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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i too love that last sentence...

ats: i know that feeling, pfm reads here all the time to try and figure out whats in my head...its really disconcerting to say the least.....and i think the scariest part is that he reads here all the time and should know what to do forwards, backwards sideways and upside down...yet he is incapable period....

i will add my 2 cents too to you mrs ats....make a decision and then act that decision....love is a verb, not just a word but a verb...every lady here could tell you what your husband needs from you, and while we all understand and appreciate your progress you still hurt the man and its still up to you to make it better, its up to you to decide that this is what you want and to do everything you can to make that happen....ats loves you so so deeply, he has been more then patient....and most importantly mrs ats, he is still there....if you do not act the time may come where he wont be...and if you read here often enough then you know about the path of least regrets...its time to start making choices that you will not regret dont you think...and btw if you ever want to join the site, if its ok with ats...please do and read read read everything, the healing library and the wayward forums to learn exactly the things you can do.....so do you want to save your marriage is the question? and if you are not then let the man go...remember actions will speak louder then any words you can ever speak...

0115...yes 12 years is a long long time....for me, pfm had 2 lta simultaneously, one of them he loved, she was there for 30 years, she preceeded me, and the other for 12, he didnt love this one in that way but has a deep respect for who she is...status was important to pfm...she was a lawyer and in their time together in their on again off again 'a' she became a judge...so status she had...still does, she has since been appointed to the supreme court....and then of course there were a few skanks too for good measure...but all paled to the one he loved including me....

anyways, you are not alone, not by a long shot...

and it all hurts....

(((0115))) (((awakened)))


and m3 i am happy and sad for your house going on the market....i know your feelings are mixed on this...how could they not be...it was not just a house but a home...


dip: long and hard...


and ats dont you just love the pm feature...it has been my life perserver when i didnt want someone in my head...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and m3 i am happy and sad for your house going on the market....i know your feelings are mixed on this...how could they not be...it was not just a house but a home...

no, it was a very pretty lie. so sad. he probably built it for OW. who knows?

It went from this:

To this:

I feel like I'm channeling tryn with all these photos!

ETA -- for some reason I only have a picture of the back of the new house, so one is the front and the other is the back.

[This message edited by m334455 at 2:21 PM, July 7th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33 - Best of luck with the house.

Ats - thinking of you.

Mrs ATS - Ditto what everyone else has said.

Laura - I have a few dreams so here is the first - An Endless Summer with a 6 ft point break


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep.

When I first read that, I thought you said six point buck. I was a little upset until I reread it. I take many pictures of six point and larger bucks but I do not want to spend a endless summer with any buck. They have way to many ticks.

Miracle.

So you finally understand?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

M33

Yes it is a beautiful house.

FWH and I have not moved often (4 times in 28 yrs) and each time I was sad. But you know each time I also developed a new attachment to our new home. It takes time but I know that you will find a new place to love.

The home and farm we have now was our dream. We battled for years to buy and pay off this place. We spent hours in the gardens and setting it up to breed racehorses. The kids had parties here. But the dream home is now tarnished.

Maybe for you it's time to start dreaming of that new place. And when you get there spend time making it yours. So often in the past I was so concerned about what FWH wanted in a new home. Now I think I would consider his wishes but not make them the same priority.

Yes it will be hard. But not as hard as some changes in life.

For me I would be sad leaving our home of 20 years. But having said that it is full of triggers. Remembering renovations, painting, special events here etc trigger me because each time I wonder what he was doing with his OWs then. Or which one he was with? I know they all visited at one time or another. He says he never had sex with them here (out of respect for me) but he says lots of things.

Personally I think it is easier to replace a house than a (F)WH

Just some thoughts

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 - Love the house!! It is so pretty! I'll keep my fingers crossed that someone buys it quickly.

So, got back from out of town with DD this afternoon. We had a two-night vaca, just the two of us. Did some outlet shopping yesterday, pizza in the hotel room last night. It was fun and time well spent. DD is a romance novel fanatic and her BF recently decided that he didn't want a long-distance relationship, so he broke up with her. She told me that she doesn't want to hang on to him just because she's afraid to be alone and then asked me if I'm afraid to be alone?? Uh....yes, most definitely yes. She then told me that she wants me to be happy....and if I can't be happy with FWH then that's okay. She loves him, will always love him, but she said that if she were in my place she doesn't know if she could stay with him. I felt like a boulder was lifted from my shoulders. I'm not kidding myself that the road ahead is going to be a piece of cake, but I am starting to feel less guilty about making the decision of whether to R or D based on what I want and not just what everyone else wants. This girl has such a good head on her shoulders. She promised me that she wouldn't "settle" if I wouldn't "settle." What an unbelievable gift she gave me.

I've tried to read every post since Tuesday morning, but darn it, you people write a lot!! There are some newbies that are really hurting. Please post and vent as often as you need to and know that you are not alone.

Miracle - I had to get up and get a sandwich halfway through your long post. I can barely put two words together much less make that much sense in one post. I'm impressed. And you had a rockin' party!! I stand in awe of you.

Honest - Not much heard from you....is Mr. Dishonest on his way here??

ats - I agree with the advice given to Mrs. ats. I hope that she soon realizes how lucky she is to have you.

Nell - You hanging in there??

As for my dream....I am living in a small apt. in Paris with my beloved golden retriever. We go out for walks every morning and afternoon on the Champ du Mars and look at the tourists who are taking pictures of the Eiffel Tower. In the morning we stop for an espresso and read the paper. My french is getting better but the neighborhood grocer still smiles at my pronunciation.

[This message edited by strongish at 8:53 PM, July 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Strong

So good to hear from you.

Your DD is a gem. Don't you just LOVE our kids. Your story has put me in such a good mood. I'm sitting here typing and smiling my face off!!!! I LOVED everything she said to you. Clearly she is her mother's daughter!!!

You have made me so happy.

Thanks for your dream. I have copied and pasted it to a doc with everyone else's. When they are all in I'll get started.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - my 2nd dream - Children have grown into mature happy successful adults & WW & I have reconciled & we take the trip to the UK that dreamed of when our romance was first blossoming.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish- Happy to hear that you had such a good time with DD. You did a great job raising your children! She sounds like a warm, loving, intelligent, self confident young woman.
And..of course she only wants what is best for her mom!
My DD said very much the same thing to me after d-day.
She was home with me and saw me fall apart. Both of my kids were there for me after d-day and saw all of the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster. They also saw all of the positive changes in my husband.
Today they have come full circle and are very supportive of the reconciliation.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting in an airport on a 6 hour flight delay. Reading "The Bounce Back Book" how to thrive in the face of adversity, setbacks, and losses and "The Life Organizer" a womans guide to a mindful year, tips, stories and prompts to focus your needs and navigate your dreams. Done with "Not Just Friends" still working on Surviving Infidelity". There is no road map is there? Everyone to encourage but no one to tell you the path or choice.

*The house will sell fast. I have a feeling.
*Your daughter loves you so much. She wants your guidance
*Laura, NJgal, and tryn...thanks for being there...there's wisdom in your words tryn but I'm stumbling on things you say too...Do you trust and feel safe or just enjoy what you have today? I admire you, just trying to figure you out :)
*Cant remember the rest and can't back up because I'm on the iPhone but thanks for your hugs and encouragement.
0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, awakened, and allgood...thank-you


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more (because I still have 2 hours to go).
This is the stage I'm in. Do you recognize it? I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M MARRIED TO????

I'm going to hang around and see who he becomes and I'm fixing me, protecting me and living life with my amazing children who I love so much!!

BUT I feel like I have to rewrite my life with this creepy, slimey, liar that I thought was someone else. I thought he was a great father, faithful husband and a man with morals. Now I know he was a deceitful, pathetic liar who used me and used other women. I don't know if anything that he has said or done in 12 years is true...I WILL SURVIVE THIS. I just don't know what the past or the future looks like...isn't that weird????


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

This is the stage I'm in. Do you recognize it? I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M MARRIED TO????

Yes honey we have all been there. I sometimes still wonder who he was for all those years. I do understand.

Hanging around for a while is not a bad idea. I was initially too frozen to do anything else and I'm not sorry I stayed at the moment.

I don't know if anything that he has said or done in 12 years is true

I also feel this. But the longer I stay the more I am able to accept the feeling.

I wish I could tell you how to manage it. I don't know myself. All I can say is that although the feeling is still there it doesn't hurt as much as time goes by.

I suspect my FWH's efforts to R make it easier for me.

That's all I know.

Sorry I can't be more help. Just wanted you to know that the feeling is normal.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115 - Oh Honey, yes, we've been there. Who am I married to? Is anything we had really real?? Just how much of our life is a lie and how much is the truth?? The questions go around and around in your head 24/7.

I'm going to hang around and see who he becomes and I'm fixing me, protecting me and living life with my amazing children who I love so much!!
But for the time being....this is your job. Start working on YOU. What makes YOU happy? What makes YOU smile? Surround yourself with friends/family that are supportive but not spouting negative messages about your WS. I doubt that there's anything they can say that you haven't already heard and everyone has an opinion about what you should do. The thing is...only your opinion matters. And I'm not ignoring your children but I'm confident that you would never choose a life going forward the would be toxic to them. You are a good mother and they can and will see that. {{{0115}}}

Yes, my DD is a smart young woman who is also hurting right now. Frankly her BF is acting like a jerk. I'm biting my tongue to be a sounding board for her without making any judgements of him or her. I told her tonight to make sure she tells him everything that she is feeling....write it down and then talk to him calmly about what you've written. TAKE THE PATH OF LEAST REGRET!! Sound familiar?? She, and I, are going to be okay.

{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only my sister and two friends know. None of the kids or family.

I love my teenage/20 something daughters too. Sometimes I think I have more wisdom because of this and sometimes I don't know a thing.

Thanks for the support!!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115, I remember wondering who she really was, who I was M to. I would stare at her face trying to "see" her, to see what I had missed. She caught me staring a couple of times, it upset her.

Thank you Tribe, for all of your support.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ats

Hope she's reading. Does she realise that there are lots of us LTA ladies who if you and Mrs ats divorced and we divorced our FWH's would look you up???

Mind you we'd both have to be divorced before we'd consider it.

HUGS ats

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couldn't sleep last night as I wrangled with the compact feelings I have been dealing with these last few months. In the end I can no longer stand the person I am with him, the way he treats me, the effort that he gives and the lack of hope I have for the future. Wish he would get it? Yes. But I can't make him.

Last night he said that he wanted us to look at the authenticity of our sexuality. He basically thinks that I don't like it. I said I resented that I have tried so hard this year to reconnect with that portion of myself, and while I don't always walk around with a 'hard on' I do enjoy it. I think he got off on being a desirable god to the OW and is addicted to the feeling....cause really, what friend of yours is going to say that you have good reason to resent a wife that has sex, enjoys it, but doesn't initiate it every time? After 20 years?

Anyway, I cried and hated that I reached this spot but I can't live like this any longer. This morning I asked him if he was having an affair because his actions are the same. He said, no, I was but now I can't do the things you need. So, here we are. I know. He's moving out and on one hand I feel relief. On the other I mourn the life we have built together.
The only way to reach the other side is to walk through....guess I just hate the walking through part.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((awakened)))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. Unfortunately there is nothing I can say, nothing you can say, to change him.

He needs to change. He needs to want the M more than anything.

So honey, what is your dream?

Instead of feeling down thinking about your fucktard think about what it is that YOU want.

Tell us your dream for the future and I'll include it in my project. I think more importantly that you will find that when things get really tough if you think about your dream it will make it easier for you.

It did for me. When I felt that I couldn't cope any more I'd think about my dream. I'd expand on it filling in the details. I'd flesh it out with people and places - buildings and roads and trees and sky. My dream was my escape hatch when it all got too much..

Take care of yourself

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:59 AM, July 8th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((awakend)))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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