i am breathing.....and by the time tonite comes i may be breathing some fire....i need to keep control the kid derserves a good peaceful event.....i will keep control, if i keep saying it maybe it will stick.....actually i know i will keep control, i always have....of course i didnt know the extent of the evilness on all of them before, whereas now i do.....that saying ignorance is bliss...damn its true....knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss....what a conundrum....at least though i now know that in ignorance i used to wonder about so many things, at times question my sanity...i dont do that anymore.....ok, nuff ramblin.....need to divert...sooooo.....
welcome to you dare2trust...good for you, posting......and since you lurk you know the drill....dont ever hesitate to post...and yes we all have so many similarities and parallel lives, its almost kind of scary...its like we each are made up of different pieces of one another....our ws's too....and they all have stupid in common for starters, because we are an awesome bunch..
nell: you know all the anger, keeps you in a safe place....or at least we think our anger keeps us safe, but in reality it doesnt....but we cannot avoid it either, we need to experience that anger, we have a right to be angry...so we need to work through it, each and every issue....although i dont think its so much of lots of issues...more along the lines of one....being hurt by the one you loved and trusted.....and then add to that, the person you loved and trusted continuing to hurt you(us)......yup i would say that you have right to be angry and if you werent i would wonder why not......
there are so many emotions that we need to journey through and unfortunately there really is no express train through it....cant miss any stops...but when you arrive....walla...peace.....of course i have not arrived there yet so i cannot attest to its really existing....but i believe....
fun: i am glad you are coming together on the homefront...and as for your dd...thats gotta hurt, especially since she knows about you and the pain....remember we cannot control anyone but ourselves....you cannot control her stupid choices, but while she is living in your home you can control some of the rules she needs to live by....
good luck on your talk tonite...
purple: yay...i love that you are working and more importantly getting on with life....so yay
so you are thinking more and more about leaving????....if i may ask, why??? what is prompting the thoughts behind it....???and remember never ever make rash decisions...although i am pretty confident that you won't...
strong: i am glad he is finally being rational....i hope it stays that way....how are your ds's coping with their newfound knowledge and do they know that you will be separating?
i feel so much beter now, yay....
DP – a job meaning you just don’t have time to give too much thinking can be a good thing. But don’t let it mean things are rug-swept or shelved. Your marriage needs as much attention as you can both give it from now on. But pleased to hear the job’s going okay.
Miracle – when does DD come home? Just take a breather and enjoy the day. Sweet 16. Bathe in the innocence.
Okay, gotta go. Had lunch in the sun, H has now woken up. Time for tea!
BTW, dogs go to Labrador rescue trust on Sunday. Weight off my mind. Maybe I did them a favour in the short term. Hope so. They are really sweet and will make some family (families) very happy. I’m running………….
Fun: Glad to see you & H on the same page. Hope all goes well this weekend.
In "me" news - small pat on the back for not calling H this am, despite my urge to call and tell him I miss him, it didn't have to be this way, blah, blah, blah.
Yay for the first week on the job, and for having something positive to focus on!
I saw something on TV yesterday that had me chuckling and thinking of you... the main character was getting back at someone and taped an alarm clock to two road flares and hid it in the guy's carry-on suitcase.
My IC has said that "I have every right to be angry, and probably should be angry." But I'm done with it. It makes me feel bad to have it, and it's not constructive any longer. It's time for it to lie down and be quiet.
Just breeeeaaaaathe and escape whenever possible in reality or in your head. Practice inner peace. Pretend to be the Dalai Lama for the day.
Someone will quickly fall in love with those puppies... never fear.
hard to fathom how someone can be so utterly selfish to take and take and take, do exactly what they please in such an entitled way and then dump the person who has been their mainstay, their foundation, the very one who has allowed them to reach their goals and giving them every support and then just squash them underfoot when they find some parasite who steals and absorbs the life
That's huge! Good for you! After a couple of weeks (max) of mindful 180, it will become second nature and you will be sooooo much happier/more peaceful.
I'm missing people from the previous page. Hello, everyone on the previous page!
Where is dip?
Been doing some long hard thinking and also a little more detective work. Finally found a secret phone, and WS's story that OW4 pesters him is not quite true - she sends him sicky luvvy txts, and he texts back XXX. So yes, he is actively involved with her, its not fully PA, but they do meet for lunch from time to time. Yuck.
Anyway, any ideas of R have flown out the window.
DDs exams MUST take precedence now, so 180, a virtual in-house separation. Looking forward to the truth finally being told when DD has exam results.
Have a great weekend.
you can do this. You can have a good life without someone that does not love you.
I admire DP and Allgood here. They are stepping up to the plate and moving forward. You can do the same.
Go hire an attorney and get it going. I can assure you, if you make an effort to improve your happiness, it will come!
Good luck and you are in my prayers.
He said it was "nothing", it just stopped him being depressed, and surely it was better than taking tablets. Well no actually, because I end up carrying the pain of the depression, and the tarts are only human prozac (not that I give a shite). Just a stupid excuse. His stock answer to my questions was "I don't know" - like "why are you entitled to a wife and a girlfriend?" Oh and I phoned the OW from his secret phone, in front of him. I said hi in a low voice, and she said "hello darling! I'm surprised you phone now" so I asked her why she was calling my husband darling she hung up.
He actually doesn't love her, but he sure as hell doesn't love me the way I want and deserve to be loved and to love.
Anyway, after much tearful remonstration I finally told him to eff off and sleep on the couch, which he did. I had a relapse this morning, but I am good and strong now.
So yes, ducks in a row time. And ...
Tonight - going dancing with friends, its a regular thing. WS usually comes along very late just for the end, this morning I said I would prefer it if he didn't come at all.
Sat & Sun have workshops 10-2 each day, so won't be around the feckless, faithless, lying, cheating man who forgot how to be a mensch that is WS for any lenght of time.
I've been lurking (a lot) but not posting. FWW seems to finally understand why hiding something from me sent the wrong signals but I find I'm now in a previous place.
I'm a loner at heart but you would never know it if you were around me at work or in a social setting.
I have the greatest extended family in the world. When DDay happened I was overseas and tried S. When I finally came home all of my siblings, nieces and nephews were there for me, literally. One of my nieces met my flight in NY and flew all the way home with me. My siblings lived at my house and took care of everything for the first two weeks. My cousins were checking in too. If I ever doubted how much I am loved by them, their actions cleared up any possibility of doubt. The problem is that right after that initial first couple of weeks (FWW was living elsewhere as I told everyone I wouldn't come home if she was there) I really didn't want to be around anybody. I just couldn't deal with any family get togethers or anything. It's taken me almost 2 years but I finally started gaining enough strength to be around people again. Now since FWW pulled her anti-trust move I'm right there again. I really and truly don't understand it but all I want to do is be alone. Festival season is starting here in the midwest and FWW keeps suggesting we go to some of these with my family members but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love them all dearly, they have done everything to support me, but I just don't feel like being around anyone. Has anyone else had this problem or is it just me?
PS. I hope everyone has a great weekend and we can all come back on Monday with something positive.
PPSS. To all guys of LTA thread. There will be beef hitting the grill once if not twice this weekend as well as vegetables steamed in the coals...the weekend is looking better already
i am so so sorry....and i am glad you came back...
sometimes the hardest things to hear are truths....especially when we want to believe....
and remember he is a liar, he has not told you full truths, so if he is telling you that its not full on pa....dont believe, i know you want to but for your sake dont believe...
have you been tested for std's....you need to be tested now and 6 months from last contact....
sometimes life sucks...but and this is a big big but...it does and can get better....
i am happy for you going out dancing...go for it...
find the things that make you happy and do them..
as for what he can do, give him a list and let him know that there is no half assedness about it, he is full in or full out....starting with zero contact....
allgood: i know how hard it is....you literally feel that urge that i need to shake it into you urge....and turning it off does not exist, so finding a way to ignore it sometimes is the only way...kind of like when that moment strikes and you gotta talk yourself out of it..
honest: i am so praying he doesnt come...you are beginning to get your legs under you....please keep them under you and stand tall and strong and tell him not to come, you need time...especially since he already divorced you in his so called culture...
nell: i can understand being tired of being angry, i am too...i want peace...but the only way is through it to the other side.....you are still hurt, and the hurt goes hand in hand with the anger...when we are coming out the other is side is when they start to balance...not more of one then the other....and then both will begin to ebb....and its a sucky process...
m3: yes let it all hang out here....in ic and here.....it gets really really rough when the emotions get the best of you.....as i am writing this to you i am trying hard not to cry myself....when you have to face people and things that bring it all into focus, more then that when it slaps you in the face its hard not to feel its sting....but we will survive and we will thrive...
we are a stromg group of peeps here...we will all survive and we all will thrive...reachiing out for help is the bestest first step...and even you lurkers....you may not post but you get something out of it, you know you are not alone, and so many things strike chords with all of us....the similarities are astounding....
and i love that we have every end of the spectrum of healing in here....from those that are raw, to those of us battling with this for some time...and for those who are healed...bless you the most for keeping coming back even if its only now and then....it helps all of us from the newbies to see where they can and will go to the oldies who can remember how far they have come...
off to get my boys now...and shortly off to the dreaded party...but i am going to think positively...this child turning 16 is celebrating a very special birthday and for now she is as healthy as she can be....so i will help her celebrate...must repeat this to self a thousand times....and the evil inlaws can jump off a cliff....prefferably a very high cliff, with lots of sharp jagged rocks....ok, ok so i am not that nice....wishing bad things on bad people....but fuck it
i always feel better when i come here...i feel like singing the cheers song..
I'm glad you came back. The 180 will help you, but it will take some time. In house separation is hard...we did that for a month before WH started to defog. Good luck and stay strong.
I'm very much and introvert and something of a social loner, also. I can go months without really leaving the house (except for work) and be perfectly fine. But...that kind of isolation really isn't healthy. I know this isolationist tendency I have contributed to the climate of our marriage over the last several years. I'm working on that with IC. Sometimes, you just have to force yourself to go places and be around people - because it is better, in the long run, for you and, by extension, your M.
That being said, I certainly don't see anything unusual in being in the occasional funk and just preferring your own company for a while. Just don't let it go on too long.
I think it can be both healthy and unhealthy to be an introvert. Not a thing wrong with solitary pleasures. But if you are depressed being alone is not healthy. Which is it?
As far as festival season, sometimes, people you love need to be loved in a certain way. What your wife may need is the love of quality time and that may mean with family at a festival. Me, I love festivals. In fact, tomorrow, wine festival for me and then celebrate my 50th bday! Lol.
I was 50 once. I'm now working on my second 50.
I really don't know if it is the depression or something else that makes me want to be alone. I do suffer from depression and (surprisingly) started taking meds within a week or two after FWW began her A. I think my gut knew there was something wrong then but my trust in her wouldn't let me believe it. I am on and have been on an enormous amount of prozac since before dday. I've been taking the 1 week dose daily for several years as well as welbrutin and my dr has had me on about everything else at one point or another. I've cut back a little recently but then it seems my anger really flairs up. I am just so tired of this roller coaster. Funny thing...After I tried S on dday my FWW and my Pastor both wanted me to get off of the prozac because they were sure that's what made me do it!!!! No one bothered to realize that perhaps the thoughts of my FWW having sex with another man and lying to me about it for 4 years had anything to do with it!!!
I don't know how so many of you on here can live with the situations you're in but lurking and seeing you get through each day is strengthening my resolve to heal from this.
I'm glad your suicide attempt failed. I don't know if you have children, but I have a friend whose dad succeeded (after he had an A, which broke up his M) and it hurt her immensely.
WH's twin brother claims to have attempted suicide a few years ago. (I say claim because the conditions surrounding it sound less like suicide attempt and more like accidental overdose while attempting to get high, and it would behoove him professionally and among the Rescuer family for him to carry the "depressed" label instead of the "drug addict" label.) In any event, that's sort of a neither here nor there... because of course it affected WH deeply. The COW, knowing this, threatened suicide multiple times (empty threats... as she is still here skulking among us as far as I know) whenever WH would try to sneak away like the dog he was (is?) in her highly successful reign of emotional manipulation. Anyway. Where am I going with this? X marks the spot: I am deeply offended by anyone who uses threats of self-harm to control. I am ANGRY when people threaten suicide or self-harm to control when others actually need help and attention.
ETA: Dear Nell, Judgemental much? Yeesh. Sorry about that.
I hope, jollum, that you have the support, help and attention you need. And I'm glad you un-lurked.
I'm a bit of an introvert... or maybe I'm just comfortable with myself... I enjoy people, but I don't get antsy if I don't have interaction all the time. But my job relies heavily on correctly "reading" people and interacting well. And I excel at my job.
My parents are coming for a visit; they are due soon. They are lovely, wonderful, lovely, healthy people. (If a bit Lake Woebegone-ish at their core.) They have re-welcomed WH, knowing that I have one toe in the marriage lake, and one in the not-married lake. In short, no drama.
I will be back when I can... have a good weekend, all.
Willow, happy dancing.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:46 AM, June 5th (Sunday)]
Honest- One strawberry! LOL I bet it is extra delicious!
and..like Miracle... I'm hoping that your good for nothing STBXH is not really coming back to haunt you so soon after his last visit!
You sound so much stronger and in such good spirits lately.
Allgood- Good job on not breaking the 180. It is hard though when your heart is saying one thing and your head is saying another.
M33- How did your IC appt. go?I hope it was helpful.
Miracle- Hoping that the Sweet 16 party was a success and that you survived the wacky inlaws....
Nell- The stages of grief include the anger stage. We go throught the same stages as we grieve the marriages we thought we had.
NoFun- I agree that your suspicion about your DD cheating on her BF could be a big part of your trigger.
I went through this last year when my sister found herself in the position of being an OW! The guy misrepresented himself to her but...she continued to see him much longer than she should have. I was triggering left and right and finally told her that I did not approve. I did not believe that his wife was as bad as he represented her to be and... I did not believe that the guy and the wife were not having sex for years...and..I told her that I would not allow her to bring him to my house etc. until he was legally divorced! She ended up breaking things off with him until he was divorced. Ironically, he is divorced now and not dating my sister.
But, yes...triggers galore.
Laura- Hope you are feeling better today. I wonder if your thoughts on your marriage are not just part of the endless emotional roller coaster that the BS is on.........
Just dropping by quickly. FWH is doing work on DS's car.
EMDR this morning. I am feeling very tired but good. Over the last few weeks we have been through all the big ones - his affection for his OWs, my imagining him with them in bed, my fears I wasn't "good enough" as a person, physically, in bed etc, my anger at his treatment of me pre and during his As. I could go on and on. Basically she has knocked out the emotions. The pain and anger have both receded to almost nil. She has suggested another 2 or 3 sessions and then that's it! Wow.
For me it is really working. I have to say I went in 100% committed to getting rid of the emotions. Maybe that is why it's working. I don't want to be angry or hurt any more. I want to get on with my life. It is hard in some ways to be like that - to let go of the feelings - but that is what I want.
I wonder if your thoughts on your marriage are not just part of the endless emotional roller coaster that the BS is on.........
Perhaps. Maybe it is the plain of lethal numbness. I don't know.
My aim is to be "pain and anger free" so I can really evaluate if this is the marriage I want. Rationally, calmly and without all the A shit clouding my judgment. This is why I believe I have been thinking about leaving or rather S/D lately. Not because that is what I want but because I can now do this calmly and logically without getting upset. It is really quite weird.
Today I told my EMDR lady I was having lots of sex related triggers that were interfering with my ability to enjoy intimacy. There were a couple of things which I found really distressing - stuff I think/know he did with them, and insecurities i have about my own body as compared to theirs. At the start of today's session I was bawling my eyes out and my heart felt like it was breaking imagining them in bed and doing stuff. By the end I found it hard to bring up the images and even when I did I felt nothing.
So... a magic bullet?/ For me yes. Healthy or rugsweeping?? IDK. I don't care.
I suppose if I was honest I would have to say that I'm a little worried that at the end I will no longer care about him at all. Maybe I won't. Don't know if I care either way.
It is not uncommon for EMDR to result in "rages" shortly after - which happened to me after each of the earlier sessions - so maybe there will be fireworks again in the next day or so. IDK.
Sorry to be all about me at the moment. I can't write too often as FWH is always around. He doesn't complain when I am on SI but I know it makes him uncomfortable. I wanted to put this out esp for both Nell and Fun who I know are considering it.
I wouldn't recommend it for everyone simply because I don't think it would work unless you really want to let go or banish the emotions. I was quite frightened going into it and it still scares me a little but I figure I couldn't be worse off than I was when I started. You have to make a decision to do some "exercises" when the triggers hit between sessions to calm yourself. If you don't want to do this I don't think it would work. In other words if you let the triggers take control of you then you take yourself backwards in the process. Hard to explain.
He's still outside so maybe I can keep going
Will start another post before this goes "poof"