SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Before You Say Reconcile...
maybe a bad place to post this since it appears the thread gets bumped often but questions rarely get answered.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN "R" OR GETTING TO PLACE WHERE YOU CAN START "R"?
in aug 2011 my wife and i stopped having sex and our marriage dissolved into silent hostility with each other.
from sept 2011 to april/may 2013 my wife had
- a ONS
- MULTIPLE sexting/pic exchanges with multiple guys, starting and stopping in fits and sometimes restarting with new guys or the previous ones.
- a LTA EA/PA
- another ONS
- in addition she was secretly drinking extremely heavily (almost a liter of hard liquor a week)
in between april and may she ended everything with everyone, voluntarily, and quit drinking. she says she had an epiphany. she also stopped going out at night. she hasnt been out since then except to things/places that are "okay" and easily verifiable (for instance a pizza party for my daughters class in which i was also there).
i didnt know about the affairs or the drinking until a few weeks ago so this was a truly voluntarily action.
in june we agreed to try to fix our marriage. she admitted to having an EA with her long term EA/PA but denied any PA. the stereotypical false R.
we fell into difficulties a few months later. never as bad as before but definitely trouble (sparked by my getting her pregnant and an abortion - yes, it was me, yes .. im sure).
a few weeks ago she admitted to the PA and the sexting. the next morning she admitted to the two ONS.
since then she has
1: NC with all of the guys and everyone associated even slightly with them (hang out in same club or friends or whatever), and NC with every friend that knew about the affair (she kept all but the LTA secret from them).
2: actively shows remorse by every indicator listed in the list (except trying to figure out exactly WHY she had the affairs, there i get "im bad", "im broken", "my parents have always told me i was a POS", "i didnt think you loved me", etc. all of which may be reasons why she was vulnerable but not really a "why" an affair). ive basically had a nervous breakdown and shes been taking care of me, handling more around house, etc.
3: completely transparent - all passwords, account info, phone access, etc. answers any questions. reveals details i could never otherwise have found out about. i do get "i cant remember" exactly (for instance, oral sex with last ONS or not = maybe, i am not sure ... which may be the case or may be also trying to shut it out of her mind or may be she is trying to "spare me" ... but she swears she cant remember).
4: no lies (that i know of) about anything.
5: agreed to all boundaries.
so. a few weeks ago.
is this an R or steps leading to an R or is it something else? is this too soon to even be considering it an R? i have great difficulty in figuring out exactly where we are.
i read above that its cringeworthy to read JFO are in R. i trust this site and the people here ... so how do we know if it is an R?
[This message edited by william at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
After reading the difference between Reconciliation and Rugsweeping, I am cautiously hopeful that after 2 years of rugsweeping I am finally seeing signs of REAL R.
Thanks so much for this.
Thank you so much for this. It is a great place to see it all at once.
Thank you! I am confronting him tomorrow and have no idea what to expect.