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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

ETA, laura28 are you moving on?

Nope. You can't get rid of me easily Mind you I don't think I could leave even if my therapist says to. I believe you all do me so much more good than harm

Busy busy at work.

Thinking of you all tonight. FWH is at work - I HATE it when he works evenings! TRIGGERS

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking of getting my motorcycle license but like Nell, I think the Harley would be too heavy. Can I bring my crotch rocket into the "garage living room"?

I also have a juke box that I could donate to the cause.

Sistermilkshake - no matter what it is, there is no judgements here. Hell, there are things from my younger days that I wonder how I didn't either get in big trouble for doing or ended up dead.

Hugs to all


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi fun

How are you honey.

Nice to see someone here tonight - I am so often alone.

Hope all is OK at your place

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

juke box is a great suggestion...love it....maybe we can add a dance floor to dance to the music.....

this is turning into the best garage ever...it does need a view though....


i gots all my emoticon thingys back this am....i want to use them all but have no cause so just for fun...



this last one is my favorite, at least for now, i also like

ok, matters at hand...

ats why are you going to this concert without your wife?????


laura: i think the trigger or im thinkin the fear of him working late will subside with time and with continued modified behavior on your husbands part....the more he does right, by telling you things he needs to tell you, by acting appropriately in said sich's and by answering every question over and over i believe this fear will subside.....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks miracle

It's 9.50 pm here. What time is it where you are? I think now our daylight saving has ended our times are closer. I suspect it's about 5.50 am at your place so why are you up so early?

laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura's in the hooooouuuuuuse! Sorry... I should have given you a Dork Alert.

So WH read a few more pages in the Linda MacDonald book last night. I had shared a difficulty I had yesterday with him (I had to do my annual review yesterday, so had to directly deal with the solid six months that I was a walking zombie... you know... and trying to spin/ignore that made me feel like a big loser)... something like four hours later he said, "I know you were having a hard time today, and I really appreciate that you tried hard to recover. It was not unnoticed." Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you. I get that he was trying to be supportive. He has no idea what to say when I share information about my feelings. He is doing his best to put me ahead of his shame/guilt/desire to forget what he's done. And he is getting better. I do see that. I am standing back and watching. It's difficult to hurt and need support and have to teach the person you need support from how to support you. I've always been strong but it's like I have to be three times as strong as the typical human, and about 10 times stronger than WH just to keep us afloat.

Sister,
You gots some esplainin' to do.

honest,
What do you mean... your mom is STILL there?! Yikes!

dip,
All that talk was way back in the last house. It's all I can do to click on different pages... way too much to expect me to walk all the way down the street and open the old place to review plans.

Allgood,
You are still struggling, no doubt about it. But the struggles seem less life-threatening. Kind of like when your kids are extremely sick, you're constantly worrying about them and fussing over them, then the fever breaks and, while they are still sick and you're still fussing over them, it's not with the same intensity.

Oh, phew. The dog just let one fly. I've got to get out of here! later, tribe!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nell

I get that he was trying to be supportive. He has no idea what to say when I share information about my feelings. He is doing his best to put me ahead of his shame/guilt/desire to forget what he's done. And he is getting better.

Oh so positive!!!!! Like mine your FWH is a bit of a dipshit and yes he needs training but YES. He's trying. Hooray!!!!

It's difficult to hurt and need support and have to teach the person you need support from how to support you. I've always been strong but it's like I have to be three times as strong as the typical human, and about 10 times stronger than WH just to keep us afloat.

You are SO strong. That's why he loves you. You are so loveable. But hey we LTA ladies are the strongest otherwise we'd be like the other 95% of victims of LTA's and we'd be GONE.

Stay strong honey and hug him when he tries even if it's a bit pissweak (aussie expression - do you use it???)

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura:

its not that early here right now it 8 am ish...so yes we are closer in time now...i hate that you are in a different time zone....i wish at least ukgirl was still posting...she is at least in london and i think closer in time difference...

nell: the trainable husband....

well i tried to train pfm, obviously he was and is untrainable.....so kudos to you for sticking with it and kudos to mr nell for being open to it and actually applying what he is learning


for me with pfm the training part mixed in with the passive/agressive shit is where i always got confused...of course that was before i recogized and understood what p/a is....pfm would try something i suggested, it would last a day, sometimes a week and then he would always go back to his old behavior...now i see it for what it was....he actually took control fooling me into thinking he was able to "see" his behavior, when he really didnt and just changed what he was doing to shut me up.....he did this alot with our kids....now instead its ME who "SEES"...i see who he really is and i don't like him.....


eta: nell when the dog cuts one here in the miracle house, she clears a room too.....brutal...and she is silent too.....there have been many a nite i would have to leave the computer because it was so brutal and wait for the air to clear...or get the can of glade....depending on my need

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:19 AM, May 12th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats why are you going to this concert without your wife?????

She did not want to go with me when I was buying the tickets a couple months ago.

She says she will be able to go to the musical tonight, we will see. Earlier in the week she said she did not want to go because it has a song in it about one of the cities she travelled to with OM. Then she said she had a work meeting.

We are not talking much. Monday she told me she needed a break to process things. Last night when I got home, she was in bed going over printouts of all my recent posts on SI.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - I will try to esplain as best I can. I think I have had this issue since I was a child. I often times feel like I am always on the outside looking in. I feel people "tolerate" me, but don't really feel a connection to me, or want to have a connection to me. Or even really like me.

So, it sounds like I do have real self esteem issues. Which I do now. But, I have gone through times in my life where I didn't. Like when I was in my late teens and early 20's, I was pretty awesome. I dated alot and tolerated no BS from guys whatsoever. I met my husband then.

When we got married I was a confident & strong woman. I was so sure of my FWH's unconditional love that I was very confident and knew I had value, I was a good mom, a good friend. Still would have those feelings once in awhile of being on the outside looking in in some sitch's, but had my family & one or two really good friends, so all was good.

Now that I found out about my FWH's secret life, I feel like that little girl again. I was on the outside looking in at my own marriage. I didn't even belong there!

Tribe, you all have been nothing but kind to me. But, I am afraid. I am not funny, witty, smart, wise, etc. etc. enough and when you all find out, you will tolerate me, but I will be on the outside looking in. Like the eyes in the Tiki hut.

And, I am so weak. I am bawling my eyes out as I am typing this out. I feel so sorry for me! Pathetic!

The other thing I am concerned about is getting too close to you. It is easier giving advice in other Forums ( JFO & General) because you don't get to know the posters very well there. I know they are real people with devastating problems, but I can stay detached. Here, I will get to know you as real live people, and I won't be able to be detached. KWIM? If I can stay detached, I am not going to get hurt. Which is dumb, because I hurt anyway because..........I am on the outside looking in.

Hope this makes some sense.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SisterMilkshake))

Hope this makes some sense.

It does, you sound a lot like FWW. She avoids emotional intimacy to avoid being hurt. She has also described the feeling of observing her own life.

One of the things that dday provides for the BS is realization that our lives are not on the paths we assumed that they were. In getting to the path we want, we have the opportunity to consider who we are and what we want out of life, independant of our WS. I have used this time to become a healthier person physically and emotionally. In addition to some MC with FWW, I did IC to work on my issues. You may want to consider the same for yourself. Regardless of staying with your WS or not, being able to form and enjoy emotionally intimate relationships is important to many people. This may be something you choose to work on for you during this time while you are reappraising your M.


FWIW, I have had plenty of personally pathetic moments here at LTA, and so far they still seem to keep me as a part of the family.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake... I always enjoy your post. I felt what I called "getting my lion kicked out of me." So no need to say sorry to me. I felt exactly the same.

I have not been inspired to do much art lately? But I loved this one.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - thanks for the hug. You are so right about needing emotional intimacy. I do need that, that is why I feel like I am on the outside looking in, I'ld guess. And you are right about IC. As I was typing my previous post I thought "Boy, Sister, you need counseling!"

trynhard - loved that artwork! It made me laugh. Not feeling so sorry for myself anymore. That is exactly how I felt on D-day, and that is how I describe it in my profile, not getting my lion punched out, but like Mike Tyson punched me in the gut. But, you are right. I got my lion (lioness?) punched out that day.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister,

Hey -- you do need counseling. But then again, who wouldn't? As a matter of fact, I think almost every one of us has had some counseling. It's just too much.

Or, as my IRL sister said when I told her about the LTA -- "Holy shit! Are you sure you're even bipolar?! You weren't paranoid at all -- you were right!--.

It's the ultimate mind-f*ck. No reason to be ashamed of needing help processing THAT.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister,
I get what you're saying, too. I think there's some of that... hm... what's the word? Disconnected yearning? in everybody... like, you see other people being the life of the party or drawing other people toward them, and they seem so comfortable in their skins, etc., and you think, MAN, I wish I were like that person.

Here's the thing... from what people have told me, I appear to be that person. But I have always felt like a big dork. A big, obvious dork. But I carry myself well (my mom was big into "keep your back straight!"), and I don't notice and/or am surprised when other people want to spend time with me, and frankly I have gotten to a point in my life where I embrace my inner dork. But I do have that disconnected yearning... that wanting to be cool and popular, but the "cool kids" more often than not bug the crap out of me... I want people to get close to me but I have a bit of anxiety about people getting too close to me... part of that is due to my own wanting to look perfect (I can feel m3 nodding her head at me... yeah, yeah...) and another part of that is having learned that showing someone (Mr. Nell specifically) the imperfect parts of me gets me negative feedback, so I hide that stuff deeper, which creates a veneer of fakery and keeps people even farther away. Which deepens the cycle and so it goes.

So.

Damn. Way too early for deep thoughts. I've got to get work done today! Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister.

Rebuilding the panhead in the apartment. That is great. I had a friend who had a nice panhead. He pushed it more than he rode it. Feel free to hang out here. A few of us are a "little" off, but everyone is nice.

Honest.

The place is in the woods on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake.

Walking away from the BPD does work. When they follow is when the plan falls apart. Need to work on that part. I do know that there is no possible way to win a argument with a BPD. No way!

miracle.

You were fashionably late to the party. Pac man is installed. Air hocky and othe cool things are on the way. Juke box and dance floor. Check.

Nell.

You do not have to be able to lift a bike in order to ride one. Many Harley riders could not pick up what they ride. A smokin hot biker chick should be able to get assistance with any problem concerning a downed bike. Big dork?

nofun.

I guess we can have a parking area for "rice burners". You have to promise to not start any debates concerning Harleys.

Laura.

How are the ducks? Update please.

m3.

Speaking of updates. I think it may be time for a Baby Paddy update. Please.

Allgood.

How about a old fashioned soda fountain/malt shop room. We could all have malts and root beer floats before going to the sock hop.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh! Yes, Baby Paddy is walking so well! And babbling, and talking. She desperately wants hair, but honestly I think she'll be lucky to have any before she's 3.

I think PT will end soon. OT will be long-term but I was so proud of her today because she made it through the whole hour without a meltdown for a change. She's working on desensitizing to cold and different textures she doesn't like and also feeding herself with a spoon, manipulating objects, etc. She's doing really great.

She's also getting along great socially and has started teasing her brothers! So funny. She doesn't quite see The Pharaoh as a kid but she still loves him very much.

Funny conversation from the M3 house this week:

Me: How come you don't want to be a member of Team Smudgie?
The Pharaoh: Well, you know Mom, I'm already a Banana Slug
Me: I understand. (Laugh) This is the most ridiculous conversation and yet we both understand it perfectly!

And he laughs too.

So, Baby Paddy has this sensory integration problem where cold just infuriates her -- and yet you know how kids like popsicles. Well, the other day I gave her some Beef Teriyaki on a stick and she was just overjoyed and excitedly exclaimed "Meat Paa-sicle!!" It was like she'd won the lotto. Then again, she's quite the carnivore...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.. Inside my body It felt so good when you described Baby Paddy. It took me back and my face smiled. To think this time next year, I will have a son that graduated college! Where did all that time go? Enjoy now.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Baby Paddy. So hungry... want a meat paasicle! Oh, I miss my babies... who are now big boys and don't like kisses.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3

Thanks for the update. It sounds like she is really doing good.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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