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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leather pants, huh?? Sounds cheaper than all the IC/MC sessions I've paid for!

danni - njgal and Tryn have weathered the LTA storm and come out on the other side with a happy and fulfilling M. I will tell you that I am just a few days past the 1-year mark since my DDay and even though my FWH appears to have seen the light in recent weeks, I still struggle with whether I can ever love him again the way I want to love a spouse. I know that I do love him, but I still don't feel any desire for a sexual relationship with him. My IC tells me that it is possible to regain that feeling. All I know is that I won't stay in this or any M if I can't feel romantic and sexy with my partner.

DD22 is finally home and her BF left to go home after driving down to TX from NY with her and her loaded car. Unfortunately, he broke up with her as he left as he is not comfortable with a long-distance relationship. So, she and I are quite the pair! We watched two chick flicks today and got her closet cleaned out. I think I'll pick up some chocolate ice cream tomorrow!

She and FWH had lunch yesterday and he told her about the LTA. She was a little teary when she came home but has already talked to her brothers and me. We are all in agreement that FWH loves them very much and that our problems are OUR problems. So far, they all seem to be doing okay. Needless to say I'll be keeping a close eye on all 3 of them.

FWH has been quite thoughtful recently. He has been comforting and reassuring to me as I try to figure out how to make a budget. Finances are not my strong suit and I just can't seem to get my head around this stuff. I'll learn but it really does suck.

Miracle - Good luck with the party! You are an amazing woman!

[This message edited by strongish at 10:24 PM, July 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell:

the brithday card....


allgood: i too hope you carve out some allgood time...there are things to do on the weekdays too you know...when he visits you can disappear and let him do it all...


m3: hmmm, leather pants...may have to try a pair...


strong: it sounds like you have one very together family....

...and i am sorry you dd's bf broke up with her....but i have to be honest, it sounds like he did it right....and he was honest with her...

hi dip...no, i am not inviting any more people...and it seems every place where i shop for this party the people all want to invite themselves over...

amazing woman i am not, insane maybe, amazing NOT...


had a chat with pfm last nite..totally my doing...i did say i was insane right...i asked him about ic...i asked first if he spoke to his ic about the sweet 16 we went to and his families reaction...he said yes...didnt elaborate much just that the ic said that not all people face their issues and live in denial...and then after a few choice words back and forth mostly from me, i went ahead and asked about him talking to his ic about his habit of lying...he then proceeds to tell me that the ic said that i will never believe him...i stop him there and ask again...what does the ic say about you lying period...is he doing anything to help you stop....then he starts in about his "new friend" is just a friend...notice he is not answering the question...so after much back and forth with him coming up with one thing or another i yell the damned question at him again...(i know, not very attractive, not a good way to get info, although in my defense it is pretty much the only way i have ever gotten info from him)...anyways...bottom line, he thinks he doesnt lie anymore...


my kids "see" lots, they "hear" lots and its kind of pitiful...their perceptions of their father...i worked so hard through the years for them to see him in a good light, i would spin shit like crazy doing damage control...i dont do that anymore...i have taken a back seat and lettin him drive...and so far he is hopelessly lost...no gps is gonna help him either...

i really need to let go, really let go, i need to stop the damned questions, because no matter what he answers it doesnt matter....it really doesnt matter...

nite tribe


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW - Leather pants - so very 80's Rock star - Suzie Q & Pat Benatar move over here comes M!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just popping in to say hello.

Saw my EMDR lady today and I have officially graduated!!! She told me that I don't need her any more now. That I am welcome to come back in a few months for a visit or 2 if I think I need to but that I am OK. She's right. I am. I have been thinking this myself the last couple of weeks but was a little afraid to say it. She, like SI, has been such a huge part of my survival that it is hard to let go. But yes I am now able to "make it" on my own.

I still have hurt and anger but it is no longer dominating my life or interfering in my ability to enjoy it. It comes and goes like little waves rather than tsunamis. It would be unrealistic to expect all to be shiny and new and I can live with what remains.

As for SI, I will be a long time member. SI is too much a part of me for me to ever let go.

I am sitting here with FWH. he knows I am chatting to you but chooses not to comment. He's reading a magazine.

I finally got "Not Just Friends" a couple of days ago (it had to come all the way from "yankland") and am about half way through. I really like it but am sometimes a little irritated by the compassionate way she treats the WS. I guess I am still a little too close to dday!

Allgood

Hang in there honey

Miracle

Superwoman. I guess all those kids must help to distract you from pfm doing stupid.

Strong

So good to hear dd22is coping ok with the news. You too should enjoy some great girl time. Nice to hear Mr Strong is doing it right!

Nell

Such a great choice. I still really struggle with cards.

Hope boyo is doing better

M33

Leather pants! I would LOVE some but I'd have to get them made. I struggle (at 6') to get jeans long enough (have to special order). I have a neat new leather jacket though!

And SEVENTEEN hits. You rock!!!!!

Honest

Stay strong honey. You ARE getting stronger. Such a brave lady!

Awakened

Are you sure they are not red flags, instead of triggers? I never suggest this, but are you tracking WH's actions right now? VAR, keystroke tracking, GPS, that sort of thing?

I'm with Nell on this. Hate to say it honey but if it was my FWH I'd be in full investigation mode. Not just to CATCH him but at least to reassure myself. I still use my tech toys. Not because I suspect anything but just for reassurance. Have recordings for last 6 weeks which I haven't listened to. BUT if my gut starts to act up in 2 months time I know I can go back and check.

Tryn

Love the way you are being such a great support to all of us (esp allgood at this time). You really know how to make us girls feel special.

Hi also to : Fun, Dip, Deep, NJ, UK, FNF, Lost and all lurkers.

Hope you all have a great holiday weekend.

Love

Laura



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Laura28... We support each other. All my post are sometimes things I sometimes fail at myself, but pick myself back up and forge on. My post somehow reinforces my new commitment to myself. My post and reading so many post somehow "dulled" my feelings. Of course I still hurt at times. It is just part of me now. I strongly believe today that if you cannot accept it, you really need to do what allgood is doing and D. D is different types of hurts . They are different from infidelity type hurts. Once you find a new relationship, the infidelity "hurts" just are not nearly as frequent, strong, etc. It just is the way it is. But if you choose to stay, then you need to place all those hurts in perspective.

My perspective. It is OK to have these hurts. I will hurt over this because infidelity is one of the greatest hurts anyone can have in life. Pain is part of everyone’s life. People are not always loving or loyal. I can take my hurt and do something with it myself, or I can spew it toward wife and never allow her to feel good about herself again. I choose to take this pain and deal with it myself and make my W feel good about herself.

I really like it but am sometimes a little irritated by the compassionate way she treats the WS.

See, I think Ms. Glass is this way because she knows that if you cannot place this sin in the past, if you cannot see this a just a bad part of you M, if you cannot be compassionate to the offender, you are going to throw it in face of the relationship over and over. Who in their right mind would want to love someone that reminds them over and over of their mistakes?

At some point in your this R, you need to make a vow to yourself. I am going to deal with the pain by (running, prayer, changing my thoughts, helping others, cooking, treating myself to a bath, etc) and I acknowledge I was ”played.” It happens to people. I forgive my spouse and will not ever punish them for what they did.

If you cannot do what I say, the do yourself a favor and D.

and of course, if you have a spouse who fails to be desirable, you know what you need to do.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:50 AM, July 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i really need to let go, really let go, i need to stop the damned questions, because no matter what he answers it doesnt matter....it really doesnt matter...
For those of us who are used to being "in charge" of situations, this is one of the hardest things to do. Miracle, run, do not walk, to the nearest book store and buy Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. At the same time pick up a copy of The Language of Letting Go. It has daily meditations that help to keep one focused on "letting go."

Also, another favorite of mine is the Desiderata by Max Ehrmann...

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Like all of us, you are still struggling so hard to let go of the need/desire for pfm to "get it." This is still a daily struggle for me, but the books and poem help me every day. I wish you peace of mind today. Even if it's just for a moment or two...thinking of you.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened-
It may not be anything...but your husband's actions do sound suspicious.Do you think he could still be in contact with the OW?
Does he go to IC? MC?
His cool attitude toward you...about not wanting to spend time alone with you...ouch!
IMHO from what you are describing... he does not sound remorseful and 100% into saving the marriage.
Do you think he has shown real remorse? and a willingness to do anything and everything to save the marriage?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

If you cannot do what I say, the do yourself a favor and D.

I know what you are saying but as I said I guess I am still a little too close to dday!. In one sense I agree that you need to control feelings. As a teacher I never allow myself to show real anger with kids. That can lead to disaster for me and them. In order to teach them the right way to behave I may feign anger as part of teaching them how their actions can impact others but control my feelings so I can be clear headed and objective about the sich and respond in a way which will be helpful for them. Sometimes I will have to deal with a student who does make me really angry. If that is the case I take time to get calm before I deal with them.

To me R is a little like that. I can control my behaviour at times. I may trigger and feel hurt or angry but when I am strong enough I choose to ACT in a certain way which I believe is best for us. But the feeling is still there - I don't truly believe you can or should try to bury feelings. Burying them doesn't make them go away. You have to deal with them.

EMDR has allowed me to deal with the worst feelings especially the irrational ones and make them controllable. Much of the treatment focussed on seeing that a lot of the feelings were irrational. eg We began by focussing on my feelings of "Why wasn't I enough for him?" The session led me to see that it wasn't about my shortcomings. Now I don't have this feeling because I know it wasn't about me. Some of the feelings are still there but now I am more in control. However they haven't gone away.

Another feeling is anger. This one IS rational. I have a right to be angry because of what he did. I don't believe I should bury that feeling but I shouldn't feed it either. So I need to deal with it. At present I do this when I get angry by looking at how much he has changed and how much he is trying. It is a little like the WS being transparent. Each time he "proves" he can be trusted the trust bank grows. Each time FWH is kind and loving the anger dissipates a little.

So I am still too close to dday to feel compassion for him in some ways. I cannot empathise with him missing his OWs. Ms Glass talks often about the pain WSs feel cutting off contact with APs. I cannot empathise with him for this but I can empathise with him when he expresses shame.

So it IS a process. I have come far but I am not yet where you are. I don't want a D now but I may change my mind later. I'm still working on the feelings I still have to see what I want. At the moment I am still trying to decide if this M can make me happy.

Lot of "thinking out loud"..

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

Always LOVED Desiderata but haven't thought about it for years.

I will check out the shops for a poster for the wall. It's a great piece of writing. So uplifting.

Love

Laura

Thanks for the reminder.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: I'm very, very happy to see you reach a new & better place.

No deep thoughts today, just checking in to let you guys know that my kids seem ok. I assume that is because they are maybe either in shock or because they are holding onto the hope that we are going to work things out. They are acting totally normally tho. I'm not seeing them try to include both stbx & I in activities together or anyhing.
Strange.

I went out last night & had a good time.
Stbx is out tonight.
Family party tomorrow. I guess we are not telling anyone else now, since the kids were told we were still trying to work things out. I guess it makes the most sense to tell family when we tell the kids Dad is moving out & no sooner.
I have to say, like my kids, I'm remarkably calm.
Had a few drinks out last night, saw a bunch of happy couples together, but I was able to just think, it's nice to have someone to do those things with & leave it at that. Didn't lead me down the slippery path of "I wish.."
Totally calm as stbx left tonight too.
Hope it lasts.

Well, it sounds like you all must be pretty busy.
Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: Thank you for posting the Desiderata. I haven't read it in years. I remember seeing a lot of posters with it in the "70's, but it has newer and deeper meaning to me today.

Tryn and Laura, great posts. You are right, Tryn. D has a different kind of pain. But, and this is a big BUT, it is better to heal before going into a new relationship. You still hurt from the D and the infidelity even if you are in a new relationship. If one doesn't have kids and there is complete NC with the former spouse, yes it is easier. But if you still have to deal with the xWS, it is still difficult and the wound still keeps opening.

For me, it still can get scratched open. After 23 years, when I hear that the older DS's were with their father and his wife doing something that I would have done with them, it still stings. It stings when I hear that the older DS calls his "stepmother" and talks to her and asks her advice (and SHE had NOTHING to do with the D or infidelity!! She is INNOCENT and a very nice lady.)

If NC were possible, then , yes, it is more likely that one can go on with a new relationship and not have the old wounds keep getting opened.

BUT, staying in a M where one is not being treated right, when one is sacrificing oneself.... that is no good either.

It's a funny thing. I've actually been wanting for a long time for stbxWH to do something that would finally decide things for me. To actually cross the line of no return. But like the frog that was put in cold water and slowly heated, I put up with more and more stuff.

It's funny, sometimes you hear people tell you the same thing over and over again and you really don't "Hear" it, when finally there is the 'gestalt" the aha moment when as Henry Higgins said to Eliza "By George, I think she's got it!!!".

Well, by George, Honest has finally got it.

I'm done.

stbxWH stepped over a line, actually was doing and saying things he's done before, BUT it involved DS 16, so I guess because I was "outside" of it I SAW IT.

I was devastated for several days. I was ready to curl up in bed again. I had suicidal ideation again. I was ready to give up again.

BUT, I came here and saw everyone's posts, everyone's pain and wanted to help. I read how people were thinking of me and wishing me well, and really meaning it. I felt how I wanted to help everyone here. I felt YOUR love.

I was also graced with a day like yesterday where I went to a free outdoor concert the town was giving, a Beatle's tribute band. I was blessed that 3 of my most supportive friends throughout all of this were there with me at the same time ( and they were not friends with each other to begin with) and they got along. I felt liked for ME.

WOW.

All of a sudden, things that people have been saying to me, I'm finally HEARING it. Not that I agree 100% with everything, but I am hearing it.

Thank you all for not giving up on me.

Thank you, Strongish for the Desiderata: I AM a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars!!

I wish I could have something to help others more right now, but it seems that God is finally opening my eyes and my heart to the wonderful gifts that are being given to me,

I do want to say, that I have been reading everyone's posts. I really truly care and pray for all of you. Sometimes when I am driving in the car, I may think of one of you and a post that your wrote, and say a prayer for you, but then, me with my mind like a sieve (or more like a colander!) I forget to write it when I post.

As I read, and if there are two pages or more, and I didn't take notes, I do think of each and every one of you. God bless you all.

Thank you all for everything!!


{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Allgood}}}}}

We were cross posting. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please promise that you will keep coming her and keep venting and posting.

I'm glad to hear that you are coming to a place of more calm. I think when we are in the whirlwind of trying to decide what to do, it's hard. It's also hard when we feel we have no choice. That the choice was made for us (like when a WS leaves without trying to R)
But you, have seen all the cards that were dealt out. It may have not been what you wanted, but YOU have made the decision to do what you will do with what you have. Thus, the sense of calm. Thank God.

YOU made the decision.

{{{{Allgood}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I can't tell you how good it is to hear that you value yourself enough to say to Mr. Dishonest, "I'm done." Yeah, girlfriend!! You deserve so much better than he is giving you!!

{{{Honest}}}

Allgood - It sounds to me like the approach that you took in telling them was the right one. They will process the information a little bit at a time and may still ask questions here or there, may have s few tears at times, but they don't want to live in sadness any more than we do and will resume "normal" activities when they can. I think it's good that they are not being clingy or depressed.

{{{Allgood}}}


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

before i forget again...someone mentioned about shirley glass having died...well when i first read that book i wrote her a letter, not knowing of course that she had died...the letter asked about not having a before...of course i didnt get an answer from her, but i did get a letter telling me about her passing...i was pissed, i wanted an answer that no one seemed to have...but i have it now....it matters not whether or not i had a before...most especially since i am not going to have an after...at least not an after with him....


i did read the conomo book...every page fit pfm almost to a tee...all i kept thinking was he should read this...he did and it didnt help at all...i also read the other book mentioned which the title has left my mind....and the final one, strong...i read it skimmingly...my head is to wrapped up in too many things to really "read it"...but once this holiday graduation celebration is over i will reread it with a clear head...and thank you

honest: of course we love you, i am glad your freinds were there for ya...and i am so happy to hear you say the words you are "done"...yay


laura: i love how you have done through all of this...and do i remember correctly..you are 6'...bless you, you are amazon woman...like wonder woman was... ..me, i am on the small side...5'2"...i have learned how to climb for lots of things..


allgood: kids are like that you know...until its in their face its somewhat on a back burner....kind of why they are so damned resilliant...of course if they have genuinely happy lives they go on as usual....their life is unaffected as i think for your kids for the most part it will be...

my kids would at one time gone for days and days at a time without seeing their dad...he would always be out late and i would keep them on a normal bedtime...by 8pm they were always out cold...as they got older it didn't matter still because he stayed out even later..and later as time went on...i wish he would go back to that, i would love not seeing him as much..

tonite i passed a sarcastic comment much like i always do, i dont need much of an opening...he turned around and said something like, "do you really have to say those things, i am not that person anymore"..or something like that...i answered "yes i do, get used to it already, i need to get it out and i need to get it out to you,"...i forgot to add that if he didnt like it, he could leave...so at least he will read it here when he catches up...


its been such a long long day....my dd decorated a grad cake for one of the parties tomorrow, (we have 2)...and even though it all ran late i thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent in the kitchen, even scrawny boy and manchild had some interactions with us tonite...it is so cool, i really really like my kids...

although scrawny boy has developed that teen mentality making liking him a bit difficult at times.. ...but like everything else it will pass...


ok, an even busier day ahead for me tomorrow...we have to grad parties of super close friends....and manchild has a third....not to mention we have to finish some stuff up for our own 4th grad party...

oh and manchild got himself a new girlfriend...very odd...methinks he will go through quite alot of them...


cant remember anything else so nite all..

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 4th July to my LTA friends from South of the Equator!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura, sure does seem to me you are controlling your feelings. Allowing your feelings to be known at the beginning (around dday) of all this is A MUST! I will always say that in order of R to happen, you spouse must be able to "take" you rubbing his nose in his own shit. That is a must and seem to happen the first several months. These come from feelings of anger, fear, hurt etc. In a way, this forces them into shame, guilt, so that they can make a decision never to hurt anyone again like they hurt you. They also can see that you cared enough to hurt.

I will be the first to admit that some people cannot feel shame, guilt, and they cannot change. i.e. Mr. Honest. Some people are also addicted, maybe like Mr. Allgood drinking all night falling asleep in a car. Maybe even ats’s W cannot seem to make love to him as a gift showing him love. Some people just cannot learn how to be desirable.

Laura, you are at a year now. IMO, the year is the time to reflect if you want to keep the M or not. IT is a yes I know. I think you work hard to control your feelings is a must. You must now decide to do all those desirables I say and make sure you can be desirable. You must learn to forgive and do all those things I said are forgiving. You will not have the best possible relationship unless you forgive and do desirables. And too, this is most important! your spouse must be desirable. Insist on it every time and expect them to be desirable. It may take repeating and done in a safe and good way. Be Ok with your spouse insisting you be desirable. Listen to them when they asked it, and say sorry when you are not so desirable.

Do you see how important communication then becomes? And also knowing what is desirable and not desirable. That is what Retrouvaille.

Honest, You tasted some happiness at the concert. Do something fun every few days! Bowl! Lol… One of the greatest satisfactions in life is accomplishing something while working to make money achieving success. Start a new business of some sort keeping is small and simple to start. Go for it!


These are Desire Builders
- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer


These are Desire destroyers
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Negative attitude
- Continueing Negative behaviors
- No communication
- No reliance on God or lack of spirituality
- Holding a grudge’
- Name calling
- Negative “self talk”
- Disrespect
- “Must win” Attitude
- Living the past

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:06 AM, July 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

You are sounding so much more positive honey. I loved this

Well, by George, Honest has finally got it.

I'm done.

There's self confidence and hope for the future in that little statement.

While you continue to "get your ducks in a row" I hope you are planning for a wonderful future. What is it you would really love to do? Where, how can you see yourself really enjoying life? When I was in the depths of despair this saved me and helped me to move on. Dreaming of a hopeful, happy future instead of being obsessed with the awful past.

When I began to think I was going to leave FWH (or he was going to leave me) I started daydreaming about all the great things I could do. I didn't consider money or other barriers - just thought about what I wanted for me.

I imagined going to live in the south of France for a year. Getting a little cottage or apartment, maybe even a little dog for company, having coffee in the cafes with locals, going for walks in the hills or day trips to nearby villages. Joining in local celebrations. Getting casual work doing anything. Teaching if possible but scrubbing floors if necessary. Then going home to my peaceful little place, having a cup of tea or a glass of red and enjoying the peace. I decided that if we split NOTHING would stop me from doing this.

Now I still have this dream and one day I will do it. Maybe FWH and I will even do it together. If I decide I don't want the M or he cheats again or turns back into a monster or dies I will.

I have a PLAN to enjoy my future.

I think you need a plan. Don't let the barriers worry you. Make your plan and then worry about the barriers later.

I truly believe that if we want something badly enough we will get it. It can be done.

So organise the ducks but start being hopeful and optimistic about the future. BTW did you notice there was no man in my dream? I've finally come to realise I don't NEED one. I'd like one but I don't NEED one.

HUGS and STRENGTH to you :

You are a child of the universe....With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.....Strive to be happy.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I am so happy to hear you sound so positive and strong.
Going to the concert with your friends-what a wonderful evening.
Continue to do that-surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Distance yourself from people that are toxic and negative.
You deserve only the best...remind yourself of that every day.
Enough of being treated badly or being taken for granted.
Time to focus on creating a calm, peaceful happy life for yourself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Strongish, Miracle, Tryn, NJgal and Laura.

Matter of fact, Laura, I copied and pasted your post to my journal to save and reread. It's a good thing to have, a dream. I pray that yours will come true some day.

Continue to do that-surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Distance yourself from people that are toxic and negative.

NJgal, this is precisely the conclusion I came to recently. I have been surrounded by toxic people, as you do understand about BPD. People who keep demanding and demanding and blaming me for not being enough or doing enough.

Being with "normal" people is a great help!!!
People who I accept as they are and accept me as I am.

WOW WOW WOW.

I hope everyone is having a good holiday weekend. Dip, I hope you aren't working too hard at the grilling!

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, July 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

It is good to hear you say these positive things.

Yes I have been grilling. I am not working too hard though..

I was #1 here at LTA house #25. Do I get to be last?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


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