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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thursday everyone....yep, I just now came up for air and have been trying to "catch-up" with the goings-on here on LTA. I started my new/old job on Monday and have been working downtown every day with something every night as well. This sucks! My feet are killing me from wearing heels all day long (thank goodness tomorrow is casual Friday and I can wear flats) and my back hurts from the chair in front of my desk. And yes, I would like some cheese to go with my "whine!"

Welcome to the newbies. You have found a place that is safe and supportive. We tend to talk a lot but you won't find a better group of "friends."

Honest - Are you hangin' in there? You might want to keep count of how many times you want to do bodily harm to Mr. Dishonest. You could give yourself a prize when you reach double-digits and don't act on your urges! Thinking of you.

Laura - The collage is looking so awesome!

I'll try and write more later but I've got to get dinner going for DS17. Gosh he eats a lot!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello strong...its so good to hear from you...and i am so sorry you are so tired...i hope it will get easier as you go...not an easy task to get back into the field...and get some pretty flats and save the heels for goin dancin...!!!!


vulnerable...

.

I appreciate you letting me hang out in your 'home'.

this is your 'home' as much as it is ours....we all pull together here, its how we roll...( i always wanted to say that.. )


family therapy tonite...brought the boys to go over the knife incident...

she said we should have called the police immediately...not sure if i agree with it but if it should happen again i will do as she has instructed...better safe then sorry..

and in the convos that were happening...scrawny boy says..

"he's not much better a parent then she is"...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

Got no time.

But had to jump in quick to say

and in the convos that were happening...scrawny boy says..

"he's not much better a parent then she is"...

Miracle do not take this to heart. He is a teenage boy. They do amazingly stupid things. It's the testosterone.

He doesn't mean this, doesn't think this and probably doesn't even remember saying it. If he does he is horrified that he did it.

Please DON'T be upset. He loves you and knows you are a great mum.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish - besides your aches & pains, how are you doing with the separation? I forget what your plan was - did you have a certain amount of time where you were making a decision to stay separated or give R another try? Do the 2 of you have any contact at all at this point?

Miracle:

I'm sorry. I'm sure it was just a flippant remark & not any indication of how he truly feels.
((Miracle))

M3: Intersting that you are willing to sit on this bomb through your vacation, but you don't think your H can manage the fallout from it & do the same.
Also - to clarify - was this just on his flash drive or an actual photo? If it's the former - I don't know how reasonable it is for him to have thought to remove all OW photos from it, since she is in your family pics. (Unless of course the subfile was of just OW pics) Is that possible?

Anyway, have a good time & we will be thinking of you.

Tryn: I took that test too. Too bad it seems to diagnose everybody with something - but I'm taking your approach - my highest ranking was 50% - I forgot int which category - maybe antisocial. So, I might be crazy, but I'm a lot less crazy than your average folk. Lol.

Honest?
Where are you? Seriously, check in.

Fun - glad to see you. Hope you are ok.

FNF - those dreams, well, enjoy them! Last week I had a dream where someone I have a pending case with made a cameo. I'm sure I will be giggling a bit to myself next time I see him. I'm pretty sure it's cuz he was semi-inapprorpriate with me, could've been flirting with me, so that snuck into my dreams. (Going nowhere tho -he's 10 years younger than me & he's too arrogant for me. I now have zero tolerance for that - which will rule out about 90% of the people I come across in the course of my employment. Lol.)

As for me - telling the kids tonight/tomorrow that stbx is moving out at the end of this month.
Also been a bit skittish lately because I have to go into the area where both stbx & ow work - where their A took place & go right next to the criminal building - keeping my fingers crossed OW isn't there (for work purposes) because the buildings are actually attached, parking is in the same area, etc. I will be with someone she knows (someone whose size alone makes him stand out of a crowd) and that she would likely approach. While I would like to think she would not intentionally approach me, I don't think she knows what I look like.
I'm sure I'm just getting worked up over nothing, but damn, I don't want to go there.


[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:26 AM, July 22nd (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIracle - Now you KNOW that what scrawny boy said was just his blowing off steam, admittedly at your expense, but that's what kids do and he is still a kid. He loves you and I firmly believe that your kids know that YOU are there for them, always, 24/7. Don't take his flippant comment to heart.

{{{Miracle}}}

Allgood- I'll be thinking of you as you enter the "forbidden zone." Keep your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of...remember that always. And if you happen to run into OW, give her your most bored stare or even better, just look over her shoulder like she doesn't exist. She can't hold a candle to you.

{{{Allgood}}}

As for me....FWH and I agreed to a 3-month S. I asked him to not ask me about the "status" of our relationship during this time. He has honored that. We talk maybe once/week and that has normally been about logistics. We did have a heart-to-heart talk one week ago when he came to switch cars. It was depressing. I can see that he is working to rebuild his self-esteem, which is good only in that that means that he knows he is the one that screwed up, but the conversation was like a replay of the ones we had months ago. The bottom line is that he really feels like he gave 110% in our M and I did not appreciate him and that was why he was open to an A. I feel like I have given 110% to our M and that what he did was a betrayal. He doesn't see it that way since he never had any intention of leaving me or our M. Sigh.....we go 'round and 'round. He asked me if I would be willing to see the joint MC again and I said I would, but that I would not do the work of arranging the appt., etc. So he did....he contacted her and we're going in mid-August. Meanwhile, I am so much more at peace. Truthfully, I think every day about just calling him up and telling I want a D. I'm so disappointed in the man I see. It's just not what I want for a life-long partner. For right now, I'm enjoying the peace.

TGIF!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a flash drive. It has some specific pictures from that vacation and from around that time. a few of our oldest son. One of me, him and our son, two of our son and her sons, one of me and him, and one of him, her and one of her sons and our son. We only had one child then. She had 3.

Sigh. So, it's a bunch of specific pictures he pulled off our computer and put on there a few years ago. Maybe they're even picture she e-mailed him -- I don't know.

The whole thing is just bullshit. The infidelity just completely ruins the entire marriage for me. There's not much you can do about that.

If it was just our vacation I might not sit on it, but we're going with 3 other couples and their kids -- and he pretty much deliberately ruins all special occasions anyway -- no reason to give him extra ammo.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-if it was on a flash drive I'm sure he did not remember what was on there and from what you say about your husband-his lack of sensitivity combined with the drinking-I doubt he would have ever thought to check the pics and remove pics of the OW.
It does stink that so much has been ruined by the LTA.
I once read the definition of the word adulterate- and it meant to ruin or poison something.
Actually here's the definition:
a·dul·ter·ate/əˈdəltəˌrāt/Verb: Render (something) poorer in quality by adding another substance, typically an inferior one.
Interesting, huh? It does apply to what adultery does to a marriage.

With 3 other couples going on the vacation...along with the kids...you should have plenty of diversions. You won't have to focus on WH.
Try to enjoy yourself and your children.

I also wanted to say it's great to hear that Baby Paddy is doing well!

Allgood- Hold your head up high if you do run into the OW ...you have nothing to be ashamed of! She...on the other hand certainly does!

Nofun- Welcome back!

Strongish-You do sound peaceful.

Miracle- Sorry to hear about the outburst by your DS...
hopefully family counseling will be helpful for all of you.

Honest- Thinking of you today. Hope all is well.

Tryin- I need to take that test! But...I'm sure that the results would have been very different 5 yrs ago...pre-d-day. The LTA has definitely changed me. Some for the better and some for the worse...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Back safely in my office. No drama this morning.

I was never ashamed. It was more of an awkwardness combined with a "what if I do something that will get me arrested" kind of anxiety.

Now back to work.
Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad you are back ok allgood...i am confused, how could she not know what you look like since you represented her?!?!


thanks all for the boost...when scrawny boy made his comment i was torn...

part of me was...yay, i am doing my job...they are not supposed to like me when they are teens

another part was...hell, we have so much fun, i make him laugh, he shares some shit with me....less of a parent..really!!

another part was...okie dokie...he is not a happy camper...wonder if:
a) he knows and thats why
b) is mad because i have done nothing in his eyes against his brother the bully
c) is mad just because

i didnt take it too personally, but it still stung just a bit for a bit...

strong:it is really good that he is respecting your wishes regarding convo's...it sucks that when you did talk it was the same shit, different day...is he in ic...not that it might help..pfm has been in ic forever and a day and he is still a world class idiot..


m3: i hope your vacation gives you major distraction a place to just BE...

i think when you come back you will be faced with some decisions....

your ws is who he is and i dont think he is going to change....


here in ny its one of those holy crap hot days...100+ in temp...stay cool my northeastern si'ers...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle

ok allgood...i am confused, how could she not know what you look like since you represented her?

She never came into my office - it was a pretty simple matter & she gave me her info via phone & email. We were pretty early on in the process when DDay hit & from that point forward the "attorney/client relationship was irretievably broken" and alas, she had to find another lawyer.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people should come with warning labels, I really do.

M3: I agree 1000%!!!! This is sad and funny at the same time.
I agree with the others, that your WH is so insensitive and doesn't think, that he doesn't really know the pic is there, or didn't bother removing it. But I know it hurts none the less. If you feel you can sit on this and just enjoy your vacation, then do so. Do whatever is best for you.
Thank you for the good news about Baby Paddy!! She is growing up so fast!! God bless her.

Allgood: I'm glad that you didn't have to run into OW. It's just another thing that we just don't need. My thoughts and prayers are with you when you tell the kids.

Miracle: Just chalk what scrawny boy said to another teen angst moment. Many times teens will say what they feel AT THAT MOMENT, but it really isn't how they feel all the time.

Strong: You are doing so well. I know it's so hard to get back into the swing of things with work. You should look into buying some flat or low heeled pumps. I couldn't wear heels all day long either!! You do sound peaceful. Do what is good for you, not what you think you should be feeling. If WH goes to IC and starts changing, then you'll know what to do. Right now, take care of you.

Good to see you Nofun! We missed you.

As for me, DS and WH arrived safe and sound. WH is acting very angry towards me, hasn't really spoken to me, and looks at me with daggers in his eyes.....since he got off the plane. Won't talk, just yes and no answers.

Why does this hurt so much??

I don't even know why he's angry. I don't want to play games.

I know he's trying to pick a fight about anything, but I'm not taking the bait, I'm not engaging.

I don't know if I can survive these 3 weeks!

On the other hand, DS seems fine. Talked about the trip, but told me he didn't want to get in the middle of me and WH. Which is right.

Many years ago, when we were at the beach house, DS and I were looking for pretty shells to take home for my mother. DS found this small, very unusual and almost perfect shell. We were so pleased with it and I told him I was always going to keep it in a special place to remember that beautiful day. I had put it in a drawer in the house overseas. When the shit hit the fan, 2 years ago, I asked WH to look for this shell, and it couldn't be found.....(I know why...the OC's often broke things of mine in the house....found this out later) I was very upset and told DS that WH couldn't find this shell.
When DS came home last night, the first thing he wanted to show me was a shell he found that was similar to the one that was lost and several other pretty shells that I alwayts liked that he found. I told him that was worth more than all the presents he could have bought, more than a million dollars!!

I knew then, I didn't lose DS 16!!

I have to focus on the fact that DS 16 is safe and sound at home.

I realized last night, that now I'm really going through the stage of D.....it's not official, nor legal, but D all the same. Actually coming to terms that WH D a long , long time ago and I didn't know it.

I'm grieving.

After Dday, we mourn and grieve the death of our fantasy marriage, and with R/false R we try to save our M and try to accept the M wasn't what we thought it was.

With D, we come to the real death of the marriage...even if we expected it...knew it was inevitable.

We grieve.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greetings everyone and hugs all around.

I've of course been lurking, I get on 2 to 3 times a day and I still can't keep up with everything going on but I want you all to know that I'm thinking, hoping and praying for all of you.

The main reason I wanted to write concerns the Dream Cloud that Laura28 made.

I'm not eloquent with words and I'm already late for an appointment but I have to say this today or I'm going to burst.
Laura, the Dream Cloud has had a very big healing affect on me and I wanted to let you know. Just seeing all of the hopes and dreams of each of us in that cloud makes me very happy and hopeful. The one thing more than anything else my FWW's A caused was isolation for me. I think a lot of you know what I'm talking about. Anyways being part of the tribe and seeing the cloud full of dreams makes me realize I'm not alone and also makes me think how happy I would be for each of you to experience some or all of your dreams. It makes me happy to see those dreams and know who they belong to and why they are there.

Thank you Laura28....Thank you


***I know now that with my last 2 posts my man card is in serious jeopardy. It's been to hot here to grill since the last time Dip told me how to redeem myself and now I've gone all gushy again. That's it...Nothing but Chuck Norris movies for the next week for me.


(((Tribe))) (((newbies and lurkers)))


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Strong

I know how hard it is with work. I come home exhausted most days but I truly believe it is actually good for me. I am so much better this week. I found the holidays really difficult as I spent too much time thinking about the As. Work makes you switch off for a while.

he really feels like he gave 110% in our M and I did not appreciate him and that was why he was open to an A.

This one makes me grind my teeth. So was he giving 110% to your M while he was seeing OW?


Allgood

As for me - telling the kids tonight/tomorrow that stbx is moving out at the end of this month.

Thinking of you. Glad all went Ok re maybe seeing OW.

M33

The pic I also think was forgotten but isn't it awful when these reminders hit us!

So good to hear that Baby Paddy is doing well!

Hope you enjoy your hol.

NJ

Love the definition

Honest

Try to ignore the dipshit while he buries himself.

So happy to hear that DS16 is home safe and sound.

When DS came home last night, the first thing he wanted to show me was a shell he found that was similar to the one that was lost

What a beautiful story. Bought tears to my eyes.

Jollum

the Dream Cloud has had a very big healing affect on me

I love this. If my cloud could just make one person feel happier and/or more secure about the future it would be wonderful. Like you I love the feeling of solidarity with all those on LTA I get when I look at it.

I will hopefully have the final version done today. Just have to add FNF's.

So announcing

Final call for dream additions
please. I will publish this afternoon (Sat) my time (sometime after midnight Fri for my yank friends).

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum.

It is way to hot to grill here unless you are just plain crazy. I have been grilling every day and it has been 95 to 103 temperature for several days/weeks. The "feels like" temp must be about 150. I admit that I am not to bright. Hell Chuck Norris is not stupid enough to grill out in this shit.

Honest.

Don't engage with your WH. He has zero reasons to be mad at you. You are right he D you a long time ago.

I am glad your DS is back and O.K. That was very nice what he did about the shells.
Thinking of you.

Strong.

Can you wear low heals? I have seen the results of my W wearing high heals. The surgery is very painful and takes a long time to recover. I say get the lowest heals possible. That goes for the rest of the women of the tribe! If any of you guys wear high heals well just stop. It is not right.

Allgood.

I am glad to hear that you did not run into OW. I have to say that a small part of me was kind of wanting to hear a story about how you kicked her ass while wear low heals.

miracle.

Teenagers say some stupid things. You know what he said is not the truth.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that a small part of me was kind of wanting to hear a story about how you kicked her ass while wear low heals

I was wearing low heels! Now the dress - not sure there was enough slack to permit an ass kicking, I may have had to go with the ground & pound.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Content  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I have never posted on this forum but quite a while back No Fun suggested that I join ya'll here. Unhappily, an 11 year affair with a prostitute who is 30 years younger than my FWH qualifies me. You can read my profile.

It's been exactly 2 years since my 1st DD and it's been 2 years of HELL!!! One good thing is that FWH and I finally took the advice of all our therapists etc. which was that we have to take care of our alcohol addiction first, which escalated tremendously after I found out about the affairs. So we just came back from a month of rehab - 2 different locations, him in MD and me in FL - and I am hopeful that the 12 steps will not only help me with staying sober (which it has -FWH had a worst alcohol addiction, along with addiction to Ambien, which he has kicked) but, also, with dealing with my pain over FWH's actions. We are trying again after several failed separations and totally spiraling downhill - both of us. The great news is that our daughter is visiting from CA and has been wonderfully supportive of both of us and so helpful - she went through rehab for drugs 10 years ago and is now a strong, beautiful young lady. Best to all and I hope for good results!


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome sad-
hopefully, we can be of some help to you on this journey.
Going to rehab for alcohol is a huge step in the right direction.
My FWH is also an alcoholic but has been sober since right after d-day and still attends AA regularly. I hope that you and your FWH also plan on continuing in AA to support your sobriety.
My husband does say that alcohol played a big role in his LTA with an alcoholic MOW/co-worker.
Just curious...did your FWH pay this escort for her services for all those years?

Allgood-
I agree with Miracle...you know how I feel about my MOW...a part of me definitely would like to have heard of an old fashioned ass kicking...just saying....but, the mature part of me is happy that the day waswithout any incident.


Honest-
Glad to hear that DS is back safe and sound. He also sounds like a kind and sensitive soul....like his older brothers. You did a great job raising those boys.
As for your STBXH..well...nuff said...why would he come here and give you an attitude? please...why does he come back here anyway?
Sorry that you have to deal with this...you certainly deserve much better.Hopefully his visit will be short.

Jollum-
I know what you mean about feeling isolated and alone. I was like that for years after d-day. I just felt like I was on the outside looking in. That no one else could understand what I was dealing with etc. etc. That's why SI is such a help. It's good to know that you are not alone in this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome all the time....i read your profile...you have definitely been through the ringer...

is he also sa?...

glad to hear that you both successfully completely rehab....not an easy task....so bravo and keep it up....


laura...wow....its so cool to hear jollums thoughts about your dream cloud, or i should say our dream cloud from you....

we are a very cool group indeed...being able to come here anytime, 24/7 and know that there are real people who have come to know who i am and in turn really know me and be there for me whenever i need...well the support system in place here is beyond any words i can ever speak....the gratitude i feel for all of you is deeper then any hole, ocean and space.....i feel loved, i feel supported and i feel good coming here....


allgood...ok, i get it now...good luck when you tell the kids...keep us posted...and ass kickin would be nice in dreamland....and even ground poundin too....but much better for YOU to not have any contact....


honest...woman i am very happy...you sound STRONG...so YAY...i know you are hurt but you sound strong and you sound like you know what it is, what isnt and what needs to be done....so yay...

love the story about ds and the shell....i never doubted for a minute that you lost him....i am actually surprised that your ws hasnt lost him with the stunts he pulled on him...

and maybe he will leave early like he did last time...he seems to avoid ugly...so im thinkin if it remains ugly and you dont give in to him...with apologies and whatever...he just may leave early...


no grillin dip..hope you aren't sufferin from withdrawal...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle
1. he has earned it
2. he has changed
3. he acknowledges it
4. and he never repeats it


2 out of 4 here...how can he ever earn it? How long before I know he won't repeat it?
How would anyone ever begin to earn forgiveness for a 12 year affair? He always asks me what can he do...What am I supposed to say?


Laura

Honey IMHO it's too early to go there. No matter how remorseful he is you still have so much to process.

I'm an overachiever...I want to move on...I'm so done with this damn AFFAIR at times. I think "this is NOT going to take me YEARS", I will forgive and get over this shit"!!!!
AND THEN...you guys are always right...the next day comes and I'm so low I can't do anything but cry...I knew this would happen...this F***** part 2 of this whole shitty story. I've been so traumatized by never getting over Part 1 that Part 2 seemed like no big deal. I kept thinking "when is it going to hit"? I think it's starting to hit me now.

M33
So I rented Hot Tub Time Machine and you're right...funny and you get to see it from our side!! It still triggered...why didn't my WH cry when he was F****** the OW like the guy in the movie???

Doesn't really matter...ALL movies trigger me...I took my 5 year old to see CARS 2 and triggered...really???? CARS 2?????

Good thoughts to all this week-end.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115:

how can he ever earn it? How long before I know he won't repeat it?
How would anyone ever begin to earn forgiveness for a 12 year affair? He always asks me what can he do...What am I supposed to say?

how can he earn it?...simple really...one day at a time...every day he does right, everyday he cherishes you, everyday he is honest with you, everyday he is being everything you ever thought he was and should have been all along...one day at a time...building a new history...

and dont kid yourself on this one, this will take time, lots of time....as much you want it over and you want to move on, because lets face it, this is no picnic for you either, you want to move on just as much as he does....but you need to accept that emotionally we are not wired to move on that fast, emotionally we need time and lots of it....

so he does it one day at time, sometimes it could be by the hour for us....

what do you say to him....just that you need time to process all that he has done...he has had time to process and live with what he's done...he's been living with his secret for 12 years....thats a long time to live with all of this...you have only just begun this journey...so either man up and do right and stick it out or walk....either way, you will need time to process it....and again it will take lots and lots of it....


and instead of concentrating on forgiveness...concentrate on acceptance...which is the first step and may be the only thing you will ever be able to do...and that one is for you....acceptance of all that happened, all he ended up being......without acceptance there can be no forgiveness....and once you truly accept, then hopefully fogiveness will follow....

12 years is a long time....he's got lots of makin up to do....


your first part of acceptance is to accept that it will take years to get over this....at least a minimum of 2 years....thats if he is doing everything and then some right....and you in ic, you processing and new history being added showing you his thoughts and feelings now.....so accept that it will take a lot of time....there is no reason to live with that expectation on yourself...

instead say to yourself it will take as long as it takes.....however long that is....when you let go, the process will speed up....i know this one too because i too wanted it to be done...i am a bit of a control freak...not a huge one, but one just the same...i wanted to take control and get this done....NOPE...not a chance...it will take as long as it takes..

and when you stay in the marriage no matter the reasons, if you are not separated...it will always take longer...

gots to go..

keep cool

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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