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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ats

Sorry you're feeling a little low.

The possibility of finding an older version of one of you LTA ladies is a strong temptation to starting over. I know that none of you is perfect (well maybe iwam is ), but you are all open to talking, negotiating, and building an intimate relationship.

I sometimes think I'd love to find a man like those on LTA. But unfortunately for us you just never know with people (except of course for you guys who are not in my real world). I've read on other parts of SI about BSs who become WSs in later relationships. So sad. I just don't think I could ever trust anyone again.

My problem would be that if FWH and I split I would be so suspicious that I wouldn't be able to build an intimate relationship. I think that's a fault in me.

I guess I could always advertise:

Wanted BH who is now divorced. Essential - Genuine promise to never cheat - no matter what!!!!

Hopefully if you do decide to S/D it will be different for you.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:13 AM, June 18th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Fathers Day to all the great guys on LTA.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Fathers Day to the LTA guys.

Welcome 0115. You’ve had some sound advice and support from those dealing with the same sort of issues, so I’ve nothing to add really.

I have no time to post, and I've only skim-read, but just want you all to know I’m thinking of you. And FWH has a new job to start on 1st July. He’s back with a company he used to work for (never, ever done that before). The guy who used to be MD died last year. The new guy wants fWH to return as the company wants his leadership ( ) and they made a very good offer to him. He has enjoyed being out of work – it’s massaged his ego by having interviews and job offers and then being able to choose. I do relate the whole interview hobby thing (he is still going to another next which he might suggest as consultancy) with his affair(s). Like a bit of a game. Still, the only triggery problem I have is that he worked for this lot for the last 2yrs of the LTA, the job that allowed him to go underground after I called him out on his irrational behaviour in the summer of 2004 when I wrote a letter to him 2wks after he started with them saying there was something he wasn’t happy about in our relationship and perhaps we needed to reassess what we wanted and where we were going………. And then he got the company car, the laptop, the phone, the credit card and he could heave a sigh of relief and carry on. I’m getting wound up just remembering it all.

Anyway, he knows the boundaries. We’ll see.

Better run. Have a great weekend everyone. We have Fathers Day here tomorrow. So it’s a total man weekend!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

Have a nice weekend.


I think OW3 is in Coventry at present. Maybe you could run her over for me??????

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats/Laura:

My problem would be that if FWH and I split I would be so suspicious that I wouldn't be able to build an intimate relationship.

This was my instant response when I read Ats' statement, even before I saw your post, Laura.

So true.

I've known this all along. I will NEVER let anyone get that close to me again. I just won't.

I disagree, however, that it's a fault of ours. I think it's a perfectly logical consequence of our experience. I also think (hope) that if I ever meet someone else & he is patient enough to wait this out for a loooong time, I could open up & trust someone again, still, not blindly, but enough to have a normal-ish relationship.
Such lofty goals I set for myself!

Anyhoo, spoke with stbx last night about visitation terms. He basically said he wants us all to be together, thinks that's whats best for the kids. I politely pointed out that wasn't the way I saw it & as I actually researched the issue, I win.
He said he would do whatever I want & was surprisngly non-defensive about it. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the fact that he seems to be sex-starved & I was wearing short shorts, but I will remember this for all future negotiations.

Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
I can see why this new job might be triggering but...try to stay positive.

It's wonderful that he was able to get a new job in this horrible economic market.
See it as a positive!

Now..you can afford to take some nice vacations together!

I know that you still struggle with trust issues with your FWH. I wish there was a way for you to be able to put that behind you.

I was lucky in a few ways....my husband had stopped working with the OW one month before dday....and his work place had deteriorated to become a truly toxic place....so now he was away from all of his toxic drinking buddies etc.

That made me feel better.

But... I also had contacts at his job and I stayed in touch with them and with the OWs husband (they are now divorced).
All of these people gave me a heads up as to what the OWs situation was post d-day.

So..I had actual proof of complete and total NC months after d-day.

All of that and my husband's sobriety has helped me to trust.


Ats- sending out long distance hugs! Try to focus on yourself this weekend. Do things for yourself!

Honest- Stay strong! Remember your sons only want the best for you.Don't give up on the job hunt. You will find something! Even if it is not in your field...any new job will be a start on your new and happier life.

Laura- glad to hear you sounding so peaceful....


To all the fathers- Happy Father's Day.

Sending long distance hugs to all the LTAers!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NJ and Allgood

I was feeling peaceful but have now put myself in a bad place. Sigh. 2 movies on cable tonight which FWH watched while I did school work. One featured a paedophile and another a rapist. I got these very bad thoughts about men. (NOt our LTA boys).

So, no I won't trust again if we split.

He said he would do whatever I want & was surprisngly non-defensive about it. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the fact that he seems to be sex-starved & I was wearing short shorts, but I will remember this for all future negotiations.

You are such a brave girl. I so admire your spunk (that's an aussie term for extraordinary courage )

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

Funny thing, I watched a stupid movie last night with Nicholoas Cage.. there was a scene where a woman walked in on her SO in bed with another woman and she dragged the naked woman outside naked and everyone saw and then proceeded to punch the SO in the face. LOL, it was quite gratifying!!

omg...i saw this movie last week, cant remember the name, but he was the driver of a fast car and was seeking to rescue you grandaughter...when i saw this scene in my head (ds was around) im screaming...YEAH, GET THE BASTARD, GET THE BITCH....the scene was perfect....loved loved loved it....

it was such an odd movie, i didn't get alot of it, but enough of it and i liked it, but found it so odd....really really odd..


also honest...do you think its time to stand up for yourself...

and for the man who flirted...its time for you to start thinking of yourself as a woman on the road to divorce...you are not a married woman in any way that counts anymore....you are on that road...


laura:

You got me here.

NO...you got yourself here...and dont forget that...this site is wonderful, its a life saver..but only because you chose to come here and be proactive....it takes more then just coming here,....we all learn from each other...

and start watching some comedies...kkk


awakened: glad you had alight bulb moment...they are so awesome....we have many, they seem to be continuous...so look forward to more....especially when that rollercoaster dips again....

and freedom is something to rejoice in, and i am not talkin freedom from the marriage, but freedom from all the shit we have put up with, freedom to be who we need to be for us, freedom in your mind from your ws's manipulations....in order to be free we have to see them...


ats:

Typical WS, he blames you for how he feels.

on the money...he is angry at himself, but more so at me....and i find that the most ironic..he truly cannot understand how and why i cant move on, take him back and live happily ever after...in his head he believes we could still have it all... ...talk about delusion...


"tr"...yup it exists....good term...they do just enough, we all have had that...or most of us have had that...just enough....that is pretty typical of p/a behavior too...kind of how my marriage was from the getgo...and now i see it whereas before i had not a clue...i believed then, NO MORE


explaining she was uncomfortable being away from me after I had been out of town and the past issues.

tell her this....

The possibility of finding an older version of one of you LTA ladies is a strong temptation to starting over. I know that none of you is perfect (well maybe iwam is ), but you are all open to talking, negotiating, and building an intimate relationship

i am FAR FAR from perfect....way way too much credit here ats....i can be a total bitch you know...just ask pfm..

my inlaws..

and manchild..

and when i am not a bitch i am still way not perfect...and i wouldn't want to be....


FWIW, I do have a new sense of direction in my life. Garmin repaired my gps plotter. I just need to get it reinstalled on the boat and set a course

me too!!


ukgirl: so is this a good thing the job he is taking...or are you afraid again...i got the sense its both...

i worry about you, you have not yet found a sense of peace....a happy place that you can escape too....even if peace is not an option all the time, its nice when you can achieve it at least sometimes....it can help you so much if you did..


allgood:

I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the fact that he seems to be sex-starved & I was wearing short shorts, but I will remember this for all future negotiations

will have to make a mental note of this tactic...

so what is the impending date of telling the kids?

and i am glad he is making this easier by not fighting you....there are so many as you know from your job that are not so compliant...i got me one of those...i know it will be a fight...its alwasy been...


njgal:

All of that and my husband's sobriety has helped me to trust.

i love being able to read this post...i love that you are feeling it and actually writing it...trust is the hardest thing to achieve...as much as he will never have that blind trust again..he has earned some and thats great for both of you...

yay


HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL OUR WONDERFUL MEN HERE AT LTA....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The possibility of finding an older version of one of you LTA ladies is a strong temptation to starting over. I know that none of you is perfect (well maybe iwam is ), but you are all open to talking, negotiating, and building an intimate relationship.

Ats: if it wasn't for our wonderful guys on LTA I would lose all hope for men!!

I just had an aha moment as I was writing this. I am an only child. No cousins on my mother's side and only 3 on my father's who I don't see much. WH was so much of my family. Family you are supposed to trust.... to rely on.....He was not just my husband, but my best friend and my family.

Damn, I'm triggering badly today.....

Hugs to all, I'll come back later.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
I've been mulling over your posts in the last two days. If I were you (and I'm not), I would bring up your feelings of "I didn't want to bring this up while you were with your sister, who ALREADY DOESN'T LIKE ME..." when you are in MC talking about the whole avoiding you after your trip thing. Because I think that's telling, and FWW should hear what MC might have to say about that one.

I went Father's Day shopping with the Boyos and am now back, slugging some vino. I HATE buying cards and gifts for Mr. Nell. I have come up with a solution to the whole picking out a card thing, though... I just go down how ever many decades old he is from the top of the appropriate card section, then over how ever many years old he is from there. Unless the front of the card says something wildly inappropriate, that's the one I buy. Don't even open it up. Don't care what it says... sign my name and lick the envelope. I can no longer stand in tears in the card store. It's ridiculous. The other option is just to buy a singing card, because they're normally pretty ambiguous.

I DON'T WANT TO READ CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE. Fine, I'll read it. But there better be an ah-ha moment in there. You all are mean. Yes, especially you, m3.

Oh, miracle. Today is the funeral. They are always so surreal. It's suddenly like you're watching people in a funhouse mirror. (I'm a Christian so) prayers to your DS. WS's friends death was huge for him, though it was a friend who he was close to in high school and had no regular contact with for nearly two decades. Still, it affected him. Menz is odd... keep gentle watch over him in the coming months.

Gotta go serve Boyo2. Love to all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to get this out. Our story. I don’t know why. Thank-you for letting me use the space. Read if you want to and sorry for being so selfish right now. I can’t respond to much. I think I’m in crisis mode. I went to a wedding today and this is all I could think about. Thanks. 0115

Little Boy… Sexually Abused at age 6, no CONTROL or feeling of safety in his life, doesn’t understand what sex is for…I’ll NEVER tell anyone about this.

Little Girl…Life is wonderful…I want everyone to love me.

Teen Boy She’s cute, she’s independent, she’s nice, she’s fun. I WANT her.
Teen Girl He’s cute, he takes care of me, he compliments me. I LOVE him.
Married at ages 19 & 20

Wedding Night (both virgins)
Young Husband THAT’S what sex is for! I WANT a lot!
Young Wife What the heck was that? This is what I waited for? This is stupid. Oh well…4 more times.

1 Day After Wedding
Husband You need to do what my mom does, cook, clean, take care of me. You CAN’T work.
Wife What? I have a career. I love to teach dance. Are you crazy? I’m supposed to quit now?
H I WILL CONTROL HER.Quit or do both, but you have to do everything…just like mom. I’ll earn lots of money and invest it, no spending. I’ll take care of you, we’ll retire happy. W Well, all right…deal.

7 Days after wedding
Pregnant

Honeymoon 5 months later
H Sex Sex Sex W I’m pregnant and sunburned this is NO fun.

Baby Arrives
W I love my baby, I love my baby, I love my baby. H I do too! Take care of him, feed, diaper, wash, I’ll hold him when you’re done…and get me dinner, oh and sex. W OK, take me out, bring me flowers, spoil me. H NO, no spending…invest only. W Sad.

8 Years Later, 3 More Kids
Wife Owns Her Own Studio, Husband Is On Top of His Game At OUR/Invested In Company

H I need attention, dinner, clean house, finances done, kids taken care of, furnace filters changed, water softener filled, change the oil in cars oh and sex. By the way how’s that dance studio?
W It’s amazing! I love teaching, I have had over 1,000 students in 15 years, I love to create, we’ve won National competitions, I have a professional dancer in LA, our kids love it too, and it’s a success!
H Does it make a lot of money? W Some…not a lot…the building is ours. H It’s just a hobby.
W That hurts. H I need sex more often. W I need a van. I got stranded again, in the hot summer, 4 kids, no A/C, some stranger had to help me push it. Please…H Fine. I’ll buy you a new van. W I want the white one please  H NO, you’ll get the maroon one. W Why, I like the white one? H Do you want the maroon one or nothing? W Fine. Asshole. H Bitch. Kids…Dad’s a Hero…He bought mom a van for her Christmas present! W I love it.  H I need more sex…you never pay attention to me. W Whatever…I’m exhausted…maybe tomorrow.

Fall 1999 W sells the studio to be able to give kids more time. H is happy.
H Now you can work full time for ME  W um…ok.


1999
Employee’s at OUR company to W Hey how come XX is always flirting with H? Why is she always leaving notes on his desk? W I don’t know…she’s a pain in the ass…probably going for a raise.

H has AFFAIR with the Divorced Flirt that has 4 kids. E/A some P/A…W heard a VM, protected H’s reputation, never outed, never told anyone, even her friends, MC, H promises never again, consequences are D, she gets the company, the kids, everything if it ever happens again. H Absolutely!! Never again! OW stays at the company. W cries every day. H says he can’t fire her because it might hurt the company. 1 ½ years later she leaves. W feels like now that she’s gone, she can forgive and H will love her so much now. H I need more sex! W WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT DO I EVER GET? LOVE, GIFTS, HELP, ANYTHING??? H We’re investing.

2006 W still does EVERYTHING! H still feels neglected, not enough sex. W gives in/doesn’t enjoy 1-2 times per week. Triggers every once in awhile about OW, H belittles her and accuses her of trying to get out of sex. W Bitter, working so hard and OH MY PREGNANT AT 42. OK maybe this is my gift for forgiving, getting through this A and I do love kids??? Can I do this?? W LOVES THIS BABY!!

01/15/11
W checks text on H phone. Who is this? H NO ONE! Somebody at work. W Why are you talking about a great date? H Nothing, nothing. W (Thinking)…something’s fishy…who is this person…so weird…OH SHIT…no it couldn’t be…he said it was over 11 years ago...haven’t thought about the bitch in 6 years Why would she be back now? Quick, check phone records…what’s her damn number?

NUCLEAR BOMB…IT NEVER ENDED.

W I forgave, I believed, I had a baby, my God, was she around the baby? Was he screwing her when I was pregnant? Why her? OMG OMG This can’t be happening!!!!!!!!!

H TT for 5 months. H scared to death. W Doesn’t understand, can’t get the truth.

End of Story…to be determined.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

It really sucks honey. It really does.

I know it's hard to believe but so many of us have stories like yours.

Briefly, I caught FWH with another woman 23 yrs ago. He gaslighted and I forgave. I did EVERYTHING for him. Got used, abused, taken for granted, never any money for what I wanted (I earn twice as much as him and he wasted it)etc. Like you I never suspected it would continue. He had another 3OWs that I know of after that.

So, yep. We understand here. It's rotten, it's horrible, it's soul destroying. Your life, your M, your heart will never be the same.

BUT you will survive!!!!

Stay strong

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((0115))))

it hurts, we know it hurts...and its ok to grieve for what you thought you had, its ok to grieve for what you didnt have and should have had...

so many of us have been there and we are here to tell you that there is life after this shit....yes we are still muddling through it, but it really does get easier and better to deal and cope....and eventually have a life....at this stage of the game where you are i remember feeling like i had no life, my life was completely devoted to my kids and my husband....i am still a devoted mom, but now i am putting the rest of my energies into myself...building up who i am....this does not define who you are nor will it define who you will be...this will be what you make of it....

it is what it is and it will become what we make of it...from now on the choices are yours....you cannot force another to do what you want, so take control of YOUR life and your kids lives and choose you...everytime for everything choose you or choose your kids...and they may not always go together....for me they dont...but they do...i choose my kids which means i stay in my marriage for now, for my kids...but i choose to only do this for a certain time and then i choose me all the time....but if i choose me all the time now i could not live with the consequences of my kids making poor choices because their world is gone....so for now i choose to let them have their world....and it is at a price...

of course there is more to it then that, but for now...just know that you will get through this....you will have choices to make and you need to to choose whats best for you...never him anymore, but you...and if he is worth anything he will not only be ok with that, but he will encourage it and he will support you, and finally step up to become the man he should have always been....

for now, though...i sense you need to grieve, so do so...and put a time limit on it, dont get lost in it and dont let it consume you...give over to it for a certain time period, like an hour or two a day...and gradually lessen that time...and find things that make you, only you, happy and do them....


(((0115)))

'
funeral was today...my boys attended and they said it was very very sad.....lots and lots of sobbing....and my boys seemingly handled it very well...they not only attended the church but went with the youth group onto the cemetary as well....they stood by their friend and i am proud of them for it...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

Is newbeg2011 your H?

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Laura and Miracle! OMG I just read both of your profiles (again). I remember you helped me on my 1st post "Mayday" and read them then too. I don't know how you do it. I agree with Miracle about the kids. I again have not told people (a couple this time) but it won't get out to the kids. Now with our little guy I just can't see D. I love my son so much and want a 2 parent home like his brothers and sisters had. I just am hitting bottom again and had to vent.

Yes Laura newbeg2011 is my WH. I found SI and it helped me so much (again Mayday) that I told him about it. We have said we won't read each others posts. It really doesn't bother me if he does.

Thanks for letting me into your world...I'm trying to get to know the tribe. You seem very close and very helpful to each other.
Miracle, again sorry for your loss today. Hugs.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115...i choose to stay to together with my ws (pfm) because my kids are all teens...and this is temporary...i deserve better and i will get better....

i have allowed him to stay because he changed from the monster he had become....if that changes he is out the door quicker then you can say jiminy cricket...

staying together for me is in name only and he knows it...staying together and living a lie is hard, really really hard...its basically an in house separation that my kids have no knowledge of ....

would i change it: not a shot...its what is right for me...if my kids were little though, i would not do this....i would get a divorce immediately if my kids were pre-puberty....


so make your decision based on what you could live with....and if you opt to try and save your marriage...great...if you opt to try and stay just for your kids...be prepared...

and if your marriage is unsavable..be prepared...

is your ws doing everything he possibly can be doing?....

there are so many questions you need to ask yourself...and only you can make the decision of what to do..from what you posted your marriage was not good prior to this...how is it now?...start there...and also go through all of the standard questions concerning his infidelity...is he doing it all right...what is he not doing, could be doing...and are you ready to settle again...and what is the climate in your house...

the climate in my house is actually calmer since d-day, pfm and i used to fight pretty much daily because he became a monster and i was not havin it....since d-day the monster is pretty much gone...i still see shades of old, but those shades are completely muted compared to what they were...


and there is no reason to really decide anything...start with a list of your needs, your requirements and your wants...and see where that takes you as far as your marriage is concerned...

our world as you put it is always open...and yes we are pretty close, we have all gotten to know each others stories which makes it easier then constantly explaining, and then there is that huge huge commonality of the lta...and that binds us sort of...

and since your ws is a member here, if there is anything youwant to talk about without his seeing it, there is always the pm feature...it has become a secondary life saver for me since my ws is also a member here...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:57 PM, June 18th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115. Wow. We trust and have it abused and thrown back at us. But you know, you are NOT alone in this. You feel you are floundering and that all is lost – including yourself. We are your support. Everyone here has their story that brought them to SI and this little corner of the LTA group. Members come and go, but we seem to keep people longer than most because we have a lot to deal with. LTA’s are a way of life. And a life that’s hard for us to comprehend. You forgave once, you gave that trust back and it continued behind your back. Do not berate or put yourself down. The fault is in him, not you. One way or another, you will get through this. You may become a different person and, if you choose to reconcile, your marriage will certainly be different. And your F(?)WH has to show he IS a changed man. These are early days for you so be kind to yourself. Don’t make any rash decisions and get IC and MC if available where you are. See your doctor if you are not sleeping or having panic attacks. Post here – sometimes venting or just getting it out helps.

Like you, I was persuaded to stay at home when H set up the first business back in 1998 when our youngest DS (our fourth) was about 4 or 5 and it stayed that way until I closed the current business just last March. Actually, getting pregnant with the fourth was enough for me to be easily persuaded to stay at home – H earns good money and I liked being at home. But now I look back and see it as control. Loving control, but control nevertheless.

Hugs.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura – filling up the diesel in the karma bus. And having dealt with your OW3, I’ll drive round to bad vibe certain MOW/WH tryst hotels and then drop by to see if MOW is ready to be run over yet. (It’ll happen one day………)

the fact that he seems to be sex-starved & I was wearing short shorts, but I will remember this for all future negotiations.
Flaunt it girl!!!

I know that you still struggle with trust issues with your FWH. I wish there was a way for you to be able to put that behind you.
I’m afraid that will only be when MOW is dead. While I don’t wish that on her, it would make my life a lot easier. The whole post dday thing just made R a lot harder – I didn’t realise it at the time as I was flying blind and trusting ( ) WH to put things right, unlike your more solid and focused situation. Hindsight and all that.

But yes, I realise fWH is lucky with the job thing. He knows a lot of people in the industry and I wasn’t joking when I said his hobby is attending interviews – he’s always on the lookout and he is good at what he does. And at 55 he finds he is still in demand, so as I said, good for his ego to have several offers on the table to choose from. I did back off influencing which job he took. When he agreed this one (going back to a prev company) I could have screamed and hit him when he said it was “unfinished business”. That’s the phrase he used for the LTA…… Aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh!!!!! But I am better than that and just raged internally.

I am learning to let some things go though. Finally. I will always be guarded and always have that “zone” to retreat to when he is away and I think I will always shrug and think if he’s going to – he will. His choice. One day I will show him the document chronicling our rewritten marriage and then he might understand my position. Of course, his view and memories will be different to mine, but this document is my truth.

(((((Ats))))) I hope you are feeling less hurt and angry today – and that at the very least you got your boat done! I sense your exasperation with FWW. When is she due back?

eta - Skyped with DS26 & DS25 (NZ). DS26 is applying for a 7yr work permit and I think DS25 might do the same.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:36 AM, June 19th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to wish the men of the tribe, and all the male lurkers, a wonderful Father's Day.
XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have time to read right now, but like Nell, just dropping by quickly to wish all our super wonderful LTA guys a Happy Father's Day!!

We love you very much. We are family here on LTA.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
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