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Before You Say Reconcile...

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Feb 8, 2011 posted 5/2/2011 09:32 AM

Fighting to Survive,

Thanks for this great advice. I am going back and forth myself between S/D and R. Right now my WW is probably 80% on the rug-sweeping side, and I need to remember that. She is reaching out to me in other ways, hoping to move forward, but she doens't want to address the A anymore.

the typical time to recovery from an A is 2-5 years, and many people take longer.

we are less than 3 months post D-Day, and although some days I think about leaving, I also try hard to remember that I have to give myself time to heal.

Fighting2Survive posted 5/2/2011 09:41 AM

(((Feb 8, 2011)))

At 3 months, FWH was very much in rugsweeping mode. We did end up in R, but if you look at my profile you'll see that we took a very winding road to get there.

we are less than 3 months post D-Day, and although some days I think about leaving, I also try hard to remember that I have to give myself time to heal.

I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker. The general advice here is to stay if you want to R, but that didn't work for me. I was dying every day that I continued to live with him. It was only after I picked myself up and focused on healing myself, regardless of what happened to my M, that things started to get better.

Don't accept anything less than what you know you need. And please don't think leaving means R is off the table.

I've followed your story, and it looks like you have a very clear understanding of what you need. Hold strong and don't lose sight of that.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/2/2011 09:57 AM

Well done! I will be cutting and pasting it.

Brokeninside1592 posted 5/2/2011 11:53 AM

This is great. It kinda makes me sad to read it though. It makes me think hard about the fact that my WH is still showing no remorse. Maybe he never will.

Feb 8, 2011 posted 5/2/2011 12:36 PM

I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker.

Did you take your son with you? We have three, and it would not be possible for me to take them with me, practically, legally or otherwise. That is what is preventing me from leaving at this time (and that my WW is having some troubles coping - actually my dime store diagnosis is that we're both depressed).

The general advice here is to stay if you want to R

And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer". I am thinking that I will work on IC, de-escalating the tension a bit around here, allowing for some tentaitve re-connection and positivity, and then re-assess in a month or so. If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".

Fighting2Survive posted 5/2/2011 14:11 PM

Yes, I took my son. That isn't possible in every situation, but I leveraged every piece of ammo I had to make sure he stayed with me. DS has special needs and I've always been his primary caregiver. Plus, FWH was drinking and abusing prescription drugs. As much as it killed me to separate DS from his dad, my son's safety was the deciding factor.

And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer

That's the advice I give. I see no benefit in creating the illusion that you are willing to rugsweep. It prevents your WS from facing herself and digging deep, and it comes at too great a cost to your mental health.

If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".

You get it. I truly hope that your WW will begin to get it too- not just for the sake of your M, but for her sake and your children.

solus sto posted 5/2/2011 14:14 PM

Great post, F2S. I wish I'd seen anything in Column A :(

hard_yards posted 5/2/2011 14:32 PM

Thanks for this F2S, it's a good tool to make it easier to gauge where your relationship is at in recovery.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 7:51 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]

Ghostwalker posted 5/2/2011 14:40 PM

Thank you so much for this valuable information. I am so sad because my WS has done so little to repair our relationship. *Sigh*

vickie1957 posted 5/2/2011 19:13 PM

great post- thank you for sharing. I hadn't found SI until 4 months after DDay and this has helped me recognize that we are on the right track. Good to know!

MyTurnToBeHappy posted 5/2/2011 19:40 PM

Wow, my WS would be the poster boy for rug sweeping!!!! It's been almost 4 months since d-day...he doesn't get it all.

There was a big development today which I will post later after the kids r in bed.

But he doesn't get the pain, the torture....how much I have been devastated and broken into pieces.

I wonder what he would say if I gave him that post. At this point, it wouldn't do ANY harm.

Fighting2Survive posted 5/11/2011 13:24 PM

Bump

Fighting2Survive posted 5/14/2011 20:39 PM

bump

Miss Saigon posted 5/17/2011 21:50 PM

rugsweeping 4 check, reconciliation 1 check, wh can pretend remorseful isnt he, im in a fake R.

Crazy Daze posted 5/19/2011 13:59 PM

Thank you for bumping. I still have hope but we are not R as WS is still rugsweeping.

He has just started IC so I will wait a while longer to see if he will ever own his shit and show remorse.

Rise_Above posted 6/6/2011 00:52 AM

bump

sherran posted 6/7/2011 02:55 AM

thank you, needed the clarification, if and when he decides to even start to process his deceit and stop running away I know where to stand now.

Fighting2Survive posted 6/16/2011 11:14 AM

bump

cobraadvice posted 6/16/2011 11:40 AM

So glad I read this and I have printed it out. We are only 4 1/2 weeks out of D-Day and my husband just moved out this week. It is and was the hardest thing ever even after catching him in this affair.

He is only 50% there, the guilt and remorse and being honest. So honest it hurts. He is in a deep fog and seeing it hurts the most.

I am still keeping up the 180 but we have to have contact because of household stuff and our business. I send him a text and sometimes he replies.

I know I need to give this time and that is not my virtue, patience. I am starting therapy today with a Psycologist and sadly the sleep aid did not work, up at 3 am as usual. But at least today I don't feel as physically horrible.

Off to buy ensure because this 20 pound weight loss now makes me too skinny. Have to buy some new clothes today too so I have something that fits and does not slide off.

[This message edited by cobraadvice at 11:46 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

m334455 posted 6/16/2011 14:53 PM

Thanks so much for this. My WH is not remorseful. That doesn't leave me with much to work with -- he's NC, transparent and honest about the present and future, but not remorseful and he won't talk about the A. Ugh.

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