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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum, you are not the only one.

I may be one of the few men on the planet who never wanted to just "have sex" with a woman but to be connected emotionally and sex be a part of that.....

Maybe when I was much younger, and before becoming engaged and married. Unfortunately, the little I engage in now is just sex.

Laura, as to my dreams, I am living most of them. A boat for diving and fishing, sons who I can be proud of (or will be once they grow up lol), access to great water for recreation, the job I have envisioned for 20+ years. When the responsibilities for mortgage and others are fully removed, I will happily spend my time exploring that which catches my attention, a dilettante of life. I am the captain of my life and the master of my soul. It remains to see if I keep the same crew, sign on a new crew, or make this a solo voyage. Each as its advantages.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

You seem to be suffering with doubledream-nag-postitis-syndrome.

The art work is very nice. Good job.

I am much like ats concerning my dreams. I have a nice lake house and get to enjoy and photo much wild life. Mother nature can be pretty cool. My main dream is to someday be able to travel more. All around the USA. The mountains east and west, Yellowstone are at the top of my list.

I have two fawns in my yard. They have been there for several hours. They have been sleeping on and off. What are their dreams? I would guess that they are dreaming about their mother. When she gets back they get to have a big helping of mothers milk. I hope I am able to watch them get fed as it is quite a sight. damn I am easily entertained

jollum.

Two meat grilling sessions while drinking a few beers should get you that mancard back. It would probably help if you follow Nell's suggestions.

Nell.

Not only did your kids hit the mommy jack pot, you need to remember that you are also smokin hot!

Allgood.

Your kids are going to be o.k. They hit the mommy jackpot too!

tryn.

You seem to have some extra time lately. Did you hit the casino jackpot?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheredoIgonext --

your list: your husband leaving and not telling you where he's going or where he is? Are you "allowed" to do this too?

This one jumped out at me for two reasons: (1) my first thought was "why would anyone put up with that crap?" and my second thought was (2) WH used to do this all the time

I would never put up with that again. Nope.

I will share my list with you. I made it maybe before I confronted (?)

Break off relationship 100%Be certain it will never happen again
Be sure itís me you want and not the house, kids, boat, extra income, etc
Be sure you can still respect me for staying


Go to rehab
Go to therapy
Go to church
Get rid of separate bank accounts
Help with bill paying/finances
Date me
Pay off most debts before buying another boat
Let me know where you are/where youíre goingHelp more with kids (baths, getting them to bed, soccer practices, etc.)

He's done the three I highlighted. The last one: he hasn't done any of those examples and I don't think he does enough childcare, but he does more than he used to.

I don't know -- maybe that doesn't help you at all.

Laura, that is lovely!
http://www.cafepress.com/
I think we can make whatever we want at cafepress.

Miracle --

Perhaps I should say I am afraid of nothing AND I am afraid of EVERYTHING.

Hey Nell! You rock!

Allgood -- how are you holding up?

Honest -- where are you?

Dip: I'm so JEALOUS!!! I would love to see the fawns.

ATS -- was thinking of you this morning while reading Chodron. You'll get this: she's writing about Prajna and says something along the lines of not being frustrated when things interfere with what you're trying to accomplish and not even a second later WH brings Sunshine to me and Sunshine starts flipping the "pages" on my iPad so it becomes litterally IMPOSSIBLE for me to read the next sentence!!! So, that's my funny thing of the day. Once I explained it to WH he (1) did not get it and (2) thinks it's weird I'm reading a book written by a buddhist nun. Ah well, he's not me.

Dad called to yell at me about WH again today. Actually, he emphasized over and over he was NOT yelling and it's true his voice was not raised, but I pointed out that getting on my case about someone else's behavior makes no sense! I can't change him! Poor Dad, he's so frustrated. I told him me too, but either talk to WH instead of me or let it go. He's going to do what he's going to do. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. If they can't meet, so be it.

ETA -- so funny; my iPad started playing "Cowboy Cassanova" right after I wrote this!

[This message edited by m334455 at 1:45 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip, I'll be busy the rest of this week and next week. Sometime, I just feel like posting and living my own schedule. Heck, most of my post are cut and paste anyway. You need a chart? I saw a fawn on Sunday around my house. The dog started chasing it and it high tailed it outta there.

Nell, You have the greatest sense of humor in your writings. What the heck happen at the drunk bikini party last weekend? Any drama?

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:07 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Right back atcha.

tryn,
Well... let's see... most of the guests were in the mid- to late-20s, single, childless. The good ol' drunken college days still occuring with some regularity. There were a few older guests, and I spoke a lot with them. I did, in fact, get in the hot tub with the young chickies and dudes and then watched them all pair off with whomever was most convenient (except one guy, who was the odd man out, quite literally... not enough chickies to go around). They were mostly friends of the younger GF. I made asinine small talk most of the night, then (stupidly) accepted a drink that BFF made. No idea what was in that drink, but damn... I can hold my liquor but that was just insanity in a cup. In other words, the college party really was a college rerun for me... get drunk with a bunch of alcohol-addled nobodies whose hormones are masquerading as brain cells, then barf, then go to bed still wearing my make-up. WH calls this "having fun." I call it "ruining a perfectly good Sunday by acting like an idiot in the company of people I don't know and don't particularly care to know on Saturday night."

Meanwhile. I have been reading a book about attracting birds to your yard. It's quite good. Much more my speed.

P.S. Those 20-somethings have got NOTHING on me.

ats and jollum,
I call it "porn star sex." Sex without feelings. Sex for the sake of sex. Hate it.

ats, you sound better. I'm glad.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

Darn, I was thinking you had hit the big numbers or something. If you are going to be busy who will nag at everyone? I have a few ideas.
I don't have a dog so the deer like to hang out with me.

Nell.

I must be getting old. I forgot about the drunk bikini party! What happened? Remember, a picture is worth a thousand words.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

they hit the mommy jackpot

They sure did!!! All the SI kids hit the jackpot with their SI moms and dads.

WH calls this "having fun." I call it "ruining a perfectly good Sunday by acting like an idiot in the company of people I don't know and don't particularly care to know on Saturday night."

I call this being a grown-up and knowing what is important in life!!!

M33

Laura, that is lovely!
http://www.cafepress.com/
I think we can make whatever we want at cafepress.

Great link honey. You yanks could use it but I'll have to find a similar one here. (otherwise postage will kill me. I had to get NJF from the US and the postage was much more than the cost of the book!!)

I would never put up with that again. Nope.

Me neither. FWH was being a bit of a FT last night (nothing major just irritating) and several times I thought "Hey I don't need to put up with this. Maybe I WILL go". It's a very freeing thought.

Dip

You seem to be suffering with doubledream-nag-postitis-syndrome.

I guess that's my Karma for calling Tryn a nag!!!! But it WAS said in the nicest possible way!

I have two fawns in my yard.

Your words evoke such a pretty peaceful image. We often have kangaroos in our yard or paddock behind the house. I love watching them too esp the joeys in their mother's pouches. They often sit snuggled in there are eat grass. So cute.

Two meat grilling sessions while drinking a few beers should get you that mancard back.

I love the way you boys think. You really are so sweet.I guess it's a bit like us girls. We put on our high heels and sashay down the street but underneath all we want is a man who truly loves us. The heels for the girls and the grilling for the boys tell the world we are strong while beneath the surface we all have these yearnings for a true life partner.

For me you men epitomise the real man. The musclebound, beer swilling, hunk might be fun to look at but yobos (aussie slang for dickheads) like that are only given a passing thought by real women.
So for me and I know for all us LTA ladies you men have earnt and will never lose your mancards.

Ats

I CAN"T BELIEVE that I missed you on the dream nag list. What WAS I thinking!!

Miracle

of course pfm also "raped" me one nite

BTET (been there experienced that) but on the upside maybe I've coined a new abbreviation

Mine happened 25 yrs ago. Interesting how I can remember that so clearly but so many other things from then are a blur. Hmm don't think I should go there but I CAN relate.

Jollum

It has changed my perspective what sex is. It used to be a time (I thought) of "making love" and strengthening that special bond I thought we had. Now it seems like it was never any more than just sex and it really doesn't have the meaning to me that it did.

I rarely felt that it was strengthening that special bond I thought we had. I sincerely hope that I do feel it one day and that all of us here on SI do. So hard though after LTAs

DP

Tryin - I believe that I practice most of what you say about forgiveness.

Honey you can't. You can't forgive without her remorse. It's been too long. You have to move heaven and earth to bring this awful sich into the light of day. I know you are making big steps towards it but I also hope you have planned carefully for what you will say, do, demand when the shit hits the fan. I truly believe that when it does you have to bring out the cave man in yourself and make some serious demands. Put your foot down. BIG HUGS.

I'm pleased you all like the artwork. Have added recent contributions and will bring out draft 2 soon.

Well I guess I am about done. I really need to get on with so many chores before I go back to work next week.

Take care all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Draft 2

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:58 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

Thank you!!!
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Draft 3

I think I like this better

NB This is quite small jpeg. Will make sure final copy is larger for better printing - don't want to stuff up pages.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:56 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

I wanted to share something with you.....I've been having an awful day. Today was my last day at my volunteer "job" due to restarting full-time work on Monday; heard from my oldest that he will be deploying most likely in the next 2-6 weeks; birthday dinner with my mom who is trying to reach out to me but I just can't feel close to her; just feeling teary in general...and I saw the collage draft #3 and I thought, "Now there are some people that think I'm okay just the way I am. I don't have to prove to the Tribe that I'm perfect, that I have a plan or the answers or even a semi-plan, that it's okay to cry....and so I am. Thank you, thank you. I really needed to feel the support tonight.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well dip...i too am gettin old cause i too forgot about nells drunken college party..

well nell, i guess it was one of those cases of if you can't beat them join them...i hope you dont have to do that anymore....

one thing for sure, since d-day i will never ever do anything i dont want to do for him or his....nope, never again...and that i decided that nite before i even knew all of it, what am i sayin.... i still dont know all of it...

well pfm finally talked to me....i am pretty sure its because he read up on si....the only thing he added...was that he went through my stuff because he is jealous and worried about me...he went on a few times about being worried about me...i gotta say..i dont think he is worried about me for safety, i think he is worried about me being with another man period...why he has to go through my shopping bags to see what i buy...not to sure, but probably to see what i am buying for other men to look at me in..


i just let him speak, he finished and then i walked away without a word...it doesnt pay...i have wasted way more then enough energy on him...need to step up my 180....


laura....i love them all...and i am sorry to hear that you can relate on the other level....that sucks...

love the kangaroo...


(((allgood))) good luck with mr stupid and the kids....


m3...oh hon....i wish i could wrap you up in my arms and rock you for a bit....let your mind set still for just a while...i read what you tell everyone else to do on the go get im....or get out kind of messages....and im thinkin that you are actually being somewhat reflective and trying to talk yourself into what you are tellin others....

of course i could be off base...and if i am i apologize....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Strong

Of course we love you silly.

You are SOOOOO loveable.

No matter what happens hold onto your dream sweetie and think of all of us and our dreams.

We WILL be happy.

Just reading you talking about your volunteer job, your DS and your mum you are a REAL person to us.

Yes you may cry for a little while.I always feel worn out after a good cry but then I feel better. I still have some BIG down moments. All of us do. Even Tryn and NJgal.

Have your sad time and then try to focus on the good things - your kids who love you and your great new job.

And go back and read some of Dip's funny posts. And Nell's. They always make me smile.

BIG HUGS honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((strong)))

we cross posted....just wanted to send you some hugs and some lovin...

of course you are fine just the way you are....we do love you, and we do support you...its ok to let it out, just dont get lost in it, kkk


and no one gets us better then us....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: I absolutely love your artwork. I've been lurking and reading and actually couldn't figure out what my dream was but I think this is it:

-finish masters
-financially independent
-very small boat to go around the bay in
-my kids to grow up ok
-own my own small house

Laura, God bless you. You have come such a long way since you first came and are helping all of us so much. I pray that you are feeling better yourself and wish you the best. You deserve it.

I've been reading and have to catch up to post. I love you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe.
I know I haven't been posting as much as usual, just going through some crap here.

I've been reading, and trying to keep up.

But, honest to God, I would be driving or whatever, and I'd think of something someone posted and I say a prayer for you.

Nell, you really really should think of writing! You really have a way with words!!

Laura, thank you for all the wonderful creative things you have done for us. I would really love to make your latest project into a poster or a t shirt.

Ats: I was thinking, I was surprised that your DS's weren't invited to this wedding. For god's sake, they are the step dd's brothers!

We are always saying that LTA = Long term recovery. I just realized that it took me almost 4 years + to recover from xWH's A and it was only a few months when I found out. This is also when I was dating current WH!

LTA's are hard to overcome. Just the definition of a LTA, means that you were married for a long time. It's hard to reconcile all the new info with your memories.

I've been riding the roller coaster again when I thought all my tickets were used, but I guess I got an all day pass that seems to go on forever.

Laura, once again, I want to say thank you. Your idea of dreams has really helped me more than you would ever know. It has given me a new focus. Dreams are something that WH cannot take away from me.

I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars!!!!

I have a right to be here.

I love you all!!

{{{{{tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Honest

You're in!!!!

Hey Honest

One day WHEN we all meet up we will all wear our Tshirts so we can find each other

I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars!!!!

I have a right to be here.

You sure ARE and yes you DO!

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 11:45 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I envy you creative efforts. My reality is that I am drinking again. I cannot sleep the last few nights. I thought it was the caffeine from the diet Coke and rum, but tonight was rum and grapefruit juice and still awake.

Maybe the problem has been me all along.

On the positive side I won $100 in lottery tonight. I gave it to her towards ticket to visit her Father while she has time off being unemployed.

I accept that my needs are unrealistic, unreasonable. So do I settle or take action to find what I want? Since dday I now see the offers, they are becoming attractive and I fantasize about being with someone who wants me, even superficially.

I feel so fulfilled in my life except my M. I am tired of waiting. She talks if mire IC to sort out more stuff, but then I wait. I can 180 or I can be codeoendant, no middle ground it seems. When I 180 I drift away. If I am not careful, a backscratch or sex and I feel like all is OK.

I gave her contacts and asked her to set up meetings fir us to meet some collaborative D attorneys. I would like to use the firm I met with a couple weeks ago and soon after dday.

I want to change my score. I am afraid if D. I am sure I can survive it, but I do not want to do it.

If what you all and others post on SI is even half true, I deserve more. So does FWW.

Is it her mis-perceptions, our long and dysfunctional history, or am I really such an ass?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that in multiple interactions of the design, I am close to Dip. I feel that he and I share a special bond through our Ws.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ats

I'm so sorry you are having a bad night.

Someone actually told me once that too much alcohol makes it hard to sleep. I find I can't sleep unless I have some. Trouble is once I start I find it hard to stop!

Yes honey you do deserve better. We all do. I think so often of you and DP and the others on here whose Ss are not stepping up. My heart breaks for you all.

The fact is that even though mine is stepping up (for the most part) I still find this so hard. I almost feel I am being "precious" knowing how hard you all have it when my FWH is actually doing very well.

Sometimes I really do start to think that no matter what he does I wont' be able to "get over it".

I really don't know how you all do it. I just want you all to be happy and if that means S/D then so be it.

We all have the right to be happy. We just don't know how to do that at the moment.


Oh well. Here am I whining when I should be cheering you up.

Look forward to better days honey. I know they WILL come for us all

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 12:51 AM, July 14th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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