SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Before You Say Reconcile...
Bumping so this doesn't fall off the front page.
Wow, this speaks volumes. Thank you for posting. Now I am sure where he is at, although innately I already knew.
My worry is that he won't move past this- which will be hard to take even if this ends.
This needs to stay on the front page!
Question regarding your list- sharing of passwords etc.
My wife's passwords have been very simple ones so after 25 years I know them to her phone log in, Facebook, etc. When I found out about the ONS, I became extremely focused on digging into her past. Read all textmessages, logged into her FB daily, tracked tracked her phone, checked her phone records online, etc.
Counselor encouraged me to back off for now- not go there. Yet I found myself hacking into her life everyday. Finally, this morning I asked her to change the passwords so that i could regain my sanity. Did I screw up? Should I ask her to share that info with me? Maybe wait until I'm not so much of an emotional/mental wreck?
Don't ever look at it like you screwed up - this is a work in progress and we learn as we go.
It IS probably a good idea to dial the investigating back at a point, but I've also observed that it's a natural part of the process, and that you will slow your roll in time.
It's a good trust building exercise for both you and WW that you have complete access to her correspondences. For that matter, I think that both spouses should allow access to all email, social networking, etc. This is a sensitive topic and there are some who may disagree with me, but in the end aren't we all trying to build healthier marriages, and should therefore practice transparency as well as request it? Perhaps this is more applicable to the relationship in R. It's your choice for sure.
Bottom line recommendation? Tell her that you would like to look at having access to her accounts as a gesture from her that she has nothing to hide, and you will in turn work on dialing back the investigations each day to preserve your sanity. (Perhaps pick 2 specific times a day to do it, for example.) The compulsion to do it will subside. At almost 2 years out, I still "verify" from time to time, but not so much that it makes me crazy. And I appreciate the heck out of FWH for being an open book.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]
Thanks. Poster thoughts a very validating for me.