility and maturity from my older DS, and he is being pleasant to me.

Hugs Tribe, and m334455; what is it you want and need? Is your anger realization your H cannot deliver what you need?

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry for the craziness you are putting up with.

Take deep breaths. Maybe take a hot shower or bath to relax and a xanax.

Damn damn damn!!!

It just kills me because pfm has been on SI, I would assume he has read the Healing Library, SERjr's posts, etc etc. He should know what a slippery slope is!!! Geez!!!

If these WS's want to see someone else, then leave and then do it!!! WHY can't they understand this??????

Ats: Your advice looks good, but I really don't know what you mean by a "mirror" for a good relationship.

It seems like you will be having an interesting weekend with the graduation. Your fWW's xH sounds like a real winner!! WOW.

Good your DS is coming around. I'm sure he sees that you and his mother are trying to make strides to fix the marriage.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, I just meant that you cannot rely on feedback from the BPD trait person to evaluate how you are managing an emotional situation. The person with BPD traits is do bad at understanding and processing emotions that they provide a poor mirror to determine how you are doing.

Has anyone else noticed that their FWS seems to snore a lot more since dday?

Sigh, prolapsed uterus, angina, taxycardia, weight gain; she does not admit she was happier during her A's, but she was certainly healthier.

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm ok for the moment but loathing mothers day. Ive had the kids buy her gifts but Im not giving her anything as in my eyes I no longer respect her as a mother -
I havent bought flowers for at least a month & mothers day will be the last time she gets Sunday breakfast in bed. Thats 12 months of sunday breakfast in bed. Realised 2day that its 12 months since she got pregnant

I'll be pretty pissed & I know the kids will be upset if she goes out sunday afternoon - if she does i will not hold my tongue.

Job wise - Ive about a dozen job ads on the go so hopefully something will come to fruition soon. TRaining twice a day - 2.5km swim this morning & a 5 k run tonite.Getting some nice comments on my weight loss & how good i look - WW gets talked about behind her back how sickly she looks with her weight loss & the inappropriate new wardrobe.

Miracle- heres the baseball bat - ladies line up you can all take a free swing @ Mr no Miracle.

Ladies of the tribe - have a wonderful Mothers Day.

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Good luck, honey. I hope you can detach and see your mother's behaviors as completely separate and unrelated to you. I know it will be difficult for you, because you will want to be A Good Daughter. But perhaps the 180 rules apply here, too?

GOOD LUCK on what looks like it will be a stressful situation for you and FWW. I would suspect she will have a hard time until she sees her IC next. Are you ready for that? Sounds like you have a plan; that's great!

Can you send WW and the kids somewhere together on Sunday that will be fun for them? Or just make yourself scarce and force her to be a mother on Mother's Day? Or not. I don't know... whatever would be best for the kiddos. Good luck and hard 180.

Hugs to all. Off to get my day started!

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey iwant... I hope you strength. I can only imagine all your feelings right now. I want to give you some encouragement. I encourage you to change your life.

I was reading the other day about a study shows the habits that have been correlated with happiness

Pleasure Make the effort to enjoy the things you love. A hot tub, Botox, an ice cream sandwich!
Engagement - Those power walks, join more groups of some kind. DP did the cooking thing. The absorption of an enjoyed yet challenging activity.
Relationships Find and develop relationships with people that want to make you happy! People that do not want to hurt you.
Meaning - You do this here. You are so encouraging here at SI. You are teaching your kids to be good people. Build on your meaning in life. A perceived quest or belonging to something bigger.
Accomplishments This would be doing something successful. Run a marathon, go find work that give you great satisfaction. Having realized tangible goals.

ats.. Im sure her depression is some reason for her not taking care of her body. Can you do things that help pull herself out? Meditate sounds like it. I honestly beleive I am pulling my W out of hers. How, doing fun things, loving her and allowing the little things slide again. As for her family, you don't have to be in relationships with them. Just be nice and make choice not to be around them. That is what you do right? You seem healthy to me.

Nell.. You are about as witty as anyone I have come into contact with! lol

Peace out.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:12 AM, May 6th (Friday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Sorry for the ongoing drama. As to the house - well, it sounds awesome, but I've never understood why so many women are so concerned with getting the house, with it being 2nd only to custody. Generally, you can stay there til your youngest finishes college, then you either buy him out (by taking out a new mortgage/refinancing to pay off his share) or sell it.
If you can swing it financially, that's great, but I've never understood women who were willing to trade retirement assets to keep the house. Once your kids are out, you could probably get your own place, with no pfm memories and truly start over. Yes, the memories associated with the home & your kids would be just that, but it would be more of a fresh start. And, as you don't have to be concerned with school district, you could probably afford it more easily once your home is sold.
That's really the oversimplified version, but my point is not to get hung up on the house.

As for me, I broke my poker face this am, thought he looked sad yesterday, but he said he didn't want to talk. I texted him this am asking if he was ok. He said he was fine. Then, I told him that I was sad. He replied that he was too, nothing to be happy about.

So, I'm basically ok, but I'm far from good. I'll get there tho.

Alright, got to go worry about other people's marital woes now.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
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Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to wish all you mothers a happy mothers day. I hope you can find some peace and that you get to enjoy your children.


It sounds like much stress is on the way. You know it is coming so be ready.


Hang in there and take care of those kids. You do a good job.


The choc-chip cookies after the carrotts did help. Still not as good as the peeps.


Good luck this weekend.


Damn. It seems like he is just trying to fuck up. I hope you can figure out a way to get better about all this. I hate to say this but you may need to think about yourself just a little bit more.

Hugs to the tribe.

Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A

Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanx peeps once again..

tryn loved everything you advised...already do it all so thank you for affirming my plan of action

right now i am feeling better in contact is the first factor, looking forward to going out with good friends tonite is a second and the last...i just got back from a back, hand and foot massage...close to 3 hours later and i feel relaxed...yay...

just in case anyone will not be checking in over the weekend...happy mom's day...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, thanks for the support!

Oh, miracle, I am so sorry about pfm...

Allgood, I have to agree about the house. I want this house like I want a hole in the head. Then again, I moved a lot as a kid so I already know any house can be a home.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of houses...I tend to get very attached. We built this house 25 years ago, my kids grew up here.

Now...I want nothing more to do with this house. I call it the bad marriage house.

In fact, the last month I've been cleaning it out. We are having a neighborhood yard sale. You name it, it's now out in the garage.

I can't wait to unload and start over. It's like cleansing your soul. Out with the old, in with the new.

I'll take the pension please!!!!

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

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Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your kind words about surviving Mother's Day with my Mom. It's so hard, because she is not a bad person, she really means well, and at heart is a good person. I really believe she'll go straight to heaven, BUT, because of her emotional issues that she cannot control and I've grown up with, and was conditioned to.....well it's a toxic mix.

It's the basic problem of getting involved with the details and not seeing the whole picture KWIM?

Nofun: I've been trying to gather things together too for a garage sale. It's good to purge. My oldest DS has been helping me go through a lot of stuff in the garage and basement. Granted, a lot of stuff isn't even mine but his and his brother's and who knows who else....but it's good to purge.

I also have trouble with putting sentimental value to things. WH was telling me he was trying to rent the house overseas and the former tenant redid our master bathroom that I spent so much time designing and picking out tiles, etc. I don't know why it bothers me so much. This was a dream bathroom that you would see in a magazine, but OW was in there. When cleaning the tub one day, I found her hair in the drain. <sigh>

Anyway, it is hard sometimes to let go of things that I've attached sentimental value to, but I have to remember they are only things.

Love to everyone.

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Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just a small update:

i had a great time last nite....nothing like having a nite out...

hugs to all....strong i never got to wish you all the best on your journey....i will keep you in my prayers this week for your journey...

happy moms day tomorrow!!!

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mother's Day to all! Hope you have a wonderful day.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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