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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WheredoIgonow,


. I need time to heal. he nods his head.. but he says you'll never be satisfied with me.. and you'll always want more from me.. I'll never meet your expectations...

.. but he feelslike he's giving has much as he can now.

When I disagree, he says well we might as well call it quits then.

This is what I was afraid of with him. He has a tough time sustaining effort.. he's never saved a dime in his life.. He has a hard time finishing projects.. and now he's in the fight for his life - our lives.. and I feel like he's kind of giving up.

IF these patterns have been set for decades, can he really change??

wow, change the he to she and you have my sich.

I do not know how much is giving-up, and how much is over-whelmed. FWW has these new perceptions and tools for trying to manage her emotions and feelings, but they are less than a year old compared to decades of blaming me and others for her unhappiness, perceiving things as either black or white.

She's not happy, I'm not happy, and magical thinking isn't going to get us to where we need to be.

WheredoIgonow, I suspect that like me, you feel that if the roles were reversed and you were the WS you would be moving Heaven and Hell to fill up your BS’s love bank and make things right. It seems like if s/he would just put forth some real effort, show us that we are truly wanted it would all be much better. The thing is, that is us, not the WS we are married to. We didn’t have had A’s when our needs were not being met (you didn’t did you? ).

I think it is very very hard for an old dog to learn new tricks. A lifetime of coping mechanisms that seemed to be working right up to dday are hard to set aside and replace with healthy thinking and perceptions.

As much as it is not what I want, I now belive that D may be the answer to happiness for me, becasue it puts the control and power back into my hands rather than waiting for FWW to change who she is to be who I want.

btw, welcome to LTA

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Updates:

FIL is going to pay FWW's portion of older step-DD's wedding. That works for me, I stay out of the loop. It is going to be a strange wedding with very few people. FWW is out of the planning loop on the wedding, it is just her DD and xH deciding what the wedding will be and telling her what she owes. I am glad not to be a part of this, there is no way it will be a happy occassion. Groom's family will not be there, no aunts, cousins, uncles from either family. It sounds like 2-4 friends of the couple, FWW's xH and his wife, FWW's other DD (maybe) and FWW will be it. There is a chance FWW's BIL may be there, I guess I really do not care much anymore. I will be fishing.

FWW went with me to run errands at lunch. Neither of us is happy. She feels like there has been progress because there has been progress for her internally during the 6-7 months of IC. She understands that I am feeling like the relationship has been static and not OK. She has not really put much thought into divorce, or how long she is willing to be unhappy. I told her my benchmark used to be 2 months in a row of not going well and I felt free to quit, and it is well past 2 months now, about 5. We agree that her loss of job and upcoming wedding is multiplying the stress, but that things were not going well even before her job loss. I want more physical contact and sex, but she does not want to feel the pressure of me trying to initiate, but admits she does not remember or think to initiate very often. She wants to do more dates. I told her I become frustrated when we have a date we have agreed to do, and then she changes her mind at the last minute. This is not uncommon.

Fear, no more. I will be uncomfortable with the impact of finances through D, but anything else, bring it on. As Tryn said, even death. I am not afraid. I do not leave thigs unsaid any more to friends or family. The last few years have burned away the fear and worry.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:57 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The absence of fear is the gift. I feel it. Tryn feels it. Ats feels it. I've seen others on SI post that they feel it as well.

It's as if once you've worked through THIS, it's sort of as if you've worked through EVERYTHING.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been at it now 21 months. So what has your IC accomplished with you both?

I have not been going to IC - only MC. I went to a IC in the beginning once.. and she said she thought I was doing pretty well - but if I thought I needed it.. to come back... I've been thinking lately that maybe I need it.

Our MC has said to my H... if she goes to her IC... she (me) may choose to move on..

I guess that is one thing I"m slightly afraid of.

Do you want your M and why?

Yes. I want my M. Many reasons.

Overall, my H is a nice man - funny - and can be giving... I see him do it to so many others every day... and he's nice to me often... it's the emotional part that is broken.

I think we are good partners and have fun together often.

I think we are good parents together - and that is the best we can give to our 4 children - especially the 2 that are still living with us.

I want us to reap the benefits of our retirement - and no kids in the house - together. Travel together - relax - and have fun together.

The kids are a big factor.. and I don't want to screw them up for the rest of their lives. That's probably my biggest fears of D my H.


Can you list your expectations of him for us? and what is it he is doing or not doing that is the problem?

My expectations of him:

o - show compassion and affection when I'm having a bad day - especially if I'm hurting from the infidelity issues.

o - an occassional I love you when he feels like it.

o - a hug and/or a kiss before we go to sleep and when we wake up.

o - let me know where he's going when he abruptl leaves the house - especially when family or friends are over.

o - when we are out with others - especially my family, he's engaging and present - and not distant and looking at his watch.

o - occassionally let me know verbally that I look pretty and beautiful.

o - says I'm sorry when he says something hurtful to me - and he knows it. Apologize.. apologize.. apologize.. (he rarely does).

o - Give me the benefit of the doubt. Don't jump to negative conclusions.

As his IC told him, view Julie's actions as with "good intentions" (which they always are).

He has this very negative filter when he views me and my actions - and has for a long time. We've talked about it so.. much.. and he's not even close to removing it.

For example, I said, " I really need more from you".. and he immediately got angry, because he heard... you're complaining about me.. I'm never good enough for you.

I told him - I was trying to express what my needs are.. and so you don't have to guess... He says, I shouldn't have to do that... it should be natural...

And then I'm hurting and crying.. and he does nothing... I said, this is when I need you to hold my hand and reassure me that it's going to be okay.

He said I'm not going to do that now - just because you told me to... I said - I was trying to tell you that it would make me feel better.

And he says, I hear that you are "commanding" me or "demanding" me to do that...

Thats what I mean by a negative filter. ANYBODY else... in that situation, he would wrap his arms around them - and say "poor baby".. and be so loving. He would do it to his kids, his family, a good friend... anybody.. But he hesitates with me.

What does forgiveness mean to you and what is it you do to execute forgivness?

Forgiveness means to me... I'm a positive - half full person most of the time. I will almost always forgive - and give someone the benefit of the doubt. If they apologize and are sincerely remorseful, I'm forgiving and can move on. I find the positives in everyone... I have faith in human beings..

What are you afraid of?

I'm not really afraid of much... I'm not afraid as much as I used to be - if he did walk out. I know it would be hard on everyone... but I would deal with it.

I'm not really afraid of him cheating on me again... I know it would be over if he did.. and he knows it too.

I guess I'm more afraid that he will never look at me "positively" and "loving" again - until maybe when I'm gone.

He now expects our relationship to be more like his fantasy relationship.

He always uses the term.... I just want us to get along, smile, and have fun... then I would be happy.

Also, as I mentioned earlier.. probably the fears I still have - though even these are changing daily...

1. Our kid's well being and future relationships.

2. I finally can't take it anymore, I ask him to leave.. and THEN he finally gets it... and wants back..

And I'm afraid, I'll be gone by then... emotionally...


On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst fear & 1 = no fear.

None of these fears are even close to a 10 anymore.. because I'm stronger and believe I could handle anything.

So, none of these fears are probably past a 3... my kids well being are probably my highest.. but that would still be the same .. with our without my H.

Thank you all for helping me out.

My husband is tired of listening to me.. and he says I focus on it too much. I say, I just want to heal... and I realize that is going to take time...

Thank you all so, so much...


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WheredoIgonow.. Ok this is what you get when you come over to the LTA board... I can affirm your feelings are as mine was.

I think you have some attributes that are very positive toward R. You seemed a bit low when you came over here to the LTA to post, frustrated, and down. I'm glad you made that followup post.

We have been discussing Love lately. What it means. For me, I say love is always a choice, always a decision because it is actions. Feelings come and go. One day, you might get angry at your H or he may get angry at you. One day you may want to rip is cloths off and rock his world and he may want the same from you. But Love is always a choice. Have you and your H read The Five Languages Of Love? A must read.

You cannot change your H, he must want to change himself. You can learn better relationship techniques and so can your H. It sounds like some changes are needed. You both need to commit to do nothing but be desirable. It's not so easy to be desiralbe.

Maybe you should stop seeing the MC and try something new? I would not force your H to go anymore. It is up to him to want to go and he sounds stuck. Your H sounds like he still wants the M. Have you heard about Retrouvaille? The program can teach you how to communicate to each other in a very good way.

Let me share with you HOW to forgive. If you can, I think you can help your H and you in a big way. But maybe you are not ready to forgive? But this is what I did.

The hardest part about R is making that decision to forgive… and allowing life to go on in peace… I didn’t know really what forgiveness was until I read a couple books about it… See, forgiveness is a process and it takes as long as you need to take.. I have no deadlines. Let me go over each one…

Make the choice to forgive – This is a matter of telling yourself. I will forgive my spouse. It is a choice to say this to yourself and be positive. If you get negative, then say it again, I am making the choice to forgive. If you are not going to start by making this choice, then DON”T R… I say go file for D and put yourself out of misery.

Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did – This is a choice I make today. This takes some real brain and mind strength. It also takes some time as I slipped occasionally. It also goes against what so many others want you to do and say. Today, I do not need to tell anyone that does not already know. SI is the only place I go to discuss my W’s A. One day, I will leave SI and this part of my forgiveness will be completed. I have decided that I may say something to others but only if it will somehow give them confidence when in my same situation.

Be pleasant to them should you be around them – This is those desirables I speak about. As time goes on, you get real good at letting the small stuff roll out of you mind. You just have to want to do it. In a true R, our spouses have made the choice to now be a good person. They will say things like, “Tiger Woods is scum”. I can think or say, Yes, you hippocrate… but, we may think negatively, but we “act” positively. Truth is like I say… they are trying to be good people pointing out right and wrong. We stick to the desirables. We cannot always control what pops in our minds, but we can control what we say or do. By doing this, it gives our spouse confidence we have forgiven. If we don’t forgive, why in the world would anyone want to be around someone that has not forgiven? If you cannot forgive, you are not going to do the desirables I speak about all the time.

If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt – This might be a where your spouse starts to say things like… “You will never forgive me”… your response should always be, “I have made the choice to forgive you. I cannot always control my feelings, but it will be alright. We all make mistakes in life.” Or “That was yesterday”… or “I am satisfied you are a good spouse today?” say things like that to make sure they know no need to feel guilt. I would imagine adultery guilt could be very hard to overcome.

Let them feel good about themselves – I think this can be achieved through Affirmation. I’ve told my wife I forgive her many times. I have told her I am glad we stayed together… I have told her I like who she is… many compliments.

Protect them from their greatest fears – I think this is commitment. They must feel we are NOT going to get revenge or we are going to leave. We must tell them often that we are committed to the marriage. We must communicate!! Communicate!! In our misery stage of our marriages, we clam up, we walk away in silence, the unknown is so scary. We do things that show them the future is living on… We close the separate checking account we once opened at dday… try and be romantic, do the desirables that eliminate fear.

Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year and next – This is hard. Back in February this year was when I made it 3 weeks without saying anything about the A. Then I went a month… then I went 2 months… It has since May or so since we last discussed anything about her A… I have had to leave the room because my feelings and emotions almost broke doing things we do as part of forgiving.

Pray for them – Yes.. I do it. It’s simple… God give me strength today to overcome my trauma. Give me strength to be a good man, nothing but love. Give me strength to forgive and fear no future…

It is hard to forgive someone for adultery. It takes time and steps. Your mind has change permanently and you have this protective memory burned into a part of it… nature is trying to protect you from further harm and you must see good things, day in and day out, for the part to be placed in a peaceful mode.

Oh well… off to work on doing something desirable for my W today…

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:44 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WheredoIgonow

Welcome.

We all here at LTA can relate so much to all you say. We have all felt at one time or another exactly what you are feeling.

Me, I'm in a fairly good place at present but in spite of my optimism I still have really bad days.

Yesterday ended up being SO bad. I don't know why. I guess I just started to think too much. Have to cultivate a process for not allowing my negative thoughts to spiral out of control. FWH was at work and I ended up a sobbing mess on the sofa. And I can't even tell you exactly why. A combination of lots of little triggers I think.

I read your list of what you want from your H. My H gets 7.5 out of 8 for your list. So why am I still having these days? I don't know.

As for his behaviour. I would try spending some time - lots of time - writing a list of what you want from him. I would take time to prioritise or categorise the items in this list.

Category 1 could be the deal breakers: These are the things which are crucial for you. You cannot stay with him unless he meets these needs now. Category 2 could be needs which are not dealbreakers in themselves but which are important enough that over time they will erode your relationship to the point where you will feel you cannot stay. Category three things you would really like him to do for you but you can probably live without. Category four things which you believe will really help you to come to love him again and forgive him.

Tryn has a great list and I'm sure he will share it with you.

Something like this. Maybe this list will just be for you to start with. I would reflect on it, draft and re draft, consider the wording carefully etc etc. You may eventually decide to give him the list. I think the wording is crucial as he seems to find your "requests" for help sound like demands to him.

Working on this list may then help you to clarify in your own mind what you need.

For me I find I notice far too much the negatives and have to make a really conscious effort to see the positives. eg TMI Warning. MANY years ago I was feeling particularly "unloved" by my H. (I had no idea he was screwing around then). Quite often during the evening we'd have arguments about silly things which often blew out of proportion, he'd be quite cranky and then when we went to bed he'd want sex. One night I told him that when we had sex I didn't feel like he was making love to me - just screwing me. He said something like "Don't be silly. It's just sex". Last night we had sex. Mechanically it was an 8, emotionally for me a 1 or 2. My FWH seems to think that if we have sex we are "making love" - in spite of what he said yrs ago. I reminded him of this conversation some months ago and told him that I still felt this way now - especially since I found out about his LTAs (TRYN SHUT YOUR EARS!!). For me having sex isn't making love. The physical pleasure I could get with anyone - or alone , hell he got it with lots of OWS. The one thing that makes a difference to me is if in the lead up he is affectionate and if he tells me he loves me before, during and or after (and I sense/feel he means it..) Last night not at all. So emotionally 1/10!!!!!

I will not share this with him as then (as your h suggests) it would not be natural. So I sort of understand what he means BUT I am not yet at the point where I can say ILY first. Maybe that's what I need to do. I also need to focus on the ILYs and affection I get at other times - and I do get them lots eg when he leaves for work.

I think also that what we are afraid of is that our FWS's actions are not authentic. For many of us knowing they told APs they loved them (which most claim now were not true statements) means that we are constantly looking for the validation or proof of the authenticity of the love they say they have for us now. For you it is the things in your list - for me it is the linking of ILY with sex.

Perhaps that's when true R can really begin. When we feel that they are totally authentic. So we look at their words and actions at present as reflections of this authenticity. We measure them against our own personal authenticity meter and make a judgment.

Lot of rambling here but I hope something in what I have said speaks to you.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura28.. We cross posted. I had many bad days at your point in R. It seems it just takes time in you head to go over and over and over... You then just.. Accept. Oh heck Laura, just think how you affirmed the heck out of him last night.

WheredoIgonow.. Laura is doing something special for us.. If you had a chance to do anything you wanted in the future, go anywhere, do be anything, what would your dream of the future be?

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:59 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 or 4 out of the 8 on Julie's list.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

We cross posted. Could you repeat your list for Where please?

You know sometimes you are a real nag. You say a lot of things repeatedly. But you know what? I think it works. I think your nagging is finally starting to get through to me. Your forgiveness message is finally starting to penetrate my dull brain. I have been trying to move forward with my EMDR etc but maybe I'm frozen because I need to take this next step.

My "fear" meter is perhaps now finally at a safe place. Like you I know that if my FWS cheats again I am done. Gone with no regrets, so I have nothing to lose by starting on the forgiveness trail.

Thank you for nagging!!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

more cross posting

Oh heck Laura, just think how you affirmed the heck out of him last night.

I SURE DID

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know sometimes you are a real nag. You say a lot of things repeatedly. But you know what? I think it works

No Tribe poll required - its offical - Tryin you are a nag & from me I'm glad you are. Like Laura I need to see it over & over again before I take it all in & appreciate it.

Tryin - Thanks for valued input, your clarity & vision.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DP

Hope you have a great day at work today.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Laura.
I'm smiling - I'm going to have a good day & I know Friday week will go well too.

Take care & enjoy yr day

Deep


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33

It's as if once you've worked through THIS, it's sort of as if you've worked through EVERYTHING.

You are so right honey. None of the crises in my life has come anywhere near this.

We ARE a brave lot. We have been courageous in staying and fighting for our Ms. I think this is why we are now becoming fearless. We have realised we CAN survive anything. We have realised we can FACE anything even a future without a partner.

The reality is that no matter what happens to us in future we know we can survive it.

This is why I KEEP NAGGING about our dreams. I really think for some of us the hammer will fall and it is hanging over others. It has already fallen for Allgood and look how great she is doing.

But we MUST have our dreams. Our plans for the future with or without our WSs mean that if the hammer does fall we have something to look forward to and I think this also helps to reduce the fear factor.

I am ready to publish the project but am so disappointed some of our friends have not given me their dreams. I am creating a huge dream incorporating everyone and feel sad some will not be included.

It is not really that exciting but something I feel we can all share. It can contribute to the bond which I know we all have now.

I also plan to go back to the collage and do a little tidying. If anyone has any suggestions let me know. You can see it again at

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408155&AP=161

Hugs to all


Laura



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say love is always a choice

Tryin - What are your thoughts on hapiness.
Today I choose to be Happy - no matter how crappy the day is - today I choose to be HAPPY.

Thinkin I should make this my new life creed - I WILL BE HAPPY!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP.. A nagging! OK you are getting a chart!

I like to refer to my repeating myself as Rehearsal Chunking

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:59 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted in awhile but have been keeping up. Today is the 4 year antiversary of me finding a half naked pic of mow on wh's cell phone and being told I was crazy, his friend took it and nothing was going on. At the time we were only married 28 days.

I triggered a bit today and checked phone records. He stated he went nc formally on June 2, 2011. There were 2 4 minute phone calls to her office today. I know they could be work related as he is a contractor and has several active jobs through her company. He had told me that he set a boundary with her that the other assistant would handle all of his calls and he would not accept any emails or calls.

We are currently living separately in different countries. His intention is to move here...finally finished the paperwork but I cannot bring myself to submit it. He has appeared remorseful but he has done so in the past with multiple ddays. Part of me is going a bit numb again, I am going home for a visit in a week. I think I will VAR again.

Thanks for listening and Laura I hope your collage works beautifully!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe

I can't wait to share. So here is Draft 1.

It literally takes 2 minutes to add a word or 50 so if you would like additions please let me know.

I can also add new dreams or change colours any time.

The format will change slightly each time but hey dreams do change don't they?

Me, I'm going to get the final one printed on the front of a tee shirt. Keeping you all close to my heart

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:46 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura
WOW truely AWESOME.

I love the tshirt idea. I also think a poster - stick on the wall at work or home to reinforce those dreams so hopefully some are realised.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is awesome Laura!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
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