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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong - dont need new big girl panties - just a new pair of high heals & a sassy walk.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

How are YOU today? I think you should really start to share your feelings with us more.

Hope you have a good day

just a new pair of high heals & a sassy walk.

Couldn't agree more

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP is struggling a little atm. The new job isnt what I really want to do - a mistake career wise but it pays the bills for now. I'm looking for a new job - new/higher expectations. I compromised myself to care for my family.
Note sure if the dssatifaction job wise is impacting my overall discontent or other factors are having an influence.
I thought my anger/rage towards OM had gone but its resurfaced - Im well enough to train again so easing myself back into running & swimming (way to cold this weekend to ride) & heaps of weight training.
Plan to sit down somewhere quiet this coming w/e & refocus on my needs; goal setting; how to achieve these things etc.
Ive lost my way & need to get my mojo back.
shit maybe i need high heals & a sassy walk


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

You should be congratulating yourself. You have found a new job - not ideal but pays the bills, you are focusing on your health, fitness, needs and goals. You are doing great!

As for anger at OM, I suspect that's so bad because you still haven't identified him. Hopefully when you do you will realise he's a sad sack of shit and that the Karma bus will take care of him without any help from you.

He'll be too busy dealing with his poor BW to chase your silly WW!!

Please take care of yourself. I really think that identifying and outing him should be your priority now. No 1 on the list of goals.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shit maybe i need high heals & a sassy walk

Not really sure that's the direction you really want to go in, but...

Please do start finding something for you besides these solo activities. You will feel much, much better.

Wishing you well
(DeepPurple)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow...really wow...i am so proud of all of you...reading these posts i am so struck at how far we have all come.....

first

njgal: you are coming through the other side, finding happiness within your marriage..and you are here almost everyday helping others....giving back

tryn: you are still on the journey, but at the last of it i believe...and instead of moving on like you once thought you would, you are here often helping others and reaffirming yourself in your journey..

allgood: while your sich is not what you wanted, you are getting through it, sounding stronger and stronger with each passing day and more then that you are moving forward with living

strong: you are also still on your journey, and while you are not as far ahead you are further then i think even you would have thought possible not too long ago....you are taking life one day at a time with moves for the future and still keeping options open

purple...while you may not be in your dream job making your dream salary you doing what you gotta do so that sometime in the future you will be able to do what you want to do..while you remain in your marital position you are moving forward with your life...

and laura...a year later and look at how far you have come and your advice to others has been so spot on and you have been here daily to help, i can feel your compassion in your words and i love that you have grown so protective over the rest of us....


honest: i know you have not been posting much, but you have grown so so much my friend...you have gotten stronger with each horrible blow you have grown stronger and more then that you are also beginning to live as opposed to survive


m3...while i still sense you are all over the place with your emotions i know your head is where it needs to be, and more then that i believe you will follow that head of yours when the need comes and give your heart a rest


awakened....you are still so new and raw and you are doing so well....you will get through to the other side because you are putting one foot in front of the other...


0115...one step at a time to get through the door...the door is taking also to the other side....

ats...oh ats you have some such a long way....your head and heart are almost in the same place too...i think you know what is right, i also think you love with all you have....i think its time for you to put your foot down to a few things..


mrs ats...believe it or not you too have come a long way...your progress has been slow and steady...every now and then you take a step backwards or sideways and then come back to the path...keep coming back to the path and remember...put your marriage first at all times and with that you will give yourself and your kids the best gift ever...showing them what a marriage should be and more then that allowing yourself and ats to be happy


dip...your humor always puts a smile on all our faces....i love that you have found us after so many years of doing it alone....so yay for not doing it alone anymore and finding your way through with humor...


nell...oh hon, you make us all laugh..through your humor and sarcastic wit and your unending patience with all of us who struggle with the 180, bless you....


ukgirl and fnf...you wonderful oldies...always chiming in with wisdom and the occasional appropriate slung criticisms..cheering us and jeering our ws's

lovinlife...you dont pop in too often, but when you do the fresh air is unmistakable and totally welcome...showing all of us that happiness is not only possible on the other side but truly can exist....

lostsuol...you dont chime in often and i wish you would...while i know your sich is not ideal you are making the best of it...


and lastly, provided i didnt forget someone..


jollum...as much as you lurk more then you post...being one of our brave men who post here on in lta...no longer hesitating when it strikes..

i think i am forgetting someone....i feel like maria in the sound of music when she asks god in prayer to bless all the children and there was one she could not remember....i only hope it is only one or hopefully none...


the biggest point of this post is to say that we are all doing more then surviving, as much as there are times when we feel that is all we do, we are doing more then that...we are all taking steps to get through to the other side...and we will all thrive at some point in time, we will all thrive....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood & Laura,
Since being sick Ive fallen back into some old negative habits.Need to break free & take control of my life again.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is NoFun?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you allgood....

fun...i know you dont always feel like you have progressed, but you have....you are stong, you are independent and you are taking your time to do whats right for you and you alone....whilst you are still on your journey you have been able to maintain your focus on whats right for fun....and you have shown compassion for mr fun, not easy to do....i know this one well because i have yet to develop that compassion for pfm so i can recognise it in you....so bravo

i still feel like maria in the sound of music and instead of saying thankyou god i will once again say thank you allgood....

hope i didn't forget anyone else....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant -literally - where is she?
She hasn't posted in a long time.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so I was inspired for the first time in a long time....

This one is called A Real Awakening Takes Courage

ats... I hope you find your waves and surf.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive lost my way & need to get my mojo back.
shit maybe i need high heals & a sassy walk

ummm, DP. We all know there are some "guys" who find their mojo with high heels and a sassy walk, but I think that this would be an indication that you had really lost your way.

Seriously

I hope your weekend relection works for you, a day on the water alone did wonders for me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Glad to see you in better spirits.

My vent of the day:

Found a quiet moment with my soon to be 11 year old & noted that it's been a while since we told him about our marital troubles & he seems to be totally fine & asked him what was going on. He just doesn't want to think about it he says. I briefly re-assured him, stating that stbx & I are not getting along at all & that has been largely unnoticed by the kids & it would always be that way - they would see both of us & not be subjected to our disputes.

The change in his eyes when I brought the subject up was very apparent - he was instantly sad.

Makes me want to call up stbx & tell him what a selfish a-hole he is & how he is to blame for subjecting our children to all this crap.

But I won't.

Thanks for listening.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnames,

...tell him what a selfish a-hole he is...

I think a lack of empathy with others and unwillingness or inability to look forward to see potential effects must be a characteristic of those involved in a LTA. How could they continue the A for so long if they had the ability to underswtand what the effect would be on the BS or the ability to look forward and anticipate the consequences. The participants in a LTA are, in my opinion, a different group than those who become infatuated and fall in "love".

Makes me want to call up stbx & tell him what a selfish a-hole he is <snip> But I won't.

Good, it really will not make any impact on him, because he just cannot understand. In his mind I suspect it will just be more proof of how "crazy and controlling" you are.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... I think it is geat you are trying to talk to your kids. I cannot help you with this subject, but wish you Godspeed.

Ats... I sure do wish I lived in FL. I would impose myself to a few days of fun in the sun!

DeepP.. I was in New Orleans a few weeks ago and captured this image. I guess I should post it for you... lol

You think we have problems? Look at a couple more pics I got.

and we could all be a bunch of jackasses.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:08 AM, July 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats... I think people who have LTA have a couple of combined personality behaviors. Greed and fear.

The first is greed. Greed is when you have this excessive desire... with infidelity, it is for lust, sex, and attention. The second is fear. They have a fear of change in assets, comfort of history, fear of embarrassment, shame, and fear of hurting other family members.

As for love as I know it... I can love two people. I can love many people. I love my wife with sex and many other things. I love my kids with gifts, affirmation, and services.

I feel things for both my wife and kids. I feel attractions for my W that I don't have for my kids. I feel curious and inquiring feelings for both my W and Kids. I can feel anger at both too. So much more... But those are feelings, Not love. Love can make feelings as I know it today. Not loving can make feelings. Both you and your W decide what feelings you want to give one another. You cannot decide if someone does not want to love you. You can only protect your feeling with good boundaries.

To think infidelity is not loving two at once has been a great debate on this LTA board.

Awaken.. I'm not afraid to die as I think about it right now. It does not mean I won't feel scared at the time it does happen. Feelings change depending on the choices you make in life.

Iwant.. I like the subject of Infidelity. It is of great study to me since it happened to me. With infidelity comes human feelings which has been intriguing to me for months and months now. I guess you can say, I am getting “in touch with my feelings.” A term I once discounted as bunch of craziness. Maybe it is crazy.. lol.

I have feelings that are very strong with me right now. I can relate my past feelings to those in infidelity at earlier points. I have this desire to help and try to do what I can. This is something my parents really never taught me, and is new to me. It is compassion.

You know what, I am not perfect but I like me these days.

Iwant, How about you? I want to tell you a story in my life. A chapter ended. When I was a child, my grandparents always slept in different bedrooms. I would asked why to my Grandma and she would always take that chance to get a dig in on my grandfather. As I got older and move to Indiana, I had the opportunity to know them. My Grandfather was rumored to have a love child and once told me my grandmother’s family felt sex was evil or something like that. I knew this love child too because she worked in my grandfather’s business. She always looked just like him to me. This past June, my grandfather’s infidelity was publicly validated. My grandfather’s OW died. Her obituary said, my grandfather “was her lifelong partner in life.” For some reason, and for 40 years, my grandmother lived her life married but as single. My mom and I talked about it. Why would grandma want this? My mom answered fear.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:26 AM, July 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:
ats... I think people who have LTA have a couple of combined personality behaviors. Greed and fear.
The first is greed. Greed is when you have this excessive desire... with infidelity, it is for lust, sex, and attention. The second is fear. They have a fear of change in assets, comfort of history, fear of embarrassment, shame, and fear of hurting other family members.

This describes my FWW to a tee. Do you know her?

Also loved the artwork.

Laura28:

I've thought about your project for a long time and I've tried to come up with something. When I saw what Nell wrote I was ready to buy the place next door!

Hm... my dream.
Small log lake cabin in Minnesota... peaceful, quiet, sound of loons in the evening... canoeing and stand-up paddle surfing around the lake... family and friends gathering on the weekends, playing games and laughing... lots of wonderful books to read, dog at my feet, cat on my lap. Doing some traveling every year, going to concerts and art galleries and trying lots of restaurants. Boyos grown up, healthy, successful and in great relationships. And an ATV. WH can come if he can earn his place beside me, or I will go by myself. Either way.

But really, without sounding to melancholy, I had my dream and lost it. We built a new house the same year FWW started her A. It has several acres, a pond, room for an enormous vegetable garden. Everything we've always dreamed about. This was to be our final home where our future grandkids would come and stay and all of the family get together's would be held. Now since finding out that the whole time I was working my butt off to make our dreams a reality my FWW was working on a relationship with another man (and she did try and see if she could make a life with him, she just couldn't convince herself he would be a good husband...go figure) I just refuse to let myself believe in a dream again or at least believe strong enough to work to make it happen again.

With all of that said I am working on trying to have a new dream. Right I still don't have one. The only thing that comes to mind if I could have any life I wanted would be to have a life filled with Peace and Music. I used to be a musician before the A started and over the course of time I've just let that part of my life fade away. If I could just have the cabin Nell spoke of with a front porch big enough to hold 10 or 15 musicians and the time to really do it all, I think I would want that more than anything.

eta: correct my lousy grammer

[This message edited by jollum at 12:20 PM, July 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,

I think your dream sounds great (well, obviously!); I think you need to MAKE time to get back into music; I think that if you move in next door I will finally learn to play the drums and join in your enormous front porch jam-sessions. I'll even make the mojitos.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum, I agree with Nell. Make some "me time" for your music.

tryn -- I think that was your best artwork yet.

To think infidelity is not loving two at once has been a great debate on this LTA board.

OW and I had this discussion once maybe 4 (?) years ago. She was arguing you can love 2 people at once. I countered: "You can't if you're doing it right. Love is not only a feeling; it's an action." If you split the actions that create love between multiple people, all you create is two illusionary fractured lies. You can pant after it all you want and convince yourself you have it all and have more love than others and you're special and enlightened and hold that cupped in your hands, but if the wind blows on it just a little ... poof! It's nothing but dust.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well M3, love has so many different meaning to different people.

The Catholic church beleives Love to be....

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Reading that mean sometime I am not always loving my Wife!

It does not mean I don't pick myself up, a start love'n again.

I think I understand what you mean. While our spouses were loving thier AP, that makes it fact the opposit of loving us. For that period of time in the act, for sure you are not loving you spouse and that affair love is the "illusion" of loving because it is not possible to love two at the same time. An oxymoron is loving two at once.

For me, I don't think LTA are any illusion... It was real. A real relationship that was meaningful in so many ways.

Loving this is an illusion... More from New Orleans...


Love floppers I call it during the LTA. Loving both at the same time.

LTA's does not mean you cannot give someone a chance to love you again. Some may not love you agian, some may.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:12 PM, July 11th (Monday)]


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