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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this has turned into a really bad nite here....we started talking about the upcomming sweet 16, correction, i started talking about the upcomming sweet 16, i want to know what his plans are concerning his family....well that started this huge snowball rolling....he does not get it, and i know he does not get it...why, why do i engage....i do think at some point he understood that he has not earned an ounce of trust....will he retain this newfound knowledge...probably not....and then the kicker is when he turned this conversation into one about me and my so called "secrets"...he wants to know if i talk to men, or meet up with men.....his secret relationship is being compared to me now keeping secrets...i explained to him once again that my PERSONAL life is no longer his concern and that includes when i am sick, going to the drs, who i go out with, where i go, who i talk to...anything...is no longer any of his business....i don't want the marriage....he supposedly does want it this marriage,is a "changed" man, will do what it takes as long as it takes...yadda yadda yadda..he says as he has this "new friend"....seriously dude...i cant explain it anymore, your therapist i am sure told you...so he tells me finally what his therapist said about this woman...."pfm, if you want reconcilliation, this woman has to go, if you don't then have female friends"...so of course he still had the friend...and expects what...omfg...it went on and on and on and the shit that comes from his mouth was just inspiring....

at the end he got as honest as he could be....tells me he is not perfect and is becomming the man he wants to be...well blow me down...so with that i tell him i deserve to be loved enough, i deserve unconditional love, i deserve a man who is willing to show me all of who he is to trust me who he is and a man who will be honest with me......so finally i think ok, its over, of course i am crying my eyes out once again and come into the den to come to si, and through the door he says.."please can you give us a chance"....

i am exhausted once again....i told him earlier to come to si and start posting again, let the peeps here explain it all to you...his reply...i cant go back there, they said i was whining...what am i supposed to do, its how i write...its not how you write but what you write...you just don't want to face what they have to say...i did face it, and i cant change the way i write.....


strong, this is one of those days that keeps me strong....as much as i want to not be strong and beat the shit out of him, throw anything hard at him and in general hurt his ass....but since i cant do that i will take it and stay strong....

but if you all read some headline in the am...you know the kind of headline i mean...wife goes crazy and pulls a bobbit....well that'll probably be me..


yup that which does not kill us makes us stronger...unless we kill first...

will go blow my nose now...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle-
It has to be so difficult living together this way.
I am not surprised that pfm discusses wanting to stay in the marriage.That's what happens when you stay together like this...you give the WS the impression that with time things will go back to normal.
And...oddly I do understand the new woman friend of his-it's his pattern, he always had a female there for him, the two of you are living as roommates, you keep telling him that the marriage is over and so.....he begins to look elsewhere for female attention.
His IC tells him that he cannot have female friends if he wants R...yet you tell him that R is not possible.

My husband and I have been actively pursuing complete and total R and it is so hard.
Living together is hard under any circumstances but in your aituation it has to be totally exhausting and ...confusing as well.

It seems as if there is a level of co-dependence between the two of you, an unwillingness to separate that goes beyond just the kids....

Do you really think that if you two were to separate that your children would have a really negative reaction?
Would the financial impact be so great that you would all suffer?

My heart just goes out to you...it must be so hard to wake up every morning and face him and have to interract together all day over all kinds of little details and yet in your heart...you're done, you don't want to be there with him, you don't want anything to do with him...
Please try to take care of your own mental and physical health-you're kids need you.
If in your mind your marriage is irreparably damaged and there's no hope of ever going back and you are only biding your time until the youngest is old enough to handle divorce ( but,is there really the 'right' age for that?)...but if you're just living there out of convenience for now...then you must detach on every level.
Don't engage in these conversations with him, start sleeping in separate bedrooms,start spending as much time apart as possible. When he gets home from work...then that's when you get busy-go to the gym, out with friends, out on your own.
I know people who have co-habitated due to finances and it somewhat worked out but they truly created separate residences....even dated others while they lived together....
all in all a very tough situation.
It's amazing that you are as together as you are- I would be basket case.
Take care.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep purple-
wanted to send a shout out...congrats on the job! That is quite the accomplishment in this horrible economic climate and...its amazing that considering all of the psychological and emotional turmoil that your wife is putting you through that you were able to keep it together and go through the steps to get a new job (no small feat!).
Sounds like you are on the the road to recovery.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- sorry for all the tough things that you are dealing with today.

Allgood- your husband's comments are unbelievable!
Did you point the irony in his remarks?

Strongish-sounds like he is trying to hold on by lashing out in anger....not a good strategy.
But, remind him..that if your marriage is meant to be then a separation could be the best thing for both of you. Help you both get perspective that you cannot get while living together.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote a long post to everyone, and it went poof!
Damn.

Too tired to rewrite, but the gist of it is to give hugs and support to everyone. My prayers are with you all, especially Laura and your furbaby. I'm so sorry.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - My prayers are with you. Thank you for putting your doggie next to mine. My puppies (especially my female) have licked away many a tear. I know what it's like to have to put your best friend down.

Miracle - My thoughts are with you. It's hard enough but when you have to put up with bullshit stupid it's even worse.

Allgood - "Fun Dip" Hmmmm...might be....Fun!!!

jollum - I started a BAN group where I live...and honestly, the LTA Group gives me so much more.

Hugs to the tribe


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - Hang in there honey. I don't know why we let these idiots push our buttons, but they sure know exactly how to do it. And God help us, we just keep hoping that one day they will "get it." Instead they put up barriers and lash out at us instead of holding themselves accountable. I agree with njgal that there really is no right age for kids to learn that their parents are divorcing. My IC says that in many ways it's more difficult when they're older as they are not as adaptable. But in the end, we have to trust that we raised our kids to be strong enough to deal with the hurts that will come their way in life. Have some faith in them.

I don't like the person that I have become. In order to stay in the same house with FWH I have to be cold and unfeeling. But I want to be happy. I want to find joy in my life. In honor of Laura and in my quest to find joy, I'm taking my pup to the dog park this morning after a stop at Starbucks.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish - I totally understand what you mean. This limbo state is really unbearable. I have no advice, unfortunately, just some hugs.
((Strongish))

Miracle - I think your continued interest in his personal life, this female friend for example, is inconsistent with you saying the relationship is over, no chances. I totally, TOTALLY get how painful it is when it is in your face. (For example - my H met a friend out for drinks yesterday at 4:30pm & didn't come home & didn't answer his phone until 5am.)
But, I think this is sending a mixed message to your H, as is your continued living together, even though I understand why you are doing it.

Ok. Got to go - unbelievably crazy day today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

question one:

separating now as opposed to a little later...

yes this is the right path for me as a mom, and the fact that the son i am worried about threatened suicide last week....tells me that i am doing the right thing...this kid need to get himself settled, this kid is also a mini pfm and i will not give him a reason to justify any behavior he might come up with...will he hurt anyways when the time comes...of course, but my hope is that he has a life course where right now he does not....right now this kid is floating and has not landed yet....and the last thing he would need is some strong winds blowing him in a wrong direction...that is not something i can live with...

my interest in his personal life:

1. i am not interested in his personal life because i want the marriage...

this man still insists he is a "model" husband...and that pisses me off....this man insists so many things that are so out there...and it pisses me off

2. and it hurts, it hurts that he lied again, it hurts that he does not love me enough, it hurts that he isn't sorry enough, it hurts that he cant do what he claims he IS doing....it hurts.....


thanks everyone for the support....i am doing a bit better today....still pissed and still hurt, but better...its not in my face...oh, that could be because he is not home...


oh and the latest...he said the friend is not a friend anymore...he never did say how he ended this so called friendship...and he is going back to his regular hours...its just a coincidence that his hours are changing....


i did throw a suggestion out there to him last nite, he knows i am concerned that he will try to screw me over and his family will be so happy to help him...which is why i questioned him in the first place....anyways...he insisted he won't screw me over...so i said prove it..get a post nup outlining eaxactly what you will and will not do....his response:

"i will not put anything in writing"

i rest my case....i still feel he needs to drop dead...i wonder why...

when i logged on earlier i saw a thread in off topic, this woman lost her ws, he died...and all i could think...why couldnt it be pfm...although i have to be honest...i dont want him to drop dead til manchild graduates...the kid needs this, he needs this big time....having his father drop dead just before graduation might also send him spiraling....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I know how hard it is, but try not to engage with pfm, but it seems that you can't really have a rational conversation with him and I know how hard you try. You made a decision to go to this sweet sixteen for very good reasons. Just stay away from pfm while there and whatever he says and does while there, just ignore.
I'm so sorry.

Allgood: What idiotic things they say!! He's still acting like a rebellious teenager instead of giving you the common courtesy that one would expect from even a roommate. It is still so aggravating.

Strongish: You have made a tough decision and it seems that your WH is fighting it, but still doesn't seem to get that the way he could prove he is really remorseful and willing to R is not by acting this way. I admire you for your strength.

I've been having major breakdowns lately. Don't know why,unless all the stuff I'm supressed is coming to a head. There is way too much to process.

I try not to engage in conversation with WH, but he is starting in again about the DS's visiting overseas. He tells me that I'm being hostile.

I think what's wrong is that I really really know it's over, completely and it really really hurts. I guess I'm mourning and still processing the depth of this betrayal.

Love to all of you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh honest, i understand dear heart, i understand...it is more the alot to process we need to process things that were unfathomable to us.....not engaging is tough when you have to engage for and about the kids or day to day crap....

last nite was myfault, i wanted to be prepared for this sweet 16, and i should know better, because it really does not matter what he says since his words and actions never match....never had,....he is p/a to the core.....

we will get through this, one step at a time....one foot in front of the other....


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: It's not your fault. I think what happens is what happens when I'm with my mom. She can act "normal" for a while, just being regular and then I'm caught off guard and forget that she isn't and may talk rationally about whatever and then BAM! She irrational. I think that what happens with you. I'm sure there are many times with pfm in your day to day routine that he acts "semi-normal" and you forget and try to deal with him rationally.
I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, I don't think he does any of this on purpose to hurt you, although I know it's frustrating to the nth degree.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks honest but it really was my fault and totally my doing...i came straight out and asked him what his intentions were concerning his family for the sweet 16 and after that one thing led to another and the pandora's box was opened....and like i said, it really does not matter what he says, i have to come to terms that his words do not matter...and they actually only infuriate me, why...because his words and actions don't match...

i take full responsiblity on this one....i own my shit unlike him and so many of our ws's....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit has hit the fan here....DS17 just asked me if the reason FWH and I are having problems is because he had an A. I had to be honest and confirm but did not give him any details. He's angry, sad and I'm hoping will keep talking to me. Did I mention that this sucks?

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Strong)))))

what did your son say when you told him?

is he ok?

pm coming


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here's the scoop....

Apparently DS17 has been thinking for the past month that our marital troubles have to do with FWH having an A. He saw that I had been on SI and also noticed FWH reading a book about how to deal with the fall-out of an A. He's not stupid, he put 2 + 2 together and came up with the right answer. He asked me point blank and I wasn't about to lie to him. We cried and I made a point of telling him that FWH loves him very much. Not exactly what DS wants to hear right now but I don't want to get in between him and his dad.

I've reached out to a friend so has been helpful to me, her son is also a friend to DS. She has agreed to be a sounding board for DS if he needs it and will keep a close eye on him when he's at her house. She's a great cook and DS loves to eat so he actually spends quite a bit of time there.

DS did not ask for details other than to ask how long I've known. I told him that I found out last summer. Right now he's feeling very protective of me, which I kind of expected. I didn't expect to have to deal with this for several more weeks and was going to get advice from our MC and IC, but I thought I had more time. Any help or advice from the Tribe is welcome.

To some extent, this is a relief for me. Keeping up the facade has been very, very difficult as many of you know. But, I know that I need to handle this very carefully. I don't want to make this sich any worse than it already is.

Honestly, I feel sorry for FWH. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes...I guess that's why I've never had an A.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm still back on page 8, but I feel compelled to say that I do still feel polluted, ATS, but I like how you put that. Only one solution: Oysters! Too bad they're out of season...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-
What a crappy response from pfm...that he won't put anything in writing in terms of a post nup!
Question... do you really have to share a bedroom with pfm?
I remember as a teen that a number of my friend's parents as well as my own had separate bedrooms... it was not a big deal for us teens. In fact, we assumed that 'old' people over age 50 (LOL) did not have sex anymore!
Maybe that would help you to deal with the arrangement. Make pfm move out of the bedroom and make him sleep in the den, basement, you name it.At least you would have your own space.

Allgood-Sorry that your husband is behaving like such an ass.... staying out until 5am is so disrespectful and unkind. It is a very tough situation.

Strongish-I told both of my kids about the LTA right after d-day. They were a bit older than your DS (my DD was 22 and my DS was 24) but it was very upsetting for them.
They both supported me totally. They were standoffish with their father and very protective of me but with time as they saw my husband's remorse and all of the hard work that he was doing to change...they began to come around.
They are now big supporters of my husband and our reconciliation. My husband did speak to the kids and addressed the LTA and expressed his remorse and apologized to them for hurting me...I think that was the turning point for them.
Like you.. I did feel relief when the kids knew the truth. I was such a mess... I had to explain why.

Honest- So sorry that you are having such distress.Unfortunately, you have to go through the pain to get to the other side of it. Finding out about a LTA is very traumatic. Our entire world is turned upside down. I still question my judgement... and do not have a lot of confidence in my decision making. Here we trusted someone completely and found out we were so wrong about them, our marriage, etc. The rug was pulled out from under us.

I do think that the Maria Shriver story is very triggering for so many of us here.... I know that it has been for me.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: we are here for ya....

njgal: thanks it was a crappy thing to say....one of so many crappy things...

earlier tonite, i was sorting laundry...manchild went to work with pfm on his second job and helped clean ball fields...so the clothes were a mess...pfm offered to take care of them...my response...no thats ok, i will do his things along with the rest tomorrow morn like i always do so the washer and dryer are free for you....with that he snaps at me....and why do we have to run the electric bill and gas bill higher...i said...excuse me....him: never mind....

i let it go...i am proud, i wanted to snap,....

then a bit later tonite when i was in the shower i kept replaying last nites conversation over and over in my head something wasnt sitting right, well alot somethings werent sitting right.. and bingo, ...realized one of them... he offered, correction more then offered..wanted me to call this new friend of his..and not just last nite but even when he first told me about her....which means not only do they have convos everyday on the train...exchange emails...but also phone calls....but i was a good girl and as much as i wanted to snap at him...i didnt....

i can do this, i keep repeating this i can do this...I WILL DO THIS...

separate bedrooms right now would be a huge huge red flag to my son....not til after he graduates...i cannot let on, my charade has to continue til he graduates....and i pray he graduates....

think i need another girls nite out....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there Miracle....yes, you can do this. You are one kick a$$ mom that will do what it takes to protect her kids. You are stronger than you know!

I'm beat...it's been a long, long day and I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed and will hopefully fall asleep with the TV on. Goodnite all.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
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