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Before You Say Reconcile...

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hurting35 posted 6/17/2011 08:05 AM

Thanks for posting this. My WH never did any of these things when he was trying to work on our marriage. Instead he blames me, laughs and tells me I'm crazy.

mamabekay posted 6/17/2011 09:57 AM

My what is most of the way there...but he can't remember all the details. Rather, what he remembers doesn'tmatch up with the phone records. Our mc (whom neither of us really like; working on finding a new one) tells me that wh may really believe he's telling the truth, and that scares the hell out of me. How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?

Fighting2Survive posted 6/24/2011 18:41 PM

bump

55forwardfocus posted 6/24/2011 21:07 PM

Excellent! I plan to share with my wife and require she become an expert in all phases of R. The phrase, "Lies of omission" struck a chord with me. Great wisdom.

SabinatheOwl posted 6/28/2011 10:26 AM

Bump for newbies

ThereWereNoSigns posted 6/28/2011 14:34 PM

Unfortunately, after reading this post...I realize he is rugsweeping. i think he thinks doing dishes and calling me when he is coming home from work is "hard work." His transparency is only on things that he feels need to be transparent...don't tell me if he strikes up a friendship with a woman while on travel for work for 2 weeks...He "knew I would think he was fucking her."
Defensive...check
Angry...check
Makes jokes about it...check
Continues secret relationships...check
Not transparent...check
Rugsweeping...check, check

The more I type the more I see he is a bigger ass than I thought. He wants to work on our relationship...but I swear he wants to have his cake and eat it to.

[This message edited by ThereWereNoSigns at 2:35 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

LadyBlackbird posted 6/28/2011 14:42 PM

Thank you for that great explanation of the the 4 pillars! I keep thinking that maybe there's something wrong with me because sorry just isn't enough, but now I feel much better seeing that my WSO doesn't meet any of the R criteria. I've seen the pillars referenced many times here, but it was nice to have good descriptions.

Thanks!!

september7 posted 7/1/2011 19:05 PM

bump!! Great post!!

2ndbest posted 7/1/2011 19:26 PM

Thanks for bumping this thread. I'm so sad to realize how far H and I are from honest reconciliation. Thought we were making progress but he met OW for lunch yesterday.He's been rugsweeping everything. I was so desperate to believe him, I let myself fall for a load of crap.

isadora posted 7/2/2011 12:06 PM

bumping

LadyBlackbird posted 7/7/2011 14:54 PM

bump

Fighting2Survive posted 7/11/2011 16:14 PM

bump

SabinatheOwl posted 7/13/2011 09:32 AM

bump

betrayedandnumb posted 7/13/2011 17:32 PM

Just seeing this.. and worthy of a bump!!

Baffled posted 7/14/2011 10:23 AM

thankyou for posting this. So much advice was given to me at the beginning, and at first I blinded myself to it. Now nearly 3 years on, I so clearly see the difference.My WH is firmly in the righthand pillar.

mamabekay: How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?

That is exactly what I went through.

Fighting2Survive posted 7/18/2011 22:28 PM

bump

Fighting2Survive posted 7/23/2011 20:23 PM

bump

bufffalo posted 7/27/2011 17:18 PM

brokenfairy posted 7/27/2011 17:35 PM

This is really interesting, and sadly for me in black and white proves that my partner has chosen to 100% rugsweep.

Mind you, I don't think he really knows what he wants tbh...he says he doesn't want OW, but also isnt prepared to wait up to 5 years for me to completely recover either. I think something inside him has said that at 53 years old, he is just maybe not cut out for relationships.

He doesn't want to fight for me, or his kids... he seems to be happy just to let it all slip through his fingers. My last cry out to him, explaining that i was throwing him a lifeline, ended up with him telling me to "fuck off"...

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

We are only 5 weeks since DDay, but already there is nothing to work with, to hope for, so I have just switched off and we co-habit silently...its a living hell.

I just want to be happy

purplefinch posted 7/27/2011 20:00 PM

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

I am in a similar situation. From the beginning, except for a brief few days of fake behavior, my Stbxwh has shown nothing but running for divorce as fast as he can. At first it broke my heart but now I see he doesn't have what it takes to even try to reconcile. It is hard but it is my reality now. I agree that It is, in
some ways, more painful than the a itself. He's tossing it away like our marriage was trash.

MrsSprky99 posted 7/27/2011 21:35 PM

Thanks so very much for posting this for all of us who are recently experiencing this for the very first time. Puts everything in perspective well!

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