Thanks for this great advice. I am going back and forth myself between S/D and R. Right now my WW is probably 80% on the rug-sweeping side, and I need to remember that. She is reaching out to me in other ways, hoping to move forward, but she doens't want to address the A anymore.
the typical time to recovery from an A is 2-5 years, and many people take longer.
we are less than 3 months post D-Day, and although some days I think about leaving, I also try hard to remember that I have to give myself time to heal.
At 3 months, FWH was very much in rugsweeping mode. We did end up in R, but if you look at my profile you'll see that we took a very winding road to get there.
I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker. The general advice here is to stay if you want to R, but that didn't work for me. I was dying every day that I continued to live with him. It was only after I picked myself up and focused on healing myself, regardless of what happened to my M, that things started to get better.
Don't accept anything less than what you know you need. And please don't think leaving means R is off the table.
I've followed your story, and it looks like you have a very clear understanding of what you need. Hold strong and don't lose sight of that.
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker.
Did you take your son with you? We have three, and it would not be possible for me to take them with me, practically, legally or otherwise. That is what is preventing me from leaving at this time (and that my WW is having some troubles coping - actually my dime store diagnosis is that we're both depressed).
The general advice here is to stay if you want to R
And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer". I am thinking that I will work on IC, de-escalating the tension a bit around here, allowing for some tentaitve re-connection and positivity, and then re-assess in a month or so. If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".
And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer
That's the advice I give. I see no benefit in creating the illusion that you are willing to rugsweep. It prevents your WS from facing herself and digging deep, and it comes at too great a cost to your mental health.
If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".
You get it. I truly hope that your WW will begin to get it too- not just for the sake of your M, but for her sake and your children.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 7:51 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]
There was a big development today which I will post later after the kids r in bed.
But he doesn't get the pain, the torture....how much I have been devastated and broken into pieces.
I wonder what he would say if I gave him that post. At this point, it wouldn't do ANY harm.
rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth.
He has just started IC so I will wait a while longer to see if he will ever own his shit and show remorse.
God's hand was an avocado branch
together: 13 yrs
M 2 1/2 yrs
A & OW - not sure how long?? no answers given
He is only 50% there, the guilt and remorse and being honest. So honest it hurts. He is in a deep fog and seeing it hurts the most.
I am still keeping up the 180 but we have to have contact because of household stuff and our business. I send him a text and sometimes he replies.
I know I need to give this time and that is not my virtue, patience. I am starting therapy today with a Psycologist and sadly the sleep aid did not work, up at 3 am as usual. But at least today I don't feel as physically horrible.
Off to buy ensure because this 20 pound weight loss now makes me too skinny. Have to buy some new clothes today too so I have something that fits and does not slide off.
[This message edited by cobraadvice at 11:46 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]