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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura

Good Morning - Have a good day Boss.


DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
Thank you for the kind words!

ats,
GOOD LUCK! Here's some mojo hugs: ((((MOJO))))

Laura,
Good morning, sunshine!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - Good luck with the job sich! I just know that you will be exactly what they are looking for!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, tribe!

Trying to keep up as I think I am going to settle in LTA, and let the other forums go for a spell until I can keep up better. Don't want to totally give up other forums forever, though, as I feel I need to do payback. For now I think I need to be here now in this phase of my healing journey.


tryn ~

it is a story of a beautiful woman making the choice to love a child.
Thanks so much for this, it really means alot to me. I shed a tear at this! Thanks for sharing your story about your Aunt and Uncle, too. My heart goes out to them, that has got to be unbelievably painful for them.

0115 ~ I agree. I, too, would *chose* the pain of the infidelity as opposed to the pain of the death of a child.

deeppurple ~ congrats on the new job!

ats ~ when I was reading the letter your FWW gave you for some reason I kept envisioning Eyeore from the Winnie the Pooh stories. I realized that was because what I got out of the letter was a lack of hope. It was so very sad. It seemed to me to be honest and genuine, but lacking hope. I am glad that your expectation for your marriage is more than "tolerable". Maybe (hopefully), as forgivenotforget says, she just chose the wrong word.

njgal ~ your post about your FWH

He has literally swept me off my feet.......in terms of trying to win me back.
was bittersweet to me. I am so happy for you, but I want this from my FWH, and sadly this isn't happening. He doesn't think he needs to woo me or win me back. He thinks we were both equally responsible for the breakdown in the marriage (we were) so we are both equally responsible in repairing the marriage.

Nell ~ in part 25 of LTA thread you reached out to me and told me to "embrace" my inner dork as you do. I don't think you are a dork, but I get what you mean. This was in reference to me feeling like I am always on the outside looking in. I just wanted to thank you for sharing that with me, for some reason it stuck with me.

That feeling of being on the outside looking in I think is more of what ats said that it is a way of protecting myself but it is at my expense.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8926 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SisterMilkshake, interesting you should pick this character:
I kept envisioning Eyeore from the Winnie the Pooh stories.

I always thought FWW's sister was like Eyeore in attitude and behavior. FWW was the effervescent one. Since dday, and especially the last year, she has lost much of that spark and is often depressed. She has mentioned that during her A's she really felt she had life figured out. She was in control, her OM adored her, I was the source of most (all?) of her problems, and she was planning to leave me. Losing all of that and then facing reality in IC has to be difficult.

btw, I find my inner-dork to be one of my strengths. FWW hates my puns and wordplay, even when she is laughing outloud while trying to tell the boys to quit laughing and encouraging me. All of her family make fun of my "happy dancing" I do when things are going well.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:17 PM, July 29th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake-
I'm sorry that my comments made you feel bad.
That was not my intention.
I do try to post about my R in the hope that it will give the LTAers hope that reconciliation is possible even after a long term affair.
And yes....my husband has been very pro active about trying to win me back...but, he has had his moments too.

When I first came onto LTA I did spend quite a bit of time complaining that I still needed to ask questions about the LTA and my husband refused to discuss it any longer.
That did cause a lot of stress and trouble in the NJ household.

So..you do have to keep that in mind.
I was on an emotional roller coaster for years.

Yes years.

I thought about divorce for years.It's only been in the last 6-12 months or so that I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that my comments made you feel bad.
It wasn't my intention to make you feel like you have to apologize.

Just about anything or everything someone at SI posts can make someone sad or trigger, there just isn't anyway to avoid it.

Your posts always do bring me hope. I know I shared with you how when I first came to SI the very first epiphany I had here was due to something you posted. You were also were one of the first SI'ers that I felt a real kinship with as I am from Long Island, I'm in my 50's and you were the first SI'er I noticed whose FWH had a LTA.

Can I ask you something about your FWH, njgal? Was he always one with the grand gestures or sweeping you off your feet? Mine never was, so maybe it just isn't in his nature. Am I expecting too much?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8926 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Honest - I've been thinking about you & hope you are ok.
Please don't fail to post because you are afraid of 2x4s. We just want to make sure you are ok.

Me: I'm pretty busy this weekend. Stbx has already started moving some stuff out, will finish the rest this weekend. Then it begins...
I'm feeling a little anxious about the new visitation schedule.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nj

I thought about divorce for years.It's only been in the last 6-12 months or so that I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know you often talk about still having your ups and downs but for some reason I didn't know you still thought about divorce until recently.

At 14months out I still have the rollercoaster experiences and I still think about divorce but it's so good to know that these thoughts will also pass eventually if FWH continues to be the H I need.

Once again your words have helped me!

Thank you

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake-

My husband was always a bit of a romantic.
He did buy me flowers, jewelry, etc.
On our anniversaries he always bought me long stemmed roses...one for every year we were married.
And...for my 40th Birthday he whisked me away for a 2 day trip to a very romantic B&B... he kept it all a secret... had set up sitters for the kids...and then hid my gifts around our beautiful room- diamond earrings in one place, a ring in another, necklace in a third place...

so he had it in him in the past....this romantic side...

But..we also had always had to deal with his alcoholism. He was a 'functional' alcoholic...not one that was staggering around drunk but it was an issue in our marriage for years.

SO..yeah..I got this very romanticgrand gesture for my 40th bday...Dec.1994...and then..7 yrs later in Dec. 2001 he began his LTA.

What happened over those 7 yrs?

well... life, I guess.

The kids grew older and required more of my time after school-to chauffer them from one activity to another.
His father passed away ... his mother had passed away years earlier.

Our kids had some very serious health issues that we had to deal with...

and my husband started detaching and I did as well...
the grand gestures were not as grand...
there were still flowers and gifts to mark anniversaries..

but slowly but surely my husband became more and more depressed, started drinking on a regular basis...until I started referring to him as the troll on the couch ..who never wanted to do anything or go anywhere...

He was at his absolute worst during the LTA yrs.
So bad..that I asked for a divorce 2 yrs before d-day!
I did not know about about the LTA but I felt the distance, the detachment, the anger...

After the divorce discussion..we decided to try again...well, actually I decided to try again and I went into a frenzy of activity to try to change things to help him be less 'grouchy' , less angry etc.
I packed up our house of over 20 yrs and put it on the market, it sold and we moved to a new home for a new, fresh start...the only problem with this plan was that he was still drinking and ....he did not end the affair.
So..we muddled along...there was some improvement in terms of his attitude and of course that made me feel more optimistic etc.
and then..d-day hit.

I was devastated. So was he.
And..it was a huge wake up call for him. He went NC immediately and got sober immediately and started a full court press to win me back and to save our marriage.

So that's my story...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have the why all sorted out.....here goes.....he didn't "LOVE ME ENOUGH". I don't care what he ever has to say again....in my mind.....he would have never had a LTA...if he "lOVED ME ENOUGH." So there you have it. No matter how much he loves me now...it doesn't matter....I will never forgive him for not loving me enough....so basically...this isn't going to work.

I HATE HIM!!! I can smile so well....while saying..fuck you!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((nofun))

I hear you, even after dday FWW is clear she does not feel love for me. Wants to, but never has. She insulates herself resulting in both protectuion from hurt, and barriers to intimacy. I think this is not uncommon in WS who can maintain a LTA. They isolate and compartmentalize, but do not connect.

Things can change, as in njguy480 who gave up alcohol and rebuilt himself, but the common outcome in LTA seems to be a WS who's not able to connect and feel empathy with the BS.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun-
I hear ya.
For many people infidelity is a deal breaker. I think the number is 40% of women leave after infidelity is discovered...for men it's higher. And when it comes to LTAs the % is even higher.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wont stay on long not because i cant, but because i have been drinking and i guess yes i cant...lol

anyways..i will be real short mainly because i have to...

fun...he didnt love you enough then...so does he love you enough NOW...

for me, pfm def does not....but i always held out hope for mr fun...


sister...as for the forums...you go where you need to go when you need to go...each forum has places within that it services...for alot of us here at the lta...this forum is the main place..but does not mean we dont go elsewhere...it is just that here to us is home..the other places become more like a visitation kind of thing....using whenever the need arises...there are a few peeps i follow personally on other forums...i may not follow the whole forum and just those peeps....depends alot on time and what is goin on in my life....


k...cant remember anything else and am too buzzed to do 2 windows...so nite all...


(((tribe)))


oh...njgal keep posting you are the perfect example of so many postives and the most positive is that you are that lite at the end of a very long tunnel...
'

and allgood...we are here for ya hon...


honest...you need to check in


m3: you too need to check in, where did you go??

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:08 AM, July 30th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28.. Are you becoming in touch with your feelings? Hah! I still think about D’ing my W all the time. I think about it at least every week and a few times. These feelings of divorcing are in fact a fantasy. I am not going to D my W. In comparison, I can honestly admit to having fantasies about women too. I had those since I can remember. I view all these as feelings.


What I have learned from all this is that feelings are neither right or wrong. Feelings have no morality attached to them. Morality enters in ONLY when the feeling is acted upon.

With certainty, fantasy, feelings and thoughts are the prelude to the mistake. God only knows why some of us have it within ourselves not to turn those feelings into immorality. But we must also recognize that these fantasies, feeling and thought also give us strength.

As for my feelings about divorcing my W, I view them as my power, my lion in me, my way of knowing and I have the muscle to pull the trigger, and divorce. As much as I love my W and love to be loved, I have the inner strength to know abusing me, being undesirable to me, living my life married single is unacceptable to me. My fantasy will turn into reality.

For me today, If I am going to be married, I am going to be married. I am a good H right now because I can only control what I do. I see my W being a good woman in my presence. God only knows what happens when I am gone. I know am still in the process of forgiving my wife. My inner heart may still one day punish her. I question my ability to control my mind and not make her feel guilty. I am not sure I am still in grief though? I have accepted what has happened to me but maybe just have not let go just yet? Just don't know.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:58 AM, July 30th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... I wish you strength.

I must agree with your H. He did not love you enough. Every person who commits adultery does not love another enough to not do it. They allow those feelings to overtake their minds and become evil.

You have struggled for so long. When are you going to be ready let go?

You are a lovely woman. You don’t need your H around to make you happy. If he is not treating you like a man should, then take a leap of faith! You can have fun and have a good life without any man or partner. But heck, you also could be denying a good man the chance enjoy you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:14 AM, July 30th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe,

It's tough to keep up with all of the posts..

I haven't been on much - between work and out of town... I also sometimes "force" myself to stay off - because I can spend hours on it (which I like really) but I need to stay focused at work... and I have limited time at home.

But I'm glad to be here and catch up on people I'm learning about... and chiming in on the newbies... and passing on my growing experience.

So many of you have been a Big, Big help to me.. I want to give back.

ATS - I read your WW letter - several times..

When I read it, I could almost imagine my FWH writing it (or some of it) - though he would NEVER write that kind of dealing on how he feels.

I rarely get those deep of thoughts verbally, let alone in writing.

But if I pieced together the snipets I get... there are so many similarities..it's scary.

First thought is - yes, she is trying. And taking the extra time to get you something you like.. was a thoughtful "out of the way" gesture that deserves some credit.

And though I wish my FWH would fall all over me... apologizing and saying he'll do whatever he can to make it up to me for the rest of his life..... he will NEVER say that ... and that is NOT him....

And though it's obvious there is some "blameshifting" in the letter, at that time - her feelings - she was trying to be honest. And that deserves some credit - for at least her "trying to express how she feels"...

I'm sorry you feel so lonely at times... and I get the part about during the As - you sometimes couldn't wait for them to be gone - so there would be some peace.

But now when they're gone, there is a lonelier feeling... probably because the relationship isn't solid - and eventhough it wasn't during the As... we probably thought it was...

We all have to decide in what are dealbreakers are. And Ill admit, sometimes in my head.. those change slightly.

You need to do what's best for you and take care of yourself.... you can support her and encourage her ... but it's up to HER to fix herself.

I told my FWH the other night.... of what I've thought about a lot for the past 22 months since Dday..... that I've asked myself hundreds of times... why do I still stay with you?? Why do I keep working at the M - and us.... I said because I believe that at the "core" of who he is - he's a good, loving, and kind man.... and that helps me get beyond the stupid annoying things he does every day... and it's the only way I can even begin to allow myself to work on R between us..


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoops I didn't finish.

And what I was trying to explain to him was "why" can't you focus on that of ME.... that is who I am.... and he knows that.

But he often focuses on my "negative" little things... and it gets in the way of our R I believe.

I think it's also his way of not getting too close to me... as he has a hard time allowing himself to be close to anyone.

It's like just when I think we are getting along really well and feeling really close.... some LITTLE thing comes up (on his perception) and it breaks down.

I've really noticed the pattern.

So - ATS - thats one of the reasons your WWs letter really hit home.

I see my FWH in that letter - and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

but the common outcome in LTA seems to be a WS who's not able to connect and feel empathy with the BS

Is there hope for these types of people?? spouses??

I guess I've always believed there is.... and I guess I still do.. or I wouldn't be wasting my time with my FWH.

Thanks for listening.


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a lot to catch up on....but today we told the kids.

Horrible, devastating, sad.... and in the end, I took half the blame.



“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened-
Sending you a long distance hug.
How did the kids take it?
How are you feeling?
What was your WH's reaction?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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