SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Get Your Loved One Sober - Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening" by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe.

Anyone read this? I just got it yesterday. It's based on the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach to subastance abuse treatment. They were saying that most alcoholics and addicts who seek treatment only have success when *they* want to go (makes sense) and this is an approach to encourage them to seek treatment. A lot of it is observing behavior and behavior modification. It fits fine with Alanon etc. principles and it's not controlling but it is *smart* and they say that this method has led 74% of alcoholics and 69% of substance abusers who are partners/children/etc. of the person using to seek treatment, and that the treatment is also more successful because it's the user who has sought it.

Also, there is a part about evaulating whether you've really done all you can do so you know when you really need to walk away and you can do that with a clear head.

I skimmed through but have not read the whole book yet. I did see healthy behavior in the examples though.

Case in point:

Wife notices that Husband always winds up stopping at a bar on the way home and having too many drinks when Husband's Friend needs a ride home. (Husband's Friend has an unreliable car and needs rides rather often.)

Wife considers options and decides that since Husband likes family dinners and is proud of the family, she might be able to prevent the next stop at a bar by changing her reaction to the phone call when Husband says he's taking Friend home.

Next time Husband calls to say Friend's car has broken, Wife invites Friend to dinner but says they must be there by 5:30 (which leaves not enough time for them to stop at a bar.) They stop at the bar, and get home at 6:30. Wife is gone with the kids but has left delicious dinner for them and a nice note that says "Sorry we missed you, we waited until 6:00 but the kids have a playdate."

Next time Friend needs a ride, she invites again and Husband and Friend are there on time.

Now -- this worked for her, but it might not have, depending. Point is, it's not controlling (because 5:30 is normal dinnertime)

Other examples: Wife and Husband usually have fight if he comes home tipsy. Wife decides on new plan -- husband comes home tipsy. Wife says I'm glad you're home. Husband is pleasantly surprised that she isn't starting fight and asks her to watch a ballgame with her. Wife thanks him for the invitation and says but I don't like to be around you when you've been drinking so I'm going to take a bath and read before bed and that's what she does. Next day, when he comes home sober she watches a game with him and makes it really fun.

I think the really important point in this system is: make it FUN to be sober for the addict.

Anyone familiar with any of this? Tried it?

I'm sure there's a lot I'm missing, but it sounds pretty passive/aggressive and controlling to me.

Not to mention unrealistic. It seems to me it could lead to a bunch of temporary changes.

ETA: I'm not sure how much I'd be willing to change my life to babysit my loved one like that. And yes, I have an addict in my family. One who I have worked hard detaching from.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 3:42 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]

Sounds freakishly enabling to me.

But then again, I just ended a 20+ year relationship/marriage to an alcoholic.

AJ's MOM

Very interesting. I'm not sure I agree with it, but I, too, am dealing with an alcoholic who at this very moment is away from home drinking from a hidden bottle that he lied to me about....so, I'm not very objective.

I guess when you finally get to the point I'm at, anything is worth a try. I may try that tonight.

there is a part about evaulating whether you've really done all you can do so you know when you really need to walk away and you can do that with a clear head.

You can't do anything about his alcoholism.

I don't know how the book could be consistent with Al-Anon because the first step is to admit that you are powerless over your loved one's addiction. Al-Anon is focused on you getting healthy in the face of a loved one's addiction, not how to change your loved one's behavior. That's an impossible task.

Wife considers options and decides that since Husband likes family dinners and is proud of the family, she might be able to prevent the next stop at a bar by changing her reaction to the phone call when Husband says he's taking Friend home.

This is called You Owning His Behavior and it is not healthy. Think about it this way... how different is this approach than trying to be a better wife so he won't be inclined to cheat?

D.E.T.A.C.H. (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). That's an Al-Anon slogan, and it's the healthiest way I know to handle the situation. What you are describing is the opposite of detaching.

I hope this doesn't come off as being harsh because I don't mean it to be. I do mean to be frank. When I was where you are now, I hated hearing this. In the end, it was the people who were willing to be honest that finally pushed me out of my denial.

(((AG)))

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 10:15 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]

No! Not harsh a at all. This is why I'm asking. Something about it didn't sit right with me but I am intrigued by their (admittedly self-proclaimed) success rate.

My (old) IC used to say "do X" and I would say isn't that controlling and she'd say - well, are we talking about someone who is in control of himself?

I'm trying to step back and detach, but it's hard. I've got small kids and some things just need to get done. I guess I need to make time to go to Alanon.

The bottom line is that I'm really tired of all the bad behavior. I just am. And I've bent myself over backwards to try to find a way for the A to not be a deal breaker, but it is. (insert whiny "but I loooovvve himmm" here...)

But the truth remains that (1) I will have to leave the kids with him and (2) they won't be safe.

So, what do I do? Cringe when I drop the kids off and pray for the best? Stay in a marriage I no longer want to be in. All these years of boozing (and apparently whoring too, lucky me!) I think they've changed him. Apparently he was never quite who I thought he was, but he's worse now.

A few Al-Anon meetings (especially at churches) provide childcare, but I had the same problem you have.

I started doing online Al-Anon meeting, and I found a drop-off childcare that could handle DS for a couple of hours so I could go to a meeting.

I also discovered the book "Codependent No More" and read it like a bible of codependent recovery. I didn't realize how unhealthy I had become just living with an alcoholic.

I guess I need to make time to go to Alanon

I used to think I didn't have time. It wasn't until someone asked me if DS having a healthy, full present mom was more important than making sure the dishes were washed that I was able to put my time issues into perspective.

You can't make someone else's addicted brain into an unaddicted brain by changing your behavior. That is pure crazy making and the whole reason why al anon exists.

You can only change your behavior to take care of yourself as best you can while you are living with an addict.

Perhaps these authors find these techniques a helpful adjunct to the spouse being in treatment, but it is not a method of getting anyone sober that is for sure.