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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs and encouragement.

njgal - yes, I agree. Whether it be fog or emotional dysfunction, he does not get it. I am in a corner for sure.

Nell - Thanks. I have lots of friends that want to shake him also.

Honest - I told him to move. I think he was relieved. I know he is. He's emotionally exhausted and so am I quite frankly. We have found ourselves in a very yucky place. We are thinking about house sharing for six months or until next summer so the kids will stay consistently in their own space. Most moments, I am fine with it. I can't make you love me if you don't, ya know? Other times, I just can't believe I'm here.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1st, happy birthday Allgood.

Lazy morning staying in bed to watch the first mountain stage of the tour de France.

Spent the mid-day replacing a couple of tires on the boat trailer that failed on the 4th. When one of them failed it trashed the brake pads, so changed the pads on that axle too. New pads, new tires, fresh greasing, everything is good to go. I know I can again rely on the trailer.

Got home, and the new refrigerator arrived to replace the old one that died Thursday. A little pricy with us being on one income, but again I know I can relax and rely on it for years to come (certainly the first warranty year ) They really should deliver refrigerators with chilled beer installed and ready to go.

If only life were like that. Throw away the trashed parts, fix the broken, a little maintanance and good to go for another year or more.

We are to talk tonight...

Weather is looking better, I may get a boat trip tomorrow.

eta: upside of refrigerator failing is the need to cook and eat the 5-8# of stonecrab claws and half dozen steak fillets we had frozen in there.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 5:11 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Awakened))

It just sucks.
Have you told the kids yet? How are they doing? How are YOU doing? Please feel free to vent here, you seem to be holding A LOT in for what you are going through, unless you have enough in real life support - which would be great.

Today stbx was pretty thoughtful. Looked over at him a few times during my bday lunch today & thought how attractive he is, how I am still attracted to so many things about him, but I quickly reminded myself that this is just a small fraction of who he is. I realize he is more than the guy who cheated on me & a lot of that is good stuff, but unfortunately, his actions have scared the crap out of me and he has not been able to undo that. So, it's time to move on.

Hard as it is, it does get better with each day.

Strongish: How are you doing? Is WS still finding excuses to break NC with you?

Ats: hope you enjoy your meal & your talk.

As for me: had a nice day. Watched my son's game (he's awesome ), went out to a late lunch with stbx and kids and I'm now waiting for my daughter to wake up before heading over to the in-laws.

Not a bad day at all.

Peace out.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I'm so sorry that I haven't checked in sooner so that I could wish you a Happy Birthday!! I'm so glad that the day turned out to be better than you thought it would be.

Awakened - my FWH and I tried the in-house S and it was a disaster from my point of view. It's just not in my nature to ignore someone standing in front of me, especially in front of my kids. I was still cooking dinner for everyone that was home as it would have been obvious/uncomfortable for me to cook for DS17 and me and not for FWH when he was upstairs working. We tried it for about 2 months and I was miserable. I had a very tough time keeping my boundaries seeing him as often as I did, and that was with his traveling 3-6 days/week. He would get pissy if I would "inform" him that I was having dinner with a friend instead of asking if he had anything else planned. Seriously. The only way I am able to maintain the little bit of boundary that I have is because we physically S. Others have had more success than I have, this is just one perspective.

My BFF and I had a glass/bottle of wine last night. She is pulling the trigger on S from her WH of 26 years. She's been dealing with the fallout of his A for 2 years and despite IC and MC they are still miserable together. Even their DD22 thinks they should S! We are a pair! The good news is that we rarely compare our idiot WSs, they are both just so exceptionally stupid all on their own. I now have 4 friends that are either S or D in the past month. All of us are with kids either in their last year of HS or none left at home. I guess we're all looking at our M and asking ourselves if this is really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sadly, we're all coming to the same conclusion.

FWH has been better about NC and I am getting less anxious about the S. I am sleeping better and I may have even put a few lbs. back on. :-( No more desserts for me!

{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: glad your day is going well...happy birthday again..


strong: you sound really good, and i am glad you have someone irl to bond with, kind commiserate with...sorry though that you are both in the throes of it...


ats: hang in there and hopin your talk goes well...

awakened...i am living with an inhouse s....and no one knows except a few close friends...hard cannot begin to cover it....and it all sucks...living like this is on some days impossible...i will admit that there are days that i am grateful for it, but all the days i feel like that either have to do with my kids or the financial end of it...


i have chosen this path because i am choosing to be mother first and then me second....dont get me wrong here, i am putting me in a much higher position then i ever have before and i am taking care of me, i am just putting some of life on hold for my kids who are all teens...tis my path of least regret....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops its a double...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:21 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Allgood!

ETA -- just barely made it in under the deadline. ;)

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:58 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, me again...coming back to the fountain of understanding for more healing.

Spent the day going to the art museum, shopping and dinner with friends. As I arrived home, WH left to go do his thing. Can't help but to be amazed at the similar place I was just one year ago...so far away, yet so familiar.

Sorry, I didn't mean an in-house S, I meant getting one small place and us both rotating in and out of it. This could very well be a disaster as well, but we are thinking it would be easier on the kids to transition them into the idea. He travels a lot so I don't think it will be too hard on me. Also, staying with friends or at another place may be easier than being at home while kids go to him. I don't know, still tossing it out. In our neighborhood, the rent is expensive so it's a way to get a smaller place and ease into this.

We have not told the kids. I think we need to get some more things finalized. They have swimming championships coming up as well and if I had to guess, we will wait until after that? I don't know. The avoid-er can only discuss these things for short spurts of time. Oh my God, do I dread that day. A day they will always remember. Painful and life changing.....

Vent? I'm so many emotions right now. Logically, I get it. I must step through this door to go forward one way or another. I can't sit in the feeling of lonely any longer. In fact, I don't know if I have ever really been the recipient of an unselfish love so perhaps the best is yet to come for me. But the heavy in me right now is - although I have trying to prepare myself for a year, letting go of this dream and this person surely will be the hardest things I have ever done. I am angry at myself even....how did I get here? How am I the one crying at the end of this? I have tried so hard and I can hold your head of high.....yet it feels like a failure.

My friend said that my identity was so wrapped up in him, that it is obvious I want him to still love me. There in lies the problem, I guess. He is the person I built my life with, had children with, trusted my heart to.....and in the end, it's just as much a crumbling mess as my own early childhood. No matter what you do to try and build this different life, you cannot control someone else's actions. Heartbreak is not the word.

But, you all, at least in part, understand this feeling. I do have supportive friends but they have not been married as long or had LTA's (at least they don't think). All were supportive of R, but none are happy about the effort on his part. I could list umpteen things he has done this year that were selfish or over the line with flirting. No lesson learned for him....just eating cake until he was forced to stop. So anyway, thanks again for the support. One foot in front of the other.....


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so tired of being the asshole. I deserve better, and she should not have to deal with anyone so unreasonable.

How much do I pay for a wedding I am not welcome to attend? But should it be OK for her to attend with her X and maybe bil?

She, or anyone, deserves better than a needy and demanding me. And I deserve a relationship where I am not so needy and demanding of attention.

I understand she cannot choose between me and family, but I am not the one who requires the choice. I am simply the one who refuses to be treated as the problem to be avoided.

We married for the wrong reasons, no wonder we are unable to R that M.

eta: I am a reasonable and empathic man, but I am still a man. My needs and expectations are not unreasonable. Unreasonable to her, sure, but not unreasonable as a man and partner.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:53 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
you are not being unreasonable. In the Bible it says that a man will leave his mother and father and be united with his wife.
Marriage means that you need to put the needs of your husband or wife before that of your family of origin. You continue to honor your parents etc. but not at the expense of your spouse.
There is something very wrong about your wife excluding you from these family functions. I would feel awful if my husband did that to me. Its as if she is is not proud of you , does not want to show a united front, etc. And from the sound of it there is no real reason for this...you never did anything awful to her family memebers.
It's unfortunate because instead of using these family functions as opportunities for healing for all of you she is creating a situation where she is distancing herself from you. IDK maybe I'm off track on this.
But, considering the fact that she was the one that created so much hurt and damage due to the LTAs...you would think that her goal now would be to do things that help heal your marriage and create opportunities for the two of you to be united and closer than ever.
Just my opinion.

awakened- Of course you still have loving feelings for your husband. You married him for love and built a life around him-which is as it should be. He is the father of your children. You trusted him and believed that he would always be there for you and your children.
Unfortunately, your husband's thinking has taken a very toxic turn. For whatever reason he has decided that being married and being a father is not enough for him. He needs the attention of other women.
I'm sorry that you gave your husband the gift of forgiveness and he threw it away. He continued to behave in inappropriate ways and disrespect you and your marriage.
He's really leaving you very little choice but to implement the 180.
You can read about the 180 in the healing library (click on yellow box on the left of the screen and then click on articles).
First and foremost the 180 is meant to help you detach, get stronger, etc.
But, it often has a postive effect on the WS.It can bring the WS out of the fog and shock him back into reality.
When the WS is activley engaged in the affair he/she is in a fog. The fantasy of the affair is very compelling. You as the wife and mother represent reality-not so much fun.
He loves you and the kids but after a number of years of marriage they begin to take us for granted, take everything that they hold dear for granted.
And other affair partners and flirtations seem more fun, exciting, etc.

The 180 can help put things in perspective. He cannot have both. He cannot continue to have the comfort and security and love of his wife and also be able to pursue the 'rush' of the excitement of the affair.
When you implement the 180 he will have to choose.
Of course, there is the chance that he may choose the single lifestyle but in many cases realizing that all that he is losing causes the WS to wake up.

I'm not sure how a living situation like yours will work. The main idea of the 180 is for the WS to feel the full effect of their choices, to really have consequences. To realize how inconvenient and expensive and how final divorce will be. IMHO co-habiting does not give the WS this experience.
But, again... I have to remind you that there is a chance if you separate that it could be final. You have to be willing to take that risk in the hopes of saving your marriage.
A book that I found helpful was written by James Dobson-Love Must Be Tough. He is a Christian author and definitely a big believer in marriage but in the case of a WS that will not end his affair or his cake eating Dobson advices a 180 approach. He gives lots of reasons why this apprach works much better than begging and pleading to save the marriage.
He compares the WS to a rebellious teenager and the more you try to hold on the more they will pull away.
So his advice is to let them go. Tell them that if this lifestyle is what they prefer over being married...then fine...go ahead and pursue that. But, you can't have both


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened:

I completely understand howyou are feeling. I WAS there. So was my stbx - not so much with the distancing kind of behavior you described, but in every other way.
Perhaps it will give you some hope to know that I have been able to get to a point of detaching that has allowed me to be in a pretty good emotional place over the past few weeks. Stbx & I agreed to s/d at the end of February. We told our kids at thend of June so as to let them finish their school year, finals, graduations, etc. unaffected. I have 2 kids the same age as yours. Since then, I've been a lot better.
I attribute this to 2 things:

1st, it was really hard, I think on my ego, to think someone that knew me the best, I was closest to, etc. rejected me. This was compounded by what was the equivalent of a constant battering over the course of R, not taking the opportunity seriously enough & doing/saying things to make it worse. I continued to feel this way after we decided to s/d, because I couldn't believe that he signed an agreement with such severe (yet typical) life changing repurcussions for him & he still didn't reach a point where he snapped & begam to fight for the marriage. He's also not one to express emotions, so it was so hard for me to see him act as if nothing had happened while I was falling apart. It made me wonder how little I must have meant to him. I really had to repeatedly remind myself that this has nothing to do with me. Now, that we've told our kids & I'm doing more, I see him actually be uncomfortable with me moving on. This has helped my ego tremendously. Also, I remembered that a lot of my happy married/couple moments were from a loooong time ago.

The 2nd thing is the tremendous relief I felt after telling our kids. It was awful, but it was still a relief. Now there's no going back, it was done. And while I know the full backlash will not occur until he moves out, I am still far happier with the prospect of new opportunities than I was before. (It also helped to realize that like you, perhaps, there were very few times the family was together, say all day, etc. so it won't be hugely different for them.)

The house sharing concept - we call it "nesting" here. It's pretty rare & for good reason. It's horribly expensive & inconvenient. I've really only seen it when you have a true custody battle between 2 equally good parents & neither one wants to risk losing custody & they both have the funding to do this.
Think about the full range of consequences before committing to this concept, including talking to someone who has lived this way.

Ats: clearly this talk was about more than the wedding gift wasn't it? I agree you are more than reasonable, however, if you are controlling the purse strings at this point due to her unemployment, in fairness, I think you need to give her some money for the gift. Was it her call to not invite you or her daughter's?
Either way - big hug.
((Ats))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.. You know how I speak so often about desirables. Not only are we responsible for making sure we are desirable to our spouses, they must be desirable to us too. It sounds so easy, yet so hard.

Ats… Your being a reasonable and empathic man is being desirable.
A partner in marriage means compromises on anything you both spend money. Do you even want to attend that wedding? I doubt it. Is it really the money? This too… “We married for the wrong reasons” is negative self talk. This is very undesirable. If you keep thinking this, you need to quit lying to yourself and just D. It has been too long continue to punish yourself with these emotions.

And for you Ms. Ats… Why do you insist on causing emotions by wanting to be with people that causes your H pain? You continue to place your H behind your selfishness. YOU MUST stop being undesirable. That is very unattractive. Can’t you see it? It is wrong to intentionally hurt someone you married. Divorce ats you weak woman. Make the choice to either start loving, or go find someone else to abuse. How hard is it to love someone?

And I so agree with NJgal. I truly believe my W and I put us both as the most valuable person on earth to each other. That is marriage. I place higher value on my W than anyone on this earth. This is marriage. Old wise people that wrote the bible have figured this out long ago. You both agreed years ago to marry. What that means is placing your partner above all others. DO YOU GET THAT? It's OK if either of you cannot do it. Just be honest to yourselves to know you cannot be happy with each other. Make the effort to achieve happiness! And that may or may not mean being M.

So.. I post the desirables again…. Every desirable is achievable with effort, a choice, a decision... Funny how when we first meet people we can do them all. Then as time goes on, the ugliness comes out with those selfish behaviors and undesirables. It is human to be undesirable too. But it does not mean you cannot change and forgive. The part that is most important is the commitment and actions by both to do nothing but desirables.

These are Desire Builders
- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer

These are Desire destroyers
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Negative attitude
- Continueing Negative behaviors
- No communication
- No reliance on God or lack of spirituality
- Holding a grudge’
- Name calling
- Negative “self talk”
- Disrespect
- “Must win” Attitude
- Living the past

And you must make an effort everyday to understand why there are good marriages.
Studies that show what people in healthy marriages do:


- Shared Spirituality
- Have a support system of other couples who strongly believe in Marriage
- Frequently Affirm each other
- Spend quality and quantity time together
-Communicate and Listen easily and well
- Approach conflict constructively as a learning experience
- Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship
- Are open to change
- Have s sense of commitment and faithfulness to one another
- Have unity based on shared values and goals
- Have a sense of Play and humor
- Have a deep sense of Trust
- continue to experience Forgiveness
- Value service to each other


I hope you both can figure out what you need to be happy. A good marriage and partner will make you happy.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:39 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakened, allgood has given you amazing advice...

i think for all of us, the hardest part is that the people we thought they were, they arent...and its so so hard to see beyond that...he looks the same, jokes the same...the stuff you like is still there...but then there is this whole other side of him that you never knew...making him not the man you thought he was...so essentially that man is dead, and its so hard to deal with that death when his look alike, talk alike double is in front of you everyday...

i liken it to when princess diana died...it felt so unreal, and more and more unreal everytime they showed footage of her...its so hard to believe someone is gone when you keep seeing them so to speak....making it all so surreal...

and as njgal reminds us, we all suffered from ptsd from this experience....and the fallout from that can be long standing not to mention overwhelming....

ats: what if you point blank refused to do contribute anything and let her use only her money and her money only...i think its only fitting since its only she that is invited and only she that is going.....which mrs ats you have no business doing...

gotta go, bbl


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does the song go...

I've got ny toes in the water, my butt in the sand, a cold beer in my hand.

From a remote beach on the gulf coast of FL


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -- Mrs. ATS doesn't want him to pay for a gift -- she wants him to pay for THE WEDDING. AND NOT GO. Unless I read that wrong?

God, I hope I read that wrong, but I don't think I did.

OK. ATS -- Your step daughter has a father somewhere so the wedding costs are his problem. your wife should be able to buy her a gift and you should both go to the wedding. The gift should be generous but not something that will strain your budget. If your wife has to get her something smaller than she might like, tough shit, I guess she should have stayed employed.

But, honestly, you could have read all that in the Emily Post etiquette book. Well, without the beligerent cursing.

At this point though -- I think every family function needs to be with BOTH of you or you should call the M quits. This is one of those non-negotiable post Dday things.

And, ATS, honestly, if I were you I would probably stay home, see a lawyer, and file. And screw this woman getting the kids thing. You've got one son who is in HS and she's the raging wreck. Get a good attorney and have that attorney make HER leave. You get the house, you get custody, and she should pay CS based on her imputed income of what she was making before she got canned. And don't let her come back after 2 weeks -- go NC, get an intermediary...

I think we're even more tired of her bad attitude than you are...

Awakened

My friend said that my identity was so wrapped up in him, that it is obvious I want him to still love me. There in lies the problem, I guess. He is the person I built my life with, had children with, trusted my heart to.....and in the end, it's just as much a crumbling mess as my own early childhood. No matter what you do to try and build this different life, you cannot control someone else's actions. Heartbreak is not the word.

I hear ya. My little family was my big dream. But you can dream other dreams. There was a you before you knew him. You'll just feel a little lost while you're finding your identity again. You're going to be just fine, I swear. Did you send Laura your dream? It took me a while to think about what to send... then I remembered how much I love traveling and how much I drool over those trips...

Love yourself. You're everything you need to be in this moment, complete as you are and totally within yourself. Have faith in that. As long as you trust yourself and respect your own feelings, you will know what to do.

ETA -- ATS; that was my ringtone on my phone for a whole year!

[This message edited by m334455 at 1:44 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood -
1st, it was really hard, I think on my ego, to think someone that knew me the best, I was closest to, etc. rejected me. This was compounded by what was the equivalent of a constant battering over the course of R, not taking the opportunity seriously enough & doing/saying things to make it worse.

How I feel exactly. I have told him repeatedly, it's one thing to stray...it's quite another for this treatment, this kind of effort after the fact. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since both actions are selfish but the post affair actions are direct vs. cowardly.

atsenaotie - jealous!!

m334455 - I hear ya. It's hard to remember my dream from when I was 17. I thought we made such a wonderful pair because he brought the fun and adventure. I was stable, thoughtful yet ready for adventure. I moved across the country with him, we both got our degrees with the others support, had some amazing kids. My dreams are in me for sure. I may look back as this being the best thing for me. Have to learn how to be the action person now.

njgal - Been trying the 180 all along. Hard to stick to when they lure you back in with kindness and a good conversation...then the next day - BAM, distance again. I need him out. I long to give him NC. He thinks he's going to get this free flowing in and out kind of separation. Wish I could be that way for him but I need space, distance and I need it fast!


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -- Mrs. ATS doesn't want him to pay for a gift -- she wants him to pay for THE WEDDING. AND NOT GO. Unless I read that wrong?

Holy crap - I reread it & I think you are right! Not that it's surprising that your are right, mind you, but the thought that you would be financing the wedding itself is so f-n ridiculous it never occurred to me that was what was being said!

Ats: anything other than a gift is out of the question. The bride herself has treated you like crap & basically cut you out of her life, she should have no expectation that you contribute to the costs & quite frankly, neither should your wife, not the way things are going anyway.

Ugh.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:02 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats

Entitled comes to mind!!! How often on here do we talk about the over-inflated sense of entitlement that WSs have. ME ME ME! I WANT!!! And Mrs ats is still displaying this behaviour. The woman astounds me. Clearly ats you have spoiled her. You have spoiled her with your love and willingness to do anything to make her happy. Willingness to do anything to R after her sick betrayals. She is behaving like a spoilt brat.

as M33 said

I think we're even more tired of her bad attitude than you are...

I am so annoyed with her I could slap her.

As for her family well I'm meaner than you are! I would have totally cut contact ages ago. In my sich I actally have. I refuse to attend any family gatherings when some relatives are going to be there. I haven't spoken to his mother for well over a year. If he doesn't like it tough!! They are toxic people and I want nothing to do with them.

ats - you are an attractive, loving, faithful man and she is a spoilt fool.

Allgood

Wow. You really are Wonder Woman. It's great to hear you sounding so positive. I know this must still be so terribly painful for you but you are awesome in your resolve and courage in moving on with your life.

Awakened

The "nesting" concept. Does this mean that when each of you have the kids you stay in the family home while the other stays in the small apartment and you rotate around? Sounds simple and convenient to me. TOO convenient for the (F)WS. It's one thing to spilt amicably (without infidelity) but I'm afraid the vindictive bitch in me says "Why should the (F)WS keep any of the perks of marriage when he/she chooses to physically and/or emotionally abandon the BS?"

I cannot remember. How old are your kids? Telling them will be tough but the experience of most of us on here is that they cope better than we expect and the relief we feel after telling them is extraordinary.

I'm with NJgal on this

Tell them that if this lifestyle is what they prefer over being married...then fine...go ahead and pursue that. But, you can't have both

I wouldn't do this "nesting" thing. JMHO.

((((Strong))))

You are also sounding stronger honey. Keep your chin up. We are all here for you.

Miracle

to do with my kids or the financial end of it...

i am just putting some of life on hold for my kids who are all teens...tis my path of least regret

You have done so well to hold to your path for so long. But miracle I can hear a sadness and a weariness in your words. I hope you are getting much closer to the day. I feel your sich is starting to take too big a toll on you. (((miracle)))

Tryn

That is marriage. I place higher value on my W than anyone on this earth.

You truly are the loveliest man. Your clear-headed practical but loving approach to this shit is extraordinary. You never deviate. You know exactly what is needed in a worthwhile marriage, demand that and nothing less and give yourself 100% to keeping up your end. Why couldn't we LTA ladies have a man like you?

Actually with a little luck some who are S or D will find one. I can't wait to hear that's happened!!!!!

So tribe all is OK in Laura's house. FWH arrived home last night. Mildly annoyed DS who can be a cranky SOB at times. But I guess that's normal family life.

There are still a few members of the tribe whose dreams I'd love to hear about. Dip, Honest, 0115, UK, Fun, Jollum, Lost, BH and other lurkers. Come on people. Not only do we want to know your dreams we want to hear from you. Some of you haven't posted for a while. I get very anxious when some of our friends don't check in.

Have a great day, evening, night tribe

Love and HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

End of the weekend and back to work tomorrow. Of course, I've already done the marketing, washing, cooking, etc. just to get ready for the coming week! I've tried to spend some time this weekend preparing for the busy week ahead. As of 18 July I will be returning to work, in the downtown office building, pretty much full-time. I will still be a contract employee but my boss (who was my old boss...love her!) has been holding on to multiple tasks/cases for me to work on as we've been in a holding pattern for several months on whether I would be returning to work at this particular firm. I'm not wild about the firm, but I love the attorney I work with/for so that makes it worthwhile. I haven't been back in the office on a regular basis since 2007 so I did an inventory of my business clothes this morning to see what still fits, what is completely hideous and what will work. I've got a few combinations that will work for the first couple of weeks until I get a real paycheck and then I can add to my business wardrobe.

ats - I have to agree with the others here. Mrs. ats is really taking advantage of you and you deserve so much better. Sometimes it's difficult to be objective about your personal life unless someone outside of that life points it out to you. We are here to tell you.....this woman is not doing what it takes to R; to make you feel wanted; to make you feel sexy; to make you feel respect for her or youself. It's been such a long, long road for you. I would give anything to have you spend a week at Onsite. The people there really opened my eyes to what my sich looked like from outside my own perspective and it gave me clarity. Does it hurt?? Hell yeah! As awakened posted, we are all in various stages of finding out that our WS is not the person we thought they were. To be fair, we're probably not the person they thought we were either, but in order to be happy we absolutely have to be honest with ourselves. WEHAVE TO BE US. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is the one life that you have been given to live and by God, you deserve to live that life so happy that you wake up smiling every day. Seriously. Yes, in order to get to the happy side of life we sometimes have to slog through the ugly shit. God knows Miracle does it every day, Awakened and Allgood have told their WSs to move out, as have I. It sucks....completely. Is it fair?? Hell, no! But life isn't fair. We can stamp our feet, punch a pillow (no, seriously I punch a pillow to vent my anger at the unfairness of it), yell, scream, whatever, but nothing you can do will change Mrs. ats. She has got to do the work herself. If she's not willing to do it to save your M, then you have your answer.

Awakened - You're right, most of us here do know what it feels like to have to face the fact that our WSs are not who we thought they were. We are all in various stages of grief. We are sad that we have lost our best friend, our lover, our partner, our confidante, our trusted advisor and the person we have made a family with. I am just over 1 year out and I will tell you that I still have times when I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. The episodes are fewer and farther between, but like Allgood, my life became so much better once I was no longer keeping this huge secret from my kids. It's not what I wanted for my kids, but I have found that they are handling it so much better than I thought they would. M3 talks about the new dreams you can have. Really give some thought to that...go big! At one point I thought that I might apply to work at Disneyworld. I love DW and I thought it would be fun to work there. Now I think that it would be more fun to keep it a vacation place.

I have bought several more pairs of big-girl panties as I will be required to wear them more frequently as I restart my life in the business world. I'm nervous, but not overwhelmed. It's gonna be okay....it's gonna be okay.

[This message edited by strongish at 5:52 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

YOU ARE AMAZING

Good luck with the job!!!! I think you will LOVE it.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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