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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greetings all,

I've been of course lurking but not able to bring myself to post a lot. Thanks to each and every one of you for the kind thoughts I've seen in so many of your posts.

I would love to try and address each post but by the time I finished the thread would be LTA-26. I am praying for all of you.

My sich has taken a downhill turn and I don't have time to write it all out but I told FWW today that I'm just tired of trying and her not understanding. She has tried but you know as miracle was saying about trusting your gut, I just don't feel like she really gets the deeper things. I think she is mouthing the words and just really and truly can't understand the depths of her FOO issues or what it is to look objectively at yourself and others. I told her I'm just tired of waiting on her to figure it out. No big blowup or anything just a sadness has come over me. Well I've got to eat and run to an appointment. I will be "lurking" at you all later


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is bad financially, this job paid less than what she made a few years ago, but still was needed income. Other job options for me longterm (2-4 months), including the one I mentioned. I do not have an offer, but I know some of the people and program, I would be a strong candidate. The only thing stable in my life just now is me.

It really does not seem she was doing a bad job, to the contrary she was doing well at a review a couple of months ago. I think she is a victim of some politics and struggles at the board level.

Still, with the economy as it is and the recent state cuts, it is a harsh job market. This may force us to make some uncomfortable financial decisions in the short term.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, you sure do crack me up all the time. You gonna smoke a dubbie this weekend?

Ats… Sorry about your W losing her job. This is one of the toughest stressful times in life. Life is so hard sometimes. I got fired about 15 years ago. It hurts pretty badly. (To me, Infidelity = 9.8 of 10; job loss = 6) At times like this is when life with a partner is so important. Someone you can lean on for support. This is just one reason marriage is so important and never risk jeopardizing it because you never know when it’s your turn to face things that don’t go according to plan. Ats, don’t be afraid to tell your W how you need to be loved. Then accept it when she does it.

Iwant… Weiner is kinda like your H, did not value fidelity, huh. I feel bad for what his W is about to go through. I am sure she is hurting right now.

Wow jollum! Are you ready for the pain that comes with end? It not going to be easy but this may help you out of your depression. I hope you the best.

M3… Codependent No More and How Can I Forgive You? Yep.

Anyways, I wish all of you new highs!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the record, I have never smoked a dubie. Never having been offered one until last year (when I felt that, at 38 years old, it might be a bit past time for my first chemical high).


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 - Glad you liked the book. I found it to be very enlightening.

ats - So sorry to hear that your FWW has lost her job. The economy is in the toilet. Another stress that you don't need...on the other hand she was using her job as a "medicator" to keep from having to face your sich. Maybe this will work out for the best.

Roses - Keeping my fingers crossed that the biopsy is negative.

As fo rme...FWH comes home tomorrow from his one week retreat/workshop. He has been without his phone for the past 6 days so it's been very quiet. Honestly, I'm dreading his coming home. I'm sure we'll have plenty of deep discussions. Sigh....

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey jollum, glad you posted...its ok when you go within, just dont get lost there, kkkk

there are times when you need to go within to reconnect with yourself, your core...but one needs to come out otherwise you get can get lost in it all and it can put you into a depression...so lurking is fine, but touching base with someone at least is important too, so dont underestimate it, kkk

we all need human interaction....and we need with people who are genuine, and people who have more then their self interest at heart....cept of course if its a paid therapist...they dont do it for free, but they are literally paid to give a shit...and so they do, or at least the good ones do!!


m3: ok, miss lawyer its time for you to take out a contract with yourself...

worded:

"i m3 hereby promise to never make another choice, another decision or take another action without first considering whether it will be in my best interest or the best interest of my kids, thereby taking MY path of least regret"

stop sabatoging yourself...you seem to self sabotage every time you are faced with making a decision YOU want to make, you allow him to have his way,you appease him and end up having some regrets about it...

so learn how to take a time out when considering anything, especially the big serious stuff....and he will learn to wait whilst you contemplate what you really want to do, or need to do!!!

ats; i am really sorry...that sucks...


nell: wow never smoked one...i have smoked more then my fair share...every now and then i debate smokin one....just to be able to feel free and to laugh, and laugh and laugh....wouldnt want the munchies though, i like my weight..



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww, thanks miracle.

Nell -- you don't have to BE codependent to read the book; but it might give you some real insight about your WH's relationship with his evil twin...

miracle, I know just what you're saying there. I really do. I put it to myself a little different when I came to a better realization of it a little while ago -- that I cant' let whatever I feel get in the way of doing what is smart.

Just about to go buy Dobson's Love Must be Tough on my Kindle. I have IC tomorrow, and I'm also going to squeeze in some M3 time. I found Al-anon and CoA meetings for 3 days next week. I think Al-anon is going to be the huge key to all of my everything problems, honestly. When I was reading that book, and realizing that both of my parents were raised by alcoholics and seeing the lists of behaviors -- it was just Ho. Lee. Shit. Thanks so much again strong.

Yeah. so there you go. My big thing I keep chanting to myself is "I need to be well now. Anything that gets in the way of that must go. I've worked too hard for too long to beat this illness and I need to be well now. Period."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - so sorry about your W's job loss. I know the stress involved, I'm trying to keep my business in the black and have had to cut back and then H was forced to retire because the state is messing with his benefits. And all the rest of the shit we have on our plates. This too shall pass.

M3 - you sound like you have a great plan....I'm following your posts.

I can't comment on everyone's posts, I'm just not that good. I need some motivation as I have slipped into a slump and hopefully that doesn't mean I'm heading for a depression. I just have no desire to do "anything." I've put on 10 pounds, have become a lazy ass, and I think the alcohol has caused the weight gain plus lack of exercise. Grrrrr....I just can't seem to talk myself into doing anything for "me" these days. I'm scared and feel horrible about myself.

Peace Out All....

maybe I should switch to doobies?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,
It's a bit of a catch-22, isn't it? Exercise would make you feel more energetic, but you don't have the energy to exercise. Is there a meet-up group that goes for walks or something in your area? Some way that you can be "accountable" to others for doing what is good for you? (Which is sometimes the only way I do anything for myself... when I feel obligated to get off the couch and do it because other people will notice if I don't and/or I've already paid for it so I have to do it.)

m3,

it might give you some real insight about your WH's relationship with his evil twin

That sounds scarier than Stephen King. Maybe I'll download it onto my eReader and read it while ET and Al-GF are here. Sort of a live study.

Oh, about that. We invited WH and ET's eldest brother and his family (SIL is a friend of mine) over on Sunday. Found out yesterday that their parents are also going to travel here and will join us. If you notice no drama in your life this weekend, it's because all of the drama in the universe is barbequeing at my house. Actually, it will not be drama-filled like miracle's IL gathering... everyone will be polite to one another (especially since there is a "stranger" among us in the form of Al-GF) but the strain will most likely be palpable. ET and FIL have very similar issues (narcissism, aggression) and therefore DO NOT get along.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((nell))))

i hate hate hate inlaw shit....so i will so be prayin for ya, that its over quick with as little drama as possible, hopefully everyone will be civil enough to not bite...

(((fun)))

i agree with nell, join some kind of group...there are times you just have to go through the motions...i have been doin that since d-day....somedays the motions are better then others...i still dont have that umphh to do most shit, force myself to do....and i am always glad i did....and it never stops, the circle of doin when you dont wanna....

hoefully goin out tonite...another girls nite...was makin plans for manchild who needed ride info because he too will be out...and when i told him to text me because dad may not be home too and i need to know he got home safe...he asked text not call...i told him no, it would be loud where i will be,...with that he looks at me, really looks at me and asks:..."mom, are you goin to a club"...
me: "yes, actually"..
manchild:.."thats just wrong, i cannot picture you in a club"..
me: "why not"
manchild: "because your a mom, moms dont do clubs"
me: " but i am more then a mom, manchild, i am a person who has a life other then her kids, what am i supposed to do, one day you will all be grown up leading your lives, shouldnt i have a life separate from you guys "
manchild: " NO "


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't post much - the WH and kiddoes are home with me right now. Yesterday's hang over was not fun, but I managed to get through doc visits and whatnot.

Can't say much about the legal stuff. WH reads and lurks. Don't know if he's found this thread or not. Making contingency plans, that's about as specific as a I can.

SOrry about the full on drunk the other night. Just felt so raw and wounded and wanted to stop feeling for a while.

Thanks for the outreach. I'll try to post more later if I can get a chance to read what I've missed.


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle,
i will so be prayin for ya, that its over quick with as little drama as possible

Thanks. I'm actually not terribly worried about the drama on Sunday. I will just sit back and watch the festivities and exchange looks with SIL. If you would, pray that ET and Al-GF decide to go elsewhere for a few days so that I won't have to avoid them in my own home. Yech.

roses,
Maybe we should talk in code. Dash dot dot dash dash dash? There's always the handy PM feature when you want to say something but can't announce it to the cyberworld.

ETA: The obligations also help me decide not to drink... generally if there's something I have to do (yoga, class, etc.) I can't drink until after dinner, and after dinner I don't want to drink. There's a 4:30 p.m. alarm in my head that beeps to let me know that WH will be home soon, so if I'm to self-medicate, I need to do it now.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:43 AM, June 10th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455
I think Al-anon is going to be the huge key to all of my everything problems, honestly

As someone that grew up with alcoholics and watch/wonder about the path that WH takes (and even myself at times), I can't recommend Al-Anon enough. When Dday happened, a friend of mine gave me One Day at a Time in Al-Anon and told me to take the word alcoholic and put in my WH's name. I read it everyday. It helps get me focused. I sometimes forget the message by the end of my roller coaster day, but it is still an amazing way to get grounded out of the gate. I want to burn the message into my brain and heart. So, I hope it helps the same for you.

Off to Mexico for the weekend with WH. This last week when he traveled it started out great. He communicated with me. He called to check in before and after dinner. I felt happy and secure about the trip. Then by halfway through, I felt a shift and became a paranoid lunatic. I scoured his emails, looking for inconsistencies, and was guarded and walled off by the time he returned. I know my reasons: d-day approaching, conference in two weeks where it's a drink fest, he was in a city last week where OP had put a pic on FB (after dday she opened up her pics to show places they had been and the outline of him as she snuggled beside him), he was visiting a customer on Thursday that I questioned the appropriateness of an email exchange about their ages and horoscope signs, and the triggers go on and on.

But this weekend is supposed to be about having fun, seeing if time away is still enjoyable. So, I'm going to let the heavy fade to the background (I hope) and enjoy. It will either be a glimpse into the future or our grand finale.
Catch ya later.

[This message edited by awakenedbytruth at 9:56 AM, June 10th (Friday)]


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

How am I doing? Better than you cause I do not have a bunch of crazy or non crazy inlaws heading in my direction. Lock up your valuables and keep us up to date, please. I kind of wish I was going to be at the bar-b-q. It sounds interesting and the icing on the cake is that there is going to be a smokin hot hostess running the show!

ats.

The roller coaster just keeps on going up and down. Try and keep the stress at bay.

m3.

Did you grill a pizza yet? The first time is the hardest. It is mostly down hill after that.

miracle.

Munchies can be veggies you know. I guess the junk food is more desirable. I grilled two batches of choc chip cookies last night. Now that would be a cure for the munchies. Add a couple of pizzas and some ribs just in case. Anybody hungry yet. Check out John Prine's song Illegal Smile. This song has no bad words, just a subject matter that may not be suitable for everyone or everyplace.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..2 posts in 2 days is pushing a record for me.

Miracle, your post about manchild and the clubbing just made my day! It was hilarious.

Roses, whispering, m3 and anyone else I'm forgetting. We will all make it through this because we have so many supporters keeping us going.

Ats. I understand exactly how you feel about FWW losing her job and I'm truly sorry for you. BUT...This may be a blessing in disguise. My FWW lost her job and has been on unemployment for over a year. The company she worked for closed. Anyways, having all of this extra time did give her a lot of time to work on herself. Perhaps you can encourage your FWW to read and go to counseling during the day. It's not going to solve everything but it may help if she takes advantage of the time.

man hugs to all ((tribe


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awake,
Question about your Al-Anon paragraph... you mean you are addicted to WH or your WH is addicted to alcohol? (I should probably google the One Day at a Time thing before I even ask the question, because it might be self-evident.)

dip,
As always, thank you for the compliment! I have been contemplating using my smartphone to take some video... if there's anything good to share, I'll PM ya'll.

Lock up your valuables and keep us up to date, please.

*snork* I actually went through my jewelry box and removed everything of value this morning and put it in a safe place while WH was running around gathering everything with any identifying information on it and locking that up. And I just want to point out to Mr. Nell that THIS IS THE GUY YOU BEGGED FOR "HELP" WHILE YOU WERE [CRUDE VERB HERE]-ING YOUR COW!!! But I do not. Because I have class and self-control.

P.S. I do look smokin' hot today. Even though I had less than four hours of sleep.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm sorry about your wife losing her job, but it may be a blessing in disguise. She will have more time to go to the IC which she still needs so badly. Also, she will have to deal without escaping into her job. But, you need to decide what YOU want to do. You need to focus on YOU now.

Jollum: good to see you. Have you made a definite decision yet, or are just thinking about it? All I can say, is that you need to decide between the lesser of two evils. D is very, very hard, especially if kids are involved. Take your time and write down the pros and cons of staying vs D.

Strongish: I have you in my prayers for WH's homecoming. It will be interesting to say the least. I know you will have some deep conversations, and should be ready to listen. Hopefully, the two of you can communicate better after this no matter what you do later.

Nell: Good luck with the IL's on the weekend. You need to take notes so you can write the whole thing in dramatic form and sell the screenplay for a lot of money

Nofun: Are you still seeing an IC? You sound like you are going into a depression, which is normal after all you have been through. It is hard to keep going. I think in the beginning, a lot of us are going on adrenaline, and then that peters out KWIM? Joining a meetup group for walking is a good idea. It is so hard to keep exercising when you are starting to feel like you don't care anymore. We care about you!!

M3:

My big thing I keep chanting to myself is "I need to be well now. Anything that gets in the way of that must go. I've worked too hard for too long to beat this illness and I need to be well now. Period."

Keep focusing on this. You have worked so hard for this. Don't let your WH's problems bring you down. I know you love him, I really do, but you have to focus on what is best for you and your kids, not him. It's so hard to make decisions when our emotions get in the way. We really really want something so badly that we may not look at the sitch as realistically as we should. I know I do that all the time.

Roses: You have nothing to apologize for. We do need a break like that once and a while in order to cope. It's just when those "breaks" get in the way of dealing with RL that we have created another problem to deal with. Come here and post and vent, it really helps.

awakened: I hope you have a good time in Mexico. It's so hard to put aside those triggers, it actually can be tiring and draining. Try as much as you can to focus on the present and enjoy the NOW. What I am finally learning, and it took me all my life to do this, is that if I start to trigger or get upset, I excuse myself for a few minutes, recognize that it is a trigger and has nothing to do with NOW and TODAY and THIS MOMENT. Take a deep breath and go on and enjoy the day.

Dip: Grilling chocolate chip cookies???? MMMMM. My goodness, I gained weight just by reading that. You should have your own show on the Food Network: "Grilling with Dip"

Miracle: Manchild is getting a taste of growing up and that Mom actually has a life other than being a Mom!! I've been lucky with DS 12 and 16. During the winter, I went to a Poetry workshop once a week and DS 12 would actually remind me of it. As for going out, again, I'm lucky. In the summers, one of our town beaches has a live band every night starting at 6 playing outside, and many times when me and the kids were there during the day for the water, I would want to stay and listen to the band, but the kids were bored. So now, if I go out, more like Happy Hour time, and tell the kids I am going to listen to a band with some friends, they don't mind. I'm not out late, and they know where I am. I think it's the unknown that bothers them.

The heat wave broke a little thank God. It was brutal. I better go and take my walk with the dog. Gotta get some of this weight off!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow - He's not necessarily an alcoholic. Maybe functioning? So instead of thinking...this doesn't apply to me when I read it, I put in his name. Yes, after being with him since age 17 and accepting his narcissistic behavior, I do think I am addicted to him....downloaded the book about codependency this am.

honesttoafault - Thanks. I agree, it is hard to stay present. I'll try my best and that's all I can do.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, tribe, I need your prayers. Boyo2 has a weird immunology thing that manifested itself in twice-monthly high fevers last year. The pediatric immunology experts couldn't figure it out. He went into febrile seizure once because of this (scary as hell) and missed a lot of school. Then it cleared up all on its own. Well, he had a fever last week but there was some coughing associated with it so I thought it was a virus. (Thought, actually, OH GOOD! A VIRUS!) Today, he has a high fever that came on with no warning and with no accompanying symptoms... so, prayers for another mysterious recovery, and that this one is PERMANENT. Please. Thank you.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have no time, needed to send out prayers for your boyo nell....consider them sent...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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