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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp

So happy the job is going well.

Miracle

By my calculations the party should be just about over. Hope you survived Ok and the fireworks were mild or fizzled

allgood

Good on you for not calling. Stay strong honey.

M3

Hope IC went Ok and you are feeling better

Willow

So yes, he is actively involved with her, its not fully PA, but they do meet for lunch from time to time. Yuck
.

Whatever it is honey he has to stop. It is so unfair to you.

He said it was "nothing", it just stopped him being depressed

Honey I am saying this as gently as I can but HOW DARE HE SAY THAT????????????? I won't call him names but I really want to.

Anyway, after much tearful remonstration I finally told him to eff off and sleep on the couch, which he did

Way to go girl!!!!!

Fun

I know how you feel. I hate to say this publicly but believe I must. I found out my gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, darling daughter was an OW 3 yrs ago. She was with MM for nearly almost a year. His W was also cheating on him. I hate that I ranted and raved to FWH about how ashamed I was of her and how terrible it was that she was doing what she was. He was finishing with OW2 at the time and shortly after started with OW3 - arsehole!!!! The MM was 20 yrs older than her and a sleaze. She was young (20), naive and admits now was totally sucked in by him (BTW he gave her an STD! - she had only had one other BF and I doubt it was him)

Anyhow, I can relate.

Have to go kids are home and FWH has finished with car. BBL if I can.

Love
to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:45 PM, June 4th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

I think you are heading in the right path.

As I read your EMDR and your post, I look at myself and wonder why I donít hurt too much anymore. Itís like Iíve somehow had this EMDR happen to me in a natural way. Itís kind of like exposure therapy. I travel a lot. During my travels, I could have hours of time to just think about what happened to me. I relived so many different things so often that I naturally found a way to turn it off if I wanted to turn it off. It started by me always calling my parents, a friend, my kids when I wanted to stop it. It takes a long time.

I then could come here to SI to discuss infidelity, understand it, feel other people pain, try and help others too. Along with all the books I have read about this subject and discussing with a couple of truly great divorced friends.

Itís like I have re-lived all this so much, it just now is part of my life. I still have thoughts and if I want to, I can make myself hurt. But if I donít want to, I can switch it off. It really did fall all on me to help myself.

And my wifeís role? It was about her just making the choice to love me. After Retrou, she could understand that she needed more than the love of touch. She needed the love of service, quality time from me with our family. Of course she also needed the love of affirmation, something Iím not sure I ever gave her until now. Today, Iíve learned how to give her the love of affirmation in different ways. It is not the easiest thing for me to do. You here on the LTA board are sometime practice for me but I do mean everything positive I say about all you fine folks. LOL. I do all this because I choose to love my wife.

My W has shared with me that she has not been attracted to me in any sexual way for years. But we stay at it. We have changed these days by greeting always with a kiss and hug. Every time we greet. She never turns me down for sex. I try and be very considerate to the frequency I need that love of touch. We both do this because we choose to love each other.

Last night, for the first time, my wife gave me the most meaningful kiss I have had in years. It totally caught me off guard. It was the first time she has initiated anything like that to me and me believing is was real. All that choosing to love each other might just now start turning into so good feelings about us again.

Thanks everyone for the bday wishes. I will have a good day. You have one too!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRYN!!!

WHOOP IT UP!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - curious to know how the party went.

I fell off the wagon.
Last night, I was upset, but all I said to him was that I was so angry with him - I said it very calmly. He asked why & I didn't respond.
It's been 2 weeks since he tried to have sex with me & this morning I asked him why. I do realize the stupidity in this question. I was just feeling hurt that he seems to be over me & perfectly fine. (Yesterday I checked in with him about him getting ready to move out & he does seem like he's doing everything he's supposed to, even tho he hasn't found a place yet, he is looking, setting up his own bank acct, etc.)
Of course this is good, but it still stings. I just feel like he didn't miss me while he was in the A & it's really no big deal to lose my company now.
Then I rounded out my pity party by reviewing some pics of OW.

I'm pulling myself out of my funk, just thought it was only fair to share my failures alongside my success stories.

Hope y'all have fun today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in briefly again Ė Donít have much time while FWH is off work. He has brought the job search down to two, both in the same field but diff roles, diff expectations and diff size companies. The bigger co pays substantially more than the smaller, but the smaller is nearer home and he kinda likes the idea of that. On the other hand, the bigger one means that we can move to an area we fancy in a couple of years when DS16 has left school and he can stay with the same company. I am trying to be as uninfluential as possible. There are triggers regarding the bigger co Ė he had been working for them for a couple of years when we had d-day. So, understandably, I wonít be drawn.

Happy Birthday Tryní! Bit late, hope it was a good one!

Laura, there are a couple of EMDR practitioners here I could go to. One about 20m away, another 25m. The nearer one is an ex-high ranking police officer dealing with PTSD and such like, and having read his website, donít really fancy it. I might try the other, but itís a bit of a trundle across country so Iíll have to chat with her first I think. I remember Lost Heart thought it was great and brought her on in her healing and ability to get out of the trough. Maybe when FWH has started his new job, Iíll look into a bit more therapy for myself. Iím still scraping my confidence off the floor. Sheesh. Canít even cope with a couple of dogs. Still, they go tomorrow.

and surely it was better than taking tablets.
I have to say I have never heard that excuse before. Wow. He needs to stop now. No more contact. And the tabs and a consultation with the GP is a far healthier choice than shagging some tart. He needs some serious therapy.

Jollum, take the support of loved ones. You might be feeling pretty blank right now, but they will hold you up when you need it most. But I guess at your core, you know that to be true.

Miracle Ė howíd it go?

Gotta go......>>>>>


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Ouch! looking at pics of the OW! Like pulling off the bandaid on a scab!
I know... I do it too sometimes..even now .
( I know... Miracle has been after me to get rid of all of my affair related evidence-emails, pics and such but..I'm still not ready to let it go.)
In your case you can go ahead and have that pity party... your husband's actions are so unbelievable.
Why isn't he fighting for you and the marriage?
I can see your confusion.
Is he just that conflict avoidant? or could he still be in contact with the OW?
That's what some WHs do...they leave if they think there is another woman there to take over as his caregiver etc.
But..we all know that a relationship that starts out as an affair has very little chnace of lasting- less than 5% or something like that.
Still... your husband is frustrating me!....
I can imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you!
Hold on, take care of yourself, focus on your kids...you will survive this and you will thrive!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Tryn! Ditto on Laura's HBday post to you.
I'm sorry for the reason you entered my life but very glad of your continued presence and sharing here.

Welcome to the newbies and unlurkers. Hugs to all... {{{LTA tribe}}}

FWH is home from his week-long business trip (Thurs. evg late) but we haven't had much time alone together yet. He is a 'fall asleep when his head hits the pillow guy' while I have a CFS/FMS sleep disorder that has me lying away - tired but not able to shut off my brain - so our communication leaves some thing to be desired. Yesterday we drove 2 1/2 hrs each way so my M-i-l & a visiting cousin from the UK could have lunch with another cousin. They are all in their 80's so this visit is likely their last get-together. We took our 23 month old GS along and he behaved beautifully & napped all the way home. He is such a happy baby and sunshine in my life. I'm always tired but happy on Fridays (my day with GS) and FWH knows this is the case; maybe the only day that I am close to the me I was before D-day.
H went to the gym this a.m. and is now taking the UK visitors to the airport. We are working on R but I still have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment. My/our last IC/MC was Nov/10 before his sister died and there's always something preventing dialogue between us about the A esp. since I'm the only one wanting it. As we approach our 38th anniv. on June 9 and he'll be involved in hosting a work-related AGM, my feelings are all over the place. I'm sure he has no idea how much I dwell on all the circumstances before, during & since D-day and that SI-LTA is my refuge.

Have to run... he should be home soon and I need to be outside attending to some bedding plants.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost- I sent you a pm


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Tryn

Thanks. I do think EMDR is best for me. In some ways I think I have taken the "short cut" (that everyone on SI says doesn't exist) for dealing with the aftermath. I only hope it is a long term healthy "cure" and not a short term fix. We will see.

It really did fall all on me to help myself
.

I am not sure I have the courage or fortitude to do your way. I just hope my way works.

UK

I have to travel 200 miles (3.5 hours each way on our lousy highway) to see my EMDR lady and it is worth it. I hate travelling (by car) and it has taken up the whole weekend for us for the last month or so. Still worth it.

Lost

I'm sure he has no idea how much I dwell on all the circumstances before, during & since D-day and that SI-LTA is my refuge.

Although I am only 1 year out I can relate to what you said about FWH not realising how much we still hurt/obsess. Sometimes I feel very lonely. As each day we go through the usual routines I can honestly say that there would not be 15 minutes go by when I wouldn't think of something to do with the As. Sometimes it's fleeting, at others the mental torture goes on for many minutes or even hours. I think I also resent that he goes on blithely oblivious to the constant barrage of unpleasant thoughts and memories that assail me.

I think this is one of the reasons for the incredible anger we all feel. Our lives are pock-marked with craters from the constant "shelling" of our consciousness. They, on the other hand, seem to cruise on and often their only response to awareness of our triggers is a sort of cringeing and a look that says "oh no, not again".

Don't get me wrong- FWH does try hard but I know that deep down he hopes I won't bring anything up and when I do he really doesn't want to talk about it. he doesn't say that (never has) but I know that is how he feels. He just says he's so sorry repeatedly - hoping I know that I will stop talking. He never says anything cruel like "Why can't you get over it/ let it go/ go on with life" etc and even says all the good things that show remorse but I know that what he did is not constantly in his head as it is for me.

At least now with EMDR I don't feel much if anything when I think about the As. I still find I think about things but the pain and anger have gone.

HUGS to you all esp the lurkers and those who have been quiet for a few days. Hope you are all OK.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my word for the day is "meh."

Spent most of the day in frenzied posting here to keep myself occupied. Took a shower, got dressed up, bought a B-Day present for my friend and went to her party. Stayed a couple of hours.

I mentioned to jollum my isolationist tendencies - I can feel them creeping up on me. I went because I made myself. I was looking forward to the par-tay earlier in the week, but by the time it rolled around I really did not want to go. It takes a lot of energy for me to be in social settings these days, especially ones where I'm on my own and really know so few people.

Talked to a few friends, sat around and tried to *not* look alone, talked to my friend's parents a bit, then claimed I brought the wrong mystery medication (on the sly, to my friend and her husband) and needed to scoot to keep my timetable.

So, it wasn't too bad, externally, but internally it's been a "meh" kind of day.

I really, really hate this crap.

Tryn
Belated birthday wishes! May I please blame my social anxiety for not saying so before?

Allgood,
Letting go is sooo much easier said than done. Of course you'll have setbacks, or snaps, or bad days or whatever you want to call them - except "failures." It's not *your* failure to try to save a M in the face of LTA and discover that's it's simply impossible to do alone. It's just a fact - a rotten, painful, suckfest fact, but not any failure on your part. And it's not failure to feel it keenly, either. The failure lies with those who do not feel the loss, not with those who do.


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tribe...

first and foremost...i am a little late for the party...but happy happy birthday to you tryn, i hope it was a wonderful day for you....


the party: well there were no fireworks, lots of drama....all behind the scenes from the birthday girl who looked positively beautiful....

the inlaws looked completely through us which was such a relief and i felt free...yay...

there was a point where pfm was walking, his father was exiting the mens room, saw pfm and turned completely around and ran back in....

totally pitiful excuse of a father...and worse for a grandfather....my nephew (pfms brothers kid) saw his grandfather, said "hello poppy"..the man looked away...this was to his 14 year old grandson...then my bil, stupid stupid asshole decides to bring both his boys across the room to say hello to both their grandparents....the grandfather claims he didnt recognize him...meanwhile how many kids call him poppy, and even if he didnt hear him, there is still this kid saying hello and he decides to ignore him and look away...both grandparents hug the boys (ages 17 & 14), then my bil tries to say hello to his mother and the woman tells him...dont talk to me, go away...she turns around and goes over to her daughters table.....with that my fil decides to give the boys a letter, instructing them to read it, now, later or tomorrow but to please read it...and then he starts rehashing all the bad shit with bil in front of the boys...thankfully all guests are called at that point to take their seats for the candlelighting ceremony....

i found out about the letter this am...it was a letter pfm had written to his parents a little bit after d-day.....the letter was for them to sign blank checks for pfm to gain control of the money he had hidden with his parents...the parents had to sign for him to get it....(nice set up for control)...the letter also told them in some pretty to the point terms that they were sorely lacking in the parenting dept, and that he now knows what unconditional love is from us his wife and kids and his own mil, ...the letter was really a "putting them in their place letter"...it was worded without being nasty, not easy to do, but it was very critical...anyways so this man, pfms father gave this letter to my bil for his kids to read....WTF...how stupid is that....makes him look totally idiotic...

pfm and i think its to divide and conquer somehow....if the brothers battle it makes it easier to try and come back in to control....giving them power..to involve the kids in the adult shit is just so adolescent....from a 72 year old man...

there was more drama, little odds and ends, but it was all behind the scenes thankfully and none of it directly involved me, pfm or my kids....saints be praised...

my sil is still driving me crazy since her husband and kids were the ones directly involved....its been a long day...

on other news...dd is home, and she had a great time but is glad to be home.....and its good to have her home...we spent the evening with friends celebrating a close family friends birthday, so the day ended nicely and now walla, here i am....

i am happy that the party is over, we did the right thing for this kid and i feel free of these people....of course the xanax did its job and helped that along.. god bless that little itty bitty pill....


catch up with the rest of you time...

ukgirl:

glad you have a plan in place to get rid of the dogs...a plan that leaves you feeling good about your choice...

jollum:

we cross posted the other day, glad to see you again..

2 things hit me from that post..the first is that you have an amazing family, and that is awesome to have such a support...

and the other is youre being a loner at heart...i can relate....i like being alone, love it even sometimes....there are times i crave it, i dont like big shindigs, with just a few exceptions...4th of july being one of them..which is a day we host a huge shindig, with all the people who matter in our lives...and it has become a day of celebration that means more to my kids then any other day of the year including xmas and birthdays....its a day of fun connection...when you feel the love, enjoy the peeps who surround you...and then when its over you are happy to be alone again....kind of twisted irony....

anyways the point is, that when i do have it i think i soak it all in, and its like a sponge, i feel it and dont necessarily have to have it rewetted to know and feel its still has the stuff in within....and by the time it does dry up, the process happens again, whether it be by small scale occasions or large ones...and it sustaining, very sustaining...and i am content to be alone with myself...not a whole lot of people like being alone with themselves.....maybe its like that for you too...

your next post...well when i saw you tried to commit suicide, well i am glad you didnt, glad you are here, and pray you never feel that way again....yes there will always be days that suck, where you think its just never going to get better....but it does and those days pass....please always remember that....it passes....


roses: i am so impressed, jumpin right in and able to respond to all...it took so many of us months and months, we were so overwhelmed with everything that being able to respond to another was impossible, not because we didnt want to, but couldn't, we were to wrapped up in pain, barely able to function..so majoe kudos to you....keeping up and posting....yay...you are a true survivor already...and you seem to have it together....so yay again...


as for the meh days...they happen, and i guess be happy that they are only a meh, in stead of a AAARRRGGGHHHH, or a ...the rollercoaster aside from being the ride from hell is also fustrating as hell too!!


nell: enojy your parents, i am glad they are good people, and more imporantly, good in laws which is really making them a better parent...


laura: i am curious,... what do you feel when you have all those thoughts...and do you feel like you are losing feelings for your fws?


allgood: thats not too big of a fall, dont sweat it...its hard to be able to "see" and they dont...


and yes njgal...i say its time to get rid of them...or at least put them away away...in an attic, hard to reach but still accessible with work...


soul: its good to see you, and its so good that you have your gs as well as others to lose yourself in....children give such innocent joy, and if you allow yourself to be swept away with it, everything seems better...so its really good that you are finding joy....i hope you find other areas too for that joy, whether it be a hobby, classes or the gym...find something that brings you smiles....


and what would he do if you just booked a mc appt?...would he go?....i think you should try it, and then tell him when and where to show up!!


hope you enjoy the cousins..


oh and one more thing on the miracle front: pfm when told of his fuck ups, says "if i stop fucking up, is there a chance?"....and has tried asking this several times...my reply....not goin there...

seriously...just stop fucking up period...do it for you asshole, it won't work trying to do it to make someone happy, that is why you are not successful, its something you have to decide for yourself, then choose accordingly...EVERYTIME and commit to it!!! not hard if its what you want...but obviously you dont want it enough....asshole...he is his fathers son....one more stupid then the other...i pray for my son!!!i pray the circle stops...

nite all


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- Glad the party turned out ok for the kids.
But, I have to say that your FIL's behavior reminds me very much of my BPD NPD mother! It's this divide and conquer type of approach to parenting. In my case she has always been very selfish and dismissive when it came to the grandkids....not that interested in them...because you see-she is the queen that everything should revolve around. And...the drama... well she would stir it up and sit back and enjoy watching the children fight it out.
If you have a chance you should google BPD ....especially as it applies to adult children.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:09 AM, June 5th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Your feelings toward your husband right now could be due to the work you are doing in EMDR. It certainly does dredge up a lot of bad feelings and forces you to focus on the worst of your fears, memories, etc.
It was very difficult for me when I tried it.
I think it was too early in the process for me and I was still too much of an emotional wreck.
I think the process is similar to cleaning out a closet...in the middle of the process when all of that clothing is strewn about your room things look worse than before you started! Its not until you make all of those piles of what you should give away and what you should keep and then re-organize your closet that things look better.
So..in terms of your EMDR...you may be in the middle of the mess.
Hopefully when you complete the process all will be well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've spoken of this book before. It continues to help me with my PTSD due to the LTA.
Dr. Ortman's Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.
And the advice applies to those that decide to reconcile after infidelity as well as to those that leave the marriage.

Here is an article written by someone who did divorce but continued to suffer from PISD:

According to Wikipedia, the definition of post-traumatic stress disorder is as follows: "A severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event which results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individual's ability to cope."

I am convinced this is what I have experienced for years since discovering my husband had an affair with my friend for well over a year. I discovered this bit of news Jan. 6, 2006. We divorced March 12, 2007. I have not yet recovered. It seems Dr. Dennis Ortman, author of Recovery from Infidelity as a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, could tell me why.

According to Ortman, the phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. He discusses this book in Spirituality and Health Magazine:

"Many who discover a partner's infidelity have lasting reactions similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, like people whose lives have been threatened in war, natural disasters, violent crimes, domestic violence, or auto accidents. They are traumatized by the loss of partnership and security."

Victims of adultery are consumed with fear, rage and helplessness. They often relive the horror of the discovered adultery at unexpected times, and consciously and subconsciously dread the thought of another betrayal, hence living in a state of heightened anxiety. As a result, relationships become ever more difficult. This, dear readers, is why I decided to write about this topic today. For those who suffer from post-infidelity stress disorder, read on. It's those triggers that will keep you up at night, keep you from thriving in new relationships, and keep your new partners searching for answers.

Ortman says, "Forgiving the adulterous partner may seem impossible, but is necessary for inner peace. Understanding what pain, suffering, and character flaws led to the affair can replace anger with compassion. In the end, only through forgiveness from the heart can one can be released to love again without fear."

In the book, Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing Ortman creates a clear and distinct diagnosis of the post-traumatic stress disorder related specifically to infidelity and the treatment he proposes for it. His six-stage methodology includes forgiveness, spiritual realization, self-assessment and a path for moving on.

In an excerpt from this book, Ortman says:

"Some marriages end with a whimper, and the couples simply grow apart. However, many others end with a bang. All too often, couples separate because one partner has been betrayed when the other has sought a fulfilling love elsewhere. While the numbers vary in the studies, some recent researchers have estimated that 37 percent of men and 20 percent of women have had sexual affairs sometime during their marriage. (1) More tellingly, 40 percent of divorced women and 44 percent of divorced men reported more than one sexual contact outside their marriage. (2) These are not just impersonal numbers; they represent persons who have experienced untold pain and confusion with disrupted lives. If you have been abandoned by a lifelong partner, you know how overwhelming and unspeakable the hurt and outrage can be.

""Unless you release your anger and desire for revenge, replacing it with an attitude of kindness, you will not feel contentment. That is a strong, uncompromising statement. (Well, you got that right, Dr.O, that's a strong, and frightening statement if I must say so myself.) Nevertheless, my personal experience and clinical work confirm its truth. You forgive for your own sake, so you can mend your broken heart and find peace. Arriving at that place of forgiveness requires an extensive preparation of the emotions, mind, will, and heart. A forgiving attitude is the fruit of purposeful effort, a cultivation of virtues, and the healing of inner wounds."

OK, just to reiterate, one of the six steps to salvationóand the key to moving onóis forgiveness.




Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying a belated happy birthday.

1st anniversary of DDay. If I hadnt entered it onto my phone calendar I would have forgotten about it.

I have moved forward ever so slightly...it gets easier with time..

thank you so much tribe - I am forever in your debt.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

1st anniversary of DDay

So sorry honey. BTDT

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp,
Thinking of you today.

tryn,
Hope your birthday was wonderful, memorable, loving!

miracle,
WOW.

roses,
Very well said!

njgal,
On "forgive" vs. "accept"... I can get to acceptance, and that might be enough for now. With forgiveness, according to the "How can I forgive you" book, there are steps (amends) that the hurting party must take in order for forgiveness to happen... truly, it's not just another heavy piece of baggage that the BS has to carry around. Acceptance (feeling kindly toward the other person, understanding the person who hurt you so deeply, etc.) is possible and I think would cut out the cancer. Anyway, makes sense to me. But I seem to have a block against using the word "forgive."

Must run. Thinking of all of you!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP - my thoughts are with you on this difficult day - but I'm happy to see that you seem to be in a good place. That's the way I tried to view DDay antiversary anyway - where I was a year ago & where I am now. You are in a better place now than you were then.

Miracle: FIL behavior is definitely whacko, but glad you and your family were unaffected by the madness and that your daughter is home again.

Nell/NjGal - I could forgive under certain circumstances, none of which have been met here in my house. True remorse, a true desire, need really, for the WS to understand how he/she got to the point where he/she allowed an A to happen & continue. Taking actions to make sure he/she's not vulnerable to an A in the future. Unquestionable loyalty to the BS and committment to the marriage.

In a brief converation had with my stbx yesterday, he said this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him (the impending divorce), yet, like PFM, can't seem to be able to do what's necessary to keep the M.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

purple: glad you forgot about it and sad you were reminded....take it off your phone and make some new memories....this past antiversary i too forgot and was reminded by a friend sending hugs...that when i decided to make a new memory associated with the date...

thinkin about ya and hopin you are making those new memories...


allgood: too bad there isn't a school to sent these idiots too....teach the ws to become a healthy individual who not only learns what to do but DOES IT!!!


the drama continues with my inlaws...getting worse...and thank god we are not directly involved....i feel bad for my sil and her kids....this is one issue that pfm seems to have done somewhat right....he is no longer bringing these poor excuses for family into my life and our kids lives....although i think knowing that i would throw his ass out without question might also be a bit of an incentive... ......for now he is claiming to "see" them for who they are....so, ok, as long as you dont bring them back into our lives...ok


(((tribe)))

its a beautiful day here in new york...hope you all are having the same.....and more importantly enjoying it....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thursday night I was out of town. Friday night fww was tired and went to bed early. Saturday she worked, today she worked. I kept plans and I am (alone) listening to a band at dockside bar. Next week I am out of town 4 days. She was to travel with me, but work and her family came up next week.

fwwho?

ETA: it is impossible to be angry with a rockin' seven member show band blaring soul and blues.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:54 PM, June 5th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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