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User Topic: Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumpin' for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newbees!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weekend Bumps for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
bwok3
♀ New Member
Member # 38423
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep that's me


ME: 46 BS
HIM: 49 WH
Married 28 years
Separated
DD 21
DS 27
D-day-1 1986-but still denies it to this day
OW#1 PA - I think it was just a one night stand
D-day 2 Sept 25-11
OW-#2 EA & other online crap
Filing for D soon

Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For ((Calikid))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a codependent for a LONG time. My biological mother was an alcoholic and was never around. I was left home alone on numerous occasions around the age of 4-6 with my younger sister. I also grew up in foster homes. It's really no wonder I have this constant need for acceptance and approval. I've always been a people pleaser, agreed to things I didn't want to do, said yes when I wanted to say no, and avoided conflict at all costs. I always knew that about myself and HATED it but never knew there was a name nor how unhealthy it was. I went from one relationship to another, feared being alone, and stayed too long in bad relationships.

Until my Wh cheated on me. It was at that point I realized how awful I had been to myself. I had given up a career I loved, I had put off school because we couldn't afford my student loans, I overwhelmed myself by cleaning up after everyone and never asking for help, I took care of Wh's four kids from a previous marriage more than he did, I put my own daughter's needs behind Wh's, I accepted the bare minimum while Wh got the best, I gave, I gave, and I gave until I couldn't give anymore. And where did I land???? A sahm, with no job, no dreams or goals, no life outside of motherhood, no hobbies, and a complete shell of a person. Yet, it wasn't enough to keep Wh from straying. As much as I gave, it wasn't enough. I still didn't give him the "attention" he needed.

I'm wide awake now and realize just how pathetic I had become. I allowed that to happen to me. I allowed others to use me. I'm done with all that.

I am at a crossroads, however. Do I try to make my marriage work? Or do I let go and finally focus on ME? I'm trying to do both.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

c11,
You can do both but it takes fixing and working on you first. You need to get healthy enough that you make the choice to stay not out of obligation but desire to rebuild and have ehte marriage you deserve. Have you found a good IC? one who can help you make healthy choices for yourself?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lordhasplans- I start IC next Wed and we will start MC the next day. My biggest fear is I will continue the co-dependent behavior and never really work on myself. Recognizing it has helped some however. In some situations I have found myself start to behave how I normally would and then I stop myself and put my foot down. Some progress has been made I suppose.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'll forgo/put off haircuts and new clothes in an instant if it seems the budget is too stretched for those things yet I didn't complain loudly and directly enough about HIS spending habits."

Yes. Me, too.

And I took his three grandchildren children on a very nice vacation. He whined all the way through. Later I found he was calling OW the whole time and went round to fuck her the day after we got back.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 1:35 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the responses to this thread, so if someone else has posted what I am about to say, I apologize for making people read it a second time.

I've read several things that have countered the "codependency" label. A better description of the BS response is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I've even seen it specifically called Post Traumatic Infidelity Disorder, or PTID.

The behaviors a BS manifests line up with PTSD, and we should not be considered codependent, as shock and the other traits that come with it are normal responses to such a traumatic event as infidelity.

The treatment and recovery from PTSD are similar to what is required to "heal" from infidelity.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Whattodo2012
♀ New Member
Member # 37773
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, gives me some things to think about regarding myself. Not in a self-deprecating way....more of a "how to better myself" kind of way. I appreciate the initial post & will read more of the replies when I have some time.


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not new but just read this. Right now I am reading Co-Dependant No More.

I saw myself in your initial post....

******This dynamic allows the BS to get to be the person who is in control and thus be respected for being the responsible one or one who steps up. It allows the BS to be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength.****

The thing is - my H has owned the A from the get-go. He started taking accountability not just for the A but for things he let go around the house, being more hands on with our boys, standing up more with regards to his family. It was like a switch went off and 10 months later he is consistent.

I find I love the new attention from him and certainly don't want it to stop but I also recognize that I need to be happy with me no matter what.

I am quite relieved to not be controlling so much in our lives anymore. It was exhausting. But I do catch myself doing it every now and then. It's like I need people to go, "Wow! you are awesome!" Or, "if it weren't for LA, this would have fallen apart". Thus, the book.

ps: the woman talking about lugging all the stuff to the game and looking like hell and resenting her H who was being fawned over by all the women was so us. I have a different example but its all the same really.

Good post. Thanks again!

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:22 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 152
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