Off to dd's to honour the dads today and celebrate a couple of birthdays too. Wish this kind of day wasn't so bittersweet!
Again, Happy Father's Day to our LTA guys. We LTA gals need our "brothers" and their point of view very badly. You guys have shown us that there are good men out there in the world.
UKgirl: Your sons getting a 7 year work permit! Wow. In one way it's good, but of course I understand how much you must miss them.
I hope all goes well with the new job with Mr. UK.
0115: An LTA is a huge trauma. There is so much to process and to rewrite our marital histories. Ironically, because of the very nature of a LTA, most of us have been married quite a while. We have a lot invested in the M, kids, house, finances, friends, a lifestyle, etc. On top of all that, our WS's have to work out thier problems of WHY they were involved in a LTA and were able to live this double life for so long and were able to lie like that. THEN, the marital problems themselves need to be worked on. It is a tremendous task.
The main thing I can advise is to put the focus back on yourself and your healing. You can give a strong message to your WH that you are open to R (if you are)but you both have to work towards it, not just one person.
Keep a journal, see an IC, tell people IRL, don't worry about protecting him, he needs to face the consequences of his actions.
Miracle: Yes!! That was the Nicholas Cage movie I was talking about! LOL, I was ready to applaud and shout aloud "You go girl!!!" And when she went to take the car and the guy says "That's my car" and she answers"I've been making ALL the payments on it, so I'm taking it!"
I wish I had the strength of character to do what she did!!
Allgood: Keep on wearing sexy clothes around him so he can see what he is losing!!! Good for you!!!
Ats: I realized when I was reading your posts that FWW will not be there for Father's Day! WTF? Look, I get a lot of why she is with the family, I did that sort of thing with BPD mother feeling I had no other choice although I'd rather be with xWH, but still there are priorities!!
Dip: I hope someone will grill for you today!
Stbx didn't even bother to ask for the day off. So he comes home at 4:45, well after the rest of the company had arrived, so I was once again left to clean, prepare, etc. with a 2 year old attached to my hip. Then, I had to pretend he was awesome for my kids.
Also had to borrow his car in the middle of all this to run out for something (mine was blocked in) & found his receipt for a new flat screen.
More ugh, tho I don't know why I react this way. He's doing what I asked him to do. I guess that he's doing it so willingly & without any apparent hesitation. That's just how he rolls tho. I am also really facing reality that I have been disposable to him for quite a while. Doesn't want to lose me, but doesn't want me that much either.
These thoughts bring me no tears tho. I am very close to acceptance.
This is a busy week for us with 2 of our children graduating. Then Fri or Sat we will tell the kids.
Apparently he has no plans on telling his mother or siblings. He knows I will tell his sister (that already knows all the sordid details) when I've told the kids & just assumes she will spread the news.
I also made it clear that I won't be attending upcoming family functions of his & that we should let the kids know that's one of the changes to expect. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to go. I told him I need to start to cut him out of my life. I struggled with the meaning of his wanting to visit in house, to do things as a family,etc. during separation for a while. I now know that it's not him trying to hang on, it's because it doesn't bother him at all, being near me. I'm disposable to him. He doesn't look at me the way I look at him and see all the things that were & that can never be, etc.
It's just more cake eating behavior. I can be the nanny for him even in separation.
So, I'm pretty clear headed today. Hopefully that remains the case as the weekend approaches.
Dip - I thought of you when I was frantically cleaning my grill after a year of non-use. You would have been mortified at the whole process, from cleaning to "grilling".
M334455 Sorry about your co-worker. Having a little one later in life strikes home here too. Prayers for the boys. Also...you were very right. I didn't want to think that you were, but you are. I have to choose. I can't just live happy but separate. My deal breaker is the lying, not the A. If I didn't have children, maybe different story.
UKGirl...Bad panic attacks. I haven't taken meds so far. Trying to hold off on that.
Honest...When does the 6 months start? From DDay or when I get the truth? By the way, LOVE the picture!
Tribe...what does pfm stand for and DD & DS I get son or daughter, but what's the D?
Not a very good week-end...weddings and anniversary renewal. Then to top it off they asked me to do the readings...ughh! Went home and wanted to get rid of ALL memories! "Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity" yeah right...take this ring and shove it up your...
I'm reading and rereading...taking notes and appreciating all of it!
LTA has formally replaced People Magazine in my life now.
m3: yes, i too am sorry about your loss of a friend...
0115: i disagree with m3, you do not have to choose yet...and i agree with her that eventually you will have to, but not now, not until you are ready and can walk away feeling like you are really done and that you have no unfinished business....or at the very least like in allgoods case, you did everything YOU could do to save the marriage but you were doing it alone..reconcilliation is a 2 person deal from start to finish...
i gave my ws 6 months from d-day to fess up to everything, including a timeline, no nc and to be 100% honest, open and transparant...he failed at all of the above...at the end of 6 months i was done, and i have not looked back since....for me, i spent ALL of my marriage waiting for him to do right by me for one thing or another, so for me i was done waiting...after 20 years of marriage at the time i was no longer going to wait for him...so that was how i made my decision...of course his not complying was my answer from him...his words said one thing and his actions said another...so for me...done....
now we still live together as a married couple...(in name only)...but the world with exception to the few i have let in, believe we are a happy married couple...especially my kids, or at least 2 of my 3 kids...that story for another time...the point...
we are living with an in house separation of sorts...and with the time he has been in the house you would think he would straighten up and fly right...NOPE...still has not...so i know my decision is a correct decision for me...
for you: 6 months is the minimum..but take all the time you need for you...if you need a year take a year...unless you have other personal business that needs for you to make a decision sooner then that...take your time...
for me, kids ages would be a factor, but thats me and not necessarily anyone else...and all of my kids are older, its not like i have to wait another 15 years or so, kwim
dd= dear daughter
ds= dear son
pfm pertain to me only...it is for my ws who is a member here and his screen name is prayformiracle
and d= divorce
allgood: why are you still the host house???
and you may not have the tears now, but that does not mean they are not there waiting...so we will be here when they decide to come...i know this will be a really tough week for you...especially when you have to tell the kids....damned if you and damned if you dont...
and dont get rid of everything...although i am not one to talk....i trashed alot of stuff....but it will be nice for your kids at some point...and your marriage was real to you....
wait until you make a decision....until then put it all away...i did keep my picture of me alone that i had on my dresser....its still there and i still love it....and i am happy that i got it with me alone....
hope all of our men had a great day...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:29 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]
D is divorce
So sorry I was right.
FWIW, I'm banned from the Wayward Forum so I have no idea who your spouse is.
Ah, and the reason for staying: well, in my case it's because I love my husband. Although he's quite cruel at times. Weirdly, I don't think he realizes he's being mean most of the time. I keep pointing it out and get surprise/improvement as a response.
Example: In the car yesterday to take The Pasha to get something he's be desperately wanting for a month (The Pasha is my 4yo son) he starts asking the boy "do you have any money?" and the little guy kind of deflates and says "no" and then, anxiously, "but I have money in my piggy bank at home, I swear I do..." and I finally have to jump in here and I say "Pasha, you don't need any money. I think Daddy is planning to buy this for you and if not I will give you the money for it." And WH gets irritated and says "Why did you interrupt? When do I ever make these kids pay for anything? I was getting around to saying I'd pay for it." And I said "*I* know that you fully intend to buy it for him, but can you imagine being a 4 year old little boy on the way to get something you've wanted desperately for weeks and you're in the car on the way there and very excited and all of a sudden your Daddy tells you that you were supposed to bring money - but you didn't know that and now all your money is at home and you're stuck in the car and maybe you're not going to get anything after all?"
Thank god, at the very least, that WH was surprised and said "I never thought about it like that. Wow. It's pretty mean when you put it that way. Pasha, I never make you guys pay for anything, don't worry. I'm getting it for you and we'll be there to get it in just a few minutes."
Well, so that's good, I guess? It's better than just chewing me out for interrupting him or something. Still...wow.
Anyway, I love my husband (not for THAT, obviously) and that's why I've stayed, but even with that, it hasn't been enough to reach R. I'm underwhelmed by his efforts, and I'd say that the rest of LTA is as well.
0115 - go see an attorney. I went last Feb, more than a year after Dday and the first thought I had when I got in the parking lot was that I should have done that right away. Having that concrete knowledge that "if we D I will have X, Y and Z" was calming and powerful. You don't have to do anything with the knowledge, but knowledge is power. cheesy.
I don't know. I think you should decide right away whether or not an A is a dealbreaker. Plus, she did. She said "it's not the A, it's the lying."
If it's a dealbreaker for a BS then seriously don't waste anyone's time and file. If it's the lying then the BS reflects what would it take to feel like I could trust and then give the WS a chance to do that.
I'm only saying this because I honestly wish I knew whether it's a dealbreaker for me. I just don't.
HA! I'm still stuck on my step 1.
Baby Paddy update: Baby Girlfriend (one of her IRL nicknames from me) HIKED half a MILE yesterday and refused to be helped even though she fell down twice. Love that kid! We were going to a nature area in a local park so it was a half mile hike to where we were going from the parking lot. I guess it's time to just put her on the pile with the rest of the puppies (thank god.)
allgood: why are you still the host house???
Well, it was mostly my family that came over & as no one knows we have split yet, it's the same old routine as far as this stuff goes.
And, I know the tears will come and I know it will be when I see the look in my kids' eyes. I've already decided that once the kids go to bed, I'm going out for a walk, cuz every time I think of this I have an immediate & intense hatred for stbx.
He is 100% responsible for breaking their hearts. And, if he even utters something like this is not what he wanted (which means, he doesn't want to leave the house. He wants to pretend we're happy family while he is free to do whatever.) or that I'm being selfish by having him visit at his place, not mine, I swear I am gonna S.N.A.P.
In some ways, this can be an improvement for the kids. I hope so , at least.
Thank you everyone for your support over a difficult weekend.
FWW ended up coming home on Saturday. Not because she missed me, but she said that she did not know most of the people there, was uncomfortable about sleeping in room with her sister and snoring, etc. After a bit of a rough transition, she watched the movie with me I had rented for the night.
Sunday was not so good. She slept until past noon. Once we were both up and going, I told her I was upset that she had again blown me off for plans with her sister. She pointed out she was home now, but I noted that was only because she was uncomfortable staying with her sister and her friends, not about me at all. Her original plan was to be gone Friday through Sunday or Monday. She withdrew after that, no talking for the rest of the day. DS15 did come home and grill out supper for me and DS18 texted a happy FD from city where he was with friends.
After I went to bed, FWW came in, touched my head, and said she was sorry for ruining my day. I pointed out she did not ruin it, I did what I wanted, I had no expectations for her. She said she knew I was upset and wanted to talk, but that she was not able to because she could not advocate for herself.
I could not sleep last night, and spent a lot of time thinking about what I want. I think all of these things tie together.
1. A partner who is confident enough about herself and us to be honest about what she needs and wants. It may be that her needs and wants are incompatible with mine, but how would we know the way things are?
2. An intimate and loving relationship. For over a year, in MC and in discussion, I have asked FWW how I can demonstrate love to her, let her know I care. She does not like a little hug, or a gift, the commonly cited examples. She says her love language is acts of service, but that she really prefers to do for me, that makes her happy. I would love to let her do for me, and we have talked repeatedly that I value time together, physical contact, flirting, and sex. She chafes at having to "make time" for time together, does not feel sexy or flirty, does not touch for fear it will lead to sex, and we have had sex maybe 4x since the beginning of the year. It really bothers me that she is trying testosterone injections to be able to have sex with me when she had no need for medications to be sexual and erotic with OM or bil.
3. Resolution of the split family dynamic. Since we were married, we have been a split family. Her kids versus our kids. She would go visit her family while I stayed home with our kids. This continues with her going alone to visit with her sister or oldest DD (both who do not like me). She now says the origin of this was her embarrassment about her family, especially her Mother. I suspect a large part was to be away from me, be a cool friend to her DDs, and flirt with bil.
4. Someone in my corner, just as I have always been standing by for FWW, stepping up to be supportive when she lost a job or there was a death in the family, or she was sick. She used to joke (?) that if I were ever to become chronically ill she would leave me, she was not going to be stuck taking care of me. I am not sure that has changed. I think if I hit a difficult path in life she would avoid contact with me.
5. Resolution of the A crap. If the 4 needs above were being addressed, this would probably not be such an issue, but they are not and so it is. She has withheld details about her A, yet says I know everything. Out of 4 pages of details provided 7 months after dday, 2+ pages addressed her A lasting just over 1 year with a co-worker, a half a page addressed 2 (?) years of sexting and phone-sex with bil, and a page for her 2+ year A with last OM. The final half page was summary/wrap up. I have told her this bothers me, she is not willing to go into more detail. It is “my insecurity”.
Clearly, there will not be a lack of things to discuss at MC on Friday.
The short shorts are a good negotiation idea. A great distraction. Using the grill once a year? Ouch. That really is mortifing. Were you wearing your short shorts while cleaning and grilling. That would add some points to the plus side.
It does appear your H still is wanting you to take care of everything. Being a nanny even in separation. That is a good way to say it.
It is just me and my W. She has zero grilling ability. Probably minus zero. I did the grilling. A pizza! Thank you for the thoughts.
Thank you for the Baby Paddy update. That was so cool. I am so proud of her.
I bet when you are not being a total bitch you are kind of fun to be around.
Hugs to the tribe.
There were short shorts involved.
That is better. I was afraid your grill was being neglected. Your stbx was just looking out for himself again! Typical.
I was very happy to hear that short shorts were involved, until I figured out that I did not know if your stbx was tv shopping in short shorts or you were wearing short shorts. Please tell me you were the short short wearer. I really don't want the tv shopping image in my mind.
Was just journaling about how pissed off I am at WH. Felt good.
m3: love hearin about paddys progress...our little one is growing up fast..
dip: so i am a fun bitch now...
men in short shorts....you see magnum pi, whom i never watched and i see richard simmons..
allgood: does he have a place yet?
about going for a walk after telling the kids....depending on how your kids react this may not happen to quite a while later...take a xanax prior to the "talk"...it will help take the edge off....
once your kids are in bed though...go for it...go someplace with some good friends, have a couple and let loose....
this fri is prom for manchild...still praying all his results come back good...
will be quite busy in the miracle house until july 5th...
we have 2 big birthdays...my mom and scrawny boy turning 16, prom, graduation, 2 graduation parties that we must attend which are both the same day, which is the day before manchlds party which will be on the 4th....so lots of happy that i dont feel quite so happy...i am happy for my kids...and i hate that it is overshadowed by the hurt, anger and pain i feel pretty much all the time...i have my moments of fun, lightness and laughter...but it never seems to last and when it does, either i come home or he comes home....since he got a new friend i have been back to feeling lots more anger...even though i knew in my gut and even told a few people of my suspicians...it was still a stab at my heart when he finally fessed up...and even more of a stab when he didnt' fess up all this new friend really was, and all the while telling me he is being a "new man"...and is being open honest and transparent...that he is now the man i deserve, meanwhile he is still the same old pfm..making his friends...they all started out as friends...all but one....oh well...laundry is callin...
will need a serious nite out when all the happy dust settles...
I don't think I should get all the blame for the men in short shorts picture floating around in your head. Allgood is the one who brought it up. I am trying to stay with the mental picture of Allgood & the short shorts. It is a much better picture than Magnum PI. I never did watch that show either.
It sounds like you are going to be a real party girl. Birthdays, proms and graduations. Do you have a good supply of xanax? You may need it. Think of the fun bitch as being like the good witch.
In answer to your questions, he has a place, I guess, since he has a new tv. Now, where the tv is remains unknown, since I didn't ask him about it. Funny tho, a few hours after he bought the tv, is when we had our visitation talk & the first thing I asked him was if he had a place because it would impact on the schedule. His response was sorta non-committal - like he has one when he needs one. Meanwhile, he's obviously furnishing the place. He had made mention of this apt before and while it's in the same county as us, it's far from convenient & he knows it. Part 2 of visitation talks will take place tonight after I kickbox. Lol.
O - and you're absolutely right about going for a walk after telling the kids about the separation - I should have been more clear that this would be after the kids went to bed & I would be left to try to reign in my tremendous hatred of him. Cuz, tho I don't hate him right now, the thought of doing this to my kids makes me so sad for them & so angry at him. You know, the worst pain comes from seeing your children suffer. And, xanax, well, I don't do Rx unless I have an infection.
And, finally, Yes! Richard Simmons! But, his shorts were waaaaay shorter than mine.
Dip: rest assured, my stbx was not wearing short shorts. If you want the full image to replace the Mangum PI version, it was a hot pink halter with shorts connected.
Peace out y'all.
(Sometimes I have all of these emotions within a span of 15 minutes. Except the barfing, of course, cuz that's just gross.)
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:21 PM, June 20th (Monday)]
I was disappointed to see the way you described your life even though it's the way I would describe mine. Moments when I get "lost" and can forget it all don't last as long as they should. This is very, very sad.
i am disappointed too and also find it very very sad..
And, xanax, well, I don't do Rx unless I have an infection
i used to feel this way too, in fact the infection has to be causin a big fever too...i am not one for drugs, not even tylenol...the headache or whatever i have has to be bad....so when you see me take a pill...its a sign that whatever it is i am experincing is pretty bad...either in pain, or illness
Sometimes I have all of these emotions within a span of 15 minutes. Except the barfing, of course, cuz that's just gross.)
ok....u is startin to scare me....i feel the same way about all those emotions too....at least i am not alone in my sybilistic life... (psst dip, i made a new word)
i will be prayin for you and your kids....not sure what to pray for either...that they take it well..cause then you will think that they are hiding their true feelings, or that they let it all out...which will make you feel terrible, but on the other hand it will make him feel worse and you won't have to worry about the kids keeping it bottled up...ok i vote for the latter...it may be worse for you to start with but i think it would be like that bandaid that needs ripping off...and it really is probably the best reaction for your kids as far as healing from this is concerned...unless of course when they let it all hang out the decide right then and there to become hoodlums to get revenge....
bein to silly i am...and not sure if i am makin any sense...so i will go to bed now...nite all