Last night's conversation was pushed aside in favor of my stbx going to play ball. So this am, I was able to go over it briefly with him.
He has no intention to visit with the kids at his place because they will dread going there, it's too small. I won't drag y'all thru the details.
Bottom line - I'm setting the schedule, that's it.
By the way - tv is apparently in my attic.
He has no intention to visit with the kids at his place because they will dread going there, it's too small.
My BFF comes this weekend with her husband; so excited... and so much to do before they get here! Not going to be posting much, I think, but will be popping in to keep tabs.
Can't post much - reading but so very busy.
All OK here.
(((((0115, awaken, fun, DP, and others))))))
I hope those sexy shorts keep reminding him of how dumb he is. When you really want to make him pay wear your bikini
Thinking of you at this very hard time.
A little worried we haven't heard from some others.
Hope you are all ok.
Love to all
Thanks for clearing up the short shorts thing. And thanks for the description. That is a much better image than Magnum PI. MUCH BETTER! I agree with Laura. The bikini would really make him hurt.
Don't let him visit the kids at your place. It's yours now. It will give him too much of the "we're still a happy family" fantasy.
We know that you still love him. We also know that sometimes (not that I'd count on it mind you) sometimes the separation is finally the wake-up call for the WS. But it can't be if he's visiting there -- and more importantly, you need him 100% out of your space to heal.
I think if you went nearly NC with him immediately after the S date that would be best for you no matter what. If you could get a friend to do dropoffs for a few months, only text him and be VERY neutral, etc. I think you personally would feel a lot better and your jackass STBXWH might take his freakin blinders off.
That's just me -- but I'm the harsh bitch who is going to refuse to buy another house with my WH once this one is sold. I'll move. I'll put my name on the title. But the mortgage? NFW.
As far as short-shorts go: I better get back on my bike, etc. if I want to wear short shorts anymore. Being on the fence has left me very depressed and apparently I have a problem with emotional eating. Ugh. Great.
I keep having this fantasy that I find out I'm dying of ovarian cancer or maybe pancreatic cancer -- you know, something fast and pretty much incurable. I *guess* that's better than being suicidal -- pfft.
Oh, and njgal -- you have been totally right about my WH being an alcoholic. He cut way back for a very long time -- but then this past Sat. he went on a binge, weirdly enough while we were doing the park trip/hiking thing. I might have written it off if I'd seen him have 5 or 6 drinks at a wedding -- but this was like 11 or 12 on a family nature hike day, including him sneaking beer into the NO ALCOHOL ALLOWED park in his shorts pockets to drink on the hike. We went to lunch before the hike and he ordered a margarita and by the time lunch was over he'd rolled through 3 of the 4 beers that came with the crabs... we stopped for nets to catch critters with and he came out with a 6 pack too... then BBQing with friends later he just kept going. I finally dragged the family out for the hour-long drive home at close to midnight.
It's not that he was obnoxious or in a bad mood, not even the next day, it's just the huge amount of alchohol totally out of context. That was what was so striking. I had 3 drinks all day. Ordered a margarita with him too, had part of a beer from the bucket that came with the crabs, and then another beer when we got to our friend's house 6 or 7 hours later. That's normal (I think.) Worst thing is, he was supposed to be our driver.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:35 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]
It's not that he was obnoxious or in a bad mood, not even the next day, it's just the huge amount of alchohol totally out of context.
M33- What you are describing is definitely an alcoholic. When you are drinking excessively on a hike in the woods...and sneaking booze ...well...there's your answer.
Now..what do you plan to do with this information?
One thing I would do for sure is not trust him to watch the kids alone.
I would not leave young children with someone who is most likely under the influence.
I just had a very difficult intervention with a relative (not my FWH!) who has a drinking problem..met up with a lot of anger and denial...
it's not easy..
[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:24 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]
Allgood- What you are describing is definitely an alcoholic. When you are drinking excessively on a hike in the woods...and sneaking booze ..
This ain't me. I must've been reading too quickly today, because I don't even know who this is - maybe M3?
As for me - I already have an agreement, but visitation is "as agreed upon" as it's too difficult to pin down with his fluctuating days off, etc. I've already told him he will visit with the kids - 1/2 day on the weekends initially to see how they do & then increase it from there. This is to accommodate my children, not him.
I don't need free time so bad that my kids will have to go be miserable at Dad's house.
I'm going to start with the 1/2 days in the belief, that my stbx's fears (or bullshit) will be proven unfounded.
It's also something that only happens every 3-4 mos. He doesn't have every weekend off.
I don't know. Everything I've read says the alcoholic has to get sober before there's any chance of "fixing" anything else.
And, you can't make them get sober...
Alanon? This book I've got on the CRAFT method? Voodoo? I mean, all I can do is keep the kids safe, plan my life so that it works without him, not enable him and see what happens, right?
Allgood: With 4 kids, it will be difficult with visitation if WH would want to take them all to his apt, even if he had a huge one with bedrooms for all. You have a 13 year old who is into sports, and that is difficult to work around, I know. Been there, done that, still doing it with being the baseball/soccer/basketball/swimming Mom.
Him coming to visit the kids at the marital home may be sometimes a compromise that needs to be made if WH sees 3/4 kids while one is at a game or whatever. You just may want to lock up your bedroom to keep it private, not that you are hiding anything, but giving him a message. He comes to visit? You go out. Period. He takes care of whatever. Yes, you do and will need the time. You don't realize fully how much he does until he's gone. I know..... xWH was hardly ever home, but when he left, EVERYTHING had to be done by me even little things we don't even realize. So take advantage of the time he comes and go out, even to the library.
I have my eyes wide open. I do know what he does & what I will have to do. I've been paying attention to the things I needed to learn & over the past few months I have learned some, will learn to mow the grass only when I absolutely have to & for the rest, like drywall patching, etc., I will pay for it.
The main thing he does is take care of the kids when he is home, run them around, etc. He wants to continue to do that & that's fine by me, that's why I'm ok with him doing all of this during the week at my house since it's convenient.
You just may want to lock up your bedroom to keep it private, not that you are hiding anything,
TOO true that I have nothing to hide. Maybe I need to plant something!
allgood: i understand completely about him doing the visitations at your house...i also think that any runnin around that has to be done...well he should be on speed dialin for it...
as for the weekends...completely at his house...or he could take them wherever..just as long as its not on YOUR turf....the only exception would be an ill kid....birthday parties...his time, his responsibility...or hopefully you will both find a way to settle into your new roles truly being partners for your kids...we have this couple that have been super tight friends of ours...so much so we named them as guardians of our kids should my mom, pfm and i die ....and this couple divorced...he left her for an ow (broke up with this woman within months of the separation)..anyways this couple worked really hard as being friends for their kids...their kids have turned out beautifully so far...super duper kids...granted she worked harder at maintaining a working relationship then he did, but he still did put the effort in...so much so that we named them both for joint custody .....and she was pissed, but put it aside to do what she had to do so her kids would have a relationship with their dad...and its rewards are still coming...
and when he picks up the kids though, i say wear some great short shorts and a pair of heels....tell him youre glad hes on time to pick them because you have plans....say goodbye and tell him you will see him the next day..
miracle house update:
its official prom after party is at my house...it will be a pool party first followed by whatever next and ending with all of them crashing in sleeping bags..manchild is a happy camper....
I have become:
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I feel I am changed in a similar way. Probably like you, it's something that can be hidden from other people, but it's there eating at me as well.
Any ideas how to change that? Is this a recent change or was this there all along? There were points where you sounded legitimately happy & dare I say hopeful about R. What, if anything, was going on then that is different from what is going on now?
On my way to go deal with 2 parents feuding over their only child and then off to see my son graduate from Middle School.
I am actually feeling better and better for the most part. I still struggle with the injustice of the whole thing... but I have discovered that it's pride-driven more than anything else. Like, how dare he do this to ME?! Doesn't he know who I am?! Well, as I have seen all over the place here on SI, why NOT me? If As happen in (more than) 50 percent of marriages, did I really think that my super-fabulousness would make mine immune to a couple of dumbass, sneaky cheaters? Well, yeah, kinda. Oops, I suffered from the Smug-Marrieds. Got a big dose of reality to cure that one. Now, I do have (using this word in a positive way now) pride that when I discovered that *something* was wrong, I worked my ass off to realize MY faults and do what I could do to make our marriage better. More than I can say for Mr. Nell, who ran for the easiest lay he could find instead of even asking a simple question, much less DOING anything.
Yesterday would have been my grandmother's birthday. I thought of her a bit, wondered if she had gone through what I am going through. After my grandfather died (suddenly), she made her life really FULL and she seemed really happy. Surrounded herself with friends (other widow ladies in the neighborhood, through her "seniors group" and from church) and her family and took up a bunch of hobbies. I loved her, and I know she truly loved me. Fun, I was thinking of you while I wrote that. That love from my grandmother, it sticks with me. She died 15 years ago.
My IC was in my yoga class last night. It threw me off for about half the class... I was very aware that she was there and my balance was negatively affected. We had talked about yoga on Friday and discovered that we attended the same studio but attend classes at different times of the day, so our paths never crossed. She knew I went to that particular class. It was... what's the word... disconcerting, I guess, that she chose to attend that particular class. Or maybe it's not disconcerting but I need to get over my bad self.
Okay, gotta run. Nell out.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 6:57 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]
TOO true that I have nothing to hide. Maybe I need to plant something!
I'm so stupid, I'm thinking at first , "why is Allgood talking about gardening!!"
But then I really laughed...your stbs is a cop and you a lawyer....what fun and games!! Really planting something. Well, with those short shorts, you are "planting" the seeds of jealousy in his brain!! Congrats on the graduation from Middle School!
Miracle: Proms and graduations! You are too good to host the after prom party. I wouldn't have the patience. But kudos to you, and I'm glad that manchild is happy.
Nofun: Tell us what is going on. Your news that your WH was starting to get it sounded hopeful. What has happened lately? How is it working out with your DD at home?
Nell: You are sounding good. You seem to be going on to the next stage. At first we still deal with the trauma of it all, then we start to look at the reality of everything and start to deal with that and what we want to do with it. It's not an easy task.
I liked your story about your grandmother. It seems that she was able to enjoy the rest of her life. We sometimes have no idea what our grandparents had to go through. They kept things to themselves. I believe from what my mother has told me about my grandmother's behavior at a certain time in her life, that my grandmother definitely suffered from depression and anxiety attacks. No meds, no IC, just silent suffering.
Having your IC in your yoga class can be disconcerting. Sometimes we rely on them so much, we forget they are human too.
As for me, I've been suffering from a lot of anxiety attacks lately. I'm sure it's because I stopped that one med, but I don't want to go back on it. It's so tiring fighting those attacks, one feels like one has fought a tremendous battle and feels so tired afterwards.
I have to face what I want to do with the rest of my life. It seems I have no idea, or whatever I wanted to do, there seems to be so many obstacles, or because of the economy, almost impossible.