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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken and Jollum-

What worked for me with wedding anniversaries was to reclaim the day!

After d-day I kicked my FWH out of the house and filed for divorce!
I changed all the locks and refused to speak with him. All of our communication was via email.
My FWH was extremely remorseful and immediately went NC with the OW and started pleading for reconciliation.

Long story short- he did a lot of work over the 6 months we were separated- massive IC, AA meetings every day, christian counseling, MC.

So..after 6 months I agreed to let him move back home.

It turned out that the day of his move would be our 30th anniversary!

I decided that I needed to do something to reclaim that day or I would forever see it in a bad light.

So, we decided to have a recomittment ceremony in a minister's office that morning (just the two of us) and we exchanged new rings.

My husband promised me all kinds of things- to never hurt me again etc.
I wasn't there yet...so, through my tears I spoke about how no one had ever hurt me like this but that I was comitted to trying to save our marriage.
That was what I comitted to.

We also stayed in a beautiful,romantic, country Inn for the weekend-dinner, beautiful room, big country bkfst the next morning, beautiful scenery.

Reclaiming that date and creating a new memory for that date really helped me.

That weekend ...has become what I think of when I think about my anniversary.

I think of it as our second chance at happiness.

Before the recomittment ceremony we both went to counseling with a local minister (neither of us where members of this church or even this particular denomination! LOL!
After d-day we were drawn to attend this particular church and together-that was one of the things we did as we began our healing journey...attend church again.

well, anyway, when I met with the minister I asked him... what anniversary am I celebrating? Is it my 30th? or do I subtract the 5 yrs of the LTA? or do I consider this our 1st anniversary? like we are starting over?

and he said... that with time... this anniversary will be woven into the fabric of our life and marriage...
I pictured this quilt or tapestry decorated with all the threads that make up a life together- good , bad, happy, sad.
In a long term marriage we experience it all.

so, I count myself as a LTA survivor, our marriage has survived and in many ways thrived.

I saw a quote right after d-day...and I think it applies to all of us here on LTA..whether we stay in our marriages or move on.....

"It's never too late to live happily ever after."


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's never too late to live happily ever after."

Thanks honey. I needed that tonight.

NJ I often feel like you and Tryn are our own personal cheer squad - always coming in to egg us on.

Thanks.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the good words. It feels good today. I do owe most of my R to Retrouvaille. Me, I dug right in a tried to heal myself. My w was not feeling so good and could not R without my pushing. It was pretty black and white for her. I cheated, I'm a bad person, what is wrong with me, I don't deserve a good man, I want to just run away. Retrouvaille is relationship training. It worked for us. I have never been treated so well in my life and now I will never accept less. Is it perfect? NO. nothing is ever perfect.


Hey UK....
If Sarah Palin can quit being governor of Alaska, I see no reason to be afraid of quitting the caretaker of a pet. A lot of people get dogs to find out it is too much to handle. I say just take them back because there is nothing wrong with that in my mind. ďI have discovered I just cannot properly take care of these animals.Ē You are being honest.

Anyways, I hope all have a great day!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I'm talking to much but it really has been great to hear from so many of you and feel like someone FINALLY understands.

Miracle, I haven't read the serenity prayer in a long time and it truly helped. I'm thinking about having it tattooed on the insides of my eyelids

Question: Have any of you had a problem with intimacy? Since DDay we had a month or two of HB and ever since that it has been downhill. Not on her part but on mine. I just do not want to be intimate with her both in and out of the bedroom. I find it increasingly hard to have her hanging on my arm or trying to cuddle with me in bed and not say something that will start a major argument. It's like that part of me no longer exists. FWW was my one and only and that seems tainted now and I just can't get past that feeling. Any words of wisdom from the tribe?


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,
I just do not want to be intimate with her both in and out of the bedroom... It's like that part of me no longer exists.

Been there, oh, in fact I'm there right now! See me waving? Helllloooooo!! Don't know if it helps, but I have been told that the intimacy/feelings of attraction returns as you begin to feel safe with this person again and as you learn to conquer the mind movies. (TIME!) My IC has said, "Well, Nell, what he has done is singularly unattractive. What is he doing to make himself attractive to you now?" (ummm... not schtupping a COW? oooo, baby, yeah.)

I'm sure you were looking for something more inspirational than that, but I'm still wrestling my demons so that's the best I can do.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,

Our IC/MC said that when there is disruption in the emotional intimacy, the physical sex act is the first thing to go, and the last thing to come back. I find some truth in this. What sex we do have is for me much less of an emotional expression than I remember. Much more of a physical act only.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jollum.. Your wife is not tainted. If you leave your W, your new partner you find will have had sex many times, and with many different men. Will they be tainted? Are you going to find a virgin? No. These women are not tainted. Just because you have sex with someone else you are not tainted unless you bring home some sort of disease or something. That is a physical.


For me, even at 31 months post Dday, I can easily visualize my W in all kinds of sexual positions with her former lover. If you stay and R, you must come to understand, accept, this is part of your marriage now and part of your memories. You cannot change it. For me, I am OK with it now. I have this, so what, I am being treated very well right now and we are very intimate with each other.
BTW, I once cried over seeing these images. I bet I cried maybe 200 times plus? In time, you just can handle the hurt. Life is not fair. People can have bad things happen to them. It just happen that my bad thing is my wife loving another man while loving me.

I agree with ats....

I donít think your issue is sex. Your issue is in your brain. Too me, I think you are missing intimacy. You can get it back, if you want it back. There are lots of barriers to intimacy after infidelity. You want to build it back? Then there are things you both must do. It starts with sharing feelings with each other over things, like sex.

My W and I share our feelings. It really is something we never did much after we go married. Not many guys can get in touch with their feelings. Itís hard to just share feelings. Feelings are what they are. Feeling change and influenced by what you do or do not do. I think I have worked through and discussed with my wife about every feeling I have had associated with infidelity.

Let me share a real life situation that happened to me just this month.

My wife kept telling me, letís move the vows renewal date. I said why? she gave me this and that excuse. I said, Ok I will call, then she said, No, donít worry about it. Then again, she wanted to move the date.

Finally, It hurt my feelings. I told her my feelings. I feel rejected. I felt like and end was coming. It was a 9 of 10. Like I am coming to a red stop sign. I felt uncertainty. It was like walking down a prison hall coming to a corner, about to turn it when the escape alarms going off, I donít know what is going on.

She then told me her feelings. She is embarrassed. She was afraid that our kids, our priest, anyone that found out about our renewal, would think of her very negatively. She is full of shame for what she did. She is so embarrassed and sahme ridden, she feels like to face the priest in church is like tug of war with an elephant.

And me, I hurt just hearing her say those things after so much has happened. I told her, I donít want her to feel that way. I affirmed her! I told her nobody is making me renew vows with you. This is because I want to, and it is for all the great acts of love you do for me. I love you rub my back. I love you work and contribute to our household, l love the great meals you plan for me, I love the great discussions we have over a glass of wine about every night. I love you go to the Colts games, our to dinner, movies and so much more. You have never ever failed me when I was injured or sick. Youíre so generous in your touch, your feel. She came over and planted the biggest kiss on me and said, I love you is this tone I had never heard before.

I look at that as true intimacy. Itís no wonder I feel so good about keeping my wife. At least today, I can know her true feelings. I listen these days. I donít discount her feeling in any way.

I hope you can discover it too.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:37 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a beautiful post Tryn. I'm happy that you and your wife have found your way back to each other.

Jollum: It takes time, the pain is still raw. As long as your keep moving forward together and try, it will get better. .


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,

You are correct. My real problem is my brain. I never thought of her as tainted I thought of our relationship as tainted since she threw it away. I am having an extremely hard time accepting what has happened and letting go of the fear I have of it happening again.

There I've admitted it...can I be done now???


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having an extremely hard time accepting what has happened and letting go of the fear I have of it happening again.

There I've admitted it...can I be done now???

Sorry young grasshopper. You can only be done when you can let go of your fear it will happen again. It may happen again, but when you have healed you will realize her A was never about you, that while you once wanted her in your life you never needed her, and that no matter what she does, you will be ok.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jollum-
Long term affair= long term recovery.
It takes a very long time to recover from infidelity, even longer to recover from a LTA even with a very remorseful, caring WS!
It has taken me over 4 yrs to get to this point.

About physical intimacy... I was separated from my FWH for 6 months...so when we reconciled he was so.... happy and so... grateful... and so affectionate....and then of course came the HB.
After that...it was a roller coaster of emotions for me.

What has helped me through this is doing things together again...experiencing new things. Dating. The closer I began to feel to him the easier it was to handle the intimate moments.
I also found that at times trying to just 'touch' lovingly as opposed to having sex was a good way to ease into it all.
So.. we did a lot of massages, foot rubs, taking showers together, etc.
I actually bought him a book on how to give massages etc. for a birthday gift!

But, to be 100% honest ..it's been over 4 yrs since d-day and I still have not had sex with my FWH without thinking about the OW and/or the LTA. Granted, lately, it's been more like a passing thought and not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning..but..I have not yet gotten to the point where I can completely forget about the LTA ..especially during those intimate moments.
My husband's LTA was extremely...sexual... and I have lots of emails that the two of them wrote to each other...very graphic, over the top stuff...kinky, etc.
Not at all anything that I would be interested in engaging in.
so, sex has been tricky for me...
it's a journey....

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:29 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
Like you I try to stay focused on how my husband is behaving today. How he is treating me today.
And.. he is being the ideal husband.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

You can only be done when you can let go of your fear it will happen again. It may happen again, but when you have healed you will realize her A was never about you, that while you once wanted her in your life you never needed her, and that no matter what she does, you will be ok.

very very well said...

question: why didnt you go that mans funeral, wake or shiva call....??? i get the sense that this death has erupted some feelings within for you...and i cant quite figure out what type....your own reflections regarding your own sich or rather your thought processes prior....

jollum: i am glad that others especially our men folk jumped in with answers for your question....this is one area i really do not have issue with because there is no intimacy or sex goin on in the miracle house....nor will there be...


as to your other comment:

Sorry if I'm talking to much

first off...there is no way this is gonna happen...and second..there are a few of us who can give you a good run for your money if you got any....

post here as often as you need or want...we all do...this place has special healing powers and some laughs too..


nell:

What is he doing to make himself attractive to you now?" (ummm... not schtupping a COW? oooo, baby, yeah.)


miracle house:

manchild still biting at me....thank goodness we gots family therapy tomorrow...although i dont see a calm on this particular horizon for quite a while...

had ic tonite...i needed it...one of my safe places...i seem to be overcome here and there with a sadness....one of my fellow walkers actually commented on it today...said i seem to have a sad aura..which i thought was extremely perceptive...

girls nite...need it bad...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a very thought provoking post by uncertainone in the WS forum. It is worth reviewing if you have not. In general, I have apparently kicked a hornets nest. I am curious to look when I have time tomorrow, but I think it is revealing a clear difference in feelings about WWs versus WHs.

A bad evening for me. I had a meeting at work that included her OM. I thought I was OK, but became physically ill tonight.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats)))

listen you may never be ok when you have to deal with this man....and thats ok, it really is...he played a large part in your pain...


(((ats)))

i will check out the post now...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, very perceptive of you. The public revelation of this man's infidelity was, in retrospect, the trigger that alerted me to FWW having an A in 2007. She and a well meaning friend convinced me it was all in my head. I went on to 6 months of IC and 1.5 years of taking medication for anxiety. She went on to a 2+ year A with her last OM. This man had been a powerful figure in my life and in the community. I excused his behavior, blaming his BS (who I did not know). Then it happened to me. I thought I could separate this man's considerable good from his frailties but when it was time to go I could not. His ex-wife was better than me. She attended.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:08 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been staying away from SI as FWH has been stuck like glue to me. It's been a stressful, roller coaster ride these past few days. DS17 had a blow-up with but the two of them seem to have started to work things out. DS still have not asked for details of the LTA and I will not share them unless he asks. DS told me last night that he feels like his dad has died. I know that feeling....

Yesterday started with FWH making the case for me to move out if we are going to S. You can imagine how that went over. I was less than thrilled and let loose. An hour later FWH finally seemed to appreciate my point of view and he backed down. At the end of our "talk" I challenged him to be the man I deserve. (I also told him to never again bring me flowers from one of the warehouse stores.....NO flowers from anywhere that also sells tampons!) He has agreed to move out in 4 weeks after DD22's college graduation.

We are meeting with a financial specialist tomorrow to start the process of finguring out how we're going to pay for this.

I'm feeling pretty lost tonight. On one hand I want the S, on the other I hate the thought of being alone. We didn't tell DS17 that we are S but we will this weekend. Older son, DS24 will be home this weekend as he is the sponsor at our younger son's confirmation on Friday. DS17 is having a hard time keeping this "secret" and needs/wants the support of his older brother and sister. So, we'll tell DS24 this weekend about the LTA and that we are planning to S. We're not filing for D at this time.

I don't feel any attraction for FWH...no excitement or even comfort when he hugs me. I just stand there like a statue. I think my deep feelings for him are gone. Can that be true?

Okay...confession time...I'm a little disappointed that DS17 didn't stay mad at FWH for more than 3 days. How crazy is that? I should be relieved that DS17 is handling this so well, instead I resent that he's already coming to terms with the infidelity.

My stomach is in knots and I can't sleep. What is wrong with me? One minute I'm sure that I want FWH gone from my life and the next I think how easy it would be to just slip back into my role as the supportive and loving wife. That would be so much easier.

am coming up on 11 months since DDay (DDay was 6/29/10). I'm so angry at myself for letting this sich go on so long. I'm not sure I have the strength to handle a S.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post tonight.I appreciate you letting me vent.

ETA - Although I've been reading what is going on with the rest of the Tribe, I just don't have much to to add right now. But I do think of you all every day...Miracle, ats, Honest, njgal, Laura, Nell, Tryn, UKgirl, m3, dipstick, nofun, Allgood....and the newbies...(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by strongish at 11:50 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,

Move forward with what you need. FWIW, separation can be a positive step. It was for me at almost a year after dday, and separation worked for njgal too.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just big hugs to everyone. XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong, Your DS does not need to know any details. It really is none of his business. Nothing good can come from it. He knows. That's it. I told my DD to stay out of it and allow us to work through it. My IC told me once do not involve the kids. Take that professional advice. Donít do it.
No attraction... Can that be true?

Attraction feelings come when you both are loving each other.

I know Strong, I would not expect you to feel attractions. It hurts so bad at just a year from dday. At 9 months, my anger was so strong, I lost it. I grabbed my W and threw her to the ground in a yelling rage every one in our whole neighborhood heard. At a year post dday, I can remember going on a 12 hour vacation and my mind over and over and over thinking, Fantasizing about my Wís sex, hurting OM, crying without tears. It was the most excruciation road trip ever made.

All along my first year, I was flip flopping between S, D, and R. My feelings were so up and down. But at 12 months, I finally decided to R. I made it a full commitment. Maybe you should consider a step back and pause for a while. Allow his exposure to sink in. Go ahead and tell your other kids. The feelings of exposure is going to have some type of profound feelings to your H. He may not show It, but it is my bet this is eating away at him is a big way.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:38 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]


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