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Newest Member: blackluca (44314)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Before You Say Reconcile...
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe a bad place to post this since it appears the thread gets bumped often but questions rarely get answered.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN "R" OR GETTING TO PLACE WHERE YOU CAN START "R"?

in aug 2011 my wife and i stopped having sex and our marriage dissolved into silent hostility with each other.

from sept 2011 to april/may 2013 my wife had
- a ONS
- MULTIPLE sexting/pic exchanges with multiple guys, starting and stopping in fits and sometimes restarting with new guys or the previous ones.
- a LTA EA/PA
- another ONS
- in addition she was secretly drinking extremely heavily (almost a liter of hard liquor a week)

in between april and may she ended everything with everyone, voluntarily, and quit drinking. she says she had an epiphany. she also stopped going out at night. she hasnt been out since then except to things/places that are "okay" and easily verifiable (for instance a pizza party for my daughters class in which i was also there).
i didnt know about the affairs or the drinking until a few weeks ago so this was a truly voluntarily action.
in june we agreed to try to fix our marriage. she admitted to having an EA with her long term EA/PA but denied any PA. the stereotypical false R.
we fell into difficulties a few months later. never as bad as before but definitely trouble (sparked by my getting her pregnant and an abortion - yes, it was me, yes .. im sure).


a few weeks ago she admitted to the PA and the sexting. the next morning she admitted to the two ONS.

since then she has

1: NC with all of the guys and everyone associated even slightly with them (hang out in same club or friends or whatever), and NC with every friend that knew about the affair (she kept all but the LTA secret from them).

2: actively shows remorse by every indicator listed in the list (except trying to figure out exactly WHY she had the affairs, there i get "im bad", "im broken", "my parents have always told me i was a POS", "i didnt think you loved me", etc. all of which may be reasons why she was vulnerable but not really a "why" an affair). ive basically had a nervous breakdown and shes been taking care of me, handling more around house, etc.

3: completely transparent - all passwords, account info, phone access, etc. answers any questions. reveals details i could never otherwise have found out about. i do get "i cant remember" exactly (for instance, oral sex with last ONS or not = maybe, i am not sure ... which may be the case or may be also trying to shut it out of her mind or may be she is trying to "spare me" ... but she swears she cant remember).

4: no lies (that i know of) about anything.

5: agreed to all boundaries.

so. a few weeks ago.
is this an R or steps leading to an R or is it something else? is this too soon to even be considering it an R? i have great difficulty in figuring out exactly where we are.

i read above that its cringeworthy to read JFO are in R. i trust this site and the people here ... so how do we know if it is an R?

[This message edited by william at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 493 | Registered: Jan 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Gardenerinpain
♀ New Member
Member # 42323
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading the difference between Reconciliation and Rugsweeping, I am cautiously hopeful that after 2 years of rugsweeping I am finally seeing signs of REAL R.
Thanks so much for this.


Me: BS 60
He: F?WH 71
OW: 70
Married 32 years.
DDay March 2012
Separated since September 2013.
Trying to reconcile.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley


Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: South
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16447 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4925 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Kitty70
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for this. It is a great place to see it all at once.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16447 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Following thread


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I am confronting him tomorrow and have no idea what to expect.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
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