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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Cool  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I found this thread!!!

Sorry there are soooo many in the club...

Any way, about drinking on DDAY or after, I did not drink any alcohol as I thought I would never stop. I can remember making this one and only concious decision.

However when we went to Dr. for STD checks and he was sooo caring he did prescribe Xanax for me and WH. Plus Ambiem.

Anyway this is the only thing that got me through as I was afraid I would drink myself to death.

Instead I did become addicted to Xanax. It took weeks to get off it. But I have to say the 1 1/2 I was on a very low dose it made me able to put one foot in front of the other.

I still take Ambiem to sleep as since Dday I still can not sleep without it and I can not function in any capacity if I don't sleep.

Tried to get off this too but not making it a priorty yet.

Thanks for all of you who post. I go to IC and MC but this is definitely one of those things that only people who have been through, really get!!!


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Jollum & 2yrs.

Deep: YAY!!!!!

Re: drinking: me, not so much. I did drink, sometimes to excess, when I was in R on date nights, but that stopped many months ago.

As for me: Stbx came home from work late last night - not too late, just 1/2 hr or so - but I was greatly agitated that he took waaay too long to tell me where he was (says he was looking for an apt) & his attitude in general was just pissing me off. We still live together & yes, if you know you are going somewhere after work, just tell me. What's the big damn deal. It's just common courtesy. Long story short, you just can't convince him that this is something that should be done.
So, we argued a bit about this last night, I must say it was hard to walk away from the fight because his coming home late from work without calling is something that happened ALL THE TIME during his A & it just pisses me off now.
But, this morning started out fine til I asked him about the apt. As it turns out, he looke for an apt in the county where he works, same county as where OW lives & works, which again set me off.
Of course anything OW related gets my temper flared, but I was mostly blown away that he would choose someplace so far away from the kids. An extremely heated argument ensued, which I will spare you all. However, I thought you would be amused to hear one of his little gems.
He was telling me that he's not with OW & I shouldn't make assumptions about why he's looking for an apt there and then he says.......
"I would not free myself of 1 relationship & jump into another."
OMFG.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I would not free myself of 1 relationship & jump into another."

Bwah-hah-hah-haaaaah! O my lawd. I just spit coffee on my keyboard.

No, no... one relationship after another would be bad. Two relationships at the same time, though... that idea is pure gold.
*snort*


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can drink too much?? I never hit the bottle, cans for me.

Jollum.

Welcome. If you gotta go through this shit, this place is a good place to get help. Natural lump hardwood c-coal for me. No brickets or starter fluid. I grill about anything. Meatloaf, pizza, cookies and bread are some of the unusual things I grill.

Deep.

You GOT A JOB! Great news. I will celibrate by drinking a can or two this evening and play Hush, Kentucky Woman and so on while grilling some shrimp.

2yrs.

Welcome. Stay around awhile.

tryn.

As you get older you pay more for those nights out drinking. Recovery is just so much slower.

miracle.

We have not had any new words for awhile. Did you ever find that list of all the new words we made up? That was your job to keep the list. I can't seem to think of any new words lately. I think I may have anteriorpostnewworditis!

There seems to be a few regulars that are not checking in as much as they should. You know who you are, so CHECK IN. Please. (I know I really have no reason to talk about someone being AWOL. )

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no... one relationship after another would be bad. Two relationships at the same time, though... that idea is pure gold.
*snort*

Honestly, I feel like I'm in the damn Twilight Zone sometimes.

I could not BELIEVE he said that! Holy Shit!

I really could not think of the appropriate words to respond to that. All I said (via text, like all the dysfunction couples) was that he had 2 relationships at the same time & that was a ridiculous statement to make.
It really didn't do it justice.

He really, really says the dumbest things.
Like yesterday, HE brings up Arnold's affair. Why? What good would come of such a conversation? I guess it's just new, just shootin the shit to him. But, his sole comment was that OW was ugly & Arnold could do better.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I don't know what of those two things was dumber. These things are so shocking/stupid that it would be almost impossible to come up with a proper retort. It would go over their heads anyway.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jollum - I too have lost that "in love" feeling. It makes me sad but I guess when people say A's change a M, it's the truth. And especially LTA's.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up. Then other days I get mad at myself and say, "I'm not going to let him steal my happiness."

Allgood - They just don't get it. That's something my H would say and then to bring up the subject of Arnold? They are so so stupid.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun & Dip - Hey! If you were 1 of those trendy Hollywood couples - we could refer to you as "Fun Dip". Yummm.

Anyhoo.

I've concluded that my stbx makes these remarks as a form of assisted suicide.
LOL!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Fun Dip!. That sounds like, well, fun to me!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to tell all of you that your responses and camaraderie have already started to make me feel better. I go to BAN but it's only twice a month and this feels as good as that does. No one except those who have been there can really understand this crap and I so appreciate you all being there to help me.

Now on to the important stuff,,,,Old Dipstick...you are a man to whom I can look up to and admire. I too am a lump charcoal man. I occasionally have moments where I backslide and use wood or briquets but I always come back to the lumps. It will be Italian sausage with peppers and onions slow grilled tomorrow. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

FYI...I'm in my 50's. Grilled most of my life however two weeks ago was the first time I ever used a gas grill. Probably the last too. I darn near burnt everything up


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am getting very little done today at work.

Grilling story... also my favorite Martha Stewart story.
I was watching ol' Martha one day many years ago when she had some famous grilling chef dude on her show to talk about, well, grilling. During the segment, she asks him, "Do you make your own charcoal?" and he looks at her like she is a complete idiot and responds, "Nooo... you can buy a big bag of charcoal for $5." I have never laughed so hard during a "ladies" show in my life.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

time is really short...will have to go pick up boys...but need to give a shout out to 2 yrs...welcome to our little corner...

i was also prescribed xanax....drugs and drink...i have such a low tolerance...i too am on a low dose...a half of the lowest dose ...and when i drink...2 i feel really buzzed by the third i am bonafide drunk...i am a cheap date....that is at least as far as that is concerned....


i only take the xanax every now and then i was also worried i would get addicted if i did more then that...i tried ad's...i got worse...lots worse...

anyways like everyone else here, si has become a lifeline of sorts, a place to come a and sort it out, get validation and a place to get "real" advice from people who are IN IT...


allgood:

"

I would not free myself of 1 relationship & jump into another."

yup add this to the list of stupid...

and nell gotta give you props for taking the words out of my head...

No, no... one relationship after another would be bad. Two relationships at the same time, though... that idea is pure gold.
*snort*



dip: about that list.. ...i think i agreed to it when i was either drinking or taking the xanax...i no member no list.....i thought it would just magically appear..


jollum: i had looked into ban meetings but none were local....i do do si g2g's though getting to be on a regular basis...made some awesomne friend with whom i can connect irl....some here on the lta..


and this place...i am convinced it has some magic to it....the peeps here even those who come and go....there is the feeling of belonging that i cant get anywhere else....i feel so safe here....even though pfm (my ws) reads here regularly, i still feel safe....not even he can take that away...god bless pm's..

gotta go get the boys now...

later


eta: nell we cross posted...and i have to say thanks for that ...i would have loved to see that....the woman who knows everything, how to do everything, make everything....

totally priceless...

oops gonna be late...this place is too addicting sometimes...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:07 PM, May 20th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome 2 Yrs. It seems the word has gotten out about the LTA "Tribe!" We can be a chatty bunch but you couldn't ask for better support and understanding than what you find on these pages.

FWH was home for less than 2 hours and we were able to get into it. I'm feeling more done with this M by the day. In trying to get me to open up to him he tells me that he thinks I've been concentrating on myself so much that I haven't focused on our DS17 as much as I used to. Now, I really do get that what he's saying is most likely motivated by fear because I continue to detach, but frankly, I'm sick and tired of putting up with his BS because he's hurt. Thie merry-go-round is making me sick to my stomach and I want off....at least for a little while.

Just a few days ago I was feeling so upbeat and now I'm back feeling like crap. This sucks on so many levels.

ETA - The alcohol thing....my Dad is an alcoholic and not a pretty one, so I'm always afraid of falling in love with the numbness that comes from drinking too much. I have definitely been drinking more since DDay, but not much more.

[This message edited by strongish at 3:01 PM, May 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong:

as per your return from your workshop you wrote:

I still intend for us to S and FWH agrees that this really doesn't change anything right now. We will stay as we are for another month, until after our DD graduates, then he will move out. That's the plan, anyway.

and now he is fighting with anything he can, yes out of fear...he does not want the separation.....

so everytime he does give you grief, and everytime you feel that the day cannot come soon enough...take it for what it is...a confirmation that you made the right choice....now if he became the model, fws...this of course would give you pause to reconsider and think twice...but sadly he does not realize that is exactly what he must do.....pfm does not get that one either...everytime he fucks up and he does so so often i look at it for what it is...confirmation and validation that the path of my choosing is the correct path......i have to admit, it gets difficult when he pisses me off or like even recently upon him making a new "friend" and it hurts....but the confirmation and validation are still there and that feels good to know i am doing right...kwim???

so i take it for what it is...and know i will make it what i want it to become...it may take me longer then you but i will get there too....

(((strong)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sad, sad day. Anniversary of mum's death and we will have to call the vet. We need to put my dog to sleep.

I have been up since very early checking on him. He can't walk. Have filled in the time adding his pic to our collage. He always lies beside me at the computer while I chat and drink tea. So he is now at the foot of the table with the ladies drinking tea and watching out for danger. He is also beside my great friend Fun's dogs - I know she loves hers as I love mine.

Love to all

Laura



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - We are big dog lovers in our family and have had to have several of ours put to sleep. I know how much it hurts. The love you get from a pet is 100% unconditional. I know that my dog has been a comfort to me many, many times. (((Laura)))

Thanks Miracle. I know that you're right. I agree that FWH is lashing out at me because he's hurt. But I'm sick of turning the other cheek and excusing his hurtful comments. I understand that he's scared...guess what, so am I. But at least I have the balls to say that I'm having trouble staying in this M the way it is, instead of sneaking around behind his back and having an A. So, pat myself on the back, dry my tears and go on with my day.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

I'm sorry to hear this Laura. I know it is a very hard time for you. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs,
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((laura))))

that sucks hon...it really does....

and i am glad you added him to the pic....and my dog too lays next to me everytime im on the computer and usually having a cup of tea....

strong: in no way shape or form do i expect you to feel for him....can't seem to do that for pfm either....i find strength in the validation and the confirmation when he is a fuck up.....and i hope you do too....it hurts first and pisses me off first...but the strength i gain keeps me sane, keeps me level and most importantly keeps me on my chosen path...no wavering at all...just a stronger conviction....and in an odd way it helps me get through it...i still have a little ways to go before i can be at peace as a mom in my decision....so the strength is sorely needed.....

your day will come soon and yes its scary knowing you are starting out all fresh and not so new....but its exciting too.....so focus on the exciting part, kkkk



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - sorry to hear you had such a rough day. I'm very sorry to hear of your dog's condition. It is so hard to see them like that. My dog (who was 100lbs) couldn't walk either toward the end. Then he heard someone outside the house and God Bless him he tried to run to bark at them & spun out terribly. H died a few hours after that.
Dogs are awesome.
My thoughts will be with you over the next few days. I know how hard it is to lose such a special & close member of the family.

Strongish - it's the roller coaster or something else?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's probably just the roller coaster. I let myself engage with FWH this morning and all hell broke loose. He says he "understands" that I'm angry, but when I express it or get snarky he gets angry right back. That really gets me riled and then we're off to the races. I'm not doing "this" the way he wants me to so he's frustrated. I'm trying to disengage and detach and he's clutching me closer and closer. I can see it so clearly but I don't know how to stop it. My feelings for him have changed so dramatically. I look at him or listen to him speak and I wonder what I ever saw in him.

DS17 noticed that I had been crying this afternoon. I really hate that he sees when I'm upset. I'm not apologizing for it, but I hate that this is the new reality that he has to face.

[This message edited by strongish at 10:01 PM, May 20th (Friday)]


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