This hits a huge nerve with me. A good one though. Our whole marriage everyone told me how lucky I was to have such a great guy. It's all I have heard for 20 years. No one ever told him he was lucky. I was the one who got the amazing gift of a husband apparently. I gave up so much of who I am to please him. He insisted on no conflict what so ever. He presented himself as flawless. The whole time he behaved very narcissistically. I was a good wife, but he treated me like a ball and chain. He claimed that I never let him go do anything, while I openly encouraged it. He just didn't have any friends because he is a taker. He didn't have anyone to go out with, and I did. But, he blamed me. He broke my independent spirit. He isolated me from friends and family, all while acting amazingly loving. Then, the affairs happened. All I got from everyone is, "Oh, everyone makes mistakes." No one cared about my well being because he has everyone so shammed about what a great husband he is. It seems like everyone thinks it's my fault somehow. It doesn't matter that I have supported him and been positive through everything. I stroked his ego, was physically affectionate, and kind. I gave him sex whenever he wanted it.
When the affair happened, we had lots of sex, because somehow I felt it would keep him away from other women. I chased him. He was emotionally unavailable to me, and I chased while he retreated.
I went to the doctor and he gave me a stern lecture about how I should behave. He gave me some great meds. I turned around emotionally. I realized what a sham this whole thing has been. Once I withdrew, he started chasing me. He can't do enough for me, say he is sorry enough. He started IC. He is reading like crazy. Now, I'm not sure I want to be with him.
Shrugging the monster of codependence changes everything. I am feeling my feelings. I am no longer desperate to hang on or fix things. It's refreshing.
Last night was rough though. The football game would not come up on our TV. He wanted to walk down the street to a bar to watch it. I was all for it and wanted alone time. He yelled at me and accused me of holding him prisoner, even though I wanted him to go. He went. He apologized for his behavior, but I can't forgive him.