For what it's worth, it's not been the whole marrige. We had about 2 years before it started. Doesn't mean a lot does it.
We don't have any children. And I can understand that to people who know how hard recovery after a LTA is would think that leaving him would be an easier option. I just don't know if I can make that decision though, not yet anyway. I think I want to see how counselling goes.
Thank you for your honesty.
Allgoodnamesgone, thank you for responding too. I know I maybe seem stupid for not running... I just don't know how I could do that.
That's everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I guess I'm just waiting... waiting to see how it all goes.
sending hugs to our newbies and of course to all of the tribe...lurkers too!!!
Ok, here are my thoughts… First, Do you want your marriage or not? Yes or No… and no maybe’s.
If NO, then go on down and get a Lawyer and do it. I will bet you $100 within a year you can be in a new relationship if you do some work at it. You mind will be in a different place to worry about new things, but it won’t be on infidelity. You will have some great stories to tell too. I think all the new things you will face will be pretty interesting and exciting. Get some courage and FILE. Your kids will be OK. They will adjust and you can have a good quality life with them. I have several D friends and all are doing good.
If you say Yes, OK, the feelings of infidelity just stay with us for month and months, and let’s move forward. If you say YES to your M, then you really need to tell your W you apologies for allowing your emotions get too you to the point of saying "D". If you say yes and want to R, then you need some NEW thinking to get to a peace.
Go read my Journal. Pay close attention to how to forgive. Pay close attention to what makes for the best marriages and Pay attention to those desirables I made with bullets. You make a commitment to yourself practice all those everyday and do it. Then show them to your W. Your W wants to help you so let her. Not allowing her to help you is not very attractive. Show her the desirables and what happens in successful marriages. Asked her to please follow those things and make a new promise to each other to stick to those Desirables. If someone fails to follow them, an apology is in required. (To the tribe: Hah, I wasn't a nag nor posted a chart! )
I think you might be surprised what happens.
Oh yeh, if you are maybe, then attend Retrouvaille so they can help you make it a yes or no.
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:09 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]
Did he tell you why he cheated?
nope, he's not in the service. We have talked some about the whys, both ourselves and with our pastor a bit. I know he felt a lack of affection from me. It started off as someone to talk to... went downhill from there. So, I don't know. He's not once blamed me though for the A, he is accepting responsibility. I think he has self esteem issues. His character needs work in general I guess...
I don't know where to start almost, so many possible reasons.
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who's taking the time to read and respond. I feel like all I do when I'm on this website is take, not give. But I guess that's just the way it is just now, partly my age, partly my newbie status. I'm sorry you all have to be here, but I'm glad you have a safe place.
What you don't understand is that by making your post, they help us.
You've seen it before, where a person that is wounded, hurt badly, they start a foundation. Why do the do it? It makes them feel good that what has happened can make a difference in someone's life.
So NEVER be afraid to take. Plus, we are a whole lot cheaper than IC'ing. I spit out what I learned at IC all the time. They told me the same thing but they always look at there watch during the sessions. Humm?
I have taken many times from Iwant, Laura, M3, FF, UK, Nell, ats, Dip, NJgal, honest, and many more.
Join on in and never give it a second thought.
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:52 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]
Well sure you know where to start.. YOU DID IT! your first good choice was finding SI.
This is going to be a process. You are going to have some ups and downs.
I think the fine ladies on this threat can help you. (As long as you follow my charts, graphs and diagrams too )
Anyway, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you know what that means?
Anyway, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you know what that means?
That's really all I have in me at the moment... feeling very shallow. Which is necessary. I think I'm in the process of "refreshing"... like a computer. Hit refresh and then wait.
I'll be back and scintillating as ever, tribe. Hugs to the new tribe members! And the "old" ones, too.
Very grateful for it today! I've been off work today, and it's seemed like a long day.
Welcome and stop beating yourself up. You have been handed a major trauma and all of this can be hard to handle. Everyone goes through all kinds of highs and lows. You have to learn how to control these and it is just not easy.
You need to post a few charts. They can be helpful.
Welcome to all the new members and hi to the oldies.
Hugs to the tribe.
acceptance of who she is, acceptance of what shes done and finally acceptance of she is changing to become the wife she should have been - faithful
fear of getting hurt again, and just being hurt...all anger is based in hurt....you are hurting and its perfectly normal...and when we hurt we lash out because we are angry at them for hurting us so completely....
and we cannot change what we donot acknowledge...
and lta = long term recovery
from what i have read and heard it takes an average of 2-5 years to get over infidelity and truly move on from it...for us its a bit mroe then that because of the sheer length of time it took place...to believe someone who was able to fool us and lie to us for such a long period of time....to say its not easy is an understatement...
and its ok to take space now and then....we have so much to process and it takes time and patience...and more patience im thinkin from ourselves just as much as from our ws's should we be in 'r'...
make no decisions in anger or any raw emotion for that matter...all decisions made in raw emotion are all mostly regretted....
vulnerable...while its true that for you it would be easy to d and move on, it would also leave you wondering, leave you with feeling a possible regret im thinkin....
i also think because you are so young and do not have kids yet that a time limit on deciding what you will do is in order....give yourself 6 months...or rather give him 6 months to prove himself and and see if you really want to work it out...the pain and hurt will stay with you far longer then that.....but this should at least give you something to look at and hopefully make a decision....for if he cannot do what it takes to show you that he is worth your time after 6 months...using both your head and your heart then leave....
m3 what was the name of that book about whether to stay or to leave, i think that book would be great for vulnerable right now....so vulnerable when she chimes in with the title go out and get it.......i think you will find it quite useful
allgood....hows it goin for you hon
nell...you make me laugh even when you claim you are off..whatever it is you know we are here for you...
honest..keep the faith and keep strong....and remember the faith needs to be within you for yourself...you can do what you gotta do...you have already proven that you can...and as for ds16...i think he will be coming home with i hope a new appreciation for his mom....the mom who does not lie to him, the mom who always puts him first, the mom who is always there for him....
In addition to FWWs who had LTAs, we have something else in common I see. I too have spent nights on the boat to be away from my W. I usually do it about 20 off shore with the radar in watch mode.
that said, I have to comment on this:
... she did nothing to deserve this treatment...
If this is true, why are you posting in LTA? ;-)
My perspective is that after an entire M not being honest about feelings, 2 LTAs, TT, plus ons's, I do not have to feel safe and accepted even when FWW is doing all the right things. For me it is going to take time with loving behavior, a lot of time.
I know it is not as easy as just get divorced. Unemployed fww, kids in college, upside down house... What you can do is lead your life within the conditions life has dealt you. Your FWW can always leave if she cannot or doesn't want to take your current behavior.
As for me, a great weekend and a day on the boat with fww that was fun. Tonight, not sleeping because I an angry about the stepdaughter-FWW-Ataenaotie triangle relationship. Stepdaughter will get what she wants, FWW and FWW's xH at wedding together without me. Also, FWW is leaving to visit with he Father next week. She is leaving the morning of our wedding anniversary. Pointing this out triggered a lecture on how it is my Mother's fault we got married on that date.
honest, I am thnking of you.
allgood, you are making great progress.
While njgal and Tryn have made a go of R with their FWSs, I do not think this is an indication that D too cannot lead to a happier future. They are all just options. I just need to decide which is the fear and pain to lean into?
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:50 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]
And the wedding. Are your DS's invited to their sister's wedding?
Vulnerable: There is a general rule on SI to wait at least 6 months before making a decision.
While she is at the wedding I will be offshore out of cell contact.
Welcome vulnerable and dadof4. So sorry you have to be here. But we will help you. Hang in. try to stay sane!!!
I know it's hard to believe (I didn't) but it does get easier.
Your dream is IN.
Now I just need NoFUn's and would love to have them from any lurkers. vulnerable and dadof4 - dreams for the future are important. Do you have a dream? If so let me know and I will add it. Just a few sentences about what you dream of for the future. May be with or without your WS.
So Draft 6 (I think)
All Ok at Laura's. Work is crazy. I'm still dipping and swaying but doing OK. FWH has the man-flu which is something of a pain.
Love to all
[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:00 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]
PS need to move the artwork to a billboard
[This message edited by deeppurple at 6:38 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]
But my FWH's man-flu lasted 3 days!!!!!!
He is MUCH better tonight but tells me he is still not up to sex!!!!
Man-flu is a recognised phenomenon.
Sounds like you had something else
Will provide a link to a higher res pic when final.
Really waiting for Fun. Just can't finish without her.
Hope all goes well this week. You HAVE to get answers. There is no way to move on without them.
Sheesh. I'm almost ready to play PI myself!!!!!!