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User Topic: Codependency in the Marriage: A BSís common mistake
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5400 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 3554 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 43477
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 197 | Registered: May 2014
♀ Member
Member # 45409
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This hits a huge nerve with me. A good one though. Our whole marriage everyone told me how lucky I was to have such a great guy. It's all I have heard for 20 years. No one ever told him he was lucky. I was the one who got the amazing gift of a husband apparently. I gave up so much of who I am to please him. He insisted on no conflict what so ever. He presented himself as flawless. The whole time he behaved very narcissistically. I was a good wife, but he treated me like a ball and chain. He claimed that I never let him go do anything, while I openly encouraged it. He just didn't have any friends because he is a taker. He didn't have anyone to go out with, and I did. But, he blamed me. He broke my independent spirit. He isolated me from friends and family, all while acting amazingly loving. Then, the affairs happened. All I got from everyone is, "Oh, everyone makes mistakes." No one cared about my well being because he has everyone so shammed about what a great husband he is. It seems like everyone thinks it's my fault somehow. It doesn't matter that I have supported him and been positive through everything. I stroked his ego, was physically affectionate, and kind. I gave him sex whenever he wanted it.

When the affair happened, we had lots of sex, because somehow I felt it would keep him away from other women. I chased him. He was emotionally unavailable to me, and I chased while he retreated.

I went to the doctor and he gave me a stern lecture about how I should behave. He gave me some great meds. I turned around emotionally. I realized what a sham this whole thing has been. Once I withdrew, he started chasing me. He can't do enough for me, say he is sorry enough. He started IC. He is reading like crazy. Now, I'm not sure I want to be with him.

Shrugging the monster of codependence changes everything. I am feeling my feelings. I am no longer desperate to hang on or fix things. It's refreshing.

Last night was rough though. The football game would not come up on our TV. He wanted to walk down the street to a bar to watch it. I was all for it and wanted alone time. He yelled at me and accused me of holding him prisoner, even though I wanted him to go. He went. He apologized for his behavior, but I can't forgive him.

[This message edited by franklymydear at 6:36 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)]

BS (Me)-41
STBXWH-41, , 2014
D-Day PA- August 29, 2014
R-He is finally committed, but I'm not.

"You are not responsible for making other people 'see the light'- Melody Beatty

Posts: 558 | Registered: Oct 2014
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2015View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 46119
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 11th (Wednesday), 2015View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I was aware of this before

Always remember that when dusk arrives, it already has dawn in its womb. --Amma--


Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2014
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2015View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping. This is a good topic!

First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007
♀ Member
Member # 45486
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2015View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Codependency, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. Are you making your relationship more important than yourself? I know I did, prior to the affair and increased that in the aftermath of D-Day. Please let me say this as clearly as possible. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else whoís not. The harder you try the worse it will become; you do it at the detriment to yourself, putting that dysfunctional relationship first

While not all of the defining characteristics of codependency fit me, the above certainly does. As a survivor of a dysfunctional FOO and SA and religion abuse, I have some issues surrounding inability to take care of myself and setting healthy boundaries.

It is only in retrospect that I can see some issues in my marriage that I was allowing and which, ultimately, lead to stbxwh's A and abandonment of our family.

Of course, had I been healthy, I wouldn't have chosen him, I suppose, although he was certainly good at hiding the wolf under his sheep's clothing.

To be.

Posts: 1268 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 169
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