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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Before You Say Reconcile...
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
SuspiciousWife
♀ Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping so this doesn't fall off the front page.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
ariadne98
♀ New Member
Member # 36154
Concerned  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this speaks volumes. Thank you for posting. Now I am sure where he is at, although innately I already knew.

My worry is that he won't move past this- which will be hard to take even if this ends.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FL
pmal64
♀ Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 576 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This needs to stay on the front page!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LILTOwner
♂ New Member
Member # 36194
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question regarding your list- sharing of passwords etc.

My wife's passwords have been very simple ones so after 25 years I know them to her phone log in, Facebook, etc. When I found out about the ONS, I became extremely focused on digging into her past. Read all textmessages, logged into her FB daily, tracked tracked her phone, checked her phone records online, etc.

Counselor encouraged me to back off for now- not go there. Yet I found myself hacking into her life everyday. Finally, this morning I asked her to change the passwords so that i could regain my sanity. Did I screw up? Should I ask her to share that info with me? Maybe wait until I'm not so much of an emotional/mental wreck?

Thoughts?


D-Day- 7/16/12
Wife WS- 43
Me- 42
Two kids- 25/21 living out of the house
POS OM- 28 OUCH!!!!!!!!!

Counseling Sessions- 1 joint, 1 individual sessions for both

Progress must be felt and seen by October or BYE BYE!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Long Island, NY
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LILTOwner.

Don't ever look at it like you screwed up - this is a work in progress and we learn as we go.

It IS probably a good idea to dial the investigating back at a point, but I've also observed that it's a natural part of the process, and that you will slow your roll in time.

It's a good trust building exercise for both you and WW that you have complete access to her correspondences. For that matter, I think that both spouses should allow access to all email, social networking, etc. This is a sensitive topic and there are some who may disagree with me, but in the end aren't we all trying to build healthier marriages, and should therefore practice transparency as well as request it? Perhaps this is more applicable to the relationship in R. It's your choice for sure.

Bottom line recommendation? Tell her that you would like to look at having access to her accounts as a gesture from her that she has nothing to hide, and you will in turn work on dialing back the investigations each day to preserve your sanity. (Perhaps pick 2 specific times a day to do it, for example.) The compulsion to do it will subside. At almost 2 years out, I still "verify" from time to time, but not so much that it makes me crazy. And I appreciate the heck out of FWH for being an open book.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Poster thoughts a very validating for me.


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BadumpBump.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
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