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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, back for a few minutes.

0115, there is a great book by (uh... can't remember her name... m3, help!)... the woman who wrote "After the Affair" I think, which I hated... but her book "How Can I Forgive You?" is awesome. Specifically talks about steps to forgiving, to refusing to forgive, and to accepting (as opposed to forgiving). I found this really really helpful. And thanks to m3 for suggesting it. I don't subscribe to the "you have to forgive and it falls on your shoulders to forgive regardless of what the forgivee does or does not do" school of thought, and this book helped me wrap my brain around what I can do. Forgive vs. accept. Perhaps a minor word choice for some but it was a huge hurdle for me. Hope that helps.
ETA: Author is Janis Spring.

SATT,
Wow. You are obviously working hard to repair all that is not right, so good on you. I hope you feel proud of what you are accomplishing.

tryn,
I am contemplating creating a bumper sticker that would confound everyone.
WWTD: What would Tryn do?
Maybe with the website for Retro underneath.

dip,
Only sissies grill based on the weather report. Real men don't care about 115-degree heat when standing over a 400-degree flame. (Though they do drink plenty of beer to keep their core temps down.)

fun,
Good on you for making the baby steps. It's so frustrating, isn't it, to listen the utter stupidity? How can you convince someone that the sky is blue and not green with pink polka-dots when that's what they WILL believe regardless of the proof everywhere. It makes no sense to a reality-based human.

njgal,
I agree with your advice for strong. And, strong, I would add that it might be good for you to really focus on your feelings about the house... work through them. (Though I would love to move... to a different part of the country... and would do so at the drop of a hat without looking back, so I'm feeling a bit hypocritical as I type.)

Laura,
I just love the feeling I get from your posts. You give off a very loving, nurturing vibe. It makes me smile.

I think I got everyone... cheers!

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 11:25 AM, July 25th (Monday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many suns are there on his planet? I mean, besides him?

LOL Nell!! I missed your sense of humor!!! I think I'm going to put this in the quote thread!

Forgiveness is a gift. Sometimes we just don't have it to give, it takes time, so don't push it. I think a quiet acceptance comes first and that is hard enough to do.

Yes, everyone, speechless is the word. That is why when some people say "what did you say to WH?" I couldn't say anything at times because I would be dumbfounded by the idiocity of WH's thinking.

The marriage is dead. Long dead and everyone could see the decay and smell the rot except me..... or I had such a sinus infection I couldn't/wouldn't smell it.
There was no magic pill that cured that, but lots of love and support from people here and IRL.

The magic spell has been broken. Like I have been seeing a KISA when underneath it all was a NPD beast. Even WH's cousin's wife told me yesterday that her H never liked WH. Always thought he was an a..hole, even before all this mess.

I just couldn't see it completely,......kept putting on the rose colored glasses.

I was addicted to the idea of what my M was, when it was never truly real.

I did tell WH that I wanted real emotional intimacy with him, but I realize we never had it. He said he feels that with me, I said that's impossible when you are in relationships with others. I told him I felt sorry for him because he'll never have it.

At least I did have it for a few years with first xWH before the alcohol abuse got in the way. I do have to thank xWH for that. Coming to terms with all of the stuff from my first marriage, helped me to be able to forgive xWH in my heart, although I never told him..... Don't know if I ever should since he is happily married now. Oh well.

Hugs to everyone. Thanks for listening to me think aloud. I am really coming to a corner to turn.

There is good news, I think. Today as I was walking I was thinking, "I have a lot of work to do", which is future oriented!

{{{{Tribe}}}

You are all in my thoughts and prayers, each and every one of you and thank you all for every bit of support you have given me.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Here it is. This is a low res image - necessary so I don't completely stuff up the page. I will try to find a way of posting a link to a higher res pic which you will need for printing etc. (This one will come out grainy).

Still trying to work out how to give you a higher res pic for printing.

BBL

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:34 PM, July 25th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - that collage is so awesome....it brings us all together. It has a wonderful feeling to it. You are really talented.

Nell - I too have contempt for my H. I still feel so confused and lost. It sucks.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - from me Thank you. Your artwork has brought the tribe together - what we represent, who we are, what we aspire to - we as a group have a soul. Thank you

Honest - WOW what else can I say about your last post.

Nell - WWTD: What would Tryn do? with a chart

Got to get back to work.

((Tribe))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - had a horrible vision - you grilling in a green mankini


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Just popping in to say hi.. I've still been lurking. Things here are ok... WH is showing remorse... he's accepting responsibility completely, and he's trying with me. Still very fragile though, still very early days.

I like your dream cloud :) It's encouraging to dream... hope you're all have some light in your weeks.

Vulnerable


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep.

Now that is how rumors get started! Damn. I don't even know what a mankini is but I am positive I would not be caught dead in one. Never happen.

Nell.

Our weather report is a rerun everyday. Very hot changing to very, very hot. You are right though. Grilling in this heat is not for sissies. I had my grill up to 600 saturday. It was not too bad as I had a fan blowing on me. Ice cold beer helps.

nofun.

The house in the woods is a great idea. I have much experience with that. I need to work harder at running off the closer neighbors though.

Laura.

The art work is really good.
You get a grade of A++++ or if you like numbers 200%.

Honest.

I really did like what your son did when he showed up to remind your WH he was around. If it was me I would want to be there very often.
I am out of time but I have to agree with Deep about your last post WOW.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - had a horrible vision - you grilling in a green mankini


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow Thanks for the information on the book. I'm ordering it today. I have always been a self-help book junkie

I'm also a checklist person.

Discovery Phase...Check
Intellectual Acceptance...Check
Emotional Acceptance/Healing...In progress
Forgiveness...Future Date TBD
Reconciliation...Not on the Map Yet

Laura/Miracle/Tryn Thanks for putting some perspective on my "forgiveness" issues. Time & acceptance & healing come first...thank-you.

After a horrific month I feel I'm back on track again. Thanks to the tribe for your words of wisdom!

My new thought process is this...
I'm trying to read your profiles and learn your stories and I notice that for some, your WS "got it" and it looked like things were going good only to take a different direction later on. Is this common/true? I just want see what your roads looked like...where the pitfalls came or didn't.

Thanks as always


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/


This might be old news for all of you but it helped me. Go to the above link and take the quiz for your apology language. Hands down I understand WHAT I need from my H for a true apology.
Hope it helps someone.


The Karma Bus hit Tiger Woods

Fox News announced since his affairs he has fallen out of the top 20, has knee and Achilles injuries that have sidelined him, has fired his longtime caddy who is now thinking of writing a book, he and Golf Digest have "parted ways" and many other sponsors have now dropped him. Hope there are no Tiger fans out there


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115-
I didn't hit any pitfalls in our reconciliation other than the emotional roller coaster that I was on.
My husband was pretty consistent in terms of being remorseful etc.
I was the one that would be OK one minute and then would be a basket case due to the triggers that would overwhelm me. One minute I was happy to be reconciling and then I would be questioning my sanity about reconciling after discovering a LTA.

I think that all the FWS can do is be consistent, kind, patient, loving, remorseful every day and slowly...it begins to sink in...the BS starts to trust a bit more, begins to believe what the FWS is saying in terms of being remorseful,wanting to save the marriage etc.
But..it takes a long time....


as for Tiger Woods- he also has lost a lot of endorsements and advertising jobs. I think it will be very hard for him to rebuild his image. Other sports figures that fell from grace due to infidelity etc. were not held up to the standards that Tiger was. He always presented himself as this very big family man, very good son, husband, father, a real wholesome role model etc.
So... when the public found out about his toxic lifestyle it was bound to have an effect on his career...that...and golf is a psychological game...and he seems to have lost confidence in himself now too...so..yeah..karma bus..


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

another very sad day for us miracles...

the son of a neighbor has died...he was 22, and he was a great kid...when we first moved in he was one of the first people to greet us, this 12 year old kid...he also used to mow our lawn for extra money...

he was not where he was supposed to be, in a totally different town...walking...was hit by a car and died at the hospital, the woman who hit him was in her 50's on her way home from a movie...she felt a thump, looked back and found him....no one seems to know why he was there and why he was walking...22 years old....

his dad is one of the nicest people ever, a firefighter who lost many friends in 9/11...he posted the following email:

To My Friends,

A message from __________:

Last night the good Lord took my little buddy and best friend from my family. To my beloved son Ed,
you were the best kid a father could ask for! You were my crutch through 9/11, I never would have made it without you kid.
I will sorely miss those strong hugs of your, our lunch time phone calls and texts, going to Ranger games, your great smiles and all the laughter we shared.

so so sad...

my block is packed with cars or was earlier tonite and all day...pfm and i went over to bring supplies to the people giving their support....when we got there, they had 4 giant coolers set up in the backyard, 4or 5 canopies...completely packed underneath with people...2-3 umbrellas on the other end of the yard and again completely packed with people...in the morning when i left for the gym, there were at least 20 kids all hangin out on the property....and the house itself was also packed....not a seat anywhere....everyone there obviously in shock and devastated....


i will take my problems any day over something like this...any day...

i will miss this kid...

parents should NEVER bury their kids...NEVER


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle

Such unimaginable pain...prayers going up for you and the family of the boy.

i will take my problems any day over something like this...any day...

Agreed.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry Dip. Couldn't resist.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Now to real life!!

Miracle

That is so awful. Just so awful. Like infidelity no one really understands until it happens to you. The pain his parents must be going through. Just too awful.

Fun

it brings us all together.

Just remember we are all in this together. We are always here for you. Please post when you need to.

Deep

we as a group have a soul.

We do. We really do. Everyone in our little corner of SI contributes so much to that soul.

Hi V

I hope you have a dream. We all need a dream to keep us sane in the present. Keep lurking but check in from time to time so we know you are OK.

Dip

Thank you. All I want is to bring you all some pleasure. Maybe a little smile from time to time.

0115

Hang in there honey. You are still so raw. It's an awful time but believe me it will get better.

LOOOOOVE the karma bus

NJ

Thanks for being here for us again. Every time I read your posts I feel better. So calm. So logical. So reassuring.

Love to all the tribe.

I'm missing Tryn - when is he due back??

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hah NELL!
WWTD: What would Tryn do?

OK... so I will tell ya.

Something I know you all get or will get when you R.

My W is now "reformed" but just cannot figure out a "given" in life. The "given" is People are not always loving or loyal.

Two different discussions about Amy Winehouse and Bill Clinton. She questions how horrible it is that Amy could not "control herself" to not use drugs. And during the Obama speech a comment about she didn't like Clinton because of his Character (You know, his BJ).

Humm I'm thinking. Hippocratic, Hippocratic, Hippocratic.

WWTD: What would Tryn do? I don't answer, "Hey, look into a mirror and think about it". Nope, Tryn says, "People just do those things." "It feels good to them"

It just seems after you do something bad, evil in your life, you must try and correct it in your mind telling yourself that others are doing evil and now you see it and say it to reinforce your good belief. You see yourself different or something. Weird.

Iwant.. to lose a life at 22 is sad and his father feels the "pain" of end. It would hurt so bad for me if I lost my son. I could compare much of the same kinda pain should you end a M. Whys? what happened?.. the over and over thoughts, the legal crap to deal with, dealing with people trying to comfort you, all a little different but the same in many ways.

Laura... It is so interesting to look at your art. The meaning of the words are inspiring I do say.

Peace out.

PS.. Dip, thanks for sharing your pic!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:33 AM, July 26th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One minute I was happy to be reconciling and then I would be questioning my sanity about reconciling after discovering a LTA.
This is absolutely where I am right now. The pendulum swings so often and so high that I feel like I'm going crazy. One minute I think that I'm nuts for even thinking of staying with this liar, but then I think of what's really out there? I have a comfortable lifestyle, and FWH really is trying.....so why can't I feel the love?

Miracle - My heart goes out to not just your neighbors but all those, including the Miracle family, who will miss this young man. I am so, so sorry for your loss. He sounds like just a phenomenal young man and I can only imagine how he will be missed. Extra hugs to you and your neighbors.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish.. Ole love is out there for you. It will be different love then you will have should you stay with you H and R. And that is what you need to decide if you R. You are, and will, accept that this was a bad point in you M. If you don’t start doing all those desirables I mention, then you will be cheating yourself. You will be lying to yourself. R is just doing things to be M again.. It does take time and it is a process. You will need to pick yourself up over and over again.. back in the saddle so to speak. But you can achieve this peace again. all IMO..

If you D, I bet you will have a good man want you.

Did you watch Bachelorette last night? Those lust feelings running around in the bikinis dry humping talking about “hard” this and that. All good lust scenes. And those young folks all call that falling in “love. But they just cannot say, “ I love you” the ole games people play. It was clear to me they are loving each other.

You can will have that when you D and find this new man. It will so exciting to feel all that again. And based on what I know, you won’t think about your cheating H too much any more either. You have new things on your mind.


[This message edited by trynhard at 6:48 AM, July 26th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - my heart breaks for this family. The father's note was so filled with love and heartache and his pain is so raw. This is the one loss every parent fears the most. Life can be so cruel.
we as a group have a soul

Laura - I just love your art. It's funny but when I look at it, to me it looks like an eye - and I was thinking that the "eyes are the windows into the soul" and then DP wrote the above quote. So now when I look at this I think we are looking into the soul of our tribe and it is a beautiful thing! Thank you for all the time and love you poured into this representation of who we are.
Also, the pic of Dip was priceless!!!!
I notice that for some, your WS "got it" and it looked like things were going good only to take a different direction later on. Is this common/true?

I don't know how common this is but for me this has been my road. Part of the problem as I see from my experience has been that although my H truly was remorseful and was there each and every time I went through a crying spell, anger phase and every other pain driven response, he never did the work to change his basic personality. Those things that he did that before d-day were annoying and problematic were no longer acceptable to me after d-day. For example, a snide or sarcastic remark that I might have let slide is now a reason to question whether my H is worthy of R. Selfish behavior - like taking endless hours for himself, is no longer an option. When he forgot our anniversary I actually came very close to walking away from my M. These things made me question whether or not I made the right decision. My b'day is coming up soon and I am waiting to see what he does. If he treats it like another day it will be another "nail in the coffin" of our attempt at R.
I think for those whose R is truly successful it is not enough for the FWS to just work on the M. Those who are capable of LTA's have serious personality defects and they must work very hard on correcting their issues. It is not just about the M it is also about changing very deep-seated flaws in their character. Without doing this work R becomes a much greater challenge.
Do you see your H making these changes??? NJGal's H has worked so hard and we can all see the results. Her R has been very steady even with some painful setbacks. Not everyone's S is capable of doing this work.
Honest - Just letting you know that I am thinking of you and hoping these next few weeks go by quickly for you. It is so good to see you strong and I am sensing that you have entered the "anger" phase of your recovery. This is such a good thing. Your anger will help you to withdraw and keep an emotional distance from your unbelievably narcissitic H. What an A-hole. Thank heavens you are blessed with those incredible sons of yours.
((((((Honest))))
Allgood - Thinking of you too. It is so impossible to me that your H is so dense. It seems so obvious that this is not what he wants and yet he is letting you walk away without a fight. WTF???? I was wondering if you think that part of his response is somehow connected to the job he has. I don't know how bad his days might get but I would think he sees a lot and maybe this is part of why he is so blocked. Just a thought. Do they require police officers to go to C'ing on occasion? PTSD is common among officers and I would think it interferes with their personal lives. Or do you think his problems are more related to his FOO???
You sound strong but please make sure to keep posting especially on those days when you don't feel as strong and need our support.
(((Allgood)))
NoFun - sending out hugs to you too. I don't know how you kept quiet after your H's utterly ridiculous statement. Seriously, very bizarre. Same thing with Tryn's W's comments about Bill Clinton. It's like they are suffering from a bad case of amnesia. WTH????

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:59 AM, July 26th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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