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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. To see if you have some mental issues, this is the test.

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

My results said I was below average in personality disorders. I was 1% above the average in Narcissistic.

My W will say stuff like you are "this" and "that." So, I find these test and honestly take them. If I am, I am. But most times, I am not. So I show her the results. I get the ole eye's rolling.

IMO, your w's DD is not going to have a complete innocent M. If you are taught your whole life not to share your feelings, unable to communicate to each other in a safe way, unable to have the strenght to say NO, you won't. It is an endless cycle you tend to teach your kids. (my DD is a "runner" too. She can text it but never face to face, much like my W.) I would think in about 5 years, she too will feeling something missing then be open to falling for the affections and affirmations of another. Maybe even her new H too. Oh well, that seems to be life these days.

Do we have "the balls" to know we can be happy depending on what we do? So at dinner last night with a man now 30 months post dday and D. He also confirmed what I say. My question is this, How often do you think about your XW on a daily bases? He says not often. He says it might pop briefly in his mind dropping or picking up his kids. Sometime he will see families together and think about it, long for it. In frequency of days, he says he can go 4 days without a thought when he is with his new woman and even when he does think about it, it is brief and not hurtful in any way. My point, have confidence you can move on if your spouse cannot treat you with those desirables.

For me, my W is being desirable to me from all I can see. I don't cry too often any more.

M3, I go to weddings to party too.

As I continue to understand the meaning of love and Sex...Ok another chart!

0115.. I love that song too.

Anyways.. Peace to all today.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:50 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in - I'm fine. I read up on everyone's sitch every day, but I feel I don't really have much to contribute. I'm sort of trying to put all this A crapola behind me.

Awakened- just want to let you know it does get easier. It really does. I cannot believe that I am now at the point where I hardly even think about my stbx anymore. It's really quite a relief.
Just wanted to let you know that you will get there before you know it.

Hope everyone else is well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, that cloud’s building nicely! It’s good to see us all wrapped up together, drifting along and hoping our dreams will give us some peace. All those little words and ideas – the whole cloud sounds beautiful.

Hi FNF! Can I visit you at your dream house?

Awakened,

I did put my personal healing and gratification above his discomfort about it.
I do see the need to blog (I journal) as long as you are not identifiable. If you are anonymous, I don’t see his reason to be uncomfortable – he doesn’t have to read it! I do know that my early journaling was aimed at tearing myself apart, not understanding the whys (I still don’t, but that’s by-the-by) and moved on to trying to “mend” things and change (dunno why, it wasn’t me that was at fault) and then absolute vitriolic fury. Hatred poured onto the page on a daily basis. Reading back, I realise it was pure venting. The build up inside me was so great, I had to get it out somehow – and taking it out on H or our marriage was not going to do us any good. I password protected the docs, just in case he should sneak a look. So I’m just saying it’s a good way of getting release in a fairly safe way. But I would suggest anonymity and password protection. The blogging is for you, not him.

Ats

Her future MIL is not invited either.
Wow. Just wow. I think you should be relieved you’re not invited. We were pointedly not invited to fWH’s nephew’s wedding. The only relatives to NOT be invited. I won’t go into the boring details as to why (SIL’s material jealousy of what she thought we had), but y’know what? It meant we didn’t have to pay for a hotel for 6 of us, kennelling for the dogs, petrol and meals out – or a present!

Anyway, no one “steals” someone else away – unless it is a child. People make choices. You did not “steal” anybody. Your SD sounds extremely insecure, which does not bode well for the marriage.

Tryn’ – nice chart!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FNF! Can I visit you at your dream house?

Absolutely! But you know, I just might ask you to prepare one of your famous meals for us . We all know what a great cook you are. I'd love to open my dream house up for as many of our tribe as possible - that's another part of my fantasy.

ATS - I'm with the others here - your SD's future M if off to a terrible start - I cannot imagine going into such a happy occasion with so much bitterness toward others. And to not invite your future MIL -- wow, not good, not good at all.
Yes, I'm with UKG, be glad you're not on the list.

So I have a question. Lately I've been having dreams and they are not with my H but with men who I have found attractive over the years. What's up with that????? In my waking hours I do not think of other men but wow, my dreams are very hot. Hopefully it's a phase! Anybody else want to admit to this, please.

UKG - I was wondering if you ever hear from LH. It's been ages since she checked in. I hope she is doing okay.

Honest- thinking of you today and hoping this visit is brief and as free of stress as possible with your narcissitic H. Please check in often to get the support and encouragement you need.
(((Honest)))
Hugs to the tribe!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know if the rest of the tribe may find this humorous or not....but another SIer made a little video on a site called xtranormal. She depicts why her WS felt 'loved' by the OW as opposed to his wife.
IMHO its really funny.
I think sometimes it helps to laugh at the ridiculousness of the WS foggy, toxic thinking.
Heck, I'm thinking of making one of these videos using my FWH's emails with the MOW as a script! Now that would be funny also......
If you are interested in viewing it send me a pm.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:29 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal

If it is Soulmate Schmoopie's I think it's hilarious!! So truthful it CAN hurt, but I guess my humor has been warped too!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think i have only seen one case where i actually reversed that....and she the ws was an abused woman...and not just the verbal and emotional...hell i was that woman too...but this woman had been physically abused as well as i believe her bh is a total nutcase...and not driven to it after finding out about her cheatin...it only served to make what she was already living with a 100 times worse....she is on this site and whenever she posts in the wayward, everyone....and i mean every bs and ws here tells her to get out and get away from this poor excuse of a human being....

Miracle, this is why I was banned from Wayward. I posted on one of her STOP signs. I just couldn't help it. There was a woman on a pregnancy message board due date club I was in many years ago who used to make posts like hers -- and you know what? Her husband killed her. I just couldn't stand it so I broke the rules and got banned.

edited: I had to take out the code -- it said it would show my personality disorder test results but it LIED. A bit schizoid but they say you'll test that way with a high IQ (I could read on college level before I started kindergarten ) and a bit boderline (but I'm bipolar, they test similar due to the mood swings.) OK -- I'm a nut job. That still doesn't mean you cheat on me: in theory you should be TERRIFIED to cheat on me... just kidding. Or am I? No, I am.

tryn: love your chart. Once again it makes me wonder if *I'm* the FB/OW in his head? The whole thing is just too weird.

njgal -- i had to turn that off! I was getting embarassed!

Hey! Did anyone notice that I wrote this back on page 17?! Am I an ass for caring about this? I mean, to me this is seriously F'ed up. And you knwo what's REALLY F'ed up? It's a picture of him, her, my oldest DS and her DS2 on a roller coaster looking back at the camera! Like a FAMILY photo. Wait! It gets better! *I* took it! I'm not ON the coaster because I'm pregnant with The Pasha...Ugh. I seriously want to SCREAM. No wonder I never could make "WH" into "FWH" in any of my posts. Take your stinky smoking torch and stick it up your ass.

I just saw that my WH has been carrying around a picture of OW for the last 19 months. Shouldn't that have felt like a knife in my heart? I think it should have. Do you know what it really felt like? A deep breath, a big sigh, and the thought: "you're never going to get to where you need to be if you keep carrying the past around in your pocket."

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:42 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - no, I totally missed it.

I'm glad for your reaction.

I had a similar reaction when I saw a pic of my stbx & OW at the party together. To me, it said it all - no such photo should exist - there is no explanation for this at all. It forces your hand.

I would be upset that he carried the photo around, it would make me sad, especially after you gave him a chance to R, but it does force one off the fence doesn't it?

What did he say to this?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I snooped. And I haven't told him I saw it. Frankly, I don't want to deal with moody fighting bullshit right before and on my vacation.

What on earth COULD he say? Jeesh.

I just think of that horrible, heart-crushing, grief-infused, ready to throw up gut wrenching feeling, that sadness, of Dday and of day after day after day for months and months on end. All the tears. Blah blah.

Man, I wish I felt that now. Who knew I would ever wish for THAT? I'm just annoyed. Really annoyed. Pissed? Exasperated is more like it. This dude is not my husband and never has been. You know, I kind of want my first husband back. Not really, but at least he was ACTUALLY my huband. Not WH. He's a "friend" with benefits who I have some kids with. And he's also not a very good friend. What a joke of a "marriage". I am seriously just rolling my eyes here. I think people should come with warning labels, I really do.

I wish I was hurt. I mean, I'm somewhat hurt, but mostly I'm just annoyed he has continued to waste my time. Do you know what I thought of when I saw it? That scene from Finding Nemo where marlin looks at Dorie and says "Something's wrong with you. You're wasting my time."

I guess I should thank God for SI. Without SI I'd probably be surprised and devestated. After hanging out here it's more like "typical. At least it's not broken NC or someone new or whatever." It could be worse. But it's bad enough.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What on earth COULD he say? Jeesh

He could say he put it in there a long time ago & forgot it was there, never look at it, etc.

That was the story I got when I found a SIM card in my stbx' wallet back in December. (Told me it was an extra from the secret phone he had got from OW 1 1/2 years earlier, put it in his wallet &forgot all about it.)

Why DO you want to stay M3? Is WS having unsupervised visitation really it?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115-
its not the schmoopies video its another one...

M33- were you really grossed out by the video? I'm sorry if you were... I guess for me after reading the extremely graphic emails from the MOW I have become totally desensitized...trust me the video was very mild compared to what went on in my FWH's emails with the MOW.

I'm sorry about the photo thing. I agree with Allgood- the only appropriate reaction should have been that he forgot it was in there and did not even realize OW was in the pic! or something like that.
I would be crazed if my husband had anything to do with the OW in his wallet or his belongings at this point.

Allgood- You sound good...peaceful.

Honest- Thinking of you today. Hopefully you will get through this visit OK.
Stay strong.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love him. It makes no sense. I do not know why. I decided some time ago to stop trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

The bottom line is that he's got a drinking problem. If he'll quite and GENIUNELY deal with this affair, then there is some hope. If he won't, there is no hope. It's as simple as that. The house is on the market; it's a little ticking timer. I'm prepared that it's more likely than not that I'm moving away from this house without him. It really destroys me, but I am tough and I will thrive.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf...i had pm's lh last month...i remembered what that month meant to her and for her...she answered me...she is hangin in is about all...i did pm her again and have not heard from her again...


m3..the picture...you already know my thoughts...and you have another pm..

as for you responding to the ws in the wayward forum...when you want to reach out to one of the ws's and there is a stop sign...send a pm....as long as you are not flaming them its usually recieved well...the stop sign is to protect them from us flaming them...they need a safe outlet, which is quite helpful for those that wish to truly heal...it enables the ws to completely be honest as they should be if they want to heal and move forward in their lives....

this woman in particular is one of those cases that everyone and i mean everyone is on her side but she steadfastly is on her husbands side which is warped at best....guilt does a lot of things to alot of people...


allgood: glad to hear how well you are doing...i really am...

when are you telling the kids its over?


(((honest)))..thinking of you today...you know how to reach me if the need is there...


njgal...pm me the link please, i could use a laugh

ukigirl...what a great way to put laura's project...her "dream cloud"

ats: have you gotten an ic referral yet?....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal, it's a file on a flash drive he carries around. he was showing me how to put things on the flash drive and when I noticed the title of the folders and said one aloud he literally said something like well, now you know how to do it and pulled the drive right out of the computer. gee, wonder why I got suspicious?

you know, snooping is not cool, and I only looked at the pictures because he has client information on there and that is not good for me to see, but I should never have been in a place where I even needed to snoop. and I also learned, when I finally did snoop, that if I'd been snoopy YEARS earlier I could have saved myself a lot of trouble -- so I insta-snooped this hoping I wouldn't find anything but of course EVERY time I've snooped I find something because, yea, lucky me, and then I thought, well I should look at his phone but I didn't and I'm not going to because what's the point? The picture is there. The drinking problem is there. They are both enough of a problem. Either he's still NC or NC never happened. My guess is the first. I've seen HUGE changes in him. He's either got to let the pictures and pining go and march down the path of sobriety and lots of IC and truly joining this family or he can keep whatever he wants and forge ahead without me. That's all. It's just a choice. My first choice would be he's sober and faithful and with us. My second choice is that I'm alone (with the kids, of course! Love those little ones!)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-
You're 100% right- the alcohol problem has to addressed. And they say it takes 3 months of sobriety before an alcoholic starts seeing things clearly again...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gang:

I've been back from vacation and have been trying to read up, but I don't have the time...so I'm stopping in to say that my thoughts are with everyone.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf.

You had a question about your hot dreams. I think it is probably normal and healthy. I can't admit to having any hot dreams lately. I would like to know this. What is your secret? How do you get yourself to have these dreams and what do you do to remember them? I would hate to think that I was having hot dreams but can't remember them.

m3.

Thanks for the chart. I have gone to the last wedding I will ever attend. I might go to a open bar reception though.

ats.

So you are a psyco serial killer type of person? It is often those shy quiet types.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Tryn

I did the test

Me Average

Paranoid 30% 49%
Schizoid 38% 53%
Schizotypal 22% 53%
Antisocial 54% 47%
Borderline 30% 47%
Histrionic 34% 43%
Narcissistic 66% 41%
Avoidant 30% 39%
Dependent 30% 37%
Obsess-Comp 54% 40%

Did I pass?

I thought about doing it while trying to use my pre dday worldview. It would be interesting to see the differences as I KNOW I have changed since dday.

I esp noted the Narcissistic result. Becoming a little more narcissitic was for me a requirement for surviving!

Interesting little exercise

LOVE the chart.

Allgood

Great to hear you sounding so good. Stay strong honey.

NJ

Yes I have looked at some of the xtranormal videos. They really give you a giggle. Would love to see yours sometime. Will definitely make one of my own one day soon.

M33

I wish I was hurt. I mean, I'm somewhat hurt, but mostly I'm just annoyed he has continued to waste my time.

Yes I remember you mentioning the pic. I meant to comment but then thought I must have misunderstood. That you were talking about the past not recently. I just can't fathom how their minds work. To me it is just a mystery. I know if I found something similar my FWH would just come up with an excuse. It is really weird. But then their heads do work differently to ours. Otherwise they would not have done what they did. WSs truly are a different species.

I agree with NJ

I would be crazed if my husband had anything to do with the OW in his wallet or his belongings at this point.

FNF

I had these kinds of dreams lots before dday when the sex was truly pitiful. Not since. Can't help otherwise.

Honest

Thinking of you today. Hugs and prayers honey

Hi to everyone else.

All is OK in Laura's house

Gotta run tribe - busy day ahead.


Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, dip? you officially made me do my "snorty" laugh!

And they say it takes 3 months of sobriety before an alcoholic starts seeing things clearly again...
Nj gal, I wish -- my pdoc said more like a year.

I'm off to my FABULOUS vacation -- but I thought I'd give a quick Baby Paddy update: she's awesome! Tomorrow she's getting braces to wear in her shoes, which I've been worried about the cost, but in a good karma moment the County services person called this afternoon to see how she was doing and when I mentioned she was getting braces tomorrow she told me that they would pay for them! She's going to fax a form to the store to put them on the county's account! Wow! What a nice surprise. I feel like it's my birthday.

Baby Paddy is sweet and sassy and she's talking and walking and dancing and my current favorite "therapy" activity? Helping her jump on the bed!!! Hard life, huh? Sunshine likes "helping" with that one too, I'm sure you can imagine...

Have a great week everyone.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say 'hi'. I appreciate you letting me hang out in your 'home'. I'm doing ok, just taking things one day at a time.

Hope you're all having a good week


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
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