Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second is fear. They have a fear of change in assets, comfort of history, fear of embarrassment, shame, and fear of hurting other family members
.

Tryin - couldnt agree more but also fear impacts greatly on the BS as well.The fear of change, the fear of giving up when there maybe a chance, fear of an uncertain future. Fear is a big motivator/demotivator for many people in their everyday life. Some people throw caution to wind & act; others review the situation weigh the pros & cons & act accordingly others procrastinate & put off the inevitable while some are totally paralysed by fear they are unable to act.

Tryin - that is so sad about your grandma.

Jollum - I agree with the others there is no reason why you shouldnt take up music again. Your life will change because of it.You have a gift - share it with others & give them some happiness & joy.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deepp.. As I look at it in hindsight today, my grandfather tried so hard in his life to make up for his betrayal. He built and founded a Girl Scout camp, raised money for crippled kids and started a softball league for girls. But I look at him today as a man that no doubt caused my grandma great hidden pain. All the good he did won't correct his evilness. I hate to call it evil but that is what it is. Does his good balance out? Sure he did good. But that evil is still there too.

It is tragic but that is the life my grandmother accepted.

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

When I have fear in business, I "dive in" the mess. Wierd how things always find out working out OK in the end.

Peace to all!

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:38 PM, July 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I have fear in business, I "dive in" the mess. Wierd how things always find out working out OK in the end.

Very Zen Tryn, leaning into your adversity or fear is the only way through it, to get past it.

One of life's simple pleasures is taking a shower and laying under a ceiling fan after a hot and humid ride home.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe

Allgood

Yes it is so horrible to see our children sad. I remember as a child being sad when my parents fought. It wasn't often but I guess that's why it upset me so much. Yet looking back now I realise that this is why I always tried to shield my children from arguments I had with FWH. But we cannot stop them being hurt by the world. All we can do is be there to hold them.

Life is hard. For both us big kids and little kids. The main thing is that they know YOU love them. A mother's love can soothe any pain. Your kids will be OK. I know they will.

Tryn

Always love your artwork and often go to your collection - inspiring and thought provoking. The pics are cool too.

Topic: Loving two people. Yes I agree it is possible to love more than one person. I love both my kids, I loved my mum, I love my sister and my brothers. But each is a different kind of love and all are honest and open. With emotional LTAs DISHONESTY is the overriding theme. Lying (either directly or by omission) to all parties including the others the WS "loves" becomes necessary to maintain the illicit relationships. I believe that As are total character destroyers.

My FWH was dishonest with everyone he "loved" not just me. He was dishonest with his OWs, with his children, with his family, with my family and with me. The As could not have continued otherwise. So he tainted his "love" for everyone by participating in infidelity.

In Catholicism there is a belief in "mortal" sin. (I am not trying to push my faith here just explain an analogy.) The traditional view was that if you did something truly evil you would go to hell unless you confessed and were sorry. So someone could live a good life and then for whatever reason go and do something truly evil, perhaps die shortly after (without having time to repent) and then spend eternity in hell. This always bothered me. It didn't make sense.

I have done some reading on the subject and found another what I see as a more valid approach. It is called "fundamental option". The theory is that if a person spends their whole lives trying to do "right" by God and others then even a truly evil act is instantly forgiven. It is an aberration and does not reflect the true nature of the person.

The person who is committing "mortal" sin is the one who gradually builds a life of wrong doing. Who lives each day for themselves alone and so builds a life of ever increasing "sin" turning away from God and people. Over time they become more and more blind and oblivious to the evil they do. They actually damn themselves by choosing evil consistently.

The WS is choosing the "evil" fundamental option. They gradually build a life of selfishness and deceit which leads them to damage relationships with all the people they "love".

So for me, this "loving" more than one partner is impossible. The inherent dishonesty means that the WS does not in fact love either partner. And not only that - they are gradually destroying the other "loves" in their lives. The damage to them and their relationships is astounding.

Now I am not suggesting that my love for FWH or anyone for that matter is perfect. Of course it isn't. But I always try to do what is "right" in my relationships with those I love. I could never be consistently dishonest with them over a long period of time. That would not be loving them. So to me the WS is deliberately and consistently CHOOSING dishonesty (evil) over time and this is what is relationship (soul) destroying.

JMHO

Jollum

Your dream. Like you FWH and I dreamt of having a farm, with horses, a nice house, a pool and plenty of space for the kids to play. We got that in 1992. It is a beautiful place. I have worked fulltime as a teacher for 33 yrs. I thought I was working for "us" and for our kids future, but there was no "us". He began his LTAs in 1995 (maybe sooner???) so the dream meant little to him and was shattered for me.

I could now leave this place in an instant. It has lost it's beauty. It means nothing as it is just one giant trigger. If I had been a SAHM he would have found his As much more difficult.

So now I focus on new dreams and I wish you would too. The dreams of the past are tainted. We need to let them go.

I just refuse to let myself believe in a dream again or at least believe strong enough to work to make it happen again.....With all of that said I am working on trying to have a new dream.

Please keep trying. I can see the beginning of your new dream. Life is about looking forward to a happy future. Please try to build on your dream. Then share it with us FOR YOU.

Where is this cabin? What do you see from your porch? What kind of music are you playing? Who is playing with you? Build your dream and maybe one day you can make it happen. Just thinking of your dream will help you feel more peaceful. HUGS

At Laura's Place

All Ok at Laura's today. FWH is at work and DS is still in bed. His depression is still a worry. He continues to spend most days in bed. usually appears about 3pm. BUT he passed all his courses at Uni this semester and when he is up mostly seems OK.

I am so worried about Fun. Please check in honey. We miss you.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

I cross posted with you and DP and ats

Her obituary said, my grandfather “was her lifelong partner in life.”

How dreadfully sad. So terribly sad.

All the good he did won't correct his evilness. I hate to call it evil but that is what it is

Yes, he hurt everyone he "loved". His "fundamental option" in life (in spite of his good works which may have had less than good motives) was evil.

Sad for him and all close to him.

Deep

Where are you do you think on the fear scale? Hopefully this week you will break away from this.

ats

One of life's simple pleasures is taking a shower and laying under a ceiling fan after a hot and humid ride home.

Please try to keep enjoying these simple pleasures. They will help you to keep sane through this shit.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where are you do you think on the fear scale?

On a scale of 1-10 10 being the worst fear & 1 = no fear.

At present about a 6 - it will be addressed this week - the call has been made.


It would be an interesting poll to see where everyone else in the tribe is on the fear scale.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DP

Fear scale

I think I am about a 2 or 3.

The thing is I no longer have much fear of being alone. When dday hit I think this was my greatest fear. Growing old without a partner.

But now I think "whatever". I can live without him. I think I can actually be quite HAPPY without him.

I doubt I would ever trust enough to develop a new serious relationship.

But I could have lots of fun trying

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting response Laura. Just shows how far you have come.
I also wonder how much the fear factor influences our behavour because of the ages of our families - young pre teen children vs teenagers vs adult children who have left home. I'm sure that this factor has a very big influence on our fear.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the fear scale, I'm around a 2. I'm past fear... have seen the lawyer, have started working on my resume, have made a few expensive purchases that needed to be made, etc. I know what would happen next, and am okay with whatever that might be.

Now, having said that, I fully realize that if Something Big And Horrible should happen, I would completely lose my sh!t but I hope that I would rebound quickly.

tryn,
Love turned inward looks a lot like narcissism. Not so much "love" by any definition of the word. While I do not believe that WH truly "loved" OW, he surely didn't love me in any sense of the word, either. He loved himself, but in a twisted, sick way. So he loved no one. Though he parroted the words to whomever was in front of him at the time. Pfft. He was a pathetic loser.

Speaking of which... really... how pathetic to waste 40 YEARS of the life God has given you sneaking around with a married man... and then to have your mistress status announced in your obit? YUCK. It's just so sludgey.

Anyway... the love thing... I am not saying it better than Laura or m3. I like their versions better.

Miracle, thank you for all the lovely words. You have a gift of cutting through the crap and making people feel good at the same time. You are real and I love that about you. No wonder people are drawn to you!

Deep,
A job's a job.
"They" say that it's easier to find a job when you already have a job so you're in a great place!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

I'm positive you are right.

Not having the kids here makes it so much easier for me.

I don't know how I'd cope in your sich or that of others on here with kids for that matter.

I have actually wondered at times if some higher power was taking care of me by not letting me find out util now. I know I would have been a basket case if I had found out any time in the previous 5 yrs as I had way too much other stuff to deal with then.

I also wonder if it was kinder for the kids. FWH was a pretty shitty dad and if he had left for an OW it would have been tougher on them. OTOH I know that neither of the kids have much respect for him - they haven't for a long time, so If I had found out long ago and left they may not have cared much. Or I may have found out, he could've got his shit together and we might have all lived happily ever after. Who knows?

I just know I will be OK now. It's a good feeling.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn...readin about your grandma i remembered some about mine..

she always said sex was for babies, when the babies was done so was the sex..

i completely disagree....then again i didn't have 9 babies...

loving 2 people...im in lauras camp....as much as you can love 2 people....you really cannot be in love with 2 people...not when you truly love, in love them...because when you have comlete love for someone you have no interest in any other...doesnt mean you don't appreciate good looks, good people, but are quite happy with the one....

fear: for me...well being alone, is a zero

making ends meet would be a 3 or 4....i have faith for the most part that i will be able to do what i gotta do...it was how i was raised

meeting another...zero....trusting another...about an 8....

the affect on my kids, mainly manchild...about a 7....much better then it was a year ago, even a month ago...i am actually beginning to believe that manchild will be fine...there are certain things that i instilled in him...as much as pfm's influence did so so much damage....i believe my influence was strong enough for him to get through what comes his way......yup...im startin to believe in the kids foundation at last...


i caught pfm goin through my stuff...he lied of course and tried to blame me in a convoluted way...accusing me of saying that he will turn back into the monster...which i never said...that is one thing i am so not worried about...he turns into the monster, he is outta here before he could say lickity split...the only thing i keep saying without fail is that he is a liar...and he lies about everything and anything...seems to be compulsive...he comes home tonite and tells me he is sorry he lied and wants to talk to me later...the last time he talked to me it was to tell me about his new friend...ought to be interesting or him makin more then what is...never know which way he swings...except he never swings from solid footing...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fear - 9.....alone for the first time ever, coming in 3...2...1. Do I think I can do it? Sure. Scared? Yep.

I have helped WH build a pretty good income. Going back down, after taking many years off to raise kids. Fear is valid. Worth it to stay? Nope.

Interesting topic, my grandparents have RULED how I have dealt with my situation thus far. Grandfather cheated with best friend. He married her and grandmother was devastated-drank herself almost to death. Three kids were hurt, most of all the youngest, my mother. She had me right out of high school, decided she didn't love my father and left me with the grandparents while she figured it out. Married my stepfather, a musician and traveled around until they could be stable. I stayed with grandparents until 2nd grade. Father left after D and didn't connect again until I found him when I was 21, right after I married. Time with grandparents were tumultuous. They were all alcoholics. OW (grandma) adored me, put me on a pedestal. Grandpa was charming and a story teller...made the money. BS Grandma got remarried to sweet guy who eventually was accused of inappropriate touching behavior to cousin. She had arthritis and possibly lupus so she drank to ease the pain - literally and figuratively. The depressed grandma was easier to visit than the grandpa and OW. They were a mess. Jealous, alcoholic, toxic to each other....yet also, loving, generous, and giving to me. My mother, affected by the mess, mothered me in a controlling, avoidance behavior. Strict is a slight term. She wanted to control the chaos. All 3 grandparents died when I was 17 and 18. I met WH when I was 17.
I totally understand the connection. Oh how I wish I could talk and seek wisdom from them now. My mother said that on her father's deathbed, he apologized for his behavior and the hurt. In the end, he had regret. So when dday arrived for me, I took my life lessons and put them into effect. An affair did not bring happiness....quite the contrary. An entire family had been devastated by the behavior. I would not be them. Yet, about a month ago, when I read Codependent, I realized that we were becoming them.....me the jealous one, criticizing the man that everyone loved while he avoided the truth. I saw that continuing the behavior of hyper-vigilance with a man that was not in it.....would end in disaster.

So here I am. My mom is still avoid ant to me, despite her good relationship with my step-dad. Last week I was sitting in a relationship that reminded me so much of my childhood.....I could not even imagine going another day. This time my WS was close with my kids - with me on the outside.

Sorry for the cumbersome story, my point is that as sad as I am that I did not avoid history.....I am extremely hopeful to change it for me. In the end, a strong independent woman for my kids will be the difference.....I hope and pray I can be the difference.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful post Awakened.

{{{{Awakened}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phew....just caught up on the past two pages. With DD home it's more difficult to spend time on SI. She has eyes like a hawk and as she has not started her military job (and probably won't for a few months) she is around all the time. I don't mind, except that I don't get as much privacy.

DP - Hang in there with the job. It may not be what you want right now, but even you said it is paying the bills. Something else will come along in the meantime. Take care of yourself.

Laura - You are amazing girl! I admire your courage.

Fear scale - I'm at a 7. While I'm at peace with FWH not being in the same house, so much of my life is still so unsettled. I worked at my old job yesterday to start finishing up my work there. It was good for my ego to have so many people tell me that they would be sorry to see me go. The office manager knew about the LTA and he reiterated that he thinks FWH is an idiot. That made me feel good!! At some point I was telling DD about this and she agreed. She said that while she loves her Daddy, he has acted like an idiot to have put his relationship with me in jeopardy. She thinks I'm pretty awesome! Now that REALLY made my day!

the affect on my kids, mainly manchild...about a 7....much better then it was a year ago, even a month ago...i am actually beginning to believe that manchild will be fine...there are certain things that i instilled in him...as much as pfm's influence did so so much damage....i believe my influence was strong enough for him to get through what comes his way......yup...im startin to believe in the kids foundation at last...
Miracle - It is so good to hear you say this. I was exactly where you are....certain that the knowledge of the LTA and S would tear my kids apart; that they wouldn't be able to function. As it turns out, like you they have learned compassion and empathy from me and while yes, they are sad at times, it is not the catastrophic event I thought it would be. They are doing a pretty good job of separating the relationship between FWH and me from their relationship with their father. I am very proud of them and I think you will be just as proud of your kids when the time comes. Your path of least regret has been so difficult, but I think I can already see that your steady influence on manchild (and your other kids) is greater than you think.

ats, Honest - What's going on with you?

Nell - It sounds like you are gaining confidence. Yay for you! One step at a time...you CAN do this!

Hope all have a good day!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I have read and will share about meanings of Love.


This is from Stephen Cocey who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.


Love is a verb. In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb.


In healthy people, love meaning, “Something they do.” Opposite of that are people that have behaviors driven by their feelings. If we let our feelings control our behavior, we have given up our responsibility and have empowered our feelings.


Proactive responsible people make love a verb, something you do, that is, the sacrificed you make, the giving of self, like a parent caring for a child.


If you want to learn what love is, then study those who sacrifice for others. (Even for people who offend them or do not love them in return) Love, then, is a value that becomes real through loving actions.


Proactive, responsible people place values above their feelings.
The values he speaks of are something we recognize as good and worthwhile, and we choose to have it in our life NOW by sacrificing other things.



Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakened....wow....so many of us have stories like that....so you are not alone in that either....

my foo has stories, lots of stories...to many stories....and in short fucked up stories..

i wonder all the time how i ended up as well as i have...but then again, look who i chose for a mate...although he fooled everyone...not a person who knows could believe the behavior he has committed...


well last nite....he said not a word...dont know if he forgot, convenient or he chickened out...im bettin on the latter....or maybe he expected me to initiate the convo like i did last time...NOT....


thanks strong for your words of encouragement....

and question....your dd knows everything why hide si from her....my kids or at least my boys claim to know nothing and i dont hide si...i hide with skins or i thought i was hiding it with the skins...kids are too smart these days..


i think your dd would not only be happy you have a support system but would honor your privacy when you wanted or needed it....


tryn: that book...there are quite a few versions...my kids had to read one of the versions in 7th grade..mandatory reading for that summer...they hated it, i liked it..

anyways this jumped at me:

Proactive, responsible people place values above their feelings.
The values he speaks of are something we recognize as good and worthwhile, and we choose to have it in our life NOW by sacrificing other things.

as much as i am living this, there are limits on this type of living...sacrificing your feelings and needs is not a way to live long term...short term...we all have to do that now and then...but never ever long term....its not a way of life but a way of transition whatever that transition is...for me its the transition as mother to single woman....

ok, gotta go, my little charge will be here shortly....have not had him in such a long time...looking forward to him...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

I thought I would chime in on the "fear" discussion.

Fear of financial support - I start with that cuz it's easiest: I'd say 1 out of 10.

Fear of being alone/not having someone significant to share the rest of my life with: pretty high - I'd say a 7.

Fear of the repurcussions to my children: That's at about an 8.

Now, fear associated with staying together with my stbx - well, we'd drop off the fear about my kids to about a 3, but the fear that I would be hurt again, go thru this process again & still have no one significant in my life - that's probably a 9.

All I have time for.
Adios


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this under Reconciliation but didn't get a reply. I need some advice. I need some other wise individual's opinions.

I may not fit in the category of some of the really long LTAs - but I found out that his first PA (he says it wasn't EA - though that's what it was for the 2 years - come to find out - talking,kissing, etc.. though no sex for 2 years). Though he says she meant nothing to him - not like the second OW#2... where that one only last 5 months - up until DDay.
But as we have unpeeled the layers of our M over the past 27 years, the patterns and red flags were there from the beginning.

"Girl" friends at work - those are who he talked to.

1 girl he kissed and she called our house. That was nipped in the bud then. Plus she fished for his boss.

Found at that he came on to 2 friends of ours between then and OW#1. I never knew about those until recently.
They turned him down.

Then 5 years of true As.. that I had NO clue about. None.

We've been in R for about 21 months. There has been NC since almost the beginnng of R (she fished for awhile).

MC and IC... I thought was really helpful.

Lately, it's been very stale and neutral. He doesn't want to do MC or IC anymore. He says they are not going to fix us. He doesn't want to read any books anymore.

He would like to just brush it under the rug - but he knows better and is trying.

But he's tired of the work.. and thinks it should be much more natural now.

I said so do I... but I'm still healing.. I need time to heal. he nods his head.. but he says you'll never be satisfied with me.. and you'll always want more from me.. I'll never meet your expectations - he says.

He says he is a good husband and good father.. he has room for improvement.. but he feelslike he's giving has much as he can now.

When I disagree, he says well we might as well call it quits then.

This is what I was afraid of with him. He has a tough time sustaining effort.. he's never saved a dime in his life.. He has a hard time finishing projects.. and now he's in the fight for his life - our lives.. and I feel like he's kind of giving up.

IF these patterns have been set for decades, can he really change??



Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I'm not afraid of anything. Not even the Devil himself.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WheredoIgonow, yes we welcome you.
IF these patterns have been set for decades, can he really change??

People can change. Having a good relationship can be learned.

You've been at it now 21 months. So what has your IC accomplished with you both?

Do you want your M and why?

Can you list your expectations of him for us? and what is it he is doing or not doing that is the problem?

What does forgiveness mean to you and what is it you do to execute forgivness?

What are you afraid of?

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst fear & 1 = no fear.

WheredoIgonow, Let me tell you what I am afraid of... Nothing. I am at a 1 or 2. I am not afraid for my W to walk out that door right now. She can can go if that is her choice. I am not afraid to die. I don't want to die but I am not afraid. If and when it comes down to it my feeling may change then

LTA = LT recovery

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:45 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.