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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
IMHO you need to find a new IC. Someone with a new perspective.
You and your wife cannot share the same IC and also go to that IC for MC.
You need an IC that is there for you and you alone.
I think it would also be very useful for you to sit down with a new counselor and tell him/her your whole story...from the beginning... it may take a few sessions to get it all out but I think it may help you to get some clarity as to where you are, what is going on now, and where you should go next.

In my case my husband went to an IC for over 1 and 1/2 yrs-at first 2x per week and then later 1x per week.
I've had my own IC since d-day.
And then we did go to a MC together for 6 months. (Two different MCs because one was totally incompetent!).

I think IC is crucial. And it has to be someone that sees you exclusively-not someone that has divided loyalties.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooo, he's back tonight for a few days. Had NC while he was gone. I recognized that occasionally I would wonder if he were a.hooking up with OW b.hooking up with strangers or c.miserable and lonely....then I would tell myself that it's none of my business. He has shown me this last year that he is not interested in the true R process so from here I NEED to shift my thinking to how I feel now that he's gone instead of wondering how he feels and adjusting my feelings to his. URGH. Codependent. At least recognition is a good thing?

My dreams are filled with my fears and sleep is horrible. The OW is in them or WH is whoring around with the other newly single dads in the neighborhood. In my awake time, I can process and know that this is for the best. Maybe my dreams are just validating it.

The irony of this situation is almost too much to handle though.....last year - same week WH had gone to meet OW, and came back asking to R. Now, here we are, who know's if he's with her again, coming back after a week of NC. I cringe at the possible bombs to be dropped. Then we have to put a smile on our face to our kids for the next 3 weeks. Deep breath, one day at a time.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal - thank you for your validation. I have absolutely no faith that this is getting turned around EVER. And, should it ever come, I have a feeling that it will be too late for me to care. I can't even adequately imagine what he could possibly do that would make me the slightest bit interested in raising my kids' hopes that we are all going to be living happily ever after. Once they've adjusted to us being apart, that's it. It's too risky to their best interests & mine to let him back into the M.

Awakened: You are absolutely right. You have to change your thinking and I'm glad to see that you have been somewhat successful in doing so. It will become easier with time.
My stbx went out Wed night. Didn't tell me where/with whom he was going. I decided right then & there that I'm not asking where he's going or asking anything in general if I can't handle the answer. While it did cross my mind that he could be with OW or out flirting with someone new, etc., they were just fleeting thoughts. The bottom line is I don't want him anymore. The only thing that got me going even a bit was when he failed to come home & failed to let me know he wasn't coming home. And, at this point I was damn sure he was with people from work (OW was a coworker) because its when he's with them that he doesn't come home. I was calm tho and was able to sit back and recognize that the irritation I was feeling had more to do with the disrespect in not calling, not anything more than that.

Idiots.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 10:24 AM, July 15th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg 2 back to back clients with infidelity issues.

O how I do love talking about this all day long & then telling people how it basically makes no difference if her spouse cheats or not.

(Sigh)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gots zero time...a little birdie in f&g has stated that today is ukgirls birthday...

so without further ado..

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday dear ukgirl
happy brithday to you....

i hope your day is filled with joy and happy


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UKgirl.

m3.

Three sets of twin fawns today. They were well behaved. No fawn fights.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UKgirl....wherever you are!!

There's no way of knowing in advance but IMHO you have to risk losing your marriage to save it!
I would have to agree with this 100%. And even then the M may not be salvageable.

LTA=long tern recovery.
The WS has to remember that. We-the BS cannot rush it. We have no control over it.
I have found this to be true as well. Initially I craved touch/affection and even sex with my FWH but as the weeks and months went on and he continued to blame-shift and act defensive, those feelings diminished to the point where now I prefer that he keep his distance - physically and emotionally. We had a long talk this morning. FWH came by to drive the younger two to the airport and borrowed DD's car as his doesn't have enough seats. When he returned to swap out cars again I had just finished my run and was outside watering the plants. (As if anything is going to survive the 107 temps!) We ended up rehashing the same stuff over and over again. It's as if in 1 year we still can't reconcile his perspective of what happened and his motivation with my perspective of what happened and his motivation. I've been pretty angry at him this week. It's been pretty emotional for me (leaving my current job, leaving my volunteer work, DD's emotions, DS learning he will be deployed soon) and while I know in my head that I have responsibility for the decisions that I have made to return to work full-time, etc., I know that I wouldn't even have contemplated it if I wasn't worried about having to support myself. Can I do it? Yes, of course. Do I want do? Hell, no. So, he says how he misses me and when I asked him why he said it's because he aways thought that we had each other's back....no matter what that we were there for each other. I probably shouldn't have said it but I said that I know that I have always had his back, but clearly he didn't have mine. And then we were off on the same old stuff.....it's disappointing to see that despite all the IC/MC and Onsite we don't appear to have resolved much. FWH is remorseful but he thinks that the S is "toxic" to our R. He may be right. All I know is that I can no longer pretend or force myself to feel close to him. I just don't feel it and nothing either of us says is changing that feeling so far. The IC tells me that it's early in the S and that I'm still trying to find some emotional stability. Unfortunately starting a new job next week won't allow for less anxiety in my day to day life!

ats - It's good to hear from you. Glad to hear that you have an appt. with your IC/MC but I'm with njgal that you need to start seeing someone just for you. It's time. {{{ats}}}

Allgood and m3 - Seriously?? Seriously?? How stupid are these guys? Clearly, they are very stupid and I agree that at least they are making your decision easier and easier.

Milkshake, Awakened, 0115 and any other newbies that I've missed.....keep posting and don't worry about keeping up with what's been written. If you blink two more pages will have been written!

Hugs!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UKgirl! I hope you are doing ok.

Strongish: This WHOLE thing is hard. Trying to R, S/D, the whole damn thing. You are doing wonderfully. You have made a decision and are sticking to it. I know how hard it it. Keep posting here, and know that the TRIBE HAS YOUR BACK!!!

M3: It is very sad, but you are absolutely right, no one will 'rescue' us. We are on our own.

Everyone was talking about the fear, I guess emotionally and physically I have little or no fear of being alone, but from a financial standpoint, I am terrified, so that's a 9.

I really have been on my alone for a very, very long time, almost all my adult life. I thought and believed I wasn't, but that wasn't true.

WH is coming Thursday. I'm trying not to get myself in a tizzy. I really want to just leave him alone and stay away as much as possible. God give me strength.

On the brighter side, I took DS 12 out on a fishing boat for 3 hours around the bay. We each caught 5 Fluke, but too small to keep. First time for both of us to go saltwater fishing. The weather was perfect. There were families on the boat, and I started triggering, but tried to rememeber what IC told me about staying in the moment and enjoying it.

Laura is right about making others happy will make you happy, but not if it's in a codependent way, which I know I'm suffering from. There must be a balance.

There were 2 men who were fishing alone and they struck up a conversation with each other. They were both enjoying the day and laughing and joking and talking with DS 12 and me. They were a good example to me of how to enjoy the moment and the day. Who knows what kind of problems they have, eveyone has them, but we do need to enjoy the moment.

Love to the tribe


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - As it gets closer to when Mr. Dishonest is coming home you may start to get more anxious. Know that we are all here for you and will have your back. You can vent/cry/bitch all you want to us if it helps even one tiny bit. You have so much on your shoulders but despite your misgivings I see that you are incredibly strong. You CAN stand up to him and up for yourself. You deserve so much better.

{{{Honest}}}


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

where: ok..so maybe we could make one up for him...like...

social attention deficit..otherwise known as s.a.d.


I'm re-energized in my R... and own healing.

most important to put your own healing before your 'r'.....you cannot 'r' without it, and if it turns out to be false 'r', you will have already learned how to begin this process alone...and like m3 reminded us....ultimately we are alone...

si is a wonderful resource...but even this resource cannot be the beall...although at times it certainly has felt that way....but to truly heal oneself you must go within.....because only you can come up with your answers for what you need, you desire and even your dreams...whilst we can help we cannot do the work for you.....and your ws, is disfunctional making him totally unable to do it for you...the best one can hope in all cases is that the ws plays a very important role in your healing with constant affirmation, validation, confirmation, patience, love, unending understanding and genuine remorse....not to mention complete honesty with all things relevant or even irrelevant.....


m3:

It's hopeless. IC/pdoc says I've done all I can do, just let go. So I am. I've learned more by being detached and nonreactive. It at least lets me observe what I'm really dealing with

and in letting go...what does that look like for you...and can you live like that with a so-called partner.....


0115:

Miracle. You have incredible memory

i have the worst memory...my kids are constantly on me about it too...i remember lots of things but i also forget lots of things...like names...i suck a moose egg, what people wear...i suck a moose egg...my memory seems to have gotten more and more selective with both age and this rollercoaster i boarded 2 and a half years ago...

but thanks anyway....to keep up when i post i open 2 windows and keep going back and forth...sometimes it backfires and i lose it, more often though when my pc behaves it works...


.

I know I will forgive, not sure how (I'm reading you a lot tryn) and I WILL heal. Not sure where we will end up yet.

you are still a newbie hon....have patience with yourself most of all....the amount of information that we have to process with a lta to say is overwhelming would be an understatement....it took me about a year and half to just not feel so overwhelmed with it all, and still i have my days where i still cannot believe it all.....when someone dubbed this journey a rollercoaster they hit the nail on the head....we have more ups and downs then all the amusement parks put together,...and we can seemingly have them all in one day at times....

it is what it is, and it will become what we make it....


as for the dreams...of course you have dreams...everyone should have dream irregardless of age, marital status, children, home, etc....we never stop dreaming or reaching for goals and we never stop learning....not til the day we die....its what life is all about...learning and striving for what we believe in or working towards a dream...and when one dream is fulfilled we move on to the next..


allgood:

.

I texted him/called him only 3x from 4am-7am

Detaching is going very well

these 2 thoughts/actions do not seem to go together....

and of course he is still doing stupid well....seems to many of them do stupid well....and i still dont get it, dont think i ever will...

ats: i am with njgal also...time to get a new ic...and you should have your own totally unrelated to your mc...what may be good for you may not be whats good for the marriage....and yet if you dont heal that is also not good for the marriage...

get a new ic....


laura: whilst i agree to some level about making others happy...i think somewhere along the way you need to carve out "me" time and do what feeds your soul...and if that is making another happy so be it...but i still think we all need some selfish time that would not even seem like selfish time....

eg...time spent on computer, at si, or fb or even just playing some games...working out...running...power walking...cooking...gardening.....

i think you get the drift....those are the activites that fill the soul in other ways....that bringing joy to another cannot possibly do....its a different kind of fulfillment


0115....1999 was a bad year for me too...methinks if i ever see anything to do with that year i might be using it as a weapon....


hey milkshake...good to hear from ya...and def dont bother trying to keep up...you really would have to come here quite regularly to do that...and we tend to get very chatty and then of course we have our subjects that we all hash out someway....whether it be fear or what is going on in our daily lives....


but def drop in more often if you could just to give us some updates and hugs...we all love hugs...giving and recieving..


njgal:

That was then...this is now".


great great mantra and great great way to live...


awakened....what are you doing for you?...and for your healing???


strong:

it's disappointing to see that despite all the IC/MC and Onsite we don't appear to have resolved much

ok..first off...he has made progress within himself...and that is key, its a first step...

you cannot change what you do not acknowledge...

second step...whilst he may "see" some things, he cannot possibly see all things.....he has long journey ahead of him....as long as he keeps going to ic...and changing ic if that ic is not making progress or it stagnates.....

next step would be some sort of mc, or mediation between you....you both need to learn how to communicate with each other...and it cannot be done one sided either....i live that one.....you both need to be able to hear one another....but first and foremost the infidelity needs to be dealt with and healed before you can work on the marriage...now that does not mean you cannot learn how to communicate, because you share kids you will always have to communicate....granted the older they get the less this is needed...but you still have a little ways to go....

i think he sees some, but not all, i think he is hurting and cannot see too far beyond that...and thats the saddest part because if he did...he could help you and in turn help himself no matter how it turns out...


i forgot to mention that i am sorry that your son is being deployed....i will keep him in my prayers...


and like honest said...we have your back


honest: well i gotta be honest...i hate that he is coming....i wish you had more time to build yourself up.....so i think you need to develop some of your own mantras to help you get through it....i also think you need to stand tall and strong no matter how you feel....and always remember you are not alone, your journey is your journey that you must make alone....yet with us....so like you keep reminding everyone else...come here, and post often...and journal, i know how much journalling helps you.....

and like you told strong and she in turn told you...we have your back


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone,

Thank you Miracle and Strong.

I want so much to help others here, but haven't been much help at all.

I'm ready for the 2x4's, but I allowed DS 16 to go overseas to visit WH.

He is definitely coming back July 21. They are flying to France tomorrow. Definitely.

The whole thing has hurt, and WH insisted that OW and OC's see DS, and spend time with ALL of them....at our beach house....eating dinner...etc when WH promised that DS would only be seeing OC's and not OW. WH was supposed to stay with DS16 at our house and he didnt'. He let a 21 yr. old cousin stay with him. OW is so wonderful that WH couldn't stay with his son for one night. And WH says he doesn't love her!! BS.

Anyway, I had a big fight with WH about 2 weeks ago...not going to go into it now. WH has absolutely killed any ember of love I had for him with his behavior. WH's behavior shows that not only has he really D in his mind and heart, but has done so a long time ago. I don't even think we were really married in his mind....

The biggest trouble I am having now is reconciling all the info with my memories and past with WH. There is absolutely NO remorse. His actions show time and time again that he has chosen OW and OC's over me and DS's.

I keep seeing it over and over again when I look at the past, and it hurts so much.

Damn.

I really wish WH is not coming. I don't want him here, but I don't know if I'm ready for WWIII.
<sigh>

I've been drinking too much wine lately.

I have to focus on the beautiful day I had today and forget WH. And Laura, I kept thinking of you and the beautiful dream poster you have created for us when I was on the boat today. I can't thank you enough for all the time and energy you have put into that and our wonderful picture that you made. God bless you.

I have been reading, and I say a prayer for each and every one of you. I haven't welcomed the newbies properly, but I have been reading and you are in my thoughts and prayers also.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no 2x4s for you, Honest.
I know how much your DS wanted to go.
I wonder what he will say when he gets home.
It does sound as if your STBXH basically abandoned him in a house with a 21 yr old babysitter. That could also have been a catastrophe depending on the 21 yr old-he could have decided that his 16 yr old charge needed to find out what its like to live it up lke a man!
It'll be interesting to hear if your STBXH has encouraged your DS to move out there.
And.... maybe now STBXH doesn't have to come back to the US and to torture you!
Please take care of you!
Not too much drinking....try to stay busy and stay active.
Keep reading your co-dependent books.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:14 AM, July 16th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honest))

I saw it in FWW's D from her 1st H. The D or S does not remove the problem person for your life or the kids, it just eliminates the living together. Watching some of the unwise choices FWW's DDs did (and continue to make) with encouragement of their Father is difficult, but reality. No good words, but I do have a sense of how this feels.

I am up early, DS and I were to leave before daybreak to take the boat offshore for deepwater fishing. When I got to the boat at 0500, the gate to the storage facility is not working, so I could not get the boat out. They will have it opened by 7 am, but we have missed our early start. This time of year when running offshore (40 miles) you have to go and return early to avoid the thunderstorms.

I think FWW's IC was productive yesterday. I am going to ask IC/MC for a referral to someone I can see for a couple IC sessions to work thiings out. I told FWW my question for MC next week is Why should we stay married? In most of my life I am doing OK. FWW is working on being responsible for her own happiness. We are done raising kids, we have little intimacy, so what is the "advantage" to staying together? Financial? History?

Oh well, I am awake, so I guess I will watch today's stage of the Tour live.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakenedbytruth... "Codependent" is those feelings you have after loving someone for so long. I would say everyone has them and if you didn't, something would be wrong with you. A tough few weeks coming for you. Allgood can relate, I cannot. For me, S = D. I hope that is the same for you because IMO, you cannot work on relationships while apart. NJ's H during S when to AAA. Then she invited him back. I stick with what I have learned. You stop doing those "acts" of love, you stop loving will end up you stop having "Codependent" feelings.

Once you take the leap, you will see. For women, it is much harder. It seems most women are not like M3, Allgood.. having very good jobs. My W for example put her education and career on hold for me.

To now after years of being a homemaker to now jump in the workplace. It just not pay well. Money is not everything though. Just live within your means.

Ladies, I must say this. I tried hard to think of anytime I let my two kids go crying an crying under my watch. I cannot remember ever doing it. I cannot ever remember intentionally allowing them to stay in a dirty diaper. The only time I allowed them to cry was at night when I placed them in bed. I let them cry to sleep.

My W said she could not tell me about her A because, "It would not be fair because I could not separate you from our kids".. "You were the greatest father".. Her unselfishness amongest pure selfishess I suppose. IMO, I could have just as much quality time D, as M.

I would have still coached, still given them cars, still taken them on vacations, still helped with school, still taken them to dinners, cooked for them.. etc...

That's just me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:26 AM, July 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I have a story tell. Yesterday, I don't know why, but I allowed myself to get into one of these "why me lord" "why do I still think about the A, and infidelity" "Will I be 5 years out still under these reminders" "will I ever get to total peace?' etc. It went on maybe 5-10 minutes. My final Q to God was, "just show me a sign why?"

At that very minute... this truck pulled right next to me.

Laura immediately came into my mind and brought me a smile. Ooookayyy... A nag perhaps?

The pick on the left was one of Laura's pics from a while back. I took her pic and put it to water.

Thank you Laura

ats.. I hope you can find what you need.

honest.. a narcissi person needs what you gave him. I never thought your H would steal your son. You play him pretty good IMO.. I think in time you are going to figure out how to feed you stbxh and have your own life too.

njgal480.. You sound good. We must be in the same place?

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:45 AM, July 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-

In response to my statement that:

"I texted him/called him only 3x from 4am-7am"

and my conclusion that:

"Detaching is going very well"

You noted:

these 2 thoughts/actions do not seem to go together....

On the surface - yes, I see the inconsistency of it. But, in reality, my reaction to this was soooooo subdued compared to what it would normally be & I see this as improvement.

1st off - I was able to fall back asleep even after I had woke at 4am & became aware that he still wasn't home. I was also able to put off the usual frenzy of emotions that would go with him not coming home - what's he doing, who is he with, etc. My reaction this time was really limited to 2 things. Is he ok - which is legitimate given the level of his drinking- and how disrespectful that he stay out all night & not even give the courtesy of texting me that he was ok & staying at work (where he can sleep til his tour starts.)

I also didn't get baited into any conversation with him - it was really emotionless. When he finally called to tell me he was at work cuz he didn't want to drive all the way home after drinking, all I said was that he should've called/texted me that that was the case. He began to say "I didn't think you cared..." and I immediately cut him off and told him we've been through this too many times for him to think this kind of thing was ok & said "I'm glad you are well" and hung up.
I never discussed it with him again.

So, it's a huge difference in response to me.
And, I do worry about him because I know I've been the one all along insisting he not drive to these events & otherwise being his designated driver. He does not know when to stop once he's started & I do legitimately worry about him. Despite the s/d, I certainly don't want anything to happen to him, if for no other reason that it would devastate my children. It will be much easier when he's moved out and not in my face.

Between yesterday & today, I see stbx doing things I think to be in my favor. He did A LOT of stuff around the house yesterday & again this morning. He's out taking a very cranky diva out for a walk now cuz I've had it with her (she is soooooo demanding) and last night he rented a movie and asked if I wanted to watch it with him (which I didn't).

Sorta sad that he might be trying to salvage things in this way, but it changes nothing.

Aight.
Peace out y'all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood... I think if you can dream a bit it will help to... Can you?

I think you are going to develop some good new relationships in the future. What is it going to feel like when you have a man that wants you so bad he cannot help himself he wants to touch you that bad? What are you going to do when you start the relationship where someone does everyone of those Desirables I mentions 100% of the time? All directed at you! You gonna believe it can happen or believe it is fake? oh the new feelings you are going to have. I think you are going to be a peace you haven't had in years and years. you'll see. All my D friends that move forward in life say what I tell you.

You made the choice, your H is gone. He speaks two tongues living the life of single right now. One thing I have learned, you cheat because you WANT to be single. Until you Want to be married, you won't.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:57 AM, July 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
So glad to hear that you are going to an IC for yourself!
You need an advocate, someone who can help you navigate through all the twists and turns of what has been going on in the marriage.
And I do believe that telling the story to a third party will help you get clarity.

Strongish- I agree with Miracle... It sounds like your FWH still wants to save the marriage. The problem is an inability to communicate and frustration with the process etc.Don't throw in the towel yet. Maybe finding a new MC would be helpful.
I did see my husband during the separation. Not at first of course... I was serious about divorce and I started shopping for lawyers. I did go to IC right away and so did my husband. And of course he went to AA. But, after a few months I did agree to go to church with him. And then to church and coffee. And then to MC. Slowly, we began to reconnect/date.
I am so sorry for what you are going through...all of this mess and now having to worry about your DS's deployment. I will be keeping him in my prayers.

Allgood- I am so sorry. What an idiot he is. I do see that constant thread of drinking too much as an excuse for bad behavior. That is definitely something that he will have to get under control in the future if he wants to have any relationship with his children. And unfortunately, his overnights with 'work friends' has my spidey sense up... I wonder if he is still in the 'fog' when it comes to the OW and that is why he is so harsh etc. toward you and the kids. Typical WS behavior......?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you post pictures on here like you do?

iwantamiracle - What am I doing for healing? Good question. Well, we went to MC for almost a year, I went to IC a few times, read lots, go to church when I can, spend time with girlfriends, vent on SI, and invest in good wine. I am a very self aware and willing to work on my part. This time last year, I was in a fog. So now, while I am still heartbroken at the situation, I feel like I am handling it better. What does being healed look like after something like this? I don't know...and I think it's going to be a long time till I see it close up.

tryin - I pretty much much equate S and D. The only hope I have in S not being D is for WH to wake up and realize that this life holds more value than the one he thinks he wants. Let's face it, he has ran from the work since day 1 and is very selfish. His first two stipulations in R were, I'm not quitting my job and I resent going to church with you so I'm not going to unless it's a special occasion. (Um, we were going like once a month) He went to therapy but hated every minute of it and couldn't get through one book. I kept holding on to hope that something would spark his desire to overlook his own guilt. I do believe he is sorry he did this to us (regret) but he cannot put that into action (remorse). Just like his mom.....just like the grandma.....he is stepping into cover it up mode and move on. Good for him. Let me know how that works out for ya. I do understand that being together so long, makes one codependent in a good way. But I practice it, in some respects, in an unhealthy way. I have spent this last year in his head. It's been all about him. Most other relationships in my life are reciprocal. I would like the most important relationship in my life to be that way also.

But yes, I stayed home with the kids while he traveled. I became the mom he wanted (cause she was a single mom and he had no boundaries) around for my kids, stable, loving, etc. Yet, when the economy went south, he felt the burden of keeping us afloat. It has taken me awhile to find those steps back into the workplace. I didn't want, at this age, to not go in the direction of my future. But now (although not a great wage) I am working at my kids school. I have to take a step backward, once again, to get in the door, but I feel like I am on the right path. Is this going to be a change of lifestyle? Oh yeah, but again....I really didn't feel like I had a choice.

Thanks for the vent and support tribe.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened - Your sich sounds similar to mine in that I am restarting full-time work as a result of my FWH's LTA. I have never really stopped working but I had worked hard to get where I am/was. I was able to do 90% of my work from home and only had to go into the office a few times/month. On Monday I will be back to working in the office 90% of the time. Although I recognize that I made the decision to return to working more, I felt like I was trapped in my M as I was dependent on FWH for my/our income. We have S and I want to prove to myself and to FWH that I don't NEED him to have a good and happy life. My standard of living is going to plummet, but after a year of trying to make it work, it will be worth losing the luxuries I have to have some peace in my mind.

Here's my dilemma and anyone, please tell me what you think. FWH and I separated about 3 weeks ago. I do not miss him. We have been married 28 years and before DDay I wouldn't have been able to imagine getting through a day without talking to him, via phone, Skype or texting. Instead I feel like some pressure has been relieved. Is this normal?? Shouldn't I be missing him like crazy?? When I see him I feel guilty that he is hurting because I'm not ready to fully R and I feel sorry for him as he is living with his parents, but I don't miss him. I think about our life before DDay and I can honestly say I didn't feel like I was cherished. I felt like FWH and I made a good "team" and I would feel guilty if I didn't pull my weight. For example, if I wanted to go out to dinner with my friends, I should have something already made or at least all the ingredients for a planned dinner ready to go for FWH and whichever kids were home. I now resent that. If FWH was going to dinner with a friend he didn't have to worry about what the rest of us were eating. I started feeling like I needed "permission" in order to do something just for me. Like I had to justify my going and doing something alone....a friend's birthday, etc. Or am I nitpicking because I'm just not feeling the love for FWH and I'm making excuses to detach from him even further.

The thought of D scares me but only because I fear being alone. I want to be in a committed relationship, I want to feel sexy and desired. I don't feel sexy or desires with FWH and I certainly don't feel attracted to him sexually. Can I ever feel that way again? Help!


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