May I suggest "Codependant No more" By Melody Beattie.
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:25 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]
Like always your post brings me peace and sheds some light into my own "relationship" with WW.
Ok, so now lots of us BSs know we are co-dependent with WSs... What should we do? Just stick to the 180?... What else would you recommend besides IC?
i'm not sure i fall into the co-dependent category after reading this, not completely, anyway, but i thought it was well worthy of newer people like me to be reading. i am a people pleaser, i do know that, but i am also very good at not going so far as to make it a detrimental thing for myself. for example, i was almost always the one to do all of the cleaning around the house. my wh barely ever lifted a finger. i would get resentful, we would fight, etc. one day, i just stopped cleaning. wh is getting better about helping out around the house, but he's not perfect, and neither am i. our house is a chaotic mess most of the time. i have learned, without reading on the subject or anything, that i do have a backbone, and i can use it. and if others don't like it, they can kiss my behind, because it is not about them, it is about me.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
It all sounds far too similar..
There are similarities between my exGF and I and my current wife and I.
My previous relationship turned into more of a father daughter relationship. I provided the home, the money and helped push her into a new career fresh from uni and she'd sit back wilst I was busting a gut renovating my old appartment whilst she was "revising for finals" only to come out sweating ater hours of graft to see her watching TV on a 'break' with a cup of tea without the slightest hint of a "do you want a drink in there?" from her....
Roll on 6 years.....
Wife 8 months off work on materity, me working away sometimes 7 days a week to pay for the house renovations, trying to build a business up local so I don't have to work away any more and complete the renovations on the house in my spare minutes all the while the one day for example the wife sat on the sofa watching the royal wedding whilst my father and I were sweating our balls off upstairs trying to finish the house for the arrival of DD..... She also has a lot of issues that I feel she NEEDS my help to resolve when in reality she NEEDS to want to resolve them herself but she doesn't acnowledge they are actually real problems....
Amongst all of this I dont give her enough of ME? so goes elsewhere for emotional support..... and lots of shags!
Does this mean I'm the reason for both the relationships going tits up?
[This message edited by foreverempty at 3:03 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]
I also read a good book titled, "The New Co-Dependent" by Melody Beattie (spelling of last name?). Ohmygoodness, did she ever hit the bullseye! Again, IC recommended this book.
The critical thing here is that I've been reading & doing my personal growth for ME AND MY KIDS. I'm not doing it for WH or the marriage.
Unfortunately, I learned that in counseling, the WS doesn't see your efforts of giving as supporting the relationship. They see it as controlling (which really underneath it all, it is) and become resentful. In no way does it mean that you caused the A or I. But it does mean that as the WS emotionally removes themselves from you, you "give more" and grasp for more control.
I'm still in marriage counseling, but now I feel free. I don't feel I have to run around always being the one who does everything and gives everything. Now I feel that HE helps take care of me.
A great book that helped him: The Flight From Intimacy: Healing your Relationship of Counter-Dependency. I learned that the other side of co-dependency is counter-dependency. He fit the counter-dependent profile to a T.
-Feels anxiety when has nothing to do.
-Looks to other people, substances or activities to make them feel good.
-Has difficulty assessing wants or needs.
-Feels that he or she will be smothered if gets to close to spouse or friend.
-Anxiety towards intimacy.
-Exaggerates accomplishments, especially when meeting new people.
-Is afraid people will find out "who they really are."
-Demands perfection from self and others.
-Works long hours, but never seems to finish work.
-Feels controlled by others' expectations.
-Must always "be right."
-Afraid of being consumed by needs of others.
-Feels overly important when asked for advice or opinion.
-Difficulty forming and maintaining intimate relationships.
-Has trouble deciding if he/she wants sex or nurturing touch.
-Has trouble relaxing/chronic tension.
-Need to be center of attention.
-Does not like to admit mistakes.
-Projects anger when he/she actually feels guilt.
-Rejects help from others.
-Thoughts about sex each day that interfere with work.
-Often compares self to others.
-Fear of being controlled by others.
-Non-empathetic/Does not see needs of others.
-Denial of problems/denial of problems in others.