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Codependency in the Marriage: A BSís common mistake
I'm #1 rescuer, fixer, people pleaser, worrier etc.
May I suggest "Codependant No more" By Melody Beattie.
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:25 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]
Like always your post brings me peace and sheds some light into my own "relationship" with WW.
Ok, so now lots of us BSs know we are co-dependent with WSs... What should we do? Just stick to the 180?... What else would you recommend besides IC?
great post, very eye opening and def made me sit and really reflect on what I had and what I want/need. Thanks.
I really needed to read that... If only to clarify my behaviour of the last few years. While not to blame for my wife adultery (never ever will I accept that crock of sh*t she tries to feed me), this could help me understand our respective roles in fostering the environment that allowed it to happen.
Nothing occurs in a vacuum, and we were very long from a happy, healthy relationship before the storm.
Now to just not fall back into old habits... must go read the 180 primer again.
i'm not sure i fall into the co-dependent category after reading this, not completely, anyway, but i thought it was well worthy of newer people like me to be reading. i am a people pleaser, i do know that, but i am also very good at not going so far as to make it a detrimental thing for myself. for example, i was almost always the one to do all of the cleaning around the house. my wh barely ever lifted a finger. i would get resentful, we would fight, etc. one day, i just stopped cleaning. wh is getting better about helping out around the house, but he's not perfect, and neither am i. our house is a chaotic mess most of the time. i have learned, without reading on the subject or anything, that i do have a backbone, and i can use it. and if others don't like it, they can kiss my behind, because it is not about them, it is about me.
Alot of this out here right now.
Yes, yes, yes... this was me, in the year of false 'R'! I kept thinking that if only I read enough books, cooked enough nice meals, listened enough, told him jokes, didn't nag him... he'd keep his promise to stay away from OW. In the process I became very ill with depression and anxiety to the point of high doses of medication and occasional hallucinations. He went back to OW six months into 'R' that wasn't... In retrospect I always knew that would happen. And in hindsight I'd say that unless the 'wayward' is falling over themselves with remorse, wooing you non-stop and showering you with gratitude for allowing them to stay with you, the marriage is a sick place to be. Infidelity, as we know, is a MASSIVE marriage-killer, which is why in its aftermath we BSs often strive to minimise it. After all those years together, we must be able to get through this, right? It's NOT for the BS to fix the marriage... in fact trying to do so will probably kill it stone dead. The 180 is damned hard, at a time when all you want to do is to be held... but it almost certainly short-circuits the hellishness of being the only person in a 'marriage' where someone is an unwilling participant being 'dragged back' (my WH's words).
Just been reading some of these posts.
It all sounds far too similar..
There are similarities between my exGF and I and my current wife and I.
My previous relationship turned into more of a father daughter relationship. I provided the home, the money and helped push her into a new career fresh from uni and she'd sit back wilst I was busting a gut renovating my old appartment whilst she was "revising for finals" only to come out sweating ater hours of graft to see her watching TV on a 'break' with a cup of tea without the slightest hint of a "do you want a drink in there?" from her....
Roll on 6 years.....
Wife 8 months off work on materity, me working away sometimes 7 days a week to pay for the house renovations, trying to build a business up local so I don't have to work away any more and complete the renovations on the house in my spare minutes all the while the one day for example the wife sat on the sofa watching the royal wedding whilst my father and I were sweating our balls off upstairs trying to finish the house for the arrival of DD..... She also has a lot of issues that I feel she NEEDS my help to resolve when in reality she NEEDS to want to resolve them herself but she doesn't acnowledge they are actually real problems....
Amongst all of this I dont give her enough of ME? so goes elsewhere for emotional support..... and lots of shags!
Does this mean I'm the reason for both the relationships going tits up?
[This message edited by foreverempty at 3:03 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]
NO, it doesn't mean you're the reason your relationships went tits up! It means that you have issues (as do I, my brother) that caused you to mate up with women who would act that way. You didn't cause them to act that way, you just unconsciously chose the kind of women who would.
I am a codependent, however this last year I have really tried to grasp this, I started setting boundaries, not putting up not being given back to. My husband is an alcoholic and started to go to AA regularily. After he still did not remain sober I moved out Oct 31st with my five year old son. I just now found out that he was having an emotional affair and a physical one since last Summer. He says the affair is over of course after I found out. I do love him and want to reconcile, I feel bad for him because he struggles so much. I do not however condone or have any excuses for what he did to me. I need to work on my codependency which I have, neither of us are ready to reconcile, he needs to work on him and I need to work on me, however we have a five year old together. I do not know how to set boundaries or where to begin. Any thoughts??
Emilys, there is a great book I read this past fall titled, "Boundaries in Marriage". It was very helpful to me in backing up my decision to set some boundaries & enforce them. My IC recommended the book to me. It's a pretty easy read, although at times the examples & what's advised were so spot on to ME, it was hard to force myself to keep reading...
I also read a good book titled, "The New Co-Dependent" by Melody Beattie (spelling of last name?). Ohmygoodness, did she ever hit the bullseye! Again, IC recommended this book.
The critical thing here is that I've been reading & doing my personal growth for ME AND MY KIDS. I'm not doing it for WH or the marriage.
I agree with nature girl. Beattie's codependency no more really spoke to me. There are also two threads on boundaries in JFO. I will bump those for you to read along with boundaries in marriage book. I hope this helps, point here is to speak to who you are, your value, and how you want to be treated.
I was a codependent up until I found out, we went to counseling, and we started the R process. I never thought I was a codependent because I was always the one who "had her shit together." Our friends thought we were so right for each other because "I took care of him." He took care of himself with 2 OW in an online relationship.
Unfortunately, I learned that in counseling, the WS doesn't see your efforts of giving as supporting the relationship. They see it as controlling (which really underneath it all, it is) and become resentful. In no way does it mean that you caused the A or I. But it does mean that as the WS emotionally removes themselves from you, you "give more" and grasp for more control.
I'm still in marriage counseling, but now I feel free. I don't feel I have to run around always being the one who does everything and gives everything. Now I feel that HE helps take care of me.
A great book that helped him: The Flight From Intimacy: Healing your Relationship of Counter-Dependency. I learned that the other side of co-dependency is counter-dependency. He fit the counter-dependent profile to a T.
QV-- Could you briefly mention some of the traits of the counter-dependent profile?
This is directly out of The Flight From Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency (2008) by Janae & Barry Weinhold, PhDs.
-Feels anxiety when has nothing to do.
-Looks to other people, substances or activities to make them feel good.
-Has difficulty assessing wants or needs.
-Feels that he or she will be smothered if gets to close to spouse or friend.
-Anxiety towards intimacy.
-Exaggerates accomplishments, especially when meeting new people.
-Is afraid people will find out "who they really are."
-Demands perfection from self and others.
-Works long hours, but never seems to finish work.
-Feels controlled by others' expectations.
-Must always "be right."
-Afraid of being consumed by needs of others.
-Feels overly important when asked for advice or opinion.
-Difficulty forming and maintaining intimate relationships.
-Has trouble deciding if he/she wants sex or nurturing touch.
-Has trouble relaxing/chronic tension.
-Need to be center of attention.
-Does not like to admit mistakes.
-Projects anger when he/she actually feels guilt.
-Rejects help from others.
-Thoughts about sex each day that interfere with work.
-Often compares self to others.
-Fear of being controlled by others.
-Non-empathetic/Does not see needs of others.
-Denial of problems/denial of problems in others.